Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (3)

LIONAnd there, what have we not seenwhat have we not heard! What brazen, unblushing faces! What cringing, and bowing, and fawning! What scoundrel smiles, what ruffian frowns! what polished lying! What hypocrisy of patriotism! What philippics, levelled in the very name of liberty, against her sacred self! What orations on the benefit of starvationon the comeliness of rags! Have we not heard selfishness speaking with a syren voice? Have we not seen the haggard face of state- craft rouged up into a look of pleasantness and innocence? Have we not, night after night, seen the national Jonathan Wilds meet to plan a robbery, andthe purse takenhave they not rolled in their carriages home, with their fingers smelling of the peoples pockets?

UNICORN.Its truetrue as an Act of Parliament.

LION.Then are we not obliged to be in the Courts of Law? In Chanceryto see the golden wheat of the honest man locked in the granaries of equitygranaries where deepest rats do most aboundwhilst the slow fire of famine shall eat the vitals of the despoiled; and it may be the man of rightful thousands shall be carried to churchyard clay in parish deals? Then in the Bench, in the Pleasthere we are too. And there, see we not justice weighing cobwebs against truth, making too often truth herself kick the beam?

UNICORN.It has made me mad to see it.

[pg 51] LION.Turn we to the Police-officesthere we are again. And theregood God!to see the arrogance of ignorance! To listen to the vapid joke of his worship on the crime of beggary! To see the punishment of the poorto mark the sweet impunity of the rich! And then are we not in the Old Baileyin all the criminal courts! Have we not seen trials after dinnerhave we not heard sentences in which the bottle spoke more than the judge?

UNICORN.Come, come, no libel on the ermine.

LION.The ermine! In such cases, the foxthe pole-cat. Have we not seen how the state makes felons, and then punishes them for evil-doing?

UNICORN.We certainly have seen a good deal that way.

LION.And then the motto we are obliged to look grave over!

UNICORN.What Dieu et mon droit! Yes, that does sometimes come awkwardly inGod and my right! Seeing what is sometimes done under our noses, now and then, I can hardly hold my countenance.

LION.God and my right! What atrocity has that legend sanctified! and yet with demure faces they try men for blasphemy. Give me the pot.

UNICORN.Come, be coolbe philosophic. I tell you we shall have as much need as ever of our stoicism?

LION.Whats the matter now?

UNICORN.The matter! Why, the Tories are to be in, and Peels to be minister.

LION.Then he may send for Mr. Cross for the oran-outan to take my place, for never again do I support him. Peel minister, and Goulburn, I suppose

UNICORN.Goulburn! Goulburn in the cabinet! If it be so, I shall certainly vacate my place in favour of a jackass.

UNIVERSITY OF LONDON. BACHELOR OF MEDICINEFIRST EXAMINATION, 1841. The first examination for the degree of bachelor of medicine has taken place at the London University, and has raised itself to the level of Oxford and Cambridge.

Without doubt, it will soon acquire all the other attributes of the colleges. Town and gown rows will cause perpetual confusion to the steady-going inhabitants of Euston-square: steeple-chases will be run, for the express delight of the members, on the waste grounds in the vicinity of the tall chimneys on the Birmingham railroad; and in all probability, the whole of Gower-street, from Bedford-square to the New- road, will, at a period not far distant, be turfed and formed into a T.Y.C.; the property securing its title-deeds under the arms of the university for the benefit of its legsthe bar opposite the hospital presenting a fine leap to finish the contest over, with the uncommon advantage of immediate medical assistance at hand.

The public press of the last week has duly blazoned forth the names of the successful candidates, and great must have been the rejoicings of their friends in the country at the event. But we have to quarrel with these journals for not more explicitly defining the questions proposed for the examinationsthe answers to which were to be considered the tests of proficiency. By means of the ubiquity which Punch is allowed to possess, we were stationed in the examination room, at the same time that our double was delighting a crowded and highly respectable audience upon Tower-hill; and we have the unbounded gratification of offering an exact copy of the questions to our readers, that they may see with delight how high a position medical knowledge has attained in our country:

SELECTIONS FROM THE EXAMINATION PAPERS. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY. State the principal variations found in the kidneys procured at Evanss and the Coal Hole; and likewise name the proportion of animal fibre in the rump-steaks of the above resorts. Mention, likewise, the change produced in the albumen, or white of an egg, by poaching it upon toast.

Describe the comparative circulation of blood in the body, and of the Lancet, Medical Gazette, and Bells Life in London, in the hospitals; and mention if Sir Charles Bell, the author of the Bridgewater Treatise on the Hand, is the editor of the last-named paper.

MEDICINE. You are called to a fellow-student taken suddenly ill. You find him lying on his back in the fender; his eyes open, his pulse full, and his breathing stertorous. His mind appears hysterically wandering, prompting various windmill-like motions of his arms, and an accompanying lyrical intimation that he, and certain imaginary friends, have no intention of going home until the appearance of day-break. State the probable disease; and also what pathological change would be likely to be effected by putting his head under the cock of the cistern.

Was the Mount Hecla at the Surrey Zoological Gardens classed by Bateman in his work upon skin diseasesif so, what kind of eruption did it come under? Where was the greatest irritation producedin the scaffold-work of the erection, or the bosom of the gentleman who lived next to the gardens, and had a private exhibition of rockets every night, as they fell through his skylight, and burst upon the stairs?

Which is the most powerful narcoticopium, henbane, or a lecture upon practice of physic; and will a moderate dose of antimonial wine sweat a man as much as an examination at Apothecaries Hall?

CHEMISTRY AND NATURAL PHILOSOPHY. Does any chemical combination take place between the porter and ale in a pot of half-and-half upon mixture? Is there a galvanic current set up between the pewter and the beer capable of destroying the equilibrium of living bodies.

Explain the philosophical meaning of the sentenceHe cut away from the crushers as quick as a flash of lightning through a gooseberry-bush.

