Chapter XXXVIII

"Will you have Andrew Johnson President or King?"--A Dream, in which Andrew Johnson figures as a King, surrounded by his Nobles.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
October 24, 1866.

Dreams is only vouchsafed to persons uv a imaginative and speritooal nacher, uv whom I am which. Ther aint anything gross or sensual about me that I know uv. Troo I eat pork, but that is to offset the effex uv whisky, wich, ef twasn't counteracted, wood make me entirely too etherial for this grovelin world. I eat pork, to restrain my exuberant imaginashun, and enable me to come down to the dry detail uv offish'l life--to fit me for the proper discharge uv my dooties ez a Postmaster. Whiskey lifts me above the posishun--pork brings me back agin. It's fat and greasy, like the pay and perquisites uv the Postmaster--it comes from the most nasty, senseless, and unclean uv animals, like our commishuns--in short, I recommend all uv Johnson's Postmasters to eat pork. It's ther nateral diet.

Last nite I partook uv a pound or so too much, and ez a consekence, didn't sleep well. While I wuz eatin (moistnin my lips with Looisville conslation the while), I wuz a musin onto Seward's question, whether they wood hev Johnson President or King, and while musin I fell in2 the arms uv Morfus. My mind bust loose from the body and sored. Ez I sunk to slumber, the narrow room, wich is at wunst my offis and dormitory, widened and enlarged, the humble chairs become suddenly upholstered in gorgus style, the taller dip become multiplied into thousands uv gorgus chandileers, the portraits uv His Highness the President, and the other Democrats on the wall, became alive. I comprehended the situation to wunst. ANDROO JOHNSON had cut the Gorjan knot with someboddy's sword, and hed carried out his Policy to its nateral concloosion. He was King, and wuz reignin under the title uv ANDROO THE I., and I wuz (in my dreem uv course) in his kingly halls.

It wuz, methawt, a reception nite. His High Mightiness wuz a sittin onto a elevated throne, covered with red velvet, and studded with diamonds, and pearls, and onyxs, and other precious stones--onto his head wuz a crown, and he wuz enveloped into a robe uv black velvet, his nose and the balance uv his face gleaming out like a flash uv litenin from a thunder cloud. Lyin prostrate at the foot uv the throne, doin the offis uv a footstool, wuz Charles Sumner, wunst Senator, wich wuz typikle uv the complete triumph we hed won over our enemies; while doin other menial offices about the halls, wuz Wade, Wilson, Fessenden, Sherman, and others who hed opposed the change from a Republic to a Kingdom. They wuz clothed in a approprit costoom, knee breeches and sich, and presented a pekoolyerly imposin appearance.

Carriages containing the nobility began to arrive, and ez they entered, the Grand High Lord Chamberlin uv the Palis, the Markis von Randall, announct em. "Dook de Davis!" was ejackelatid, and Jeffson entered. "Earl von Toombs," "Sir Joseph E. Johnston," "Markis de Bouregard," "Count de Pollard," and so forth.

Noticin that the titles I hed heerd wuz mostly tacked to Southern men, I asked Giddy Welles, who wuz standin by, why it wuz thus, and he sed that Northners wuzn't reely fit for it. We wuz, he said, a low, grovlin race, and coodent adapt ourselves to the habits uv nobility. The South wuz shivelrus, and cood do it. They wuz given to tournaments and sich--they hed got accustomed to cirkus clothes, and cood wear a sword without its gettin awkwardly between the legs. Northern men, sich ez were faithful, wuz allowed to barsk in the smiles uv royalty, but it wuz in sich positions ez sooted their capacity. He, for instance, hed charge uv the royal poultry yard, a position which he bleved he filled to the entire satisfaction uv his beloved and royal master. He hed now four hens a settin, each on four eggs, and he hoped in the course uv two years, ef there wuz no adverse circumstances, to hev fresh eggs for the royal table. It wuz a position uv great responsibility, and one wich weighed upon him. Seward wuz privy counsler, Doolittle wuz steward uv the household, and Thurlow Weed wuz Keeper uv the King's revenue, and wuz a doin very well indeed.

By this time the company assembled. His Highness wuz in a merry mood, and unbendid hisself. Ther wuz a knot uv the nobility gathered in a corner, and after a earnest interview uv a minnit, Count Von Cowan advanced to the foot uv the throne, and on bendid knee demanded a boon.

"What, my faithful servitor, dost thou most desire?" sed His Highness.

"We wood, Your Majesty, hev the prisoners uv state brot into the presence, that we may make merry over 'em."

"It shel be done," sed His Majesty, and forthwith Baron von Steedman, who hed command uv the King's Household Body Guard, wuz sent for them. In a moment they wuz brot in. They wuz a mizable lookin set. Forney and Wendell Phillips wuz chained together, Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson, Dick Yates and Gov. Morton, Ben Butler and Carl Shurz, Kelly and Covode, while Chase wuz tied to Horis Greely, onto whose back wuz a placard, inscribed, "The last uv the Tribunes;" at wich Raymond, who left the Radikels and declared for the empire at precisely the rite time, and wuz now editor of the _Court Journal_, laffed immodritly. Some one exclaimed, "Bring in Thad Stevens!" at wich His Majesty turned pale, and his knees smote together. "Don't, don't!" sez he; "he's strength enuff left to wag his tongue. Keep him away! keep him away!" and he showed ez much fear ez men do in delirum tremens when they see snakes.

Methawt I made inquiries, and found that things wuz workin satisfactory. Gen. Grant wuz in exile, and Gen. Sheridan hed bin decapitatid for refoosin to acquiesce in the new arrangement. The country hed bin divided into dookdoms and earldoms, and sich, over wich the nobility rooled with undispooted authority. The principal men uv the North hed been capcherd and subdooed, and wuz a fillin menial positions in the palaces uv the nobility. No Lord or Dook or Earl considered himself well served onless he hed a half dozen Northern Congressmen in his house, while the higher grade uv nobility wuzn't content with anythin less than Guvners. The indebtednis uv the South to the North hed bin adjustid. A decree hed bin ishood to the effect that Northern merchants who shood press a claim agin a Southerner shood be beheaded and his goods confistikated. The question uv slavery hed bin settled forever, for the Dimekratic ijee uv one class to serve and one class to be served wuz fully establisht. There wuz now three classes uv society, the hereditary nobility, the untitled officials, and the people; the latter, black and white, wuz all serfs, and all attached to the soil. Biznis wuz all done by foreigners, the policy uv the government bein to make the native born people purely agricultural peasantry. The nobility, desirin to make it easy for em, giv em one sixth uv the produx uv the soil, reservin the balance for their own uses.

My dreem didn't continyoo long enuff for me to ascertain whether I wuz a nobleman or not, but I am uv the opinion that I wuz, for a servant, handin me a pin to stick into Gen. Butler to make him roar for the amoozement of the company, addressed me ez "Yoor Grace," from wich I inferred that I wuz one uv of the Lords spiritooal. Unfortunitly at this pint I awoke, and a sad awakenin it wuz. The gorjus halls hed vanished, the chandeleers hed vanished, the robes uv stait and jewels and sich wuz gone, and I wuz in my offis, not "Yoor Grace," but merely a Postmaster in a Kentucky village! Well, that is suthin. Wat better is a nobleman? He don't work, neither do I. He drinks wine, it is troo; but I hev wat soots me better--whiskey fresh from the still. Yet my dreem may be realized, and ef it is, I will endevoor to fill the position with credit. Who knows?

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster).