Chapter XVII

A Kentucky Tea Party.--Opinion entertained by Mrs. Deacon Pogram of Charles Sumner.--Discussion between Mrs. Deacon P. and an Illinois Store-keeper of the name of Pollock.--Miscegenation.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
April 1, 1866.

Charles Sumner is not a very popular man in this section uv Kentucky; on the contrary, quite the reverse. He is known here ez an Ablishnist; ez one who is a chief supporter uv that hidjus sin--the infidelity, I may say, for a man may ez well deny the whole Bible ez to cast discredit upon Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham, onto wich the whole system uv Afrikin slavery rests--the origenator, therefore, uv the infidle beleef that Slavery is not uv divine origin, wich, judgin from the experience uv the last five years, appears to be gainin ground in the North. He is not, therefore, popular in this region.

Yisterday I attendid a tea party at Deekin Pogram's, to wich the elite uv the Corners wuz present, incloodin an Illinoy store-keeper uv the name uv Pollock, wich hed bin invited because the Deekin hed, some three months ago, bought a bill uv goods uv him on ninety days' time, and wantid an extension.

While at the table enjoyin the

"Cup wich cheers, but don't intoxicate very much,"

ez Dryden hez it, tho I bleeve, to keep off chills, in this country, they mix three and a half parts uv whiskey to one uv tea, the name uv Sumner wuz mentioned.

Mrs. Pogram to-wunst remarked that she didn't want the name uv that ojus creecher spoken at her table.

"Why?" sed I, gratified at the ebulition.

"I hate him!" sed she, spitefully.

"So do I," replied I; "but what hev yoo agin him, aside from his obnoxious political opinions?"

"Didn't he marry a nigger?" sed Mrs. P., triumphantly. "Didn't he marry a nigger--a full-blooded nigger? and hezn't he hed nineteen yaller children, every one uv wich he compelled, agin their will, to marry full-blooded niggers? Didn't he--"

"Mrs. P.," sed this Illinoy store-keeper, wich his name it wuz Pollock, "do yoo object to miscegenation?"

"Missee--what?" replied she, struck all uv a heap at the word.

"Miscegenation--amalgamation--marryin whites with niggers."

"Do I?" retorted she; "ketch a son uv mine marryin a nigger! They are another race; they'r beasts; and who'd marry em but jist sich men ez Sumner and them other Ablishnists?"

"Then permit me to ask," sed this Pollock, wich wuz bound to kick up a muss, "ef ther's any race uv pure blood in this section uv Kentucky, wich is yaller?"

"No! uv course not," sed Mrs. P.; "them yaller people is mulatters--half nigger, half white."

"And them ez is quite white--not quite, but nearly so--about the color uv a new saddle, like Jane, there," sed he, pintin to a octoroon girl uv 18 wich used to belong to the Deekin afore the isshooin uv the infernal proclamashen, "like Jane, there, wich is waitin on the Deekin, and--but, good Lord!" sed he, startin up like a tragedian.

"Wat!" shouted the company, all startin up.

"Nothin," sed he: "only, now that Jane's face is in range with the Deekin's, wat a wonderful resemblance! She hez the Pogram nose and ginral outline uv face; not Mrs. P.'s angularity, but the Deekin all over. My deer sir," sed he, addressin the Deekin, "ef she wuzn't a quadroon, I shood say she looks enough like yoo to be yoor daughter, by a first wife, I shood say, for she hez not, ez I remarked, Mrs. P.'s angularity and gineral boneinis; but uv course, she bein a part nigger, the resemblance may be sat down ez-a-very-remarkable-coincidence!"

The Deekin turned ez white ez a sheet, and Mrs. Pogram turned ez red ez a biled lobster, from wich I inferred that there wuz trooth in a rumor I had heerd about the Deekin and his wife hevin a misunderstandin about a nigger woman and her baby, about 18 years ago, wich resulted in his bein made bald-headed in less than a minute, and the baby's mother being sold South. The Illinoy store-keeper, uv the name uv Pollock, resoomed,--

"I wuz about askin wat them niggers is ez is nearly white?"