There are two kinds of electricity, positive and negative; and these have a pugnacious tendency. A, a student, goes up to the College positive he shall pass; B, an examiner, thinks his abilities negative, and flummuxes him accordingly. A afterwards meets B alone, in a retired spot, where there is no policeman, and, to use his own expression, takes out the change upon B. In this case, which receives the greatest shockAs grinder, at hearing his pupil was plucked, or B for doing it?

The more crowded an assembly is, the greater quantity of carbonic acid is evolved by its component members. State, upon actual experience, the per centage of this gas in the atmosphere of the following places:The Concerts dEté, the Swan in Hungerford Market, the pit of the Adelphi, Hunts Billiard Rooms, and the Colosseum during the period of its balls.

A silhouette of a group of people riding in an open carriage. ANIMAL ECONOMY. Mention the most liberal pawnbrokers in the neighbourhood of Guys and Bartholomews; and state under what head of diseases you class the spring outbreak of dissecting cases and tooth-drawing instruments in their windows.

Mention the cheapest tailors in the metropolis, and especially name those who charge you three pounds for dress coats (best Saxony, any other colour than blue or black), and write down five in the bills to send to your governor. Describe the anatomical difference between a peacoat, a spencer, and a Taglioni, and also state who gave the best prish for old ones.

HARVEST PROSPECTS. Public attention being at this particular season anxiously directed to the prospects of the approaching harvest, we are enabled to lay before our readers some authentic information on the subject. Notwithstanding the fears which the late unfavourable weather induced, we have ascertained that reaping is proceeding vigorously at all the barbers establishments in the kingdom. Several extensive chins were cut on Saturday last, and the returns proved most abundant.

Sugar-barley is a comparative failure; but that description of oats, called wild oats, promises well in the neighbourhood of Oxford. Turn-ups have had a favourable season at the écarté tables of several dowagers in the West-end district. Beans are looking poorlyparticularly the have- beenswhom we meet with seedy frocks and napless hats, gliding about late in the evenings. Clover, we are informed by some luxurious old codgers, who are living in the midst of it, was never in better condition. The best description of hops, it is thought, will fetch high prices in the Haymarket. The vegetation of wheat has been considerably retarded by the cold weather. Sportsmen, however, began to shoot vigorously on the 12th of this month.

All things considered, though we cannot anticipate a rich harvest, we think that the speculators have exaggerated the

Two farmers looking very surprised--eyes wide and hair standing on end. ALARMING STATE OF THE CROPS.

[pg 52] PUNCHS RANDOM RECOLLECTIONS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS. (IN HUMBLE IMITATION OF THE AUTHOR OF THE GREAT METROPOLIS.) No. I.THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON. Before entering on this series of papers, I have only one request to make of the reader, which is this: that, however absurd or incredible my statements may appear, he will take them all for Grant-ed.

It will hardly be necessary to apologise for making the hero of Waterloo the subject of this article; for, having had always free access to the parlour of the Duke of Wellington, I flatter myself that I am peculiarly fitted for the task I have undertaken.

My acquaintance with the duke commenced in a very singular manner. During the discussions on the Reform Bill, his grace was often the object of popular pelting; and I was, on one occasion, among a crowd of free-born Englishmen who, disliking his political opinions, were exercising the constitutional privilege of hooting him. Fired by the true spirit of British patriotism, and roused to a pitch of enthusiasm by observing that the crowd were all of one opinion, decidedly against the duke, worked up, too, with momentary boldness by perceiving that there was not a policeman in sight, I seized a cabbage-leaf, with which I caught his nose, when, turning round suddenly to look whence the blow proceeded, I caught his eye. It was a single glance; but there was something in it which said more than, perhaps, if I had attempted to lead him into conversation, he would at that moment have been inclined to say to me. The recognition was brief, lasting scarcely an instant; for a policeman coming round the corner, the great constitutional party with whom I had been acting retired in haste, rather than bring on a collision with a force which was at that time particularly obnoxious to all the true friends of excessive liberty.

It will, perhaps, surprise my readers, when I inform them that this is the only personal interview I ever enjoyed with the illustrious duke; but accustomed as I am to take in character at a glance, and to form my conclusions at a wink, I gained, perhaps, as much, or more, information with regard to the illustrious hero, as I have been enabled to do with regard to many of those members of the House of Lords whom, in the course of my Random Recollections, it is my intention to treat of.

I never, positively, dined with the Duke of Wellington; but on one occasion I was very near doing so. Whether the duke himself is aware of the circumstances that prevented our meeting at the same table I never knew, and have no wish to inquire; but when his grace peruses these pages, he will perceive that our political views are not so opposite as the dastardly enemies of both would have made the world suppose them to have been. The story of the dinner is simply this:there was to be a meeting for the purpose of some charity at the Freemasons-hall, and the Duke of Wellington was to take the chair. I was offered a ticket by a friend connected with the press. My friend broke his word. I did not attend the dinner. But those virulent liars much malign me who say I stopped away because the duke was in the chair; and much more do they libel me who would hint that my absence was caused by a difference with the duke on the subject of politics. Whether Wellington observed that I did not attend I never knew, nor shall I stop to inquire; but when I say that his grace spoke several times, and never once mentioned my name, it will be seen that whatever may have been his thoughts on the occasion, he had the delicacy and good taste to make no allusion whatever to the subject, which, but for its intrinsic importance, I should not so long have dwelt upon,

Looking over some papers the other day in my drawer, with the intention of selecting any correspondence that might have passed between myself and the duke, I found that his grace had never written to me more than once; but the single communication I had received from him was so truly characteristic of the man, that I cannot refrain from giving the whole of it. Having heard it reported that the duke answered with his own hand every letter that he received, I, who generally prefer judging in all things for myself, determined to put his graces epistolary punctuality to the test of experience. With this view I took up my pen, and dashed off a few lines, in which I made no allusion, either to my first interview, or the affair of the dinner; but simply putting forward a few general observations on the state of the country, signed with my own name, and dated from Whetstone-park, which was, at that time, my residence. The following was the reply I received from the duke, which I print verbatim, as an indexshort, but comprehensive, as an index ought to beto the noble dukes character.

