Chapter XXVII

A Pleasant Dream, the Philadelphia Convention being the Subject thereof.

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
July 28, 1866.

My dreams, uv wich I hev hed many doorin the past five years, hevent bin overly pleasant; indeed, they hev taken more the shape uv hideous nitemares than anything else--Linkin, Grant, Sherman, and armies dressed in blue, figurin extensively therein. But last nite I hed a vision wich more than repaid me for all I hev suffered heretofore. I hed bin at the Corners assistin in inauguratin a new grocery. The proprietor wuz a demoralized Ablishnist who hed sold likker surreptitiously in Maine, among them Ablishunists, and consekently hed no idea uv the quantity a full grown Kentucky Democrat cood throw hisself outside uv. His entire capital with which he proposed to commence biznis wuz one barrel uv new corn whiskey, and some other necessaries, and ez a starter, to make the acquaintance uv his customers, he announced one free nite, and invited the entire community. His invitashun wuz considered generous, and we met it in the same noble sperit--in a more nobler sperit than the confidin and ignorant man desired, in fact; for when we got through, in about 38 minits, there wuzn't a drop uv the whiskey left, and while the new grocery keeper wuz a rollin uv us out, he wuz cussin hisself for a fool. He didn't open agin; he consoomed his stock in trade in givin the blow-out to sekoor customers. His stock, like A. Johnson's Unionism, didn't survive an inaugerashen.

I succumbed in a fence corner, and overpowered ez I wuz, slept

"A sweetly dreamin--
Dreamin the happy hours away."

Methought I wuz in Philadelphia, and the 14th uv August had arriv. There wuz a glorious assemblage, ez Doolittle sed, uv the brains and hearts uv the country, and I may add, ez I and Humphrey Marshall wuz there, uv the bowels likewise. The Convenshun wuz assemblin. There wuz Seward present, engineerin uv it. On one side uv him I notist, in my dream, a shadowy bein with wings, draped in white, and wearin a melonkoly look, with one hand a layin on his shoulder, a tryin to take him out uv the hall, while another bein, with wings like a bat, hed him by the nose, and wuz a twistin uv him jest ez he desired. I notist that this last mentioned bein hed hoofs, wich wuz split, and a tail wich he wuz flirtin in great glee. The bein with the tail and hoofs whispered suthin in Seward's ear, whereupon he moved that that eminent patriot, Ex-President FRANKLIN PIERCE, be chairman; upon wich the shadowy bein in white unfolded her wings, and flew away, castin at William the most sorrowful look I ever saw, the hoofed and tailed individooal laughin tremendous. The Ex-President took the chair, and one Vice-President wuz appointed from each State, ceptin Vermont and Massachoosits. My buzzum swelled with emoshen ez that list wuz read; it wuz more like an old-fashioned Democratic Convenshun than anything I hed heard for five long years. I heard the honored names uv Toombs and Rhett, Pryor and Lee, Slidell and Rosso, and Dandridge and Forrest; I heard the names uv Craven and Pollard, Thompson and Forsyth, and I felt like him uv old--"Mine eyes hev seen thy glory, now let thy servant depart in peace." Nothin but the certainty that I wood at last hev that Post Offis at the Corners kept me from goin up. Singler 'tis wat slender ties hold us to earth!

The Secretaries wuz apinted, and then the committees--two on each from the South and one from the North, wich wuz consiliatin. I wuz put on the committee on credenshals, Randall, the Postmaster-General, bein the Northern representative. We hed our hands full. There wuz a rush made on us, so many claimin seats that we locked the doors for two hours to decide what shood be the proper qualification for a place. Finally we agreed to admit ez delegates,--

FROM THE NORTH--all Dimocrats who had bin arrested by Linkin's minyuns; all officers who hed resined rather than to serve in a Ablishun war, and all Republikins who cood show a commishun ez Postmaster and sich, and (this wuz considered necessary to guard agin imposition) who wuz willin to take his solemn oath that he wuz a steadfast bleever in everything A. Johnson hed did sence Janooary, '66 (ceptin sum small items wich wuz specified), and all he wuz doin, and all he mite do.

FROM THE SOUTH--all who cood show a officer's commission in the late Confedrit army; all who had receeved a pardon from A. Johnson, and all who hed lost their niggers in an unholy war, wich inclooded all present.

This decided upon, the work wuz done. The delegates took their seats, and the grate work uv Reconstructin the Yoonyun commenced. Garret Davis wanted to make a speech, and a hall wuz hired for him in another part uv the city, and fifty or sixty German emigrants, who coodent understand a word uv English, hired at a shillin an hour to act ez audience. Five kegs uv lager beer, a flooid wich I hev bin told Germans tie to, hed bin rolled in the hall, and most uv em stayed seven hours and a half.

In the regler Hall there wuz a comminglin which wuz edifyin. Doolittle wood make a motion, and Vallandigham wood second it. Forrest made a speech, and Randall indorsed it. Seward and John Morrissey were on the Committee on Resolutions, and Dick Taylor and Cowan were occupyin one seat. The resolutions were brief and to the pint. They resolved that,--

Whereas, there hed bin a season uv unpleasantness in our
national history, wich, owin to circumstances over wich nobody
hed any control, extended over several periods uv ninety days
each; and

Whereas, the unpleasantness resulted from the two sections
viewin things each from its own stand-pint, instead of viewin
things from the other's stand-pint; and

Whereas, both parties wuz highly in the wrong, partikelerly the
North; and

Whereas, the South, with a magnanimity unknown in history, hed
thrown down her arms, and wuz ready to resoom her old position
in the Government--nay, more, to take more than her old share in
the trouble uv runnin the Government; therefore be it

_Resolved_, That we are for the Yoonyun ez it wuz.

_Resolved_, That the persistency uv a sectional Congress, in
continuin the unpleasantness wich hez to some extent disturbed
our system uv Government, in legistatin while eleven sovereign
States is unrepresented, is pizen.

_Resolved_, That we view with alarm the manifest determination
uv Congress to centralize in theirselves the law-makin power uv
the Government, and we pledge our support to our worthy Chief
Magistrate, who is a second Jaxon, in his efforts to check their
centralizin schemes by vetoin all they may do.

_Resolved_, That all traces uv the late onpleasantness may be
wiped out ez soon ez possible, we demand uv Congress an
appropriation for plowin over all the fields on wich the
citizens uv the two sections who wuz indoost by their respective
Governments, so-called, to carry muskets, cum together,
particklerly them on wich our Southern brethren got the worst uv
the disputes that ensood.

_Resolved_, That Congress shood, ez soon ez it convenes, change
the names uv Murfreesboro', Gettysburg, Atlanta, Vicksburg, et
settry, to sich names ez Smithboro', Brownsburg, Jonesburg, et
settry, that the serious unpleasantnesses wich occurred at them
places may be remembered no more forever.

_Resolved_, That the citizens uv the Southern States wich lost
their lives, and legs, and sich, in the late unpleasantnesses
wich hez bin referred to, ought to be placed on the pension
rolls the same ez the Northern citizens who suffered likewise;
and that the debt incurred by the South in upholdin things ez
viewed from its stand-pint, is entitled to be paid the same ez
the debt incurred by the North in upholdin things ez viewed from
its stand-pint.

_Resolved_, That we are willin, for the sake uv harmony, to
admit that Sherman and Grant were, all things considered, worthy
uv bein ranked with Lee and Jackson.

_Resolved_, That the safety uv the Government demands that sich
ez took part in the late unpleasantnis, from the Southern
States, be to-wunst admitted to Congress, and to the other
posishens wich they yoost to ornament, and that the more
unpleasant they wuz doorin the trouble the more they ought to be
admitted.

_Resolved_, That there shall be gushen confidences, we freely
forgive the honored Secretary uv State for the too free use uv
his little bell doorin the late unpleasantnis, believin that he
viewed things from his own stand-pint instead uv somebody
else's, wich alluz causes trouble.

At this pint His Eggslency, Andrew Johnson, supported by Secretary Wells on the wun side and Vice-President Stephens on one other, with Bukanan in front and Toombs behind, entered the hall. Sich a cheering I never heerd. Hats wuz slung into the air, and seats wuz torn up. Proudly they advanced up the aisle, treading, ez they went, onto a portrait uv Linkin wich a enthusiastic Connecticut delegate tore from the wall and throwd before em. They took their position on the stage, Gen. Buell holdin over em a Fedral flag, and Genral Henry A. Wise, uv Virginny, a Confedrit flag, both wavin em to the music uv two bands; one a playin Dixie, and the other Yankee Doodle.

At this pint methought the sperit uv Washinton floated into the hall, and for a minnit contemplated the countenance uv President Johnson. In my dreem I heerd him murmur, "There wuz me, and Adams, and Gefferson, and Monroe, and sich, and then cum Fillmore, and Peerce, and Bookannon, and, good God! Johnson! Faugh!" and I notist that George spit ez tho' suthin in his mouth didn't taste well. In fact, the Father uv his country looked sick, and spreadin his wings, the sperit moved out uv the hall, shakin the sperit dust off uv his speritool boots ez he shot thro' the sky-lite.

There wuz then a blank in my dream. When I resoomed, I was at the Post-offis Department the next mornin. The gullotin hed commenced work, and the supporters uv the constitushun were reseevin their commissions ez postmasters ez fast ez four hundred clerks cood make em out. Ez I pressed forward, Randall hisself give me mine. "Take it, my venerable friend," sez he, with tears a gushin down his cheeks; "take it. No more shall that Demokrat in your township who takes a paper reseeve it contaminated by the touch uv a Ablishin radical."

At this critical pint I awoke. Wood that that dream wuz a reality! Will I only git that postoffis in a dream.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.