Chapter LXXXIV: Act I: Scene I.2973

_Enter_ Merchant [VENTUREWELL] _and_ JASPER, _his_ Prentice.

_Vent._ Sirrah, I’ll make you know you are my prentice,
And whom my charitable love redeem’d
Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat
And growth, to be what now thou art, new-cast thee;
Adding the trust of all I have, at home,
In foreign staples,[2974] or upon the sea,
To thy direction; tied the good opinions
Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours;
So fair were thy beginnings. But with these,
As I remember, you had never charge 10
To love your master’s daughter, and even then
When I had found a wealthy husband for her;
I take it, sir, you had not: but, however,
I’ll break the neck of that commission,
And make you know you are but a merchant’s factor. 15

_Jasp._ Sir, I do liberally confess I am yours,
Bound both by love and duty to your service,
In which my labour hath been all my profit:
I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted
To wear your honest gains upon my back; 20
Nor have I given a pension to my blood,[2975]
Or lavishly in play consum’d your stock;
These, and the miseries that do attend them,
I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers 24
To all my temperate actions. For your daughter,
If there be any love to my deservings
Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it;
Nor am I able to refrain her wishes.
She’s private to herself, and best of knowledge[2976]
Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for; 30
Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her
Unto a fellow of so lame a presence,[2977]
One that hath little left of nature in him.

_Vent._ ’T is very well, sir: I can tell your wisdom
How all this shall be cur’d.

_Jasp._ Your care becomes you. 35

_Vent._ And thus it must be, sir: I here discharge you
My house and service; take your liberty;
And when I want a son, I’ll send for you. _Exit._

_Jasp._ These be the fair rewards of them that love!
Oh, you that live in freedom, never prove 40
The travail of a mind led by desire!

_Enter_ LUCE.

_Luce._ Why, how now, friend? Struck with my father’s thunder!

_Jasp._ Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy
Be full of speed and virtue; I am now,
What I expected long, no more your father’s. 45

_Luce._ But mine.

_Jasp._ But yours, and only yours, I am;
That ’s all I have to keep me from the statute.[2978]
You dare be constant still?

_Luce._ Oh, fear me not!
In this I dare be better than a woman:
Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me, 50
Were they both equal to a prince’s power.

_Jasp._ You know my rival!

_Luce._ Yes, and love him dearly,
Even as I love an ague or foul weather.
I prithee, Jasper, fear him not.

_Jasp._ Oh, no!
I do not mean to do him so much kindness. 55
But to our own desires: you know the plot
We both agreed on?

_Luce._ Yes, and will perform
My part exactly.

_Jasp._ I desire no more.
Farewell, and keep my heart; ’tis yours.

_Luce._ I take it; 60
He must do miracles makes me forsake it.
_Exeunt_ [_severally_].

_Cit._ Fie upon ’em, little infidels! what a matter’s here now! Well,
I’ll be hang’d for a halfpenny, if there be not some abomination
knavery in this play. Well; let ’em look to ’t; Ralph must come, and
if there be any tricks (65) a-brewing——

_Wife._ Let ’em brew and bake too, husband, a’ God’s name; Ralph
will find all out, I warrant you, an they were older than they
are.—[_Enter_ Boy.]—I pray, my pretty youth, is (70) Ralph ready?

_Boy._ He will be presently.

_Wife._ Now, I pray you, make my commendations unto him, and withal
carry him this stick of liquorice. Tell him his mistress sent it
to (75) him; and bid him bite a piece; ’t will open his pipes the
better, say. [_Exit_ Boy.]

[SCENE II.][2979]

_Enter_ Merchant [VENTUREWELL] _and_ Master HUMPHREY.

_Vent._ Come, sir, she’s yours; upon my faith, she’s yours;
You have my hand: for other idle lets[2980]
Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind
They are scattered and no more. My wanton prentice,
That like a bladder blew himself with love, 5
I have let out, and sent him to discover
New masters yet unknown.

_Hum._ I thank you, sir,
Indeed, I thank you, sir; and, ere I stir,
It shall be known, however you do deem,
I am of gentle blood and gentle seem. 10

_Vent._ Oh, sir, I know it certain.

_Hum._ Sir, my friend,
Although, as writers say, all things have end,
And that we call a pudding hath his two,
Oh, let it not seem strange, I pray, to you,
If in this bloody simile I put 15
My love, more endless than frail things or gut!

_Wife._ Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing; but tell
me truly.—Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my husband.