Apsley-house.

The Duke of Wellington begs to return the enclosed letter, as he neither knows the person who wrote it, nor the reason of sending it.

This, as I said before, is perhaps one of the most graphic traits on record of the peculiar disposition of the hero of Waterloo. It bespeaks at once the soldier and the politician. He answers the letter with military precision, but with political astutenesshe pretends to be ignorant of the object I had in sending it. His ready reply was the first impulse of the man; his crafty and guarded mode of expression was the cautious act of the minister. Had I been disposed to have written a second time to my illustrious correspondent, I now had a fine opportunity of doing so; but I preferred letting the matter drop, and from that day to this, all communication between myself and the duke has ceased. I shall not be the first to take any step for the purpose of resuming it. The duke must, by this time, know me too well to suppose that I have any desire to keep up a correspondence which could lead to no practical result, and might only tear open afresh wounds that the healing hand of time has long ago restored to their former salubrity.

It may be expected I should say a few words of the dukes person. He generally wears a frock coat, and rides frequently on horseback. His nose is slightly curved; but there is nothing peculiar in his hat or boots, the latter of which are, of course, Wellingtons. His habits are still those of a soldier, for he gets up and goes to bed again much as he was accustomed to do in the days of the Peninsula. His speeches in Parliament I have never heard; but I have read some of them in the newspapers. He is now getting old; but I cannot tell his exact age: and he has a son who, if he should survive his father, will undoubtedly attain to the title of Duke of Wellington.

EXTRAORDINARY OPERATION. Royal Dispensary for Diseases of the Ear. Our esteemed friend and staunch supporter Colonel Sibthorp has lately, in the most heroic manner, submitted to an unprecedented and wonderfully successful operation. Our gallant friend was suffering from a severe elongation of the auricular organs; amputation was proposed, and submitted to with most heroic patience. We are happy to state the only inconvenience resulting from the operation is the establishment of a new hat block, and a slight difficulty of recognition on the part of some of his oldest friends.

EXTRAORDINARY ASSIZE INTELLIGENCE. One of the morning papers gave its readers last week a piece of extraordinary assize intelligence, headedCutting a wifes throatbefore Mr. Serjeant Taddy We advise the learned Serjeant to look to this: tis a too serious joke to be set down as an accessary to the cutting of a wifes throat.

A SPOKE IN SYS WHEEL! For Irelands weal! hear turncoat Sy rave,

Whod trust the wheel that ownd so sad a knave?

ALARMING DESTITUTION. In the parish of Llanelly, Breconshire, the males exceed the females by more than one thousand. At Worcester, says the Examiner, the same majority is in favour of the ladies. We should propose a conference and a general swap of the sexes next market-day, as we understand there is not a window in Worcester without a notice of Lodgings to let for single men, whilst at Llanelly the gentlemen declare sweethearts cant be had for love nor money.

A NATURAL INFERENCE. Therell soon be rare work (cry the journals in fear),

When Peel is calld in in his regular way;

Truefor when weve to pay all the Tories, tis clear,

It is much the same thing as the devil to pay.

THE TORY TABLE DHOTEBILLY HOLMES (loquitur) Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen, feeding is going to commence Wellington and Peel are now giving their opening dinners to their friends and admirers. All who want places must come early. Walk up! walk up!This is the real constitutional tavern. Here we are! gratis feeding for the greedy! Make way there for those hungry-looking gentlemenwalk up, sirleave your vote at the bar, and take a ticket for your hat.

BLACK AND WHITE. The Tories vow the Whigs are black as night,

And boast that they are only blessed with light.

Peels politics to both sides so incline,

His may be called the equinoctial line.

THE LEGAL ECCALOBEION. Baron Campbell, who has sat altogether about 20 hours in the Irish Court of Chancery, will receive 4,000l. a-year, on the death of either Lord Manners or Lord Plunkett, (both octogenarians;) which, says the Dublin Monitor, taking the average of human life, he will enjoy thirty years; and adds, 20 hours contain 1,200 minutes; and 4,000l. a-year for thirty years gives 120,000l. So that he will receive for the term of his natural life just one hundred pounds for every minute that he sat as Lord Chancellor. Pleasant incubation this! Sitting 20 hours, and hatching a fortune. If there be any truth in metempsychosis, Jocky Campbell must be the goose that laid golden eggs.

IRISH PARTICULAR. SHEILS oratorys like bottled Dublin stout;

For, draw the cork, and only froth comes out.

CALUMNY REFUTED. We can state on the most positive authority that the recent fire at the Army and Navy Club did not originate from a spark of Colonel Sibthorps wit falling amongst some loose jokes which Captain Marryatt had been scribbling on the backs of some unedited pursers bills.

HITTING THE RIGHT NAIL ON THE HEAD. The Whigs resemble nailsHow so, my master?

Because, like nails, when beat they hold the faster.

A MATTER OF TASTE. Do you admire Campbells Pleasures of Hope? said Croker to Hook. Which do you mean, the Scotch poets or the Irish Chancellors? the real or the idealTommys four thousand lines or Jockys four thousand pounds a-year? inquired Theodore. Croker has been in a brown study ever since.

[pg 53] CHARLES KEANS CHEEK. MR. PUNCH,Myself and a few other old Etonians have read with inexpressible scorn, disgust, and indignation, the heartless and malignant attempts, in your scoundrel journal, to blast the full-blown fame of that most transcendant actor, and most unexceptionable son, Mr. Charles Kean. Now, PUNCH, fair play is beyond any of the crown jewels. I will advance only one proof, amongst a thousand others that cart-horses shant draw from me, to show that Charles Kean makes moremind, I say, makes moreof Shakspere, than every other actor living or dead. Last night I went to the HaymarketLady Georgiana L and other fine girls were of the party. The play was Romeo and Juliet, and there are in that tragedy two slap-up lines; they are, to the best of my recollection, as follow:

Oh! that I were a glove upon that hand,

That I might touch that cheek.

Now, ninety-nine actors out of a hundred make nothing of thisnot so Charles Kean. Heres my proof. Feeling devilish hungry, I thought Id step out for a snack, and left the box, just as Charles Kean, my old schoolfellow, was beginning

Oh!

Well, I crossed the way, stepped into Dubourgs, swallowed two dozen oysters, took a bottom of brandy, and booked a small bet with Jack Spavin for the St. Leger, returned to the theatre, and was comfortably seated in my box, as Charles Kean, my old school-fellow, had arrived at

cheek!

Now, PUNCH, if this isnt making much of Shakspere, what is?

Yours (you scoundrel), ETONIAN.

AN AN-TEA ANACREONTICNo. 4. The following ode is somewhat freely translated from the original of a Chinese emigrant named CA-TA-NA-CH, or the illustrious minstrel.

We have given a short specimen of the original, merely substituting the Roman for the Chinese characters.

ORIGINAL. As-ye-Te-i-anp-o-et-sli-re

Y-oun-g-li-ae-us-di-din-spi-re

Wen-ye-ba-r-da-wo-Ke-i-sla-is

Lo-ve-et-wi-nea-li-ket-op-ra-is

So-i-lus-tri-ou-spi-din-th-o-u

In-s-pi-re-thi-Te-ur-nv-ot-a-rin-ow

&c. &c.

TRANSLATION. As the Teian poets lyre

Young Lyæus did inspire;

When the bard awoke his lays,

Love and wine alike to praise.

So, illustrious Pidding, thou

Inspire thy tea-urn votary now,

Whilst the tea-pot circles round

Whilst the toast is being brownd

Let me, ere I quaff my tea,

Sing a paean unto thee,

IO PIDDING! who foretold,

Chinamen would keep their gold;

Who foresaw our ships would be

Homeward bound, yet wanting tea;

Who, to cheer the mourning land,

Said, Ive Howqua still on hand!

Who, my Pidding, who but thee?

Io Pidding! Evoe!

THE STATE DOCTOR. A BIT OF A FARCE. Dramatis Personæ. RHUBARB PILL (a travelling doctor), by SIR ROBERT PEEL. BALAAM (his Man), by COLONEL SIBTHORP. COUNTRYMAN, by MR. BULL. SCENE. Tamworth.

The Doctor and his Man are discovered in a large waggon, surrounded by a crowd of people.

RHUBARB PILL.Balaam, blow the trumpet.

BALAAM (blows).Too-too-tooit! Silence for the doctor!

RHUBARB PILL.Now, friends and neighbours, nows your time for getting rid of all your complaints, whether of the pocket or the person, for I, Rhubarb Pill, professor of sophistry and doctorer of laws, have now come amongst you with my old and infallible remedies and restoratives, which, although they have not already worked wonders, I promise shall do so, and render the constitution sound and vigorous, however it may have been injured by poor-law-bill-ious pills, cheap bread, and black sugar, prescribed by wooden-headed quacks. (Aside.) Balaam, blow the trumpet.

BALAAM (blows).Too-too-tooit! Hurrah for the doctor!

RHUBARB PILL.These infallible remedies have been in my possession since the years 1835 and 1837, but owing to the opposition of the Cabinet of Physicians, I have not been able to use them for the benefit of the publicand myself. (Bows.) These invaluable remedies

COUNTRYMAN.What be they?

RHUBARB PILL.Thats not a fair questionwait till Im regularly called in11. Sir Robert Peel at Tamworth.. Its not that I care about the feemine is a liberal profession, and though I have a large family, and as many relations as most people, I really think I should refuse a guinea if it was offered to me.

COUNTRYMAN.Then why doantee tell us?

RHUBARB PILL.Its not professional. Besides, its quite requisite that I should feel the patients pulse, or I might make the dose too powerful, and so

COUNTRYMAN.Get the sack, Mr. Doctor.

RHUBARB PILL (aside).Blow the trumpet, Balaam.

BALAAM.Too-too-tooittooit-too-too!

RHUBARB PILL.And so do more harm than good. Besides, I should require to have the necessary consultations over the dinner-table. Diet does a great dealnot that I care about the loaves and fishesbut patients are always more tractable after a good dinner. Now theres an old lady in these parts

COUNTRYMAN.What, my old missus?

RHUBARB PILL.The same. Shes in a desperate way.

COUNTRYMAN.Ees. Dr. Russell says its all owing to your nasty nosdrums.

RHUBARB PILL.Doctor Russells anever mind. I say she is very bad, and I AM the only man that can cure her.

COUNTRYMANThen out wiit, doctorwhat will?

RHUBARB PILL.Wait till Im regularly called in.

COUNTRYMAN.But suppose she dies in the meantime?

RHUBARB PILL.Thats her fault. I wont do anything by proxy. I must direct my own administration, appoint my own nurses for the bed-chamber, have my own herbalists and assistants, and see Doctor Russells purge thrown out of the window. In short, I must be regularly called in. Balaam, blow the trumpet.

[Balaam blows the trumpet, the crowd shout, and the Doctor bows gracefully, with one hand on his heart and the other in his breeches pocket. At the end of the applause he commences singing].

I am called Doctor Pill, the political quack,

And a quack of considerable standing and note;

Ive clappd many a blister on many a back,

And crammd many a bolus down many a throat,

I have always stuck close, like the rest of my tribe,

And physickd my patient as long as hed pay;

And I say, when Im askd to advise or prescribe,

You must wait till Im calld in a regular way.

