Chapter LIX: Act V: Scene I.2042

[_Enter_] LOVEWIT, [_with several of the_] Neighbours.

_Love._ Has there been such resort, say you?

_1 Nei._ Daily, Sir.

_2 Nei._ And nightly, too.

_3 Nei._ Ay, some as brave as lords.

_4 Nei._ Ladies and gentlewomen.

_5 Nei._ Citizens’ wives.

_1 Nei._ And knights.

_6 Nei._ In coaches.

_2 Nei._ Yes, and oyster-women.

_1 Nei._ Beside other gallants.

_3 Nei._ Sailors’ wives.

_4 Nei._ Tobacco men. 5

_5 Nei._ Another Pimlico.[2043]

_Love._ What should my knave advance,
To draw this company? He hung out no banners
Of a strange calf with five legs to be seen,
Or a huge lobster with six claws?

_6 Nei._ No, sir.

_3 Nei._ We had gone in then, sir.

_Love._ He has no gift 10
Of teaching i’ the nose[2044] that e’er I knew of.
You saw no bills set up that promis’d cure
Of agues or the tooth-ache?

_2 Nei._ No such thing, sir!

_Love._ Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

_5 Nei._ Neither, sir.

_Love._ What device should he bring forth now? 15
I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment:
’Pray God he ha’ not kept such open house,
That he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding!
I left him nothing else. If he have eat ’em, 19
A plague o’ the moth, say I! Sure he has got
Some bawdy pictures to call all this ging;[2045]
The Friar and the Nun; or the new motion[2046]
Of the knight’s courser covering the parson’s mare;
The boy of six year old, with the great thing: 24
Or ’t may be, he has the fleas that run at tilt
Upon a table, or some dog to dance.
When saw you him?

_1 Nei._ Who, sir, Jeremy?

_2 Nei._ Jeremy butler?
We saw him not this month.

_Love._ How!

_4 Nei._ Not these five weeks, sir.

_[6] Nei._ These six weeks, at the least.

_Love._ You amaze me, neighbours!

_5 Nei._ Sure, if your worship know not where he is, 30
He’s slipt away.

_6 Nei._ Pray God he be not made away.
_He knocks._

_Love._ Ha! it’s no time to question, then.

_6 Nei._ About
Some three weeks since I heard a doleful cry,
As I sat up a-mending my wife’s stockings.

_Love._ This ’s strange that none will answer!
Did’st thou hear 35
A cry, sayst thou?

_6 Nei._ Yes, sir, like unto a man
That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.

_2 Nei._ I heard it, too, just this day three weeks, at two o’clock
Next morning.

_Love._ These be miracles, or you make ’em so!
A man an hour strangled, and could not speak,
And both you heard him cry?

_3 Nei._ Yes, downward, sir. 41

_Love._ Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray thee.
What trade art thou on?

_3 Nei._ A smith, an ’t please your worship.

_Love._ A smith! Then lend me thy help to get this door open.

_3 Nei._ That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools—[_Exit._] 45

_1 Nei._ Sir, best to knock again afore you break it.

SCENE II.[2047]

LOVEWIT, Neighbours.

[_LOVE._ _Knocks again._] I will.

[_Enter_ FACE _in his butler’s livery_.]

_Face._ What mean you, sir?

_1, 2, 4 Nei._ O, here’s Jeremy!

_Face._ Good sir, come from the door.

_Love._ Why, what is the matter?

_Face._ Yet farther, you are too near yet.

_Love._ I’ the name of wonder,
What means the fellow!

_Face._ The house, sir, has been visited.

_Love._ What, with the plague? Stand thou then farther.

_Face._ No, sir,
I had it not.

_Love._ Who had it then? I left
None else but thee ’i the house.

_Face._ Yes, sir, my fellow,
The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her
A week before I spied it; but I got her
Convey’d away i’ the night: and so I shut 10
The house for a month——

_Love._ How!

_Face._ Purposing then, sir,
To have burnt rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar,
And ha’ made it sweet, that you should ne’er ha’ known it;
Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

_Love._ Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger; 15
The neighbours tell me all here that the doors
Have still been open——

_Face._ How, sir!

