Chapter XXV

Turns a Meeting, called to Indorse General Rosseau, to Account.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 22, 1866.

There wuz joy at the Corners when the Postmaster (who takes the only paper wich comes to the office, ceptin a few wich comes to some demoralized niggers who hev learned to read, and the officers uv the Freedmen's Burow here) read to the crowd the news uv the canin wich Rosso, wich is uv Kentucky, give Grinnell. It sent a thrill uv joy through the State, wich ain't done thrillin yet. Bustin out into nine harty cheers, we to-wunst organized a meetin for the purpose uv expressin our feelins on the momentous occasion. The bell wuz rung, the people gathered together, and I wuz elected Chairman (they alluz elect me to preside becoz I'm bald-hedded; they think bald heads and dignity is inseparable), and Deekin Pogram Secretary, with 36 Vice-Presidents--one for each State. I made a short speech on takin the chair, congratulatin em on the auspicious event wich called us together. Whereupon a Committee on Resolutions wuz appinted, wich, after a short absense, reported ez follows:--

Whereas, Genral Rosso, a native-born Kentuckian, and therefore a
gentleman, hevin got into a argument with a Iowa sheep-breeder;
and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the argument, he dextrously
turned it into blackguardin; and,

Whereas, hevin got the wust uv the blackguardin, he remembered
the ancient usages uv the chivalrous sons uv the South, and
caned him; therefore, be it

_Resolved_, That we, the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit × Roads, wich is
in the State uv Kentucky, hereby thank General Rosso for his
manly vindication uv the character uv Kentucky.

_Resolved_, That we know not wich to admire the most; the dashin
Gineral's courage in bravin the public sentiment uv the North,
or his prudence in selectin the smallest and physically weakest
man in the House to demonstrate onto.

_Resolved_, That ez Thad Stevens is 70 years uv age, and lame,
and hardly recovered from his fit uv sickness, we suggest that
our beloved hero commence a argument with him, feelin that so
far ez the argument and blackguardin goes the result will be the
same, only so much more so ez to give him a good excuse for
killin him, wich wood be doin the South a servis indeed.

_Resolved_, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hevent felt so good
sence the Memphis riots.

_Resolved_, That this manly act uv Gineral Rosso's makes up and
compensates the South for the outrage he inflicted onto her when
he jined the vandal host wich devastated her soil, and that
hereafter he shel be receeved with just the same cordiality ez
tho he had gone into the Confedrit instid uv the Federal servis.

_Resolved_, That the thanks uv the Dimocrisy are due the bold,
brave men who accompanied and stood by General Rosso in this
vindication uv the Southern spirit.

I put the affirmative, ez is the custom here, it bein the rool, when the leaders want a thing to pass, never to call for the nays, and it went through all right. Then I arose, and stated I hed another resolution, wich I wished to offer, and I read it:--

"_Resolved_, That in retainin in the Post Offis, at the Corners, a Ablishnist, President Johnson is--"

At this point Deekin Pogram interrupted me. He spozed this meetin wuz called to congratulate Ginral Rosso, and wat wuz the sense uv mixin up a paltry Post Offis with a matter uv so much importance ez the canin uv a Ablishnist? It was clearly out uv order.

I replied,--

"Wood _yoo_ be glad, or wood this congregashun be glad, to hev me in the Post Orfis in the place uv that Ablishnist?"

The Deekin replied that personally he wood. He had the highest respect for my massive talents and my excellent qualities uv head and heart, and besides, he thought probable, ef I got the Post Orfis, he wood stand a chance uv gettin the nine dollars and sixty-two cents borrowed money I owed him, and--

I called him to order at once.

Bascom, who keeps the grocery, and who furnishes me with likker (wich I hev to take for my hair) on the strength uv remittances I am to receeve, insisted on hearin the resolution ef it wood further my gettin the Post Orfis, and so did the benevolent gentleman with whom I board, and I resoomed,--

"I kin see a good reason for incorporatin a resolooshun demandin a change in the Post Orfis into the proceedins uv this meetin. There wood be, my friends," sed I, "no yoose uv sendin him a naked resolution demandin this change, becoz he reseeves hundreds and tens uv hundreds uv applications for offices every day; in fact, they pile in at sich a rate that he never opens the half uv them. The Dimocrisy, my brethren, are alive on this subject. Ef they are to support the President, they want, and will hev, the post orifises, for uv what use is it to support a man and pay yoor own expenses? It is plain that the proceedins uv a post offis meetin wood never reach him, but this, my brethren, goes up to him from the PEOPLE, endorsin a supporter uv his policy, and ez it will be the only one he hez reseeved, or will reseeve, he will read it and read it through, and in the exultation he will feel at bein endorsed by anybody, who doubts the result? The Post Orifis is mine."

Bascom, the grocery keeper, moved, excitedly, the adoption uv the resolution. I suggested that I hed better read it, but he sed it made no difference; he knew it wuz all rite. The benevolent and confidin individooal I board with seconded the motion, and Deekin Pogram supported it in a short speech, statin that he understood that it wuz Brother Nasby's intention, ef he succeeded in procoorin the position, to devote the first three and a half years' salary towards payin off the small indebtedness he hed contracted sence he hed honored the town by residin in it. To all uv wich I blandly smiled an assent, whereupon the resolution wuz adopted yoonanimusly. Hevin lived here a little risin uv a year, the vote wuz perfeckly yoonanimous.

My prospex is britenin.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.