Old England has grown rather sickly of late,

For Russells reduced her almost to a shade;

And Ive honestly told him, for nights in debate,

Hes a quack that should never have followd the trade.

And, Lord! how he fumes, and exultingly cries,

Were you in my place, Pill, pray what would you say?

But I only reply, If I am to advise,

I shall wait till Im calld in a regular way.

Its rather too bad, if an ignorant elf,

Who has caught a rich patient twere madness to kill,

Should have all the credit, and pocket the pelf,

Whilst you are requested to furnish the skill.

No! no! amor patriæs a phrase I admire,

But I own to an amor that stands in its way;

And if England should eer my assistance require,

She must

A man thumbs his nose at another man who is pointing towards a building on fire. WAIT TILL IM CALLD IN A REGULAR WAY.

ON DITS OF THE CLUBS. Peter Borthwich has expressed his determinationnot to accept of the speakership of the House of Commons.

C.M. Westmacott has announced his intention of not joining the new administration; in consequence of which serious defection, he asserts that Sir Robert Peel will be unable to form a cabinet.

You have heard, said his Grace of Buckingham, to Lord Abinger, a few evenings ago, how scandalously Peel and his crew have treated methey have actually thrown me overboard. A man of my weight, too! That was the very objection, my Lord, replied the rubicund functionary. Their rotten craft could not carry a statesman of your ponderous abilities. Your dead weight would have brought them to the bottom in five minutes.

[pg 54] THE REJECTED ADDRESS OF THE MELANCHOLY WHIGS. Alas! that poor old Whiggery should have been so silly as to go a-wooing. Infirm and tottering as he is, it was the height of insanity. Down he dropped on his bended knees before the object of his love; out he poured his touching addresses, lisped in the blandest, most persuasive tones; and what was his answer? Scoffs, laughs, kicks, rejection! Even Johnny Russells muse availed not, though it deserved a better fate. It gained him a wife, but could not win the electors. Our readers will discover the genius of the witty author of Don Carlos in the address, which, though rejected, we in pity immortalise in PUNCH.

Loved friendskind electors, once more we are here

To beg your sweet voicesto tell you our deeds.

Though our Budget is empty, weve gotnever fear

A long full privy purse, to stand bribing and feeds.

For, oh! we are out-and-out Whigsthorough Whigs!

Then, shout till your throttles, good people, ye crack;

Hurrah! for the troop of sublime Thimble-rigs!

Hurrah! for the jolly old Downing-street pack.

What weve done, and will do for you, haply youll ask:

All, all, gentle folks, you shall presently see.

Off your sugar well take just one penny a cask!

Only adding a shilling a pound on your tea.

Thats the style for your Whigsyour reforming old Whigs!

Then, shout, &c.

Off your broadthink of this!we will take(if we can)

A whole farthing a loaf; then, when wages decline,

By one-halfas they mustand youre starving, each man

In our New Poor Law Bastiles may go lodge, and go dine.

Thats the plan of your Whigsyour kind-hearted, true Whigs!

Then, shout, &c.

Off the fine Memel timber, wed takeif we could

All tax, cause tis used in the palace and hall;

On the cottagers, tradesmans coarse Canada wood,

We will clap such a tax as shall pay us for all.

Thats the dodge for your Whigsyour poor-loving, true Whigs!

Then, shout, &c.

To free our dear brothers, the niggers, you know

Twenty millions and more we have fixd on your backs.

Twas gammontwas humbugtwas swindle! for, lo!

We undo all weve donewe go trade in the blacks.

Your humanity Whigs!anti-slavery Whigs!

Then, shout, &c.

When to Office we came, full two millions in store

We found safe and snug. Now, that surplus instead,

Besides having spent it, and six millions more,

Lo! were short, on the year, only two millions dead.

Thats the go for your Whigsyour retrenching old Whigs

Then, shout, &c.

In a word, round the throne weve stuck sisters and wives,

Our brothers and cousins fill bench, church, and steeple;

Assist us to stick in, at least for our lives,

And nicely well sarve out Queen, Lords, ay, and People.

Thats the fun for your Whigsyour bed-chamber old Whigs!

Shout, shout, &c.

What was the reply to this pathetic, this generous appeal? Name it not at Woburn-abbeywhisper it not at Panshangerbreathe it not in the epicurean retreat of Brocket-hall! Tears, big tears, roll down our sympathetic checks as we write it. It was simplyCock-a-doodle-do!

LORD JOHNNY LICKING THE BIRSE. Lord John Russell, on his arrival with his bride at Selkirk the other day, was invested with the burghship of that ancient town. In this ceremony, licking the birse, that is, dipping a bunch of shoemakers bristles in a glass of wine and drawing them across the mouth, was performed with all due solemnity by his lordship. The circumstance has given rise to the following jeu desprit, which the author, Young Ben DIsraeli, has kindly dropped into PUNCHS mouth:

Lord Johnny, that comical dog,

At trifles in politics whistles;

In London he went the whole hog,

At Selkirk hes going the bristles.

Why are Sir Robert Peel and Sir James Graham like two persons with only one intellect?Because there is an understanding between them.

Why is Sir Robert Peel like a confounded and detected malefactor?Because he has nothing at all to say for himself.

A QUERY. The Salisbury Herald says, that Sir John Pollen stated, in reference to his defeat at the Andover election, that from the bribery and corruption resorted to for that purpose, they (the electors) would have returned a jackass to parliament. Indeed! How is it that he tried and failed?

LORD HOWICK, it is said, has gone abroad for the benefit of his health; he feels that he has not been properly treated at home.

NURSERY EDUCATION REPORT. As much anxiety necessarily exists for the future well-being of our beloved infant Princess, we have determined to take upon ourselves the onerous duties of her education. In accordance with the taste of her Royal mother for that soft language which

sounds as if it should be writ on satin,

we have commenced by translating the old nursery song of Ride a cock- horse into most choice Italian, and have had it set to music by Rossini; who, we are happy to state, has performed his task entirely to the satisfaction of Mrs. Ratsey, the nurse of her Royal Highness; a lady equally anxious with ourselves to instil into the infant mind an utter contempt for everything English, except those effigies of her illustrious mother which emanate from the Mint. The original of this exquisite and simple ballad is too well known to need a transcript; the Italian version, we doubt not, will become equally popular with aristocratic mamas and fashionable nurses.