_Love._ Gallants, men and women,
And of all sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here
In threaves,[2048] these ten weeks, as to a second Hogsden,
In days of Pimlico and Eye-bright.[2049]

_Face._ Sir, 20
Their wisdoms will not say so.

_Love._ To-day they speak
Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood
Went in, they tell me; and another was seen
In a velvet gown at the window: divers more
Pass in and out.

_Face._ They did pass through the doors then,
Or walls, I assure their eye-sights, and their spectacles; 26
For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been,
In this my pocket, now above twenty days!
And for before, I kept the fort alone there.
But that ’t is yet not deep i’ the afternoon, 30
I should believe my neighbours had seen double
Through the black pot,[2050] and made these apparitions!
For, on my faith to your worship, for these three weeks
And upwards, the door has not been open’d.

_Love._ Strange!

_1 Nei._ Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

_2 Nei._ And I too, 35
I’d ha’ been sworn.

_Love._ Do you but think it now?
And but one coach?

_4 Nei._ We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy
Is a very honest fellow.

_Face._ Did you see me at all?

_1 Nei._ No; that we are sure on.

_2 Nei._ I ’ll be sworn o’ that.

_Love._ Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on! 40

[_Re-enter third_ Neighbour, _with his tools_.]

_3 Nei._ Is Jeremy come!

_1 Nei._ O yes; you may leave your tools;
We were deceiv’d, he says.

_2 Nei._ He ’s had the keys;
And the door has been shut these three weeks.

_3 Nei._ Like enough.

_Love._ Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

[_Enter_ SURLY _and_ MAMMON.]

_Face._ [_Aside._] Surly come,
And Mammon made acquainted! They ’ll tell all. 45
How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?
Nothing ’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.

SCENE III.[2051]

SURLY, MAMMON, LOVEWIT, FACE, Neighbours.

_Sur._ No, sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdy-house, but a mere chancel!
You knew the lord and his sister.

_Mam._ Nay, good Surly.——

_Sur._ The happy word, BE RICH——

_Mam._ Play not the tyrant.—

_Sur._ Should be to-day pronounc’d to all your friends. 5
And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,
That should ha’ been golden flagons, and great wedges?

_Mam._ Let me but breathe. What, they ha’ shut their doors,
Methinks! _He and_ SURLY _knock_.

_Sur._ Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.

_Mam._ Rogues,
Cozeners, impostors, bawds!

_Face._ What mean you, sir? 10

_Mam._ To enter if we can.

_Face._ Another man’s house!
Here is the owner, sir; turn you to him,
And speak your business.

_Mam._ Are you, sir, the owner?

_Love._ Yes, sir.

_Mam._ And are those knaves within, your cheaters!

_Love._ What knaves, what cheaters?

_Mam._ Subtle and his Lungs. 15

_Face._ The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs
Nor lights ha’ been seen here these three weeks, sir,
Within these doors upon my word.

_Sur._ Your word,
Groom arrogant!

_Face._ Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,
And know the keys ha’ not been out o’ my hands. 20

_Sur._ This ’s a new Face.

_Face._ You do mistake the house, sir;
What sign was ’t at?

_Sur._ You rascal! This is one
Of the confederacy. Come, let ’s get officers,
And force the door.

_Love._ Pray you stay, gentlemen.

_Sur._ No, sir, we ’ll come with warrant.

_Mam._ Ay, and then 25
We shall ha’ your doors open.
[_Exeunt_ MAM. _and_ SUR.]

_Love._ What means this?

_Face._ I cannot tell, sir.

_1 Nei._ These are two o’ the gallants
That we do think we saw.

_Face._ Two o’ the fools!
You talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has craz’d ’em all.—[_Aside._] O me, 30
[_Enter_ KASTRIL.]
The angry boy come too! He ’ll make a noise,
And ne’er away till he have betray’d us all.

_Kas._ (_knocking._) What, rogues, bawds, slaves, you ’ll open the
door anon!
Punk, cockatrice, my suster! By this light 34
I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore
To keep your castle——

_Face._ Who would you speak with, sir?

_Kas._ The bawdy doctor, and the cozening captain,
And puss my suster.

_Love._ This is something, sure.

_Face._ Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

_Kas._ I have heard all their tricks told me twice over, 40
By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

_Love._ Here comes another.

[_Enter_ ANANIAS _and_ TRIBULATION.]

_Face._ Ananias too!
And his pastor!

_Tri._ The doors are shut against us.
_They beat too, at the door._

_Ana._ Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!
Your stench it is broke forth; abomination 45
Is in the house.

_Kas._ Ay, my suster ’s there.

_Ana._ The place,
It is become a cage of unclean birds.

_Kas._ Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.

_Tri._ You shall do well.

_Ana._ We ’ll join to weed them out.

_Kas._ You will not come then, punk devise,[2052] my suster! 50

_Ana._ Call her not sister; she ’s a harlot verily.

_Kas._ I ’ll raise the street.

_Love._ Good gentleman, a word.

_Ana._ Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!
[_Exeunt_ ANA., TRIB., _and_ KAST.]

_Love._ The world ’s turn’d Bet’lem.

_Face._ These are all broke loose,
Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad-folks.

_1 Nei._ All these persons 55
We saw go in and out here.

_2 Nei._ Yes, indeed, sir.

_3 Nei._ These were the parties.

_Face._ Peace, you drunkards! Sir,
I wonder at it. Please you to give me leave
To touch the door; I ’ll try an the lock be chang’d. 60

_Love._ It mazes me!

_Face._ [_goes to the door._] Good faith, sir, I believe
There ’s no such thing: ’t is all _deceptio visus_.[2053]—
[_Aside._] Would I could get him away.

_Dap._ [_within._] Master captain! Master doctor!

_Love._ Who ’s that?

_Face._ [_Aside._] Our clerk within, that I
forgot!—I—I know not, sir. 65

_Dap._ [_within._] For God’s sake, when will her grace be at leisure?

_Face._ Ha!
Illusions, some spirit o’ the air!—[_Aside._] His gag is melted,
And now he sets out the throat.

_Dap._ [_within._] I am almost stifled——

_Face._ [_Aside._] Would you were together.

_Love._ ’T is i’ the house.
Ha! list.

_Face._ Believe it, sir, i’ the air.

_Love._ Peace, you. 70

_Dap._ [_within._] Mine aunt’s grace does not use me well.

_Sub._ [_within._] You fool,
Peace, you ’ll mar all.

_Face._ [_speaks through the keyhole, while_ LOVEWIT _advances to the
door unobserved_.] Or you will else, you rogue.

_Love._ O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!—
Come, sir. No more o’ your tricks, good Jeremy.
The truth, the shortest way.

_Face._ Dismiss this rabble, sir.— 75
[_Aside._] What shall I do? I am catch’d.

_Love._ Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart. [_Exeunt_ Neighbours.]—Come, sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master;
And therefore conceal nothing. What ’s your medicine,
To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl? 80

_Face._ Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit—
But here ’s no place to talk on ’t i’ the street.
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me th’ abuse of your house:
It ’s all I beg. I ’ll help you to a widow, 85
In recompense, that you shall gi’ me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.
’T is but your putting on a Spanish cloak:
I have her within. You need not fear the house;
It was not visited.

_Love._ But by me, who came 90
Sooner than you expected.

_Face._ It is true, sir.
’Pray you forgive me.

_Love._ Well; let ’s see your widow. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE IV.[2054]

[_Enter_] SUBTLE [_leading in_] DAPPER, [_with his eyes bound as before_].

_Sub._ How! ha’ you eaten your gag?

_Dap._ Yes, faith, it crumbled
Away i’ my mouth.

_Sub._ You ha’ spoil’d all then.

_Dap._ No!
I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.

_Sub._ Your aunt ’s a gracious lady; but in troth
You were to blame.

_Dap._ The fume did overcome me, 5
And I did do ’t to stay my stomach. ’Pray you
So satisfy her grace.
[_Enter_ FACE _in his uniform_.]
Here comes the captain.

_Face._ How now! Is his mouth down?

_Sub._ Ay, he has spoken!