_Cit._ What is it, mouse? 20

_Wife._ Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it behaves
itself, I warrant ye, and speaks and looks, and perts up the head!—I
pray you, brother, with your favour, were you never none of Master
Moncaster’s[2981] scholars? 25

_Cit._ Chicken, I prithee heartily, contain[2982] thyself: the
childer are pretty childer; but when Ralph comes, lamb——

_Wife._ Ay, when Ralph comes, cony!—Well, my youth, you may
proceed. 30

_Vent._ Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope,
Assur’d of my consent; get but my daughter’s,
And wed her when you please. You must be bold,
And clap in close unto her: come, I know
You have language good enough to win a wench. 35

_Wife._ A whoreson tyrant! h’as been an old stringer[2983] in ’s
days, I warrant him.

_Hum._ I take your gentle offer, and withal
Yield love again for love reciprocal.

_Vent._ What, Luce! within there!

_Enter_ LUCE.

_Luce._ Call’d you, sir?

_Vent._ I did: 40
Give entertainment to this gentleman;
And see you be not froward.—To her, sir:
My presence will but be an eye-sore to you. _Exit._

_Hum._ Fair Mistress Luce, how do you do? Are you well?
Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell 45
How doth your little sister and your brother;
And whether you love me or any other.

_Luce._ Sir, these are quickly answered.

_Hum._ So they are,
Where women are not cruel. But how far
Is it now distant from the place we are in, 50
Unto that blessed place, your father’s warren?

_Luce._ What makes you think of that, sir?

_Hum._ Even that face;
For, stealing rabbits whilom in that place,
God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether,
Unto my cost and charges brought you thither,
And there began——

_Luce._ Your game, sir.

_Hum._ Let no game, 56
Or any thing that tendeth to the same,
Be evermore rememb’red, thou fair killer,
For whom I sat me down, and brake my tiller.[2984]

_Wife._ There’s a kind gentleman. I warrant (60) you; when will you do
as much for me, George?

_Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, I am sorry for your losses,
But, as the proverb says, I cannot cry.
I would you had not seen me!

_Hum._ So would I, 65
Unless you had more maw[2985] to do me good.

_Luce._ Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood?
Send for a constable, and raise the town.

_Hum._ Oh, no! my valiant love will batter down
Millions of constables, and put to flight 70
Even that great watch of Midsummer-day at night.[2986]

_Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, ’t were good I yielded, then;
Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men
Have no resistance.

_Hum._ Yield, then; I am full
Of pity, though I say it, and can pull 75
Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves.
Look, Lucy, look; the dog’s tooth nor the dove’s
Are not so white as these; and sweet they be,
And whipt[2987] about with silk, as you may see.
If you desire the price, shoot from your eye 80
A beam to this place, and you shall espy
_F S_, which is to say, my sweetest honey,
They cost me three and twopence, or no money.

_Luce._ Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you:
What would you more?

_Hum._ Nothing.

_Luce._ Why, then, farewell. 85

_Hum._ Nor so, nor so; for, lady, I must tell,
Before we part, for what we met together:
God grant me time and patience and fair weather!

_Luce._ Speak, and declare your mind in terms so brief.

_Hum._ I shall: then, first and foremost, for relief 90
I call to you, if that you can afford it;
I care not at what price, for, on my word, it
Shall be repaid again, although it cost me
More then I’ll speak of now; for love hath tost me
In furious blanket like a tennis-ball, 95
And now I rise aloft, and now I fall.

_Luce._ Alas, good gentleman, alas the day!

_Hum._ I thank you heartily; and, as I say,
Thus do I still continue without rest,
I’ th’ morning like a man, at night a beast, 100
Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet,
That much I fear, forsaking of my diet
Will bring me presently to that quandary,
I shall bid all adieu.

_Luce._ Now, by St. Mary,
That were great pity!

_Hum._ So it were, beshrew me; 105
Then, ease me, lusty Luce, and pity show me.

_Luce._ Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth
Without my father’s grant; get his consent,
And then you may with assurance try me.

_Hum._ The worshipful your sire will not deny me; 110
For I have askt him, and he hath repli’d,
“Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride.”

_Luce._ Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content.

_Hum._ And so am I, in truth.

_Luce._ Yet take me with you;[2988]
There is another clause must be annext, 115
And this it is: I swore, and will perform it,
No man shall ever joy me as his wife
But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture,
I am yours (you need not fear; my father loves you);
If not, farewell for ever!

_Hum._ Stay, nymph, stay: 120
I have a double gelding, colour’d bay,
Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind;
Another for myself, though somewhat blind,
Yet true as trusty tree.