SU GALLO-CABALLO, AN ITALIAN CAVATINA, SUNG WITH UNBOUNDED APPLAUSE BY MRS. RATSEY, AT THE PRIVATE CONCERTS OF THE INFANT PRINCESS. TO WHOM IT IS DEDICATED BY HER ROYAL HIGHNESSS ESPECIAL PERMISSION. Several lines of music, with many trills and fancy notes. The text reads:Su gàl - lo ca - vàl - - - lo A / Ban - bu - ri crò - ce, An - dia - mo a / mi-rar La - - vec chia - a trot - tar. / Ai dìta ha gli anelli Ai piè i campanelli, E musica avra Do- / vùnque sen va - - - - - - - -INJURED INNOCENCE. We have seen, with deep regret, a paragraph going the round of the papers headed, THE LADY THIEF AT LINCOLN, as if a lady could commit larceny! Her disorder, says the newspapers, is ascribed to a morbid or irrrepressible propensity, or monomania; in proof of which we beg to subjoin the following prescriptions of her family physician, which have been politely forwarded to us.

FOR A JEWELLERY AFFECTION. R. Spoonssilv. vi Ringspearls ii Dittodiamond j Broochesemer. et turq. ii Combstortois. et dia. ii Fiat sumendum bis hodie cum magno reticulo aut muffo, J.K.

FOR A DETERMINATION OF HABERDASHERY TO THE HANDS. R. Ballsworsted xxiv veils { Chantilly } j Mec. et Bruss. HoseChi. rib. et cot. tops cum toe vj prs. Ribbonssat. gau. et sarse. (pieces) iv Fiat sumendum cum cloko capace pocteque maneque. J.K.

[pg 55] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. V. A gentleman taking snuff from a box marked 'Treasury', surrounded by pamphlets and books, one of which says 'Natural History of the Sponge by Lord Melb' THE LAST PINCH.

[pg 57] PUBLIC AFFAIRS ON PHRENOLOGICAL PRINCIPLES. Mr. Combe, the great phrenologist, or, as some call him, Mr. Combperhaps on account of his being so busy about the headhas given it as his opinion, that in less than a hundred years public affairs will be (in America at least) carried on by the rules of phrenology. By postponing the proof of his assertion for a century, he seems determined that no one shall ever give him the lie while living, and when dead it will, of course, be of no consequence. We are inclined to think there may be some truth in the anticipation, and we therefore throw out a few hints as to how the science ought to be applied, if posterity should ever agree on making practical use of it. Ministers of state must undoubtedly be chosen according to their bumps, and of course, therefore, no chancellor or any other legal functionary will be selected who has the smallest symptom of the bump of benevolence. The judges must possess causality in a very high degree; and time, which gives rise to the perception of duration (which they could apply to Chancery suits), would be a great qualification for a Master of the Rolls or a Vice-chancellor. The framers of royal speeches should be picked out from the number of those who have the largest bumps of secretiveness; and those possessing inhabitiveness, producing the desire of permanence in place, should be shunned as much as possible. No bishop should be appointed whose bump of veneration would not require him to wear a hat constructed like that of PUNCH, to allow his organ full play; and the development of number, if large, might ensure a Chancellor of the Exchequer whose calculations could at least be relied upon.

Our great objection to the plan is thisthat it might be abused by parties bumping their own heads, and raising tumours for the sake of obtaining credit for different qualities. Thus a terrific crack at the back of the ear might produce so great an elevation of the organ of combativeness as might obtain for the greatest coward a reputation for the greatest courage; and a thundering rap on the centre of the head might raise on the skull of the veriest brute a bump of, and name for, benevolence.

IT WAS BEFORE I MARRIED. A BENEDICTINE LYRIC. Well, come my dear, I will confess

(Though really you too hard are)

So dry these tears and smooth each tress

Let Betty search the larder;

Then oer a chop and genial glass,

Though I so late have tarried,

I will recount what came to pass

I the days before I married.

Then, every place where fashion hies,

Wealth, health, and youth to squander,

I soughtshot folly as it flies,

Till I could shoot no longer.

Still at the opera, playhouse, clubs,

Till midnights hour I tarried;

Mixed in each scene that fashion dubs

The Cheesebefore I married.

Soon grown familiar with the town,

Through Pleasures haze I hurried;

(Dont feel alarmedsuppress that frown

Another glassyoure flurried)

Subscribed to Crockfords, betted high

Such specs too oft miscarried;

My purse was full (nay, check that sigh)

It was before I married.

At Ascot I was quite the thing,

Where all admired my tandem;

I sparkled in the stand and ring,

Talked, betted (though at random);

At Epsom, and at Goodwood too,

I flying colours carried.

Flatterers and followers not a few

Were minebefore I married.

My cash I lent to every one,

And gay crowds thronged around me;

My credit, when my cash was gone,

Till bills and bailiffs bound me.

With honeyed promises so sweet,

Each friend his object carried,

Till I was marshalled to the Fleet;

Buttwas before I married.

Then sober thoughts of wedlock came,

Suggested by the papers;

The Sunday Times soon raised a flame,

The Post cured all my vapours;

And spite of what Romance may say

Gainst courtship so on carried,

Thanks to the fates and fair Z.A.

I now am blest andmarried.

JOCKY JASON. Jockey Campbell, who has secured 4,000l. a-year by crossing the water and occupying for 20 hours the Irish Woolsack, strongly reminds us of Jasons Argonautic expedition, after the golden fleece.

NEW CODE OF SIGNALS. The immense importance of the signals now used in the royal navy, by facilitating the communication between ships at sea; has suggested to an ingenious member of the Scientific Association, the introduction of a telegraphic code of signals to be employed in society generally, where the viva voce mode of communication might be either inconvenient or embarrassing. The inventor has specially devoted his attention to the topics peculiarly interesting to both sexes, and proposes by his system to remove all those impediments to a free and unreserved interchange of sentiment between a lady and gentleman, which feminine timidity on the one sidenatural gaucherie on the otherdread of committing ones self, or fear of transgressing the rules of good breeding, now throw in the way of many well-disposed young persons. He explains his system, by supposing that an unmarried lady and gentleman meet for the first time at a public ball: he is enchanted with the sylph-like grace of the lady in a waltzshe, fascinated with the superb black moustaches of the gentleman. Mutual interest is created in their bosoms, and the gentleman signalizes:

Do you perceive how much I am struck by your beauty?by twisting the tip of his right moustache with the finger and thumb of the corresponding hand. If the gentleman be unprovided with these foreign appendages, the right ear must be substituted.

The lady replies by an affirmative signal, or the contrary:e.g. Yes, the lady arranges her bouquet with the left hand. No, a similar operation with the right hand. Assuming the answer to have been favourable, the gentleman, by slowly throwing back his head, and gently drawing up his stock with the left hand, signals

How do you like this style of person?

The lady must instantly lower her eyelids, and appear to count the sticks of her fan, which will expressImmensely.

The gentleman then thrusts the thumb of his left-hand into the arm-hole of his waistcoat, taps three times carelessly with his fingers upon his chest. By this signal he means to say

How is your little heart?

The lady plucks a leaf out of her bouquet, and flings it playfully over her left shoulder, meaning thereby to intimate that her vital organ is as free as that.

The gentleman, encouraged by the last signal, clasps his hands, and by placing both his thumbs together, protests that Heaven has formed them for each other.

Whereupon the lady must, unhesitatingly, touch the fourth finger of her left hand with the index finger of the right; by which emphatic signal she means to sayNo nonsense, though?

The gentleman instantly repels the idea, by expanding the palms of both hands, and elevating his eyebrows. This is the point at which he should make the most important signal in the code. It is done by inserting the finger and thumb of the right hand into the waistcoat pocket, and expresses, What metal do you carry? or, more popularly, What is the amount of your bankers account?

The lady replies by tapping her fan on the back of her left hand; one distinct tap for every thousand pounds she possesses. If the number of taps be satisfactory to the gentleman, he must, by a deep inspiration, inflate his lungs so as to cause a visible heaving of his chest, and then, fixing his eyes upon the chandelier, slap his forehead with an expression of suicidal determination. This is a very difficult signal, which will require some practice to execute properly. It means

Pity my sad state! If you refuse to love me, Ill blow my miserable brains out. The lady may, by shaking her head incredulously, express a reasonable doubt that the gentleman possesses any brains.

After a few more preliminary signals, the lover comes to the point by dropping his gloves on the floor, thereby beseeching the lady to allow him to offer her his hand and fortune.

To which she, by letting fall her handkerchief, replies

Ask papa and mamma.

This is only an imperfect outline of the code which the inventor asserts may be introduced with wonderful advantage in the streets, the theatres, at churches, and dissenting chapels; and, in short, everywhere that the language of the lips cannot be used.

LABOURS OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE. A day on the water, by way of excursion,

A night at the play-house, by way of diversion,

A morning assemblage of elegant ladies,

A chemical lecture on lemon and kalis,

A magnificent dinnerthe venison so tender

Lots of wine, broken glassesthats all I remember.

FITZROY FIPPS, F.R.G.S., MEM. ASS. ADVT. SCIENCE, F.A.S. Plymouth, August 5.

A GOOD REASON. We have much pleasure in announcing to the liverymen and our fellow-citizens, the important fact, that for the future, the lord mayors day will be the fifth instead of the ninth of November. The reason for this change is extremely obvious, as that is the principal day of the Guy season.

The members of the Carlton Club have been taking lessons in bell- ringing. They can already perform some pleasing changes. Colonel Sibthorpe is quite au fait at a Bob major, and Horace Twiss hopes, by ringing a Peal, to be appointed collector of tollsat Waterloo Bridge.

We recommend Lord Cardigan to follow the example of the officers of Ghent, who have introduced umbrellas into the army, even on parade. Some men should gladly avail themselves of any opportunity of hiding their heads.

[pg 58] PUNCH holds a copy of PUNCH PUNCHS INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.No. 2. THE THERMOMETER. General Description.The thermometer is an instrument for showing the temperature; for by it we can either see how fast a mans blood boils when he is in a passion, or, according as the seasons have occurred this year, how cold it is in summer, and how hot in winter. It is mostly cased in tin, all the brass being used up by certain lecturers, who are faced with the latter metal. It has also a glass tube, with a bulb at the end, exactly like a tobacco-pipe, with the bowl closed up; except that, instead of tobacco, they put mercury into it. As the heat increases, the mercury expands, precisely as the smoke would in a pipe, if it were confined to the tube. A register is placed behind the tube, crossed by a series of horizontal lines, the whole resembling a wooden milk-score when the customer is several weeks in arrear.

Derivation of Name.The thermometer derives its name from two Greek words, signifying measure of heat; a designation which has caused much warm discussion, for the instrument is also employed to tell when it freezes, by those persons who are too scientific to find out by the tips of their fingers and the blueness of their noses.

History and Literature of the Thermometer.The origin of the instrument is involved in a depth of obscurity considerably below zero; Pliny mentions its use by a celebrated brewer of Botia; we have succeeded, after several years painful research, in tracing the invention of the instrument to Mercury, who, being the god of thieves, very likely stole it from somebody else. Of ancient writers, there are few except Hannibal (who used it on crossing the Alps) and Julius Cæsar, that notice it. Bacon treats of the instrument in his Novum Organum; from which Newton cabbaged his ideas in his Principia, in the most unprincipled manner. The thermometer remained stationary till the time of Robinson Crusoe, who clearly suggested, if he did not invent the register, now universally adopted, which so nearly resembles his mode of measuring time by means of notched sticks. Fahrenheit next took it in hand, and because his calculations were founded on a mistake, his scale is always adopted in England. Raumur altered the system, and instead of giving the thermometer mercury, administered to it cold without, or spirits of wine diluted with water. Celsius followed, and advised a medium fluid, so that his thermometer is known as the centigrade. De Lisle made such important improvements, that they have never been attended to; and Mr. Sexs differential thermometer has given rise to considerably more than a half-dozen different opinions. All these persons have written learnedly on the subject, blowing respectively hot or cold, as their tastes vary. The most recent work is that by Professor Thompsona splendid octavo, hot-pressed, and just warm from the printers. Though this writer disagrees with Raumurs temperance principles, and uses the strongest spirit he can get, instead of mercury, we are assured that he is no relation whatever to Messrs. Thompson and Fearon of Holborn-hill.

Concluding Remarks and Description of Punchs Thermometer.It must be candidly acknowledged by every unprejudiced mind, that the thermometer question has been most shamefully handled by the scientific world. It is made an exclusive matter; they keep it all to themselves; they talk about Fahrenheit with the utmost coolness; of Raumur in un- understandable jargon, and fire whole volleys of words concerning the centigrade scale, till ones head spins round with their inexplicable dissertations. What is the use of these interminable technicalities to the world at large? Do they enlighten the rheumatic as to how many coats they may put on, for the Midsummer days of this variable climate? Do their barometers tell us when to take an umbrella, or when to leave it at home? No. Who, we further ask, knows how hot it is when the mercury stands at 120°, or how cold it is when opposite 32° of Fahrenheit? Only the initiated, a class of persons that can generally stand fire like salamanders, or make themselves comfortable in an ice-house.

Deeply impressed with the importance of the subject, PUNCH has invented a new thermometer, which may be understood by the people whom he addressesthe unlearned in caloricthe ignorant of the principles of expansion and dilatation. Everybody can tell, without a thermometer, if it be a coat colder or a cotton waistcoat warmer than usual when he is out. But at home! Ah, theres the rub! There it has been impossible to ascertain how to face the storm, or to turn ones back upon the sunshine, till to-day. PUNCHS thermometer decides the question, and here we give a diagram of it. Owing a stern and solemn duty to the public, PUNCH has indignantly spurned the offers of the British Association to join in their mummeries at Plymouthto appear at their dinners for the debasement of science. No; here in his own pages, and in them only, doth he propound his invention. But he is not exclusive; having published his wonderful invention, he invites the makers to copy his plan. Mr. Murphy is already busily arranging his Almanac for 1842, by means of a PUNCH thermometer, made by Carey and Co.

PUNCHS THERMOMETER. THE SCALE ARRANGED ACCORDING TO FAHRENHEIT. Iced bath 110 Cold bath 98 Blood heat. Coat Off 90 Stock loosened 88 Cuffs turned up 85 One waistcoat 80 Morning coat all day 75 One Coat 65 Summer heat. Spencer 55 Temperate. Ditto, and Comfortable 52 GREAT COAT 50 Ditto, and Macintosh 45 Ditto, ditto, and worsted stockings 43 Ditto, ditto, ditto, and double boxcoat and Guernseys 35 Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, and bear-skin coat 32 Freezing. Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto and between two feather beds all day 0 Zero. THE SPEAKERSHIP. The Parliamentary lucus a non lucendothe Speaker who never speaksthe gentleman who always holds his own tongue, except when he wants others to hold theirsthe man who fills the chair, which is about three times too big for himis not, after all, to be changed. But the incoming tenants of office have resolved to take him as a fixture, though not at a fair valuation; for they do nothing but find fault all the time they are agreeing to let him remain on the premises. For our own part, we see no objection to the arrangement; for Mr. Lefevre, we believe, shakes his head as slowly and majestically as his predecessors, and rattles his teeth over the r in oR-der, with as much dignity as Sutton, who was the very perfection of Manners, was accustomed to throw into it. The fatigues of the office are enough to kill a horse, but asses are not easily exterminated. It is thought that Lefevre has not been sufficiently worked, and before giving him a pension, the receiver must, as the chemist say, be quite exhausted. Tiring him out will not be enough; but he must be tired again, to entitled him to a re-tiring allowance.

AN INQUIRY FROM DEAF BURKE, ESQ. DEER SIR,As I taks in your PUNCH (bein in the line meself, mind yes), will you tell me wot is the meeinigs of beein konvelessent. A chap kalled me that name the other days, and I sined him as I does this.

Yours truly, DEAF BURKE

A man with a very bad black eye. HIS MARK.

THE MANSION-HOUSE PARROT. There is something very amusing in witnessing the manner in which the little Jacks in office imitate the great ones. Sir Peter Laurie has been doing the ludicrous by imitating his political idol, Sir Robert. I shant prescribe till I am state-doctor, says the baronet. I shant decide; wait for the Lord Mayor, echoes the knight.

[pg 59] MATRIMONIAL AGENCY. Lord John Russell begs respectfully to inform the connubially-disposed portion of the community, that being about to retire from the establishment in Downing-street, of which he has so long been a member, he has resolved (at the suggestion of several single ladies about thirty, and of numerous juvenile gentlemen who have just attained their majority a second time) to open a

MATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE, where (from his long and successful experience) he trusts to be honoured by the confidence of the single, and the generous acknowledgments of the married.

Lord J.R. intends to transact business upon the most liberal scale, and instead of charging a per centage on the amount of property concerned in each union, he will take every lady and gentlemans valuation of themselves, and consider one thousandth part thereof as an adequate compensation for his services.