"Why, they'r octoroons, or seven-eighths white," sed Mrs. Pogram.

"And no Kentuckian ever marries a nigger?" inquired the store-keeper, who I saw wuz pursooin his investigations altogether too fur.

"Never!" sed Mrs. Pogram; "we leave that to Ablishnists."

"Well, then," sed this Pollock, who, I spect, wuzn't half so innsent ez he let on, "I see that yoo hev no objection to mixin with the nigger, providin yoo don't do it legally; that amalgamashen don't hurt nothin, pervidin yoo temper it with adultery. Is that the idee, Mrs. Pogram?"

Mrs. P. wuz mad, and made no reply, and Pollock persood the subjick.

"Jane there, is, I take it, about one-eighth nigger. She got her white blood from whites, uv course; and ez there coodent be no marryin in the biznis, there is proof positive in her face that the 8th commandment hez bin violated about four times somewhere in this vicinity, or wherever her maternal ancestors, on her mother's side, may hev resided. What do yoo think about it, Deekin? Ez a Christian, woodent it be better to marry em than to add a violation uv the commandment to the sin uv amalgamashen? It wood redoose yoor load jest a half."

The Deekin wuz too indignant to reply, and ez it involved a pint altogether too hefty for his limited intelleck, I took it up.

"My dear sir," I remarked, "yoo don't make the proper distinction, or, rather, yoo don't appreciate the subjick at all. The nigger here sustains only one character with us,--that uv a inferior bein, the slave uv the hawty Caucashen, uv whom we are the noblest specimens; that is, the Deekin is, he bein a Southerner. I unfortunately wuz born in the North, and am a hawty Caucashen only by adoption. To marry a nigger wood be to destroy our idea uv sooperiority, for we marry only our ekals. The intercourse with em, the results uv wich yoo see indications, bein outside uv the pale uv matrimony, is not, ez yoo wood suppose, the result uv unbrideled licentiousnis, but is merely the assertion uv our superiority. When the lordly Caucashen (uv whom the Deekin is wich) bids a daughter uv Ham (wich, in the orginal Hebrew, signifies the hind-quarter uv a hog) come to him, and she doth it not, he breaks her head, wich inculcates obedience. One is only a slave indeed when he surrenders all his individyooel rites. The female slave cannot be considered ez entirely subdooed until she hez yielded to her owner everything. To marry em wood be to elevate em; the intercourse common among us is not a sin, it bein merely the assertion uv that superiority wich we claim is founded on the Holy Scripter. See Onesimus, Hagar, and Ham."

"Yes," sed the Deekin, who wuz now on the right track; "it's a assertion uv our sooperiority; it's a dooty every white man owes to his class, and I, for one, will alluz--"

"Let me ketch yoo at it, Gabe Pogram," shouted Mrs. P., "and I'll give you sich a cat-haulin ez yoo never--drat yoor sooperiority, and yoor Ham, and yoor Caucashen. Niggers is niggers, and--"

Noticin that Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper pitch uv self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjick upon wich they cood all agree.

I learned that his father wuz a Dutch grocery-keeper, and his mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age of 8, after murderin, in cold blood, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Jew and tother a Chinese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin biznis, and hed cut the throat uv his boss and his wife, and immersed the younger children into a biler uv scaldin water, where they were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a sellin lottry tickets and brass clocks, et settry. His servants wuz redoost Southern gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws uv Massychoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimate friends and associates wuz niggers, with wich he sot long at the festive board, and drunk champane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Anna Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas his half-brother, and that he kissed, habitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severially onto white children ez to throw em into spasms, and other items uv information uv wich, livin in the North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I remarked, he isn't popular down here, and, cood hardly be elected to Congris from this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, Pollock winkin at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think how he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watchin.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.