_Luce._ I am satisfied;
And so I give my hand. Our course must lie 125
Through Waltham-forest, where I have a friend
Will entertain us. So, farewell, Sir Humphrey,
And think upon your business. _Exit._

_Hum._ Though I die,
I am resolv’d to venture life and limb
For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim. 130
_Exit._

_Wife._ By my faith and troth. George, and as I am virtuous, it is
e’en the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather.—Well, go
thy ways; if thou hast her not, ’t is not thy fault, ’faith. 135

_Cit._ I prithee, mouse, be patient; ’a shall have her, or I’ll make
some of ’em smoke for ’t.

_Wife._ That’s my good lamb, George.—Fie, this stinking tobacco
kills me![2989] would there (140) were none in England!—Now, I pray,
gentlemen, what good does this stinking tobacco do you? Nothing, I
warrant you: make chimneys o’ your faces! Oh, husband, husband, now,
now! there’s Ralph, there’s Ralph. 145

[SCENE III.]

_Enter_ RALPH, _like a_ Grocer _in’s shop with two_ Prentices [TIM _and_ GEORGE], _reading_ “_Palmerin of England_.”

_Cit._ Peace, fool! let Ralph alone.—Hark you, Ralph; do not strain
yourself too much at the first.—Peace!—Begin, Ralph.

_Ralph._ [_reads._] Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their
lances from their dwarfs, (5) and clasping their helmets, gallopt
amain after the giant; and Palmerin, having gotten a sight of him,
came posting amain, saying, “Stay, traitorous thief! for thou mayst
not so carry away her, that is worth the greatest lord in (10) the
world;” and, with these words, gave him a blow on the shoulder, that
he struck him besides[2990] his elephant. And Trineus, coming to the
knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon besides his horse,
with his neck (15) broken in the fall; so that the princess, getting
out of the throng, between joy and grief, said, “All happy knight,
the mirror of all such as follow arms, now may I be well assured of
the love thou bearest me.”[2991] I wonder why the (20) kings do not
raise an army of fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as
the army that the Prince of Portigo brought against Rosicleer, and
destroy these giants; they do much hurt to wand’ring damsels, that go
in (25) quest of their knights.

_Wife._ Faith, husband, and Ralph says true; for they say the King of
Portugal cannot sit at his meat, but the giants and the ettins[2992]
will come and snatch it from him. 30

_Cit._ Hold thy tongue.—On, Ralph!

_Ralph._ And certainly those knights are much to be commended, who,
neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire and a dwarf
through the deserts to relieve poor ladies. 35

_Wife._ Ay, by my faith, are they, Ralph; let ’em say what they will,
they are indeed. Our knights neglect their possessions well enough,
but they do not the rest.

_Ralph._ There are no such courteous and (40) fair well-spoken
knights in this age: they will call one “the son of a whore,” that
Palmerin of England would have called “fair sir;” and one that
Rosicleer would have call’d “right beauteous damsel,” they will call
“damn’d bitch.” 45

_Wife._ I’ll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have call’d me so an
hundred times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco.

_Ralph._ But what brave spirit could be (50) content to sit in
his shop, with a flappet of wood,[2993] and a blue apron before
him, selling mithridatum[2994] and dragon’s-water[2994] to visited
houses,[2995] that might pursue feats of arms, and, through his noble
achievements, procure such a famous (55) history to be written of his
heroic prowess?

_Cit._ Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph!

_Wife._ They go finely, by my troth.

_Ralph._ Why should not I, then, pursue (60) this course, both for
the credit of myself and our company? for amongst all the worthy
books of achievements, I do not call to mind that I yet read of a
grocer-errant. I will be the said knight.—Have you heard of any that
hath wand’red (65) unfurnished of his squire and dwarf? My elder
prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and little George my dwarf.
Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance of my former trade, upon my
shield shall be portray’d a Burning Pestle, (70) and I will be call’d
the Knight of the Burning Pestle.

_Wife._ Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade; thou
wert ever meek.

_Ralph._ Tim! 75

_Tim._ Anon.

_Ralph._ My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge you that
from henceforth you never call me by any other name but “the right
courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning (80) Pestle;” and that
you never call any female by the name of a woman or wench, but “fair
lady,” if she have her desires, if not, “distressed damsel;” that you
call all forests and heaths “deserts,” and all horses “palfreys.” 85

_Wife._ This is very fine, faith.—Do the gentlemen like Ralph, think
you, husband?

