Chapter XXXI

The Presidential Tour Continued.--From Detroit to Indianapolis.

POST OFFIS, CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
September 11, 1866.

I am at home, and glad am I that I am at home. Here in Kentucky, surrounded by Dimicrats, immersed a part of the time in my offishel dooties, and the balance uv the time in whiskey, with the privilege uv wallopin niggers, and the more inestimable and soothing privilege uv assistin in mobbin uv Northern Ablishnists, who are not yet all out uv the State, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vain regrets. I alluz go to bed nites, feeling that the day hez not bin wasted.

From Detroit the Presidential cavalcade, or ez the infamous Jacobin Radical party irrevelently term it, the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns his Imperial Highniss received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I continue my diary:

IPSLANTY.--At this pint the President displayed that originality and fertility uv imaginashun karacteristic uv him. The recepshun wuz grand. The masses called for Grant, and His Highness promptly responded. He asked em, ef he was Judis Iskariot who wuz the Saviour? Thad Stevens? If so, then after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitors at both ends of the line, I leeve the 36 States with 36 stars onto em in yoor hands, and--

The train wuz off amid loud shouts uv "Grant! Grant!" to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.

ANN ARBOR.--At this pint the train moved in to the inspiring sounds uv a band playin "Hale to the Cheef," and vocifrous cries uv "Grant! Grant!" His Majesty smilinly appeared and thanked em for the demonstration. It was soothin, he remarked. The air their band wuz playin, "Hail to the Chief," wuz appropit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the nashen, to wich posishen he hed reached, hevin bin Alderman uv his native village, U.S. Senator, etsettry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President thanked em for the demonstration. It showed him that the people wuz with him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv 36 States and a flag uv 36 stars onto it. Ef I am a traitor, sed he, warmin up, who is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swingin around the cirkle, I find Thad Stevens on the one side and Jeff' Davis on the--

The conductor cruelly startid the train, without givin him time to finish.

The crowd proposed three cheers for Grant, and the President waved his hat to em, sayin that he thanked em, showing as it did that the people wuz with him.

BATTLE CREEK.--A large number was assembled here, who, ez the train stopped, yelled "Grant! Grant!" Affected to tears by the warmth uv the reception, the President thanked em for this mark of confidence. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to the people's being with him, these doubts wuz removed. He wood leave in their hands the flag and the Union uv 36 States, and the stars thereto appertaining. Ef he wuz a Joodis Iskariot who wuz--

The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez the train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin his hat.

KALAMAZOO.--The offishels were on hand at this pint, and so wuz the people--4 offishels and several thousand people, which the latter greeted us with cheers for Grant! Grant! The President responded, sayin, that in swingin around the cirkle, he hed bin called Joodis Iskariot for sacrificin uv hisself for the people! Who wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad Stevens? No! Then cleerly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv 36 stars with 36 States onto em, intact and undissevered.

The offishels received the stars and States, and amid cheers for Grant, for which the President thanked em, the train glode off magestically.

And so on to Chicago, where we didn't get off our speech, though from the manner in wich the people hollered Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at realizin how much they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the 36 States and the flag with the stars at em, but ez General Logan wuz there, ready to fling em back, it wuz deemed highly prudent not to do it.

Here my trials commenst. At the Biddle House, in Detroit, the nigger waiters showed how much a African kin be spiled by bein free. _They hed the impudence to refoose to wait on us_, and for a half hour the imperial stumick wuz forced to fast. This alarmin manifestation uv negro malignancy alarmed His Eggsalency. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed the Freedmen's Buroo Bill. I hev bin Alderman uv my native town--I hev swung around the entire cirkle, but this I never dreemed uv. What would they do if they hed their rites?" The insident made an impression onto him, and at Chicago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste evrything onto this table."

"Why? my liege," sed I.

"Niggers is cooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, for I ain't in the Moses bizness. Taste, my friend."

"But spozn," sed I, "that it _shood_ be pizoned? Wat uv _my_ bowels? My stomick is uv ez much valyoo to me ez yourn is to yoo."

"Nasby," sez he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing around the cirkle? Who'd sling the flag and the 36 stars at the people, and who'd leave the Constooshn in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor offishl head."

That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that offis I'd chaw striknine, for uv what akkount is a Dimokrat, who hez wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker--to act ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the nigger waiters. I wood taste uv every dish and drink from each bottle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in 15 minits His serene Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I resoom my diary:

JOLIET.--The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Potency, the President, promptly acknowledged the compliment. He was sacrificin hisself for them--who hed made greater sacrifices? He hed bin Alderman uv his native town, and Vice-President; he wuz too modest to make a speech; but ef he wuz Joodas Iskariot, who wuz the Saviour? He hed swung around the cirkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands the--

And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Democratic country, uv wich I informed his Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. "Easy," sez I. "I observe in the crowds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, with pig pens in front ov em; and what is more, I observe that crowds compliment yoo direct, instead of doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. The Knights uv the Golden Cirkle, wich I spect is the identical cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approach yoo confidently."

The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a flooidity I never observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle term, that he had a hemorrhage uv words. At the latter city our reception was the most flatrin uv eny we have experienced. The people, when the President appeared on the balcony uv the Bates House, yelled so vociferously for Grant, that the President, when he stepped forward to acknowledge the compliment, coodent be heard at all. He waved his hat; and the more he waved it the more complimentary the crowd became. "Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President showed himself the more they yelled Grant, until, overpowered by the warmth uv the recepshun, and unwillin to expose his health, the President retired without slingin a speech at em, but entirely satisfied that the people wuz with him.

The next mornin the office-holders uv the State, without the people, assembled, and he made his regler speech to em, wich appeared to be gratifyin to both him and them. The President does not like to sleep with a undelivered speech on his mental stumick. It gives him the nitemare.

Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend to my official dooties. There is five Northern families near the Corners wich must hev notice to leave, and eight niggers to hang. I hed orders to report to the party somewhere between Looisville and Harrisburgh, wich I shall do, ez, travelin by order, I get mileage and sich.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.