Chapter XXVIII

The Reward of Virtue.--After Months of waiting, the Virtuous Patriot secures his Loaf.--The Jollification.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
August 12, 1866.

At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weary trips to Washington, after much weary waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Post Master at Confedrit × Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apossle, a look at my commission removes it. If I ketch myself a feelin that he deserted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment softens into pity. Ef I doubt his Democrisy, I look at that blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal soldier, and apoint sich a man ez ME, must be above suspicion.

I felt it wuz coming two weeks ago. I received a cirkler from Randall, now my sooperior in offis, propoundin these questions:--

1. Do yoo hev the most implicit faith in Androo Johnson, in all
that he hez done, all that he is doin, and all he may hereafter
do?

2. Do you bleeve that the Philadelphia Convenshun will be a
convocashen uv saints, all actuated by pure motives, and devoted
to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid country?

3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doolittle,
Cowan, and Randall are the four greatest, and purest, and
bestest, and self-sacrificinest, and honestest, and righteousist
men that this country hez ever prodoost?

4. Doo yoo bleeve that there is a partikelerly hot place
reserved in the next world for Trumbull, a hotter for Wade, and
the hottest for Sumner and Thad Stevens?

5. Do yoo approve uv the canin uv Grinnell by Rosso?

6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv Congris eleven sovrin
states a unconstooshnel and unwarrantid assumption uv power by a
secshnal Congris?

7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and that (eleven
states bein unrepresented) all their acts are unconstooshnel and
illegal, ceptin them wich provides for payin salaries?

8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans
unpleasantnesses wuz brot about by the unholy machinashens uv
them Radical agitators, actin in conjunction with ignorant and
besotted niggers, to wreak their spite on the now loyal citizens
uv those properly reconstructed cities.

9. Are yoo not satisfied that the African citizens uv Amerikin
descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal
law wich governs labor and capital?

10. Are yoo willin to contribute a reasonable per cent. uv yoor
salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv objectionable
Congrismen in the disloyal states North?

To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went afore a Justis uv the Peace and took an affidavit to em, forwarded it back, and my commission wuz forthwith sent to me.

There wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groceries uv the town, and sich anuther spontaneous outbust uv joy I never witnessed.

The bells rung, and for an hour or two the Corners wuz in the wildest stait uv eggsitement. The citizens congratoolated each other on the certainty uv the acceshun uv the President to the Dimocrisy, and in their enthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv em, one a male and the tother a female, wuz killed. Then a perceshun wuz organized as follers:--

Two grocery keepers with bottles.

Deekin Pogram.

ME, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In this Sign we Conker."

Wagon with tabloo onto it: A nigger on the bottom boards, Bascom, the grocery keeper, with one foot onto him, holdin a banner inscribed, "The Nigger where he oughter be."

Citizen with bottle.

Deekin Pogram's daughter Mirandy in a attitood uv wallopin a wench. Banner: "We've Regained our Rites."

Two citizens with bottles tryin to keep in perceshun.

Two more citizens, wich hed emptyd their bottles, fallin out by the way side.

Citizens, two and two, with bottles.

Wagon, loaded with the books and furnitur uv a nigger skool, in a stait uv wreck, with a ded nigger layin on top uv it, wich hed bin captoored within the hour. Banner: "My Policy."

The perceshun mooved to the meetin hous, and Deekin Pogram takin the Chair, a meetin wuz to wunst organized.

The Deekin remarked that this wuz the proudest moment uv his life. He wuz gratified at the appintment uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities wich wuz so conspikuous into him, and becoz his arduous services in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posishun. All these wuz aside uv and entirely disconnected from the fact that thare wood now be a probability uv his gittin back a little matter uv nine dollars and sixty-two cents ("Hear! hear!") wich he hed loaned him about eighteen months ago, afore he had knowed him well, or larned to luv him. But thare wuz anuther reason why he met to rejoyce to-nite. It showed that A. Johnson meant bizness; that A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dimokrasy, and that he hed fully made up his mind to hurl the bolts uv offishl thunder wich he held in his Presidenshal hands at his enemies, and to make fight in earnest; that he wuz goin to reward his friends--them ez he cood trust. Our venerable friend's bein put in condishun to pay the confidin residents uv the Corners the little sums he owes them is a good thing ("Hear!" "Hear!" "Troo!" "Troo!" with singular unanimity from every man in the bildin), but wat wuz sich considerashuns when compared to the grate moral effect uv the decisive movement? ("A d----d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't want no moral effect!" cried another.) My friends, when the news uv this bold step uv the President goes forth to the South, the price uv Confedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv niggers will cease; for the redempshun uv the first I consider ashoored, and the redoosin uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done.

Squire Gavitt remarked that he wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For four years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis hed passed thro' the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed no partikler objecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol uv tyranny, and so long ez he sot there, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Lord, that day is over! The Corners is redeemed, the second Jaxson hez risin, and struck off the shackles. He wood not allood to the trifle uv twelve dollars and a half that he loaned the appintee some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money--

Bascom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called the Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to talk sich talk. No man cood feel a more hart-felt satisfaction at the appintment uv our honored friend than him, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he dispised, but he protestid agin the Squire undertakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his licker for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never--

The other three grocery keepers rose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out uv order, and offered the followin resolutions:--

Whereas, the President hez, in a strikly constooshnel manner,
relieved this commoonity uv an offensive Ablishunist, appinted
by that abhorred tyrant Linkin, and appinted in his place a
sound constooshnel Demokrat--one whom to know is to lend;
therefore, be it

_Resolved_, That we greet the President, and, ashoor him uv our
continyood support and confidence.

_Resolved_, That we now consider the work uv Reconstruction, so
far ez this community is concerned, completed, and that we feel
that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations with the
federal government.

_Resolved_, That the glorious defence made by the loyal
Democracy uv Noo Orleans agin the combined conventioners and
niggers, shows that freemen kin not be conkered, and that white
men shel rule America.

_Resolved_, That, on this happy occasion, we forgive the
Government for what we did, and cherish nary resentment agin
anybody.

The resolutions wuz adopted, and the meetin adjourned with three cheers for Johnson and his policy.

Then came a scene. Every last one uv em hed come there with a note made out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakness of mine, and I signed em all, feelin that ef the mere fact of writin my name wood do em any good, it wood be crooel in me to object to the little laber required. Bless their innocent soles! they went away happy.

The next mornin I took possesshun uv the offis.

"Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the commisshun! It is troo! it is troo!

I heerd a child, across the way, singin,--

"I'd like to be a angel,
And with the angels stand."

I woodn't, thought I. I woodn't trade places with an angel, even up. A Offis with but little to do, with four grocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel 4sooth!

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster.)