_Face._ A pox, I heard him, and you too. He’s undone then.—
[_Aside to_ SUBTLE.] I have been fain to say, the house is haunted 10
With spirits, to keep churl back.

_Sub._ And hast thou done it?

_Face._ Sure, for this night.

_Sub._ Why, then triumph and sing
Of Face so famous, the precious king
Of present wits.

_Face._ Did you not hear the coil 14
About the door?

_Sub._ Yes, and I dwindled[2055] with it.

_Face._ Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatch’d;
I ’ll send her to you. [_Exit_ FACE.]

_Sub._ Well, sir, your aunt her grace
Will give you audience presently, on my suit,
And the captain’s word that you did not eat your gag
In any contempt of her highness.
[_Unbinds his eyes._]

_Dap._ Not I, in troth, sir. 20

[_Enter_] DOL _like the Queen of Fairy_.

_Sub._ Here she is come. Down o’ your knees and wriggle:
She has a stately presence. [DAPPER _kneels and shuffles towards
her_.] Good! Yet nearer,
And bid, God save you!

_Dap._ Madam!

_Sub._ And your aunt.

_Dap._ And my most gracious aunt, God save your grace.

_Dol._ Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you; 25
But that sweet face of yours hath turn’d the tide,
And made it flow with joy, that ebb’d of love.
Arise, and touch our velvet gown.

_Sub._ The skirts,
And kiss ’em. So!

_Dol._ Let me now stroke that head.
_Much, nephew, shalt thou win, much shalt thou spend; 30
Much shalt thou give away, much shalt thou lend._

_Sub._ [_Aside._] Ay, much! indeed.—Why do you not thank her grace?

_Dap._ I cannot speak for joy.

_Sub._ See, the kind wretch!
Your grace’s kinsman right.

_Dol._ Give me the bird.——
Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin; 35
Wear it, and feed it about this day sev’n-night,
On your right wrist——

_Sub._ Open a vein with a pin
And let it suck but once a week; till then,
You must not look on ’t.

_Dol._ No; and, kinsman,
Bear yourself worthy of the blood you came on.

_Sub._ Her grace would ha’ you eat no more Woolsack[2056] pies, 41
Nor Dagger[2056] frumety.[2057]

_Dol._ Nor break his fast
In Heaven[2056] and Hell.[2056]

_Sub._ She ’s with you everywhere!
Nor play with costermongers, at mumchance,[2058] traytrip,[2058]
God-make-you-rich[2058] (when as your aunt has done it); but keep 45
The gallant’st company, and the best games——

_Dap._ Yes, sir.

_Sub._ Gleek[2058] and primero,[2058] and what you get, be true to us.

_Dap._ By this hand, I will.

_Sub._ You may bring ’s a thousand pound
Before to-morrow night, if but three thousand
Be stirring, an you will.

_Dap._ I swear I will then. 50

_Sub._ Your fly will learn you all games.

_Face._ [_within._] Ha’ you done there?

_Sub._ Your grace will command him no more duties?

_Dol._ No;
But come and see me often. I may chance
To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure, 54
And some twelve thousand acres of fairy land,
If he game well and comely with good gamesters.

_Sub._ There ’s a kind aunt: kiss her departing part.—
But you must sell your forty mark a year now.

_Dap._ Ay, sir, I mean.

_Sub._ Or, give ’t away; pox on ’t!

_Dap._ I ’ll gi’ ’t mine aunt. I ’ll go and fetch the writings.
[_Exit._] 60

_Sub._ ’T is well; away.

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

_Face._ Where ’s Subtle?

_Sub._ Here; what news?

_Face._ Drugger is at the door; go take his suit,
And bid him fetch a parson presently.
Say he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend 64
A hundred pound by the service!
[_Exit_ SUBTLE.]
Now, Queen Dol,
Have you pack’d up all?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Face._ And how do you like
The Lady Pliant?

_Dol._ A good dull innocent.

[_Re-enter_ SUBTLE.]

_Sub._ Here’s your Hieronimo’s cloak and hat.

_Face._ Give me ’em.

_Sub._ And the ruff too?

