Chapter XXXII

The End of the Presidential Tour.--From Louisville to Washington.

WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
September, 12, '66.

I rejined the Presidenshel party at Looisville, and glad I am that I did it at that pint. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left Chicago, or rather sence he got near St. Loois, for two-thirds uv Illinois wuz pizen, and Indianapolis wuz pizener. From St. Loois the recepshuns wuz trooly corjel and even enthoosiastic. We got out uv the region uv aristocrats, and hed come down to the hard-fisted yomanry. I seed holes thro the hats uv men; I seed wat mite be called the flag uv Democrisy wavin from behind em, which, ez they genrally either had no coats at all, or if any, they were roundabouts, wuz alluz in view. I saw wimen who disdained stockins and dipped snuff, and I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy. The cheerin for Grant and Farragut closed ez we got into them regions, and uv the vociferous crowds half uv em, the younger ones, cheered Andrew Johnson, while the old veterans, them whose noses wuz blossomin for the tomb, cheered for Andrew Jackson. His Serenity smilinly acknowledged both, by makin a speech to em, and wavin his hat.

With these preliminary remarks I resoom my diary:--

LOUISVILLE.--There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperial Majesty, who wuz in a eggslent condition to make crowds large enough, remarked to me as we wuz ridin through the streets: "'Splen 'splay! 'Mor'n ten 'unerd sousand people--mor'n ten million people--mor'n ten 'unerd million people--mor'n ten 'unerd sousand million people--and alluvum 'sporters my policy. 'Rah for me!"

His Majesty ondoubtedly eggsagerated towards the last; but it is safe to put the throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. There wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The red white and red wuz displayed from almost half the houses, ladies waved their handkerchiefs ez we passed, and men cheered. A pleasin incident occurd here. I noticed one gushin maiden uv thirty-seven wavin her handkercher ez tho she was gettin so much per wave, and had rent to pay that nite. I recognized her to wunst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into the service uv the United States, and clothed in a bob-tailed blue coat, and hed a Oystran muskit put into my unwillin hands, and forced to fite agin my brethren, our regiment passed thro Looisville and stayed there some days. I wuz walkin one afternoon, when I met this identical angel. She saw my bloo kote, and enraged, spit in my face with sich energy that she threw out uv her mouth a full sett uv false teeth. I returned em gallantly, wiped my face with my handkercher, and vowed that handkercher shood henceforth be kept sacred. It wuz; and when I seed her wavin hern at our party, I wept like a Philadelphia Convenshen. I stopped the carriage, met the patriotic female, called her attention to the incident, and handed her my handkercher which hed, four years before, wiped her spittle. The incident gave new vigor to her arms, and from that time she waved two handkerchers, and mine wuz one uv em. I narrated the insident to the President, and he wept.

There wuz a large perceshen and a great variety of banners. Among the most noticeable, wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a leg off, dressed in the gray uniforms into wich they hed been mustered out, with this motto: "We are willin to go the other leg for A. Jonson." Another company uv solgers, who hed each lost an arm, carried this inscription: "What we didn't get by bullets, we shel get by ballots."

The President cut down his speech jest one half here. In swingin around the cirkle he omitted to menshen that he found traitors on the Southern side uv it. But he left the constooshn in their hands cheerfully.

CINCINNATI.--A very enthoosiastic recepshen--continyood and loud cheers for Grant, wich the President acknowledged. A unsophisticated Postmaster, who jined us here, wanted to know why the people cheered for Grant instid uv the President, to which His Highness answered that they wuz considrit--they knew his modesty, and wanted to spare his blushes. Another man, who wuz also unsophisticated, asked him, confidenshelly, ef he didn't think there wuz a samenis in his speeches, and that ef he didn't think he'd do better to give a greater variety. His Eggslency asked him how there _cood_ be more variety. "At Cincinnati," sed he, "I observed the followin order:--

1. I swung around the cirkle.

2. I asked who wuz the Saviour ef I wuz Joodis Iskariot?

3. I left the Constitooshn, the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in their hands.

Now, at Columbus, I shel vary it thusly:

1. The Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

2. The Joodis Iskariot biznis.

3. Swingin around the cirkle.

At Stoobenville, agin, ez follows:

1. Joodis Iskariot.

2. Swingin around the cirkle.

3. Constitooshn, flag, and stars.

And so on. It's susceptible uv many changes. I thot uv that when I writ that speech, and divided it up into sections on purpose."

JOHNSTOWN, PA.--A bridge fell down, onto wich wuz 400 voters, killin a dozen uv em. His Eggslency felt releeved when heerin uv the axident, at bein asshoored that there wuzn't wun uv his supporters on the bridge. He considered it a speshl Providence. The condukter overheerd the remark, and answered, that ef any uv his supporters wuz killed in that seckshun they'd have to import wun for the purpose.

MIFFLIN, PA.--A enthoosiastic indivijjle who wants the Post Office at this place very much, fell on the President's neck, and wept, hailin him ez the "Preserver uv the Union." The President thanked him for this spontaneous triboot, and left in his hands the Constitooshun, the flag, and the appintment he desired.

BALTIMORE.--There wuz a spontaneous recepshun here, wich wuz gratifying to us. The perceshun wuz immense, and the mottoes expressive. One division wuz headed by the identikle indivijooel who fired the first shot at the Massachusetts men in 1861. He is a ardent supporter uv President Johnson's policy. One flag wuz capchered from a Injeany regiment at the first Bull Run, at wich the President wept. "Things is becomin normal," sed he, "when the people will stand that. Wat love!--wat unity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich was lately borne by foes, now minglin in the same proceshun, and all uv em cheerin ME."

At last we arrived at Washinton, hevin swung entirely round the cirkle, and found traitors North and South. The demonstrashen to greet the President on his arrival was immense. The clerks in all the departments wuz out (at least them ez wuzn't will wish they hed bin, ez their names wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ordered out, and altogether it wuz the most spontaneous exhibition I ever witnest. The Mayor made a speech. The President asked if he was Joodis Iscariot who wuz the Saviour--told him he had swung around the entire cirkle, and hed found traitors on all sides uv it, though sence he left Cleveland, Chicago, and Indianapolis he wuz satisfied there wuz the heft uv them in the North; but be this ez it may, he left the Constooshn, and the 36 States, and the flag with 36 stars onto it, in his hands. He had bin Alderman uv his native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and Vice-President, and President, wich latter circumstance he considered forchinit, but wuz, after all, an Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oats much, and wood do his dooty agin traitors North, ez well as agin his misguided friends South.

And so ended the Presidential excursion.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P.M.
(wich is Postmaster),
and likewise Chaplin to the expedishn.

P.S. I forgot to menshun that at Chicago we laid the corner-stone uv a monument to Douglas. The occurence hed entirely slipped my memory.

P.V.N.