Chapter XXIV: Presides at a Church Trial

CONFEDRIT × ROADS
(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky),
June 9, 1866.

They hed a ruction in the church at the Corners yisterday, wich bid fair to result in a rendin uv the walls of our Zion, and the tearin down uv the temple we hev reared with so much care and hev guarded with so much solissitood. When I say "we," I mean the members thereof, ez the church wuz reorganized sence the war by returned Confedrit soljers and sich Dimokrats ez remaned at home nootrel; but inasmuch ez I am the only reglerly ordained Dimokratic paster in these parts I ginerly conduct the services, and hentz hev insensibly fell into a habit uv speekin uv the church ez "my" church, and I feel all the solissitood for its spiritooal and temporal welfare that I cood ef I wuz reglerly ordained ez its paster, wich I expect to be ef I fail in gettin that post offis at the Corners, wich is now held by a Ablishnist uv the darkest dye, wich President Johnson, with a stubbornness I can't account for, persistently refooses to remove.

The case wuz suthin like this:--

Deekin Pogram wuz charged by Elder Slather with hevin, in broad daylite, with no attempt at concealment, drunk with a nigger, and a free nigger at that, in Bascom's grocery, and to prove the charge Deekin Slather called Deekin Pennibacker.

The Deekin wuz put onto the stand, and testified ez follows:--

"Wuz in Bascom's grocery a playin seven up for the drinks with Deekin Slather, Hed jist beet the Deekin one game and hed four on the second, and held high, low, and jack, and wuz modritly certin uv goin out, partiklerly ez the Deekin didn't beg. Wuz hevin a little discussion with him--the Deekin insistin that it wuz the best three in five, instead uv the best two in three, jest ez though a man cood afford to play five games between drinks! The ijee is preposterous and unheard of, and ther ain't no precedent for any sich course. We wuz settlin the dispoot in regler orthodox style--he hed his fingers twisted in my neck handkercher, and I held a stick uv stove wood suspended over his head. While in this position we wuz transfixed with horror at seein Deekin Pogram enter, arm-in-arm with a nigger, and,--"

_The Court_.--Arm-in-arm, did you say, Brother Pennibacker?

_Witness_.--Certainly.

_The Court_.--The scribe will make a minnit uv this. Go on.

_Witness_.--They cum in together, ez I sed, arm-in-arm, walked up to the bar, and drank together.

_By the Court_.--Did they drink together?

_Witness_.--They ondeniably did.

_By myself_.--The Court desires to know what partikeler flooid they absorbed.

_Witness_.--Can't say--spose 'twas Bascom's new whiskey--that's all he's got, ez the Court very well knows.

_By myself_.--The Sexton will go at once to Bascom's and procoor the identicle bottle from wich this wretched man, who stands charged with thus lowerin hisself, drunk, and bring it hither. The Court desires to know for herself whether it was really whisky. The pint is an important one for the Court to know.

A wicked boy remarked that the pint wood be better onderstood by the Court if it wuz a quart. The bottle wuz, however, brought, and the Court, wich is me, wuz satisfied that it wuz really and trooly whisky. Ez the refreshin flooid irrigated my parched throat, I wished that trials based upon that bottle cood be perpetooal.

I considered the case proved, and asked Brother Pogram what palliation he hed to offer. I set before him the enormity uv the crime, and showed him that he was by this course sappin the very foundashun uv the Church and the Democratic party. Wat's the use, I askt, uv my preachin agin nigger equality, so long ez my Deekins practis it? I told him that Ham wuz cust by Noer, and wuz condemned to be a servant unto his brethren--that he wuz an inferior race, that the Dimocrisy wuz built upon that idea, and that associatin with him in any shape that indicated equality, wuz either puttin them up to our standard or lowrin ourselves to theirn; in either case the result wuz fatal. I implored Brother Pogram to make a clean breast uv it, confess his sin, and humbly receeve sich punishment ez shood be awarded him, and go and sin no more. "Speak up, Brother Pogram," sez I, paternally, and yet severely.

Brother Pogram, to my unspeakable relief, for he is the wealthiest member of the congregashun, and one we darsn't expel, replied,--

"That he DID drink with the nigger, and wat wuz more, he wuz justified in doin it, for THE NIGGER PAID FOR THE WHISKY!!"

"But shoorly," I remarked, "it wasn't nessary to yoor purpose to come in with the nigger arm-in-arm,--a attitood wich implies familiarity, ef not affeckshun."

_The Prisoner_.--The nigger and I hed bin pitchin coppers for drinks, and I, possessin more akootnis, hed won. I took the nigger by the arm, fearin that ef I let go uv him he'd dodge without payin. They are slippery.

Overjoyed, I clasped him around the neck, and to-wunst dismist the charge as unfounded and frivolous.

"My brethren," sez I, "the action of Brother Pogram is not only justifiable, but is commendable, and worthy of imitashun. Ham wuz cust by Noer, and condemned by him to serve his brethren. The nigger is the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants uv the brethren, and ef Noer hed a clear rite to cuss one of his sons, and sell him out to the balance uv the boys for all time, we hev ded wood on the nigger, for it is clear that he wuz made to labor for us and minister to our wants. So it wuz, my brethren, until an Ape, who hed power, interfered and delivered him out of our hand. Wat shel we do? Wat we cannot do by force we must do by financeerin. We can't any longer _compel_ the nigger to furnish us the means, and therefore in order to fulfil the skripter, we are justified in accomplishing by our sooperior skill wat we used to do with whips and dorgs.

"The spectacle uv Brother Pogram's marchin into Bascom's with that nigger wuz a sublime spectacle, and one well calculated to cheer the heart uv the troo Dimekrat. He hed vanquished him in an encounter where skill wuz required, thus demonstratin the sooperiority uv the Anglo-Saxon mind--he led him a captive, and made uv him a spoil.

"Wood, O wood that we all hed a nigger to play with for drinks! The case is dismissed, the costs to be paid by the complainant!"

The walls uv our Zion is stronger than ever. This trial, ez it resulted, is a new and strong abutment--a tall and strong tower.

PETROLEUM V. NASBY,
Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun.