Chapter XXVIII: Book I: —DEFINITIONS. A point in politics is that which always has place (5)

SAVORY CON. BY COX. Why is it impossible for a watch that indicates the smaller divisions of time ever to be new?Because it must always be a second-hand one.

[pg 179] PUNCHS INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.No. V. NATURAL HISTORY (Continued). THE OPERA-DANCER (H. capernicusCERITOE). So decidedly does this animal belong to the Bimana order of beings, that to his two legs he is indebted for existence. Most of his fellow bipeds live by the work of their hands, except indeed the feathered and tailor tribes, who live by their bills; but from his thighs, calves, ancles, and toes, does the opera-dancer derive subsistence for the less important portions of his anatomy.

Physiology.The body, face, and arms of the opera-dancer present no peculiarities above the rest of his species; and it is to his lower extremities alone that we must look for distinguishing features. As our researches extend downwards from head to foot, the first thing that strikes us is a protuberance of the ante-occipital membranes, so great as to present a back view that describes two sides of a scalene triangle, the apex of which projects posteriorly nearly half way down the figure. That a due equilibrium may be preserved in this difficult position (technically called the first), the toes are turned out so as to form a right angle with the lower leg. Thus, in walking, this curious being presents a mass of animated straight lines that have an equal variety of inclination to a bundle of rods carelessly tied up, or to Signor Paganini when afflicted with the lumbago.

Habits.The habits of the opera-dancer vary according as we see him in public or in private life. On the stage he is all spangles and activity; off the stage, seediness and decrepitude are his chief characteristics. It is usual for him to enter upon his public career with a tremendous bound and a hat and feathers. After standing upon one toe, he raises its fellow up to a line with his nose, and turns round until the applause comes, even if that be delayed for several minutes. He then cuts six, and shuffles up to a female of his species, who being his sweetheart (in the ballet), has been looking savage envy at him and spiteful indignation at the audience on account of the applause, which ought to have been reserved for her own caperingto come. When it does, she throws up her arms and steps upon tiptoe about three paces, looking exactly like a crane with a sore heel. Making her legs into a pair of compasses, she describes a circle in the air with one great toe upon a pivot formed with the other; then bending down so that her very short petticoat makes a cheese upon the ground, spreads out both arms to the roués in the stalls, who understand the signal, and cry Brava! brava!! Rising, she turns her back to display her gauze jupe élastique, which is always exceedingly bouffante: expectorating upon the stage as she retires. She thus makes way for her lover, who, being her professional rival, she invariably detests.

It is singular that in private life the habits of the animal differ most materially according to its sex. The male sometimes keeps an academy and a kit fiddle, but the domestic relations of the female remain a profound mystery; and although Professors Tom Duncombe, Count DOrsay, Chesterfield, and several other eminent Italian-operatic natural historians, have spent immense fortunes in an ardent pursuit of knowledge in this branch of science, they have as yet afforded the world but a small modicum of information. Perhaps what they have learned is not of a nature to be made public.

Moral Characteristics.None.

Reproduction.The offspring of opera-dancers are not, as is sometimes supposed, born with wings; the truth is that these cherubim are frequently attached by their backs to copper wires, and made to represent flying angels in fairy dramas; and those appendages, so far from being natural, are supplied by the property-man, together with the wreaths of artificial flowers which each Liliputian divinity upholds.

Sustenance.All opera-dancers are decidedly omnivorous. Their appetite is immense; quantity and (for most of them come from France), not quality, is what they chiefly desire. When not dining at their own expense, they eat all they can, and pocket the rest. Indeed, a celebrated sylphideunsurpassed for the graceful airiness of her evolutionshas been known to make the sunflower in the last scene bend with the additional weight of a roast pig, an apple pie, and sixteen omelettes souffléesdrink, including porter, in proportion. Various philosophers have endeavoured to account for this extraordinary digestive capacity; but some of their arguments are unworthy of the science they otherwise adorn. For example, it has been said that the great exertions to which the dancer is subject demand a corresponding amount of nutriment, and that the copious transudation superinduced thereby requires proportionate supplies of suction; while, in point of fact, if such theorists had studied their subject a little closer, they would have found these unbounded appetites accounted for upon the most simple and conclusive ground: it is clear that, as most opera-dancers lives are passed in a pirouette, they must naturally have enormous twists!

The geographical distribution of opera-dancers is extremely well defined, as their names implies; for they most do congregate wherever an opera-house exists. Some, however, descend to the non-lyric drama, and condescend to illustrate the plays of Shakespeare. It is said that the classical manager of Drury Lane Theatre has secured a company of them to help the singers he has engaged to perform Richard the Third, Coriolanus, and other historical plays.

Why has a clock always a bashful appearance?Because it always keeps its hands before its face.

KIDNAPPING EXTRAORDINARY. The Chronicle has been making a desperate attempt to come out in Punchs line; he has absolutely been trying the Too-too-tooittooit; but has made a most melancholy failure of it. We could forgive him his efforts to be facetious (though we doubt that his readers will) if he had not kidnapped three of our own particular petsthe very men who lived and grew in the worlds estimation on our wits; we mean Peter Borthwick, Ben DIsraeli, and our own immortal Sibthorp. Of poor Sib. the joker of the Chronicle says in last Tuesdays paper

We regret to hear that Col. Sibthorp has suffered severely by cutting himself in the act of shaving. His friends, however, will rejoice to learn that his whiskers have escaped, and that he himself is going on favourably.

We spent an entire night in endeavouring to discover where the wit lay in this cutting paragraph; but were obliged at last to give it up, convinced that we might as well have made

A tailor measures a very tall man. AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER THE LONGITUDE.

SONGS OF THE SEEDY.No. V. What am I? Mary, wherefore seek to know?

For mysterys the very soul of love.

Enough, that wedding thee Im not below,

Enough, that wooing thee Im not above.

You smile, dear girl, and look into my face

As if youd read my history in my eye.

Im not, sweet maid, a footman out of place,

For that position would, I own, be shy.

What am I then, you ask? Alas! tis clear,

You love not me, but what I have a year.

What am I, Mary! Well, then, must I tell,

And all my stern realities reveal?

Come close then to me, dearest, listen well,

While what I am no longer I conceal.

I serve my fellow-men, a glorious right;

Thanks for that smile, dear maid, I know tis due.

Yes, many have I served by day and night;

With me to aid them, none need vainly sue.

Nay, do not praise me, love, but nearer come,

That I may whisper, Im a bailiffs bum.

Why start thus from me? am I then a thing

To be despised and cast aside by thee?

Oh! while to every one I fondly cling

And follow all, will no one follow me?

Oh! if it comes to this, dear girl, no more

Shalt thou have cause upon my suit to frown;

Ill serve no writs again; from me secure,

John Doe may run at leisure up and down,

Come to my arms, but do not weep the less,

Thou art the last Ill eer take in distress.

A PAIR OF DUCKS. Pray, Sir Peter, said a brother Alderman to the City Laurie-ate the other day, while discussing the merits of Galloways plan for a viaduct from Holborn-hill to Skinner-street, Pray, Sir Peter, can you inform me what is the difference between a viaduct and an aqueduct? Certainly, replied our City Correspondent, with amazing condescension; a via-duck is a land-duck, and an aqua-duck is a water- duck! The querist confessed he had no idea before of the immensity of Sir Peters scientific knowledge.

[pg 180] PUNCHS THEATRE. MARGARET MAYFIELD; OR, THE MURDER OF THE LONE FARM-HOUSE. A couple next to a flowery tree form a letter P. rodigious! The minor drama has exhausted its stock of major crimes: parricide is out of date; infanticide has become from constant occurrence decidedly low; homicide grows tame and uninteresting; and fratricide is a mere bagatelle, not worthy of attention. The dramatist must therefore awaken new sympathies by contriving new crimeshe must invent. In this the Sadlers Wells genius has been fortunate. He has brought forward a novelty in assassination, which is harrowing in the extreme: it may be called Farm-house-icide! Just conceive the pitch of intense sympathy it is possible for one to feel, while beholding the murder of a lone farm- house! Arson is nothing to it.

Out of this novel domiciliary catastrophe the author of Margaret Mayfield has formed a melodrama, which in every other respect is founded, like a chancellors decree, upon precedent; it being a good old-fashioned, cut-throat piece, of the leather-breeches-and-gaiter, plough-and-pitchfork school. A country-inn parlour of course commences the story, where certain characters assemble, who reveal enough of themselves and of the characters assumed by their fellows (at that time amusing themselves in the green-room), to let any person the least acquainted with the literature of melodrama into the secret of the entire plot. There is the villain, who is as usual in love with the heroine, and in league with three ill-looking fellows sitting at a separate table. There too is the old-established farmer, who has about him a considerable sum of moneya fact he mentions for the information of his pot-companions, on purpose to be robbed of it. The low comedian as usual disports himself upon a three-legged stool, dressed in the never-to-be-worn-out short non-continuations, skirtless coat, and eccentric tile.

A scene or two afterwards, and we are surprised to find that the farmer is safely housed, and that he has not been robbed upon a bleak moor on a dark stage. But we soon feel a sensation of awe, when we learn that before us is the interior of the very farm-house that is going to be murdered. The farmer and his wife go through the long-standing dialogue of stage-stereotype, about love and virtue, the price of turnips, and their only child; and the husband goes to some fair with a friend, who had just been rejected by his sister-in-law in favour of the villain. The coast being left clear, the villain and his accomplices enter, and we know something dreadful is going to happen, for the farmers wife is gone out of the way on purpose not to interrupt. The villain draws a knife and drags his sweetheart into an out-house, and then the wife comes on to describe what is passing; for the audiences of Sadlers Wells would tear up the benches if they dared to murder out of sight, without being told what is going on. Accordingly, we hear a scream, and the sister of the screamer exclaims,Ah, horror! He draws the knife across her throat! (Great applause.) But no; she takes up a broken ploughshare and escapes! (A slight tendency to hiss.) Now he seizes her hair, he throws her down. Ah! see how the blood streams from her. (Intense delight as the woman falls flat upon the boards, supposed to be overcome with dread.) A bloody knife, of course, next enters, grasped by the villain; who, as usual, remarks he is sorry for what has happened, but it cant be helped, and must be made the best of. The woman having suddenly recovered, escapes into an additional private box, or trunk, placed on the stage for that purpose; stating that she will see what is going on from between the cracks. The villain then murders the child, and walks off with his hands in his pocket; leaving, as is always the case, the fatal knife in a most conspicuous part of the stage, which for some seconds it has all to itself. The farmer comes in, takes up the knife, and falls down in a fit, just in time for the constables to come in and to take him up for the murder. The wife jumps out of the box, and by her assistance a tableau is formed for the act-drop to fall to.

Our readers, of course, guess the rest. The farmer is condemned to be hanged; and in the last scene he is one of the never-omitted procession to the gallows. At the cue, Now then, I am ready to meet my fate like a man, the screech in that case always made and provided is heard at a distance. Hold! hold! he is innocent! are the next words; and enter the wife with a pair of pistols, and a witness. The executioner pardons the condemned on his own responsibility; and the villain comes on, on purpose to be shot, which is done by the farmer, who seems determined not to be accused of murder for nothing.

To these charming series of murders we may add that of the Queens English, which was shockingly maltreated, without the least remorse or mitigation.

THE TWO LAST IMPORTANT SITTINGS. Mr. Ross has had the last sitting of the Princess Royal for her portrait, and the Tories the last sitting of Mr. Walter for Nottingham.

SIBTHORPIAN PROBLEMS. Colonel Sibthorp presents his compliments to his dear friend and fellow, PUNCH, and seeing in the Times of Wednesday last a long account of the extraordinary arithmetical powers of a new calculating machine, invented by Mr. Wertheimber, he is desirous of asking the inventor, through the ubiquitous pages of PUNCH, whether his, Mr. W.s apparatuswhich, as his friend George Robins would say, is a lot which seems to be worthy only of the great Bidder(he thinks he had him there)whether this automatical American, or steam calculator, could solve for him the following queries:

If the House of Commons be divided by Colonel Sibthorp on the Corn Laws, how much will it add to his credit?

How many times will a joke of Colonel Sibthorps go into the London newspapers?

Extract the root of Mr. Roebucks family tree, and say whether it would come out in anything but vulgar fractions.

Required the difference between political and imperial measures, and state whether the former belong to dry or superficial.

If thirty-six be six square, what is St. Jamess-square?and if the first circles be resident there, say whether this may not be considered as an approximation to the quadrature of the circle.

State the contents of the House of Commons upon the next motion of Sir Robert Peel, and whether the malcontents will be greater or less.

Required the capacities in feet between a biped, a quadruped, and a centipede, and say whether the foot of Mr. Joseph Hume, being just as broad as it is long, may not be considered as a square foot.