_Face._ Yes; I ’ll come to you presently.
[_Exit._]

_Sub._ Now he is gone about his project, Dol, 70
I told you of, for the widow.

_Dol._ ’T is direct
Against our articles.

_Sub._ Well, we will fit him, wench.
Hast thou gull’d her of her jewels or her bracelets?

_Dol._ No; but I will do ’t.

_Sub._ Soon at night, my Dolly,
When we are shipt, and all our goods aboard, 75
Eastward for Ratcliff, we will turn our course
To Brainford, westward, if thou sayst the word,
And take our leaves of this o’erweening rascal.
This peremptory Face.

_Dol._ Content; I ’m weary of him.

_Sub._ Thou ’st cause, when the slave will run at wiving, Dol, 80
Against the instrument that was drawn between us.

_Dol._ I ’ll pluck his bird as bare as I can.

_Sub._ Yes, tell her
She must by any means address some present
To th’ cunning man, make him amends for wronging
His art with her suspicion; send a ring, 85
Or chain of pearl; she will be tortur’d else
Extremely in her sleep, say, and ha’ strange things
Come to her. Wilt thou?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Sub._ My fine flitter-mouse,[2059]
My bird o’ the night! We ’ll tickle it at the Pigeons,[2060] 89
When we have all, and may unlock the trunks,
And say, this ’s mine, and thine; and thine, and mine. _They kiss._

_Re-enter_ FACE.

_Face._ What now! a billing?

_Sub._ Yes, a little exalted
In the good passage of our stock-affairs.

_Face._ Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle,
And send Nab back again to wash his face. 95

_Sub._ I will; and shave himself? [_Exit._]

_Face._ If you can get him.

_Dol._ You are hot upon it, Face, whate’er it is!

_Face._ A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by.
[_Re-enter_ SUBTLE.]
Is he gone?

_Sub._ The chaplain waits you i’ the hall, sir.

_Face._ I ’ll go bestow him. [_Exit._]

_Dol._ He ’ll now marry her instantly.

_Sub._ He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol, 101
Cozen her of all thou canst. To deceive him
Is no deceit, but justice, that would break
Such an inextricable tie as ours was.

_Dol._ Let me alone to fit him.

[_Re-enter_ FACE.]

_Face._ Come, my venturers,
You ha’ pack’d up all? Where be the trunks?
Bring forth. 106

_Sub._ Here.

_Face._ Let us see ’em. Where ’s the money?

_Sub._ Here,
In this.

_Face._ Mammon’s ten pound; eight score before;
The brethren’s money this. Drugger’s and Dapper’s.
What paper ’s that?

_Dol._ The jewel of the waiting maid’s, 110
That stole it from her lady, to know certain——

_Face._ If she should have precedence of her mistress?

_Dol._ Yes.

_Face._ What box is that?

_Sub._ The fish-wives’ rings, I think,
And th’ ale-wives’ single money.[2061] Is ’t not, Dol?

_Dol._ Yes; and the whistle that the sailor’s wife 115
Brought you to know an her husband were with Ward.[2062]

_Face._ We ’ll wet it to-morrow; and our silver beakers
And tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats
And girdles and hangers?

_Sub._ Here, i’ the trunk,
And the bolts of lawn.

_Face._ Is Drugger’s damask there,
And the tobacco?

_Sub._ Yes.

_Face._ Give me the keys. 121

_Dol._ Why you the keys?

_Sub._ No matter, Dol; because
We shall not open ’em before he comes.

_Face._ ’T is true, you shall not open them, indeed;
Nor have ’em forth, do you see? Not forth, Dol.

_Dol._ No! 125

_Face._ No, my smock-rampant. The right is, my master
Knows all, has pardon’d me, and he will keep ’em.
Doctor, ’t is true—you look—for all your figures:
I sent for him, indeed. Wherefore, good partners,
Both he and she, be satisfied: for here 130
Determines[2063] the indenture tripartite
’Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can do
Is to help you over the wall, o’ the back-side,
Or lend you a sheet to save your velvet gown, Dol.
Here will be officers presently, bethink you 135
Of some course suddenly to scape the dock;
For thither you ’ll come else. (_Some knock._)
Hark you, thunder.

_Sub._ You are a precious fiend!

_Offi._ [_without._] Open the door.

_Face._ Dol, I am sorry for thee i’ faith; but hear’st thou?
It shall go hard but I will place thee somewhere: 140
Thou shalt ha’ my letter to Mistress Amo——

_Dol._ Hang you.

_Face._ Or Madam Caesarean.

_Dol._ Pox upon you, rogue,
Would I had but time to beat thee!

_Face._ Subtle,
Let ’s know where you ’ll set up next; I will send you 144
A customer now and then, for old acquaintance.
What new course have you?

_Sub._ Rogue, I ’ll hang myself;
That I may walk a greater devil than thou,
And haunt thee i’ the flock-bed and the buttery. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE V.[2064]

[_Enter_] LOVEWIT [_in the Spanish dress, with the_ Parson. _Loud knocking at the door._]

_Love._ What do you mean, my masters?

_Mam._ [_without._] Open your door,
Cheaters, bawds, conjurers.

_Offi._ [_without._] Or we ’ll break it open.

_Love._ What warrant have you?

_Offi._ [_without._] Warrant enough, sir, doubt not,
If you ’ll not open it.

_Love._ Is there an officer there?

_Offi._ [_without._] Yes, two or three for failing.[2065]

_Love._ Have but patience, 5
And I will open it straight.

[_Enter_ FACE, _as butler_.]

_Face._ Sir, ha’ you done?
Is it a marriage? Perfect?

_Love._ Yes, my brain.

_Face._ Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir.

_Sur._ [_without._] Down with the door.

_Kas._ [_without._] ’Slight, ding[2066] it open.

_Love. [opening the door.]_ Hold,
Hold, gentlemen, what means this violence? 10

[MAMMON, SURLY, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION _and_ Officers _rush in._]

_Mam._ Where is this collier?

_Sur._ And my Captain Face?

_Mam._ These day-owls.

_Sur._ That are birding[2067] in men’s purses.

_Mam._ Madam Suppository.

_Kas._ Doxy, my suster.

_Ana._ Locusts.
Of the foul pit.

_Tri._ Profane as Bel and the Dragon.

_Ana._ Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt. 15

_Love._ Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers,
And cannot stay this violence?

_1 Offi._ Keep the peace.

_Love._ Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?

_Mam._ The chemical cozener.

_Sur._ And the captain pander.

_Kas._ The nun my suster.

_Mam._ Madam Rabbi.

_Ana._ Scorpions, 20
And caterpillars.

_Love._ Fewer at once, I pray you.

_1 Offi._ One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,
By virtue of my staff.

_Ana._ They are the vessels
Of pride, lust, and the cart.

_Love._ Good zeal, lie still
A little while.

_Tri._ Peace, Deacon Ananias. 25

_Love._ The house is mine here, and the doors are open;
If there be any such persons as you seek for,
Use your authority, search on o’ God’s name,
I am but newly come to town, and finding
This tumult ’bout my door, to tell you true, 30
It somewhat maz’d me; till my man here, fearing
My more displeasure, told me he had done
Somewhat an insolent part, let out my house
(Belike presuming on my known aversion
From any air o’ the town while there was sickness), 35
To a doctor and a captain: who, what they are
Or where they be, he knows not.

_Mam._ Are they gone?

_Love._ You may go in and search, sir. (MAMMON, ANA., _and_ TRIB. _go
in_.) Here, I find
The empty walls worse than I left ’em, smok’d,
A few crack’d pots, and glasses, and a furnace:
The ceiling fill’d with poesies of the candle, 41
And “Madam with a dildo”[2068] writ o’ the walls.
Only one gentlewoman I met here
That is within, that said she was a widow——

_Kas._ Ay, that’s my suster; I ’ll go thump her. Where is she? [_Goes
in._] 45

_Love._ And should ha’ married a Spanish count, but he,
When he came to ’t, neglected her so grossly,
That I, a widower, am gone through with her.

_Sur._ How! have I lost her then?