_Cit._ Ay, I warrant thee; the players would give all the shoes in
their shop for him.

_Ralph._ My beloved squire Tim, stand out. (90) Admit this were a
desert, and over it a knight-errant pricking,[2996] and I should bid
you inquire of his intents, what would you say?

_Tim._ Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding? 95

_Ralph._ No, thus: “Fair sir, the right courteous and valiant Knight
of the Burning Pestle commanded me to inquire upon what adventure you
are bound, whether to relieve some distressed damsels,
or otherwise.” 100

_Cit._ Whoreson blockhead, cannot remember!

_Wife._ I’ faith, and Ralph told him on ’t before: all the gentlemen
heard him.—Did he not, gentlemen? Did not Ralph tell him on’t?

_George._ Right courteous and valiant (105) Knight of the Burning
Pestle, here is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of
pepper.

_Wife._ That’s a good boy! See, the little boy can hit it; by my
troth, it’s a fine child. 110

_Ralph._ Relieve her, with all courteous language.
Now shut up shop, no more my prentices,
but my trusty squire and dwarf. I must
bespeak my shield and arming[2997] pestle.
[_Exeunt_ TIM _and_ GEORGE.]

_Cit._ Go thy ways, Ralph! As I’m a true[2998] (115) man, thou art
the best on ’em all.

_Wife._ Ralph, Ralph!

_Ralph._ What say you, mistress?

_Wife._ I prithee, come again quickly, sweet Ralph. 120

_Ralph._ By and by. _Exit._

[SCENE IV.][2999]

_Enter_ JASPER _and his mother_, MISTRESS MERRYTHOUGHT.

_Mist Mer._ Give thee my blessing? No, I’ll ne’er give thee my
blessing; I’ll see thee hang’d first; it shall ne’er be said I gave
thee my blessing. Th’ art thy father’s own son, of the right blood
of the Merrythoughts. I may (5) curse the time that e’er I knew thy
father; he hath spent all his own and mine too; and when I tell him
of it, he laughs, and dances, and sings, and cries, “A merry heart
lives long-a.” And thou art a wastethrift, and art run (10) away
from thy master that lov’d thee well, and art come to me; and I
have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, and thou think’st
to bezzle[3000] that, but thou shalt never be able to do it.—Come
hither, Michael! 15
_Enter_ MICHAEL.
Come, Michael, down on thy knees; thou shalt have my blessing.

_Mich._ [_kneels._] I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me.

_Mist. Mer._ God bless thee! but Jasper shall (20) never have my
blessing; he shall be hang’d first; shall he not, Michael? How sayst
thou?

_Mich._ Yes, forsooth, mother, and grace of God.

_Mist. Mer._ That’s a good boy! 25

_Wife._ I’ faith, it’s a fine spoken child.

_Jasp._ Mother, though you forget a parent’s love
I must preserve the duty of a child.
I ran not from my master, nor return
To have your stock maintain my idleness. 30

_Wife._ Ungracious child, I warrant him; hark, how he chops logic
with his mother!— Thou hadst best tell her she lies; do, tell her
she lies.

_Cit._ If he were my son, I would hang him (35) up by the heels, and
flay him, and salt him, whoreson haltersack.[3001]

_Jasp._ My coming only is to beg your love,
Which I must ever, though I never gain it;
And, howsoever you esteem of me, 40
There is no drop of blood hid in these veins
But, I remember well, belongs to you
That brought me forth, and would be glad for you
To rip them all again, and let it out.

_Mist. Mer._ I’ faith, I had sorrow enough (45) for thee, God knows;
but I’ll hamper thee well enough. Get thee in, thou vagabond, get
thee in, and learn of thy brother Michael.
[_Exeunt_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL.]

_Mer._ (_within._)
Nose, nose, jolly red nose.
And who gave thee this jolly red nose? 50

_Mist. Mer._ Hark, my husband! he’s singing and hoiting; and I’m fain
to cark[3002] and care, and all little enough.—Husband! Charles!
Charles Merrythought!

_Enter old_ MERRYTHOUGHT.

_Mer._ [_sings._]
Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves: 55
And they gave me this jolly red nose.

_Mist. Mer._ If you would consider your state,
you would have little list to sing, i-wis.[3003]

_Mer._ It should never be considered, while it were an estate, if I
thought it would spoil (60) my singing.

_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old man, and
thou canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou
eatest good meat, and drinkest good drink, (65) and laughest.

_Mer._ And will do.

_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou come by it, Charles?

_Mer._ How! why, how have I done hitherto (70) this forty years? I
never came into my dining room, but, at eleven and six o’clock,[3004]
I found excellent meat and drink a’ th’ table; my clothes were never
worn out, but next morning a tailor brought me a new suit: and
without (75) question it will be so ever; use makes perfectness. If
all should fail, it is but a little straining myself extraordinary,
and laugh myself to death.

_Wife._ It’s a foolish old man this; is not (80) he, George?

_Cit._ Yes, cony.

_Wife._ Give me a penny i’ th’ purse while I live, George.

_Cit._ Ay, by lady, cony, hold thee there.[3005] 85

_Mist. Mer._ Well, Charles; you promis’d to provide for Jasper, and
I have laid up for Michael. I pray you, pay Jasper his portion: he’s
come home, and he shall not consume Michael’s stock; he says his
master turn’d him away, (90) but, I promise you truly, I think he ran
away.

_Wife._ No, indeed. Mistress Merrythought; though he be a notable
gallows,[3006] yet I’ll assure you his master did turn him away, even
in this place; ’t was, i’ faith, within this half-hour, (95) about
his daughter; my husband was by.

_Cit._ Hang him, rogue! he serv’d him well enough: love his master’s
daughter! By my troth, cony, if there were a thousand boys, (100) thou
wouldst spoil them all with taking their parts; let his mother alone
with him.

_Wife._ Ay, George; but yet truth is truth.

_Mer._ Where is Jasper? He’s welcome, however. Call him in; he shall
have his portion. (105) Is he merry?

_Mist. Mer._ Ah, foul chive[3007] him, he is too merry!—Jasper!
Michael!

_Re-enter_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL.

_Mer._ Welcome, Jasper! though thou run’st away, welcome! God bless
thee! ’T is thy (110) mother’s mind thou shouldst receive thy
portion; thou hast been abroad, and I hope hast learn’d experience
enough to govern it; thou art of sufficient years. Hold thy
hand—one, two, three, four five, six, seven, eight, nine, 115
there ’s ten shillings for thee. [_Gives money._] Thrust thyself into
the world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune cross
thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me; I have twenty
shillings left. Be a good husband;[3008] (120) that is, wear ordinary
clothes, eat the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and
give to the poor, and, believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods.

_Jasp._ Long may you live free from all thought of ill, 125
And long have cause to be thus merry still!
But, father——

_Mer._ No more words, Jasper; get thee gone.
Thou hast my blessing; thy father’s spirit upon thee!
Farewell, Jasper! [_Sings._] 130
But yet, or ere you part (oh, cruel?)
Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting, mine own dear jewel!
So, now begone; no words. _Exit_ JASPER.

_Mist. Mer._ So, Michael, now get thee gone too. 135

_Mich._ Yes, forsooth, mother; but I’ll have my father’s blessing
first.

_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael; ’t is no matter for his blessing; thou
hast my blessing; begone. I’ll fetch my money and jewels, and follow
(140) thee; I’ll stay no longer with him, I warrant thee. [_Exit_
MICHAEL.]—Truly, Charles, I’ll be gone too.

_Mer._ What! you will not?

_Mist. Mer._ Yes, indeed will I. 145

_Mer._ [_sings._]
Heigh-ho, farewell, Nan!
I’ll never trust wench more again, if I can.

_Mist. Mer._ You shall not think, when all your own is gone, to spend
that I have been scraping up for Michael. 150

_Mer._ Farewell, good wife; I expect it not: all I have to do in this
world, is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not taken from
me; and if it be, [_Sings._]
When earth and seas from me are reft, 155
The skies aloft for me are left. _Exeunt_ [_severally_].

_Wife._ I’ll be sworn he’s a merry old gentleman for all that.
(_Music._) Hark, hark, husband, hark! fiddles, fiddles! now surely
they go finely. They say ’t is present death for these 160
fiddlers, to tune their rebecks[3009] before the great Turk’s grace;
it ’s not. George? (Boy _danceth_.) But, look, look! here’s a youth
dances! —Now, good youth, do a turn a’ th’ toe.—Sweetheart, i’
faith, I’ll have Ralph (165) come and do some of his gambols.—He’ll
ride the wild mare[3010] gentlemen, ’t would do your hearts good to
see him.—I thank you, kind youth; pray, bid Ralph come. 169

_Cit._ Peace, cony!—Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players send
Ralph; or, by God’s——[3011] an they do not, I’ll tear some of their
periwigs beside their heads: this is all riff-raff. [_Exit_ BOY.]