Express, in harmonious numbers, the proportion between the rhyme and the reason of Mr. Benjamin DIsraelis revolutionary epic, and say whether this is not a question of inverse ratio.

Whether, in political progression, the two extremes, Duke of Newcastle and Feargus OConnor, are equal to the mean Joseph Hume.

Is it possible to multiply the difficulties of the Whigs, and, if so, am I the figure for the part?

What is the difference between the squares of Messrs. Tom Spring and John Gully, and whether the one is the fourth, fifth, or what power of the other?

A SLAP AT JOHN CHINAMANS CHOPS. Peter Borthwick lately arrived at the highest possible pressure of indignation, while reading some of the insolent fulminations from the Celestial Empire. But Peter was sorely at a loss to account for their singular names: he was instantly enlightened by the Finsbury interpreter, our Tom Duncombe, who rendered the matter clear by asserting it was because the Emperor was very partial to a

A Chinese soldier looks at another, surprised Chinese man looking at a paper. CHOP WITH CHINESE SAUCE.

HUME LEEDSWAKLEY FOLLOWS. Joe Hume has written over to Wakley (postage unpaid) begging of him to take warning by his beating at Leeds; as he much fears, should Mr. Wakley continue his present line of conduct, when he next presents himself to his Finsbury constituents there is great probability of

A wagon followed by slaves and men wielding whips. FOLLOWING IN THE BEATEN TRACK.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. OCTOBER 30, 1841. [pg 181] THE GREAT CREATURE. That great creature, like some other great creatures, happened, as almanacs say, about this time to be somewhat out at elbows;not in the way of costume, for the very plenitude of his wardrobe was the cause which produced this effect, inasmuch as the word received in the veritable autograph of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy could nowhere be discovered annexed to the bills thereof: a slight upon their powers of penmanship which roused their individual, collective, and coparcenary ires to such a pitch, that they, Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, through the medium of their Attorneys-at-law, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnivals Inn, forwarded a writ to the unfortunate Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam,the which writ in process of time, being the legal seed, became ripened into a very vigorous execution, and was consigned to the care of a gentleman holding a Civil employment with a Military title, viz. that of Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex, with strict injunctions to the saidanything but Civil or Militarynondescript officer, to secure and keep the person of Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam till such time as the debt due to Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, and the legal charges of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, should be discharged, defrayed, and liquidated.

Frequent were the meetings of Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles and their man-trap, and as frequent their disappointments:Fitzflam always gave them the double! Having procured leave of absence from the Town Managers, and finding the place rather too hot to hold him, he departed for the country, and, as fate would have it, arrived at the inn then occupied by Mr. Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk.

In this out-of-the-way place he fondly imagined he had never been heard of. Judge then of his surprise, after his dinner and pint of wine, at the following information.

Fitz. Waiter.

Yes, sar.

Who have you in the house?

Fust of company, sar;alwaist, sar.

Oh! of course;any one in particular?

Yes, sar, very particular: one gentleman very particular, indeed. Has his bed warmed with brown sugar in the pan, and drinks asses milk, sar, for breakfast!

Strange fellow! but I mean any one of name?

Yes, sar, a German, sar; with a name so long, sar, it take all the indoor servants and a stable-helper to call him up of a morning.

You dont understand me. Have you any public people here?

Yes, sargreat man from town, sarbelongs to the TheatreMr. Fitzflam, sarquite the gentleman, sar.

Thank you for the compliment (bowing low).

No compliment at all, sar; would you like to see him, sar?sell you a ticket, sar; or buy one of you, sar.

What?

House expected to be full, sarsure to sell it again, sar.

What the devil are you talking about?

The play, sarFitzflam, sar!theres the bill, sar, and (bell rings) theres the bell, sar. Coming. (Exit Waiter.)

The first thing that suggested itself to the mind of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam was the absolute necessity of insisting upon that insane waiters submitting to the total loss of his well-greased locks, and enveloping his outward man in an extra-strong strait-waistcoat; the next was to look at the bill, and there he sawhorror of horrors!the name, the bright ancestral namethe name he bore, bursting forth in all the reckless impudence of the largest type and the reddest vermilion!

Anger, rage, and indignation, like so many candidates for the exalted mutton on a greased pole, rushed tumultuously over each others heads, each anxious to gain the ascendant in the bosom of Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam. To reduce a six-and-ninepenny gossamer to the fac-simile of a bereaved muffin in mourning by one vigorous blow wherewith he secured it on his head, grasp his ample cane and three half-sucked oranges (in case it should come to pelting), and rush to the theatre, was the work of just twelve minutes and a half. In another brief moment, payment having been tendered and accepted, Fitzflam was in the boxes, ready to expose the swindle and the swindler!

The first act was over, and the audience were discussing the merits of the supposed Roscius.

He is a sweet young man, said a simpering damsel to a red-headed Lothario, with just brains enough to be jealous, and spirit enough to damn the player.

I dont see it, responded he of the Rufusian locks.

Such dear legs!

Dear legsduck legs you mean, miss!

And such a voice!

Voice! Ill holler with him for all hes worth.

Ha done, do!

I shant: Fitzflamsanumbug!

Sir! exclaimed Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitz of that ilk.

And Sir to you! retorted the child of earth with the golden hair.

I suppose Im a right to speak my mind of that or any other chap I pays to laugh at!

Its a tragedy, James.

All the funnier when sich as him comes to play in them.

Hush! the curtains up.So it was; and Bravo! bravo! shouted the ladies, and Hurrah! shouted the gentlemen. Never had Mr. Hannibal Fitzflummery Fitzflam seen such wretched acting, or heard such enthusiastic applause. Round followed round, until, worked up to frenzy at the libel upon his name, and, as he thought, his art, he vociferously exclaimed, Ladies and gentlemen, that mans a dd impostor! (Turn him out! throw him over! break his neck! shouted the gods. Shame shame! called the boxes. Youre drunk, exclaimed the pit to a man.) I repeat that man is(Take that!an apple in Fitzflams eye.) I say he is another (There it is!in his other eye) person altogethera(Boxkeeper!) Nothing of the sort; a(Constable!) Ill take(Take that fellow out!) Allow me to be(Off! off!) I am(Out! out!) Let me request.(Order! order!hiss! hiss!oh! oh!ah! ah!phit! phit!Booh!booh!wooh!oh!ah!)

Here Mr. Fitzfunk came forward, and commenced bowing like a mandarin, while the gentleman who had blacked Fitzflams eye desisted from forcing him out of the box, to hear the great creature speak. Fitzfunk commenced, AhemLadies and gentlemen, surrounded as I am by all sorts of(Bravos from all parts of the house.) Friends! Friends in the boxes!(Bravo! from boxes, with violent waving of handkerchiefs.) Friends in the pit!(Hurrah! and sundry excited hats performing extraordinary aerial gyrations.) And last, not least in my dear love, friends in the gallery!(Raptures of applause; five minutes whistling; three chandeliers and two heads broken; and the owners of seventeen corns stamped up to frenzy!) Need I fear the malice of an individual? (Never! never! from all parts of the house.) Could I deceive you, an enlightened public? (No! no! impossible! all fudge!) Would I attempt such a thing? (No! no! by no manner of means!) I am, ladies and gentlemen(Fitzflam! Fitzflam!) I bow to your judgment. I have witnesses; shall I produce them? No, said two of his most enthusiastic supporters, scrambling out of the pit, and getting on the stage; Dont trouble yourself; we know you; (Omnes. Hurrah! To Fitzflam in boxesShame! shame!) we will swear to you; (Omnes, Fitzflam for ever!) andwe dont care who knows it(Omnes. Noble fellows!) we arrest you at the suit of Messrs. Moleskin and Corderoy, Regents-quadrant, tailors. Attorneys, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, of Furnivals Inn. Plaintiff claims 54l. debt and 65l. costs; so come along, will you!

It was an exceedingly fortunate thing for the representatives of the Sheriff of Middlesex that their exit was marked by more expedition than elegance; for as soon as their real purpose was known, Fitzflam (as the audience supposed Fitzfunk to be) would have been rescued vi et armis. As it was, they hurried him to a back room at the inn, and carefully double-locked the door. It was also rather singular that from the moment of the officers appearance, the gentleman in the boxes whose doubts had caused the disturbance immediately owned himself in the wrong, apologised for his mistake, and withdrew. As the tragedy could not proceed without Fitzfunk, the manager proposed a hornpipe-in-fetters and general dance by the characters; instead of the last act which was accepted, and loudly applauded and encored by the audience.

Seated in his melancholy apartment, well guarded by the bailiff, certain of being discovered and perhaps punished as an impostor, or compelled to part with all his earnings to pay for coats and continuations he had never worn, the luckless Horatio Fitzharding Fitzfunk gave way to deep despondency, and various ahs! and ohs! A tap at the door was followed by the introduction of a three-cornered note addressed to himself. The following were its contents:

Sir,It appears from this nights adventure my name has heretofore been useful to you, and on the present occasion your impersonation of it has been useful to me. We are thus far quits. I, as the real Simon Pure, will tell you what to do. Protest you are not the man. Get witnesses to hear you say so; and when taken to London (as you will be) and the men are undeceived, threaten to bring an action against the Sheriff unless those harpies, Messrs. Gallowsworthy and Pickles, give you 20l. for yourself, and a receipt in full for the debt and costs. Keep my secret; Ill keep yours. Burn this.H.F.F.

No sooner read than done; and all came to pass as the note predicted. Gallowsworthy and Pickles grumbled, but were compelled to pay. Fitzflam and Fitzfunk became inseparable. Fitzflam was even heard to say, he thought in time Fitzfunk would make a decent walking gentleman; and Fitzfunk was always impressed with an opinion that he was the man of talent, and that Fitzflam would never have been able to succeed in starring it where he had been The Great Creature.

FUSBOS.

N.B.The author of this paper has commenced adapting it for stage representation.

THE DESIRE OF PLEASING. May I be married, ma? said a lovely girl of fifteen to her mother the other morning. Married! exclaimed the astonished matron; what put such an idea into your head? Little Emily, here, has never seen a wedding; and Id like to amuse the child, replied the obliging sister, with fascinating naïveté.

[pg 182] THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER VIII. A street sweeper forms a letter A together with his broom. serious accident to the double-bass was the extraordinary occurrence alluded to in our last chapter. It appeared that, contrary to the usual custom of the class of musicians that attend evening parties, the operator upon the double-bass had early in the evening shown slight symptoms of inebriety, which were alarmingly increased during supper-time by a liberal consumption of wine, ale, gin, and other compounds. The harp, flageolet, and first violin, had prudently abstained from drinkingat their own expense, and had reserved their thirstiness for the benefit of the bibicals of the founder of the feast, and, consequently, had only attained that peculiar state of sapient freshness which invariably characterises quadrille bands after supper, and had, therefore, overlooked the rapid obfuscation of their more imprudent companion in their earnest consideration of themselves.

Bacchus has long been acknowledged to be the cicerone of Cupid; and accordingly the God of Wine introduced the God of Love into the bosom of the double-bass, who, with a commendable feeling of sociality, instantly invited the cook to join the party. Now Susan, though a staid woman, and weighing, moreover, sixteen stone, was fond of a hinnocent bit of nonsense, kindly consented to take just a sip of red port wine with the performer upon catgut cables; and everything was progressing allegro, when Cupid wickedly stimulated the double-bass to chuck Susans double chin, and then, with the frenzy of a Bacchanal, to attempt the impossibility of encircling the ample waist of his Dulcinea. This was carrying the joke a leetle too far, and Susan, equally alarmed for her reputation and her habit-shirt, struggled to free herself from the embrace of the votary of Apollo; but the fiddler was not to be so easily disposed of, and he clung to the object of his admiration with such pertinacity that Susan was compelled to redouble her exertions, which were ultimately successful in embedding the double-bass in the body of his instrument. The crash was frightful, and Susan, having vainly endeavoured to free herself from the incubus which had fastened upon her, proceeded to scream most lustily as an overture to a faint. These sounds reached the supper-room, and occasioned the diversion in Johns favour; a simultaneous rush was instantly made to the quarter from whence they proceeded, as the whole range of accidents and offences flashed across the imaginations of the affrighted revellers.

Mrs. Waddledot decided that the china tea-service was no more. Mrs. Applebite felt certain that the heir had tumbled into the tea-urn, or had cut another tooth very suddenly. The gentlemen were assured that a foray had taken place upon the hats and cloaks below, and that cabs would be at a premium and colds at a discount. The ladies made various applications of the rest of the catalogue; whilst old John wound up the matter by the consolatory announcement that he knowd the fire hadnt been put out by the ingines in the morning.

The general alarm was, however, converted into general laughter when the real state of affairs was ascertained; and Susan having been recovered by burning feathers under her nose, and pouring brandy down her throat, preparations were made for the disinterment of the double-bass. To all attempts to effect such a laudable purpose, the said double-bass offered the most violent opposition, declaring he should never be so happy again, and earnestly entreated Susan to share his heart and temporary residence.

Her refusal of both seemed to cause him momentary uneasiness, for hanging his head upon his breast he murmured out

Now she has left me her loss to deplore;

and then burst into a loud huzza that rendered some suggestions about the police necessary, which Mr. Double-bass treated with a contempt truly royal. He then seemed to be impressed with an idea that he was the index to a Little Warbler; for at the request of no one he proceeded to announce the titles of all the popular songs from the time of Shield downwards. How long he would have continued this vocal category is uncertain; but as exertion seemed rather to increase than diminish his boisterous merriment, the suggestions respecting the police were ordered to be adopted, and accordingly two of the force were requested to remove him from the domicile where he was creating so much discord in lieu of harmony.

Double-bass still continued deaf to all entreaties for silence and progression, and when a stretcher was mentioned grew positively furious, and insisted that, as he had a conveyance of his own, he should be taken to whatever destination they chose to select for him on, or rather in, that vehicle. Accordingly a rattle was sprung, and duly answered by two or three more of those alphabetical gentlemen who emanate from Scotland- yard, by whose united efforts the refractory musician was carried out in triumph, firmly and safely seated in his own ponderous instrument, loudly insisting that he should be conveyed

A fellow sits on an upturned boat. WITH CARETHIS SIDE UP.

The interruption occasioned by this interesting occurrence was productive of a general clearance of 24, Pleasant-place; and the apartments which were so lately filled with airy sylphs and trussed Adonises presented a strange jumble of rough coats, dingy silk cloaks, very passé bonnets, and numerous heads enveloped in faded white handkerchiefs. Everything began to look miserable; candles were seen in all directions flickering with their inevitable destiny; bouquets were thrown carelessly upon the ground; and the very faintest odour of a cigar found its way from the street-door into the drawing-room. Then came the hubbub of struggling jarvies; the hoarse, continued inquiries of those peculiar beings that emerge from some unknown quarter of the great metropolis, and live and move and have their being at the doorsteps of party-giving people. What tales could those benighted creatures tell of secret pressures of hands, whispered sentences of sweet words, which have led in after-days to many a blissful union! What sighs must have fallen upon their ears as they have rolled up the steps and slammed to the doors of the vehicle which bore away the idol of the evening! But they have no romanceno ambition but to call My lord dukes coach.

Then came the desolate stillness of the banquet-hall deserted; the consciousness that the hour of grandeur had passed away. There was nothing to break the stillness but Mrs. Applebite counting up the spoons, and Mrs. Waddledot re-decanting the remainders.

BURKES HERALDRY. Our amiable friend and classical correspondent, Deaf Burkemind, yeshas lately mounted a coat-of-arms, Dexter and Sinister; a Nose gules and Eye sable; three annulets of Ropes in chief, supported by two Prize-fighters proper. Motto,

Two men hit at each other. KNOCK AND RING.

A SUGGESTION For the formation of a Society for the relief of foreigners afflicted with a short pocket and a long beard.

Mr. Muntz to be immediately waited upon by a body of the unhappy sufferers, and requested to give his countenance and assistance to the establishment of an INSTITUTION FOR THE GRATUITOUS SHAVING OF DESTITUTE AND HIRSUTE FOREIGNERS.

[pg 183] THE GOLD SNUFF-BOX. A vine-covered letter M y aunt, Mrs. Cheeseman, is the very reverse of her husband. He is a plain, honest creature, such as we read of in full-length descriptions by some folks, but equally comprehensive, though shortly done by others, under the simple name of John Bullas ungarnished in his dress, as in his speech and action; whereas Mrs. Cheeseman, as I have just told you, is the counterpart of plainness; she has trinkets out of number, brooches, backed with every kind of hair, from the flaxen-headed cow-boy to the deep-toned Jim Crow. Then her ringsthey are the surprise of her staring acquaintances; she has them from the most delicate Oriental fabric to the massiveness of dogs collars.

Uncle Cheeseman says Mrs. C. thinks of nothing else; no sporting gentleman, handsomely furnished, in the golden days of pugilism, ever looked upon a ring with more delightful emotions. At going to bed, she bestows the same affectionate gaze upon them that mothers do upon their slumbering progeny; nor is that care and affection diminished in the morning: her very imagination is a ring, seeing that it has neither beginning nor endher tender ideas are encircled by the four magical letters RING. Even at church, we are told, she divides her time between sleeping and secret polishing. It has just occurred to me, that I might have saved you and myself much trouble had I at once told you that aunt Cheeseman is a regular Ring-worm.

But, to my unclethe only finery sported by him (and I hardly think it deserving that word), besides a silver watch, sound and true as the owner, and the very prototype of his bulk and serenity, was a gold snuff-box, a large and handsome one, which he did not esteem for its intrinsic weight; he had a lusty pride in showing that it was a prize gained in some skilful agricultural contest. I am sorry at not recollecting what was engraven on it; but being a thorough Cockney, and knowing nothing more of the plough and harrow than that I have somewhere observed it as a tavern sign, must plead for my ignorance in out-o-town matters.

You can remember, no doubt, the day the Queen went to dine with the City Nabobs at Guildhall. Cheeseman hurried impatiently to London for the sole purpose of seeing the sight, and upon finding my liking for the spectacle as powerful as his own, declared I was the only sensible child my mother ever had, and adding that as he was well able to push his way through a Lunnon crowd, if my father and mother were willing, under his protection I should see this grand affair. Not the slightest objection was put in opposition to my uncles proposal, consequently the next day, November the 9th, 1837, uncle Cheeseman and I formed integral portions of the huge mass of spectators which reached from St. Jamess to the City.

After slipping off the pavement a score of times (and in some instances opportunely enough to be shoulder-grazed by a passing coach-wheel), stunning numberless persons by explosions of oaths for clumsy collisions and unintentional performances upon his tenderest corn, we reached the corner of St. Pauls churchyard.

Having secured by a two-shilling bargain about three feet of a form, which, I suppose, upon any other day than a general holiday like the present was the locus in quo for little dears whose young ideas were taught to shoot at threepence a week, uncle took breath, and a pinch of snuff together: he smiled as I observed, that hed be sure to take a refresher when her Majesty passed; and though he shook his head and designated me a sly young rogue, I could clearly perceive that he was plotting to perform, as if by chance, what I had predicated as a certainty; and although nineteen persons out of twenty would have marked (in this instance) his puerility, I doubt not but that the same number are (at some periods of their existence) innocent victims to the like weakness, whether it be generated in a snuff-box or a royal diploma.

By-and-by, a murmur from the distance, which succeeded a restless motion among the crowd (like a leafy agitation of trees coming as a kind of courier en avant to announce the regular hurricane), broke gradually, and at last uproariously upon us; straining our necks and eyes in the attractive direction. Uncle grasped me by the arm, and though he spoke not a word, he fairly stared, Here it comes. Now the thick tide of the moving portion of the spectators began to sweep past us, as they hedged in the soldiery and carriages; then came the shouting, accompanied by various kinds of squeezing, tearing, and stumbling; some screaming compliments to her Majesty, and in the same breath dispensing more violent compliments in an opposite direction, and of a decidedly different tendency. Shoes were trodden off, and bonnets crushed out of all fashion; coats were curtailed; samples of their quality were either seen dangling at the heels of the wearer, or were ignominiously trodden under foot; and many superfine Saxony trousers were double-milled without mercy.

Whilst we were pluming ourselves upon the snugness of our situations, and the attendant good fortune of being easy partners in the business of the day, and thus freed from the vexations and perplexities so largely distributed in our view, I was hindered from communicating my happiness upon these points, for at this moment down went my uncle Cheeseman, and as suddenly up flew his arms above his head, like Boatswain Smith at the height of exhortation on Tower Hill. I was surprised, and so appeared my unfortunate relation, who superadded an additional mixture of indignation as I caught a glimpse or two of his chameleon-like visage; for at the first sight I could have most honestly sworn it to have been whiteat the second as crimson as the sudden consciousness of helpless injury could make it. Nevertheless, he sailed away from me in this extraordinary attitude for a short distance, when suddenly, as he lowered his arms, I observed sundry hands descend quickly, and, as I thought, kindly, lest he should lose his hat, upon the crown of it, until it encased more of his head than could be deemed either fashionable or comfortable. Presently, however, he was again seen