_Love._ Were you the don, sir?
Good faith, now she does blame you extremely, and says 50
You swore, and told her you had ta’en the pains
To dye your beard, and umber o’er your face,
Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love:
And then did nothing. What an oversight
And want of putting forward, sir, was this! 55
Well fare an old harquebusier[2069] yet,
Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit,
All in a twinkling! MAMMON _comes forth_.

_Mam._ The whole nest are fled!

_Love._ What sort of birds were they?

_Mam._ A kind of choughs,[2070]
Or thievish daws, sir, that have pickt my purse, 60
Of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks,
Beside my first materials; and my goods,
That lie i’ the cellar, which I am glad they ha’ left,
I may have home yet.

_Love._ Think you so, sir?

_Mam._ Ay.

_Love._ By order of law, sir, but not otherwise.

_Mam._ Not mine own stuff!

_Love._ Sir, I can take no knowledge 66
That they are yours, but by public means.
If you can bring certificate that you were gull’d of ’em,
Or any formal writ out of a court,
That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them. 70

_Mam._ I ’ll rather lose ’em.

_Love._ That you shall not, sir,
By me, in troth; upon these terms, they ’re yours.
What, should they ha’ been, sir, turn’d into gold, all?

_Mam._ No.
I cannot tell.—It may be they should.—What then?

_Love._ What a great loss in hope have you sustain’d! 75

_Mam._ Not I; the commonwealth has.

_Face._ Ay, he would ha’ built
The city new; and made a ditch about it
Of silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden;
That every Sunday in Moorsfields the younkers,
And tits[2071] and tom-boys should have fed on, gratis. 80

_Mam._ I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach
The end o’ the world within these two months. Surly,
What! in a dream?

_Sur._ Must I needs cheat myself
With that same foolish vice of honesty!
Come, let us go and hearken out the rogues: 85
That Face I ’ll mark for mine, if e’er I meet him.

_Face._ If I can hear of him, sir, I ’ll bring you word
Unto your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers
To me; I thought ’em honest as myself, sir.
_They come forth._

[_Re-enter_ ANANIAS _and_ TRIBULATION.]

_Tri._ ’T is well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go 90
And get some carts——

_Love._ For what, my zealous friends?

_Ana._ To bear away the portion of the righteous
Out of this den of thieves.

_Love._ What is that portion?

_Ana._ The goods sometimes the orphans’, that the brethren
Bought with their silver pence.

_Love._ What, those i’ the cellar, 95
The knight Sir Mammon claims?

_Ana._ I do defy
The wicked Mammon, so do all the brethren,
Thou profane man! I ask thee with what conscience
Thou canst advance that idol against us,
That have the seal?[2072] Were not the shillings numb’red 100
That made the pounds; were not the pounds told out
Upon the second day of the fourth week,
In the eighth month, upon the table dormant,
The year of the last patience of the saints,
Six hundred and ten?

_Love._ Mine earnest vehement botcher, 105
And deacon also, I cannot dispute with you:
But if you get you not away the sooner,
I shall confute you with a cudgel.

_Ana._ Sir!

_Tri._ Be patient, Ananias.

_Ana._ I am strong,
And will stand up, well girt, against an host 110
That threaten Gad in exile.

_Love._ I shall send you
To Amsterdam, to your cellar.

_Ana._ I will pray there,
Against thy house. May dogs defile thy walls,
And wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof,
This seat of falsehood, and this cave of coz’nage!
[_Exeunt_ ANA. _and_ TRIB.]

_Enter_ DRUGGER.

_Love._ Another too?

_Drug._ Not I, sir, I am no brother. 116

_Love._ (_beats him._) Away, you Harry Nicholas![2073] do you talk?
[_Exit_ DRUG.]

_Face._ No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go, (_To the_ Parson.)
And satisfy him; tell him all is done;
He staid too long a washing of his face. 120
The doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester;
And of the captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or
Some good port-town else, lying for a wind.
[_Exit_ Parson.]
If you can get off the angry child now, sir——

[_Enter_ KASTRIL, _dragging in_] _his sister_.

_Kas._ Come on, you ewe, you have match’d most sweetly,
ha’ you not? 125
Did not I say, I would never ha’ you tupt
But by a dubb’d boy,[2074] to make you a lady-tom?
’Slight, you are a mammet![2075] O, I could touse you now.
Death, mun[2076] you marry with a pox!

_Love._ You lie, boy;
As sound as you; and I ’m aforehand with you.

_Kas._ Anon! 130

_Love._ Come, will you quarrel? I will feize[2077] you, sirrah;
Why do you not buckle to your tools?

_Kas._ God’s light,
This is a fine old boy as e’er I saw!

_Love._ What, do you change your copy now? Proceed;
Here stands my dove: stoop[2078] at her if you dare. 135

_Kas._ ’Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i’ faith,
An I should be hang’d for ’t! Suster, I protest,
I honour thee for this match.

_Love._ O, do you so, sir?

_Kas._ Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy,
I ’ll give her five hundred pound more to her marriage, 140
Than her own state.

_Love._ Fill a pipe full, Jeremy.

_Face._ Yes; but go in and take it, sir.

_Love._ We will.
I will be rul’d by thee in anything, Jeremy.

_Kas._ ’Slight, thou art not hide-bound, thou art a jovy[2079] boy! 144
Come, let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs.

_Love._ Whiff in with your sister, brother boy.
[_Exeunt_ KAS. _and Dame P._]
That master
That had receiv’d such happiness by a servant,
In such a widow, and with so much wealth,
Were very ungrateful, if he would not be
A little indulgent to that servant’s wit, 150
And help his fortune, though were some small strain
Of his own candour.[2080] [_Advancing._] Therefore, gentlemen,
And kind spectators, if I have outstript
An old man’s gravity, or strict canon, think 154
What a young wife and a good brain may do;
Stretch age’s truth sometimes, and crack it too.
Speak for thyself, knave.

_Face._ So I will, sir. [_Advancing to the front of the stage._]
Gentlemen,
My part a little fell in this last scene,
Yet ’t was decorum.[2081] And though I am clean
Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol, 160
Hot Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all
With whom I traded; yet I put myself
On you, that are my country:[2082] and this pelf
Which I have got, if you do quit me, rests,
To feast you often, and invite new guests. 166
[_Exeunt._]

THE SHOEMAKERS’ HOLIDAY

BY THOMAS DEKKER

[DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE KING.
THE EARL OF CORNWALL.
SIR HUGH LACY, Earl of Lincoln.
ROWLAND LACY, }
otherwise HANS, } His Nephews.
ASKEW }
SIR ROGER OATELY, Lord Mayor of London.
Master HAMMON, }
Master WARNER, } Citizens of London.
Master SCOTT, }
SIMON EYRE, the Shoemaker.
ROGER, commonly }
called HODGE, }
FIRK, } EYRE’S Journeymen.
RALPH, }
LOVELL, a Courtier.
DODGER, a Servant to the EARL OF LINCOLN.
A Dutch Skipper.
A Boy.
ROSE, Daughter of SIR ROGER.
SYBIL, her Maid.
MARGERY, Wife of SIMON EYRE.
JANE, Wife of RALPH.

Courtiers, Attendants, Officers, Soldiers, Hunters, Shoemakers,
Apprentices, Servants.

SCENE.—_London_ and _Old Ford_.]

THE PROLOGUE

_As it was pronounced before the Queen’s Majesty_

As wretches in a storm, expecting day,
With trembling hands and eyes cast up to heaven,
Make prayers the anchor of their conquer’d hopes,
So we, dear goddess, wonder of all eyes,
Your meanest vassals, through mistrust and fear 5
To sink into the bottom of disgrace
By our imperfect pastimes, prostrate thus
On bended knees, our sails of hope do strike,
Dreading the bitter storms of your dislike.
Since then, unhappy men, our hap is such 10
That to ourselves ourselves no help can bring,
But needs must perish, if your saint-like ears,
Locking the temple where all mercy sits,
Refuse the tribute of all begging tongues;
Oh, grant, bright mirror of true chastity, 15
From those life-breathing stars, your sun-like eyes,
One gracious smile; for your celestial breath
Must send us life, or sentence us to death.