Chapter XXII

The Reconstructed meet to Congratulate the Country upon the Result of the Memphis Outbreak.--The Reverend discourses upon the Nigger, and runs against a Snag.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
May 12, 1866.

The news from Memphis filled the soles uv the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky with undilooted joy. There, at last, the Ethiopian wuz taught that to him, at least, the spellin book is a seeled volume, and that the gospel is not for him, save ez he gits it filtered through a sound, constooshnel, Dimekratic preacher. We met at the Corners last nite to jollify over the brave acts uv our Memphis frends, and I wuz the speeker. I addressed them on the subjick uv the nigger,--his wants, needs, and capacities,--a subjick, permit me to state, I flatter myself I understand.

Probably no man in the Yoonited States hez given the nigger more study, or devoted more time to a pashent investigashen uv this species uv the brute creashen, than the undersigned. I have contemplated him sittin and standin, sleepin and wakin, at labor and in idleness,--in every shape, in fact, ceptin ez a free man, wich situashen is too disgustin for a proud Caucashen to contemplate him; and when he ariz before my mind's eye in that shape, I alluz turned shuddrin away.

I hed proceeded in my discourse with a flowin sale. It's easy demonstratin anythin yoor awjence wants to beleeve, and wich their interest lies in. For instants, I hev notist wicked men, who wuz somewhat wedded to sin, genrally lean toward Universalism; men heavily developed in the back uv the neck are easily convinst uv the grand trooths uv free love; and them ez is too fond uv makin money to rest on the seventh day, hev serious doubts ez to whether the observance uv the Sabbath is bindin onto em. I, not likin to work at all, am a firm beleever in slavery, and wood be firmer ef I cood get start enuff to own a nigger.

I hed gone on and proved concloosively, from a comparison uv the fizzikle structer uv the Afrikin and the Caucashen, that the nigger wuz a beast, and not a human bein; and that, consekently, we hed a perfeck rite to catch him, and tame him, and yoose him ez we do other wild animals. Finishin this hed uv my discourse, I glode easily into a history uv the flood; explained how Noer got tite and cust Ham, condemnin him and his posterity to serve his brethren forever, wich I insisted give us an indubitable warranty deed to all uv em for all time.

I warmed up on this elokently. "Behold, my brethren, the beginnin uv Dimocrasy," I sed. "Fust, the wine (which wuz the antetype of our whisky) wuz the beginnin. Wine (or whisky) wuz necessary to the foundation uv the party, and it wuz forthcomin. But the thing was not complete. It did its work on Noer, but yet there wuz a achin void. There was no _Nigger_ in the world, and without nigger there could be no Dimocracy. Ham, my friends, wuz born a brother uv Japhet, and wuz like unto him, and, uv course, could not be a slave. Whisky wuz the instrument to bring him down; and it fetched him. Ham looked upon his father, and was cust; and the void wuz filled. THERE WUZ NIGGER AND WHISKY, and upon them the foundashuns uv the party wuz laid, broad and deep. Methinks, my brethren, when Ham went out from the presence uv his father, black in the face ez the ace uv spades (ef I may be allowed to yoose the expression), bowin his back to the burdens Shem and Japhet piled onto him with alacrity, that Democracy, then in the womb uv the future, kicked lively, and clapped its hands. There wuz a nigger to enslave, and whisky to bring men down to the pint uv enslavin him. There wuz whisky to make men incapable uv labor; whisky to accompany horse racin, and poker playin, and sich rational amoosements, and a nigger cust especially that he mite sweat to furnish the means. Observe the fitniss uv things. Bless the Lord, my brethren, for whisky and the nigger; for, without em, there could be no Dimocrisy, and yoor beloved speaker mite hev owned a farm in Noo Jersey, and bin a votin the whig ticket to-day."

At this pint, a venerable old freedman, who wuz a sittin quietly in the meetin, ariz, and asked ef he mite ask a question. Thinkin what a splendid opportoonity there wood be uv demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Caucashen over the Afrikin race, I answered "Yes," gladly.

"Well, Mas'r," sed the old imbecile, "is I a beest?"

"My venerable friend, there ain't nary doubt uv it."

"Is my old woman a old beastesses, too?"

"Indubitably," replied I.

"And my children--is they little beasts and beastesses?"

"Onquestionably."

"Den a yaller feller ain't but a half a beast, is he?"

"My friend," sed I, "that question is--"

"Hold on," sed he; "wat I wanted to git at is dis: dere's a heap uv yaller fellers in dis section, whose fadders must hev bin white men; and, ez der mudders wuz all beastesses, I want to know whedder dar ain't no law in Kentucky agin--"

"Put him out!" "Kill the black wretch!" shouted a majority uv them who hed bin the heaviest slave owners under the good old patriarkle system, and they went for the old reprobate. At this pint, a officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau, who we hedn't observed, riz, and, bustin with laughter, remarked that his venerable friend shood have a chance to be heerd. We respeck that Burow, partikelerly ez the officers generally hev a hundred or two bayonets within reech, and, chokin our wrath, permitted ourselves to be further insulted by the cussed nigger, who, grinnin from ear to ear, riz and perceeded.

"My white friends," sed he, "dar pears to be an objection to my reference to de subjeck uv dis mixin with beasts, so I won't press de matter. But I ask yoo, did Noer hev three sons?"

"He did," sed I.

"Berry good. Wuz dey all brudders?"

"Uv course."

"Ham come from the same fadder and mudder as the odder two?"

"C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y."

"Well, den, it seems to me--not fully understandin the skripters--dat if we is beasts and beastesses, dat you is beasts and beastesses also, and dat, after all, we is brudders." And the disgustin old wretch threw his arms around my neck, and kissed me, callin me his "long lost brudder."

The officer uv the Freedmen's Bureau laft vosiferously, and so did a dozen or two soljers in the crowd likewise; and the awjence slunk out without adjournin the meetin, one uv em remarkin, audibly, that he had notised one thing, that Dimocrisy wuz extremely weak whenever it undertook to defend itself with fax or revelashun. For his part, he'd done with argyment. He wanted niggers, because he cood wallop em, and make em do his work without payin em, wich he coodent do with white men.

I left the meetin house convinst that the South, who worked the niggers, leavin us Northern Dimokrats to defend the system, hed the best end uv the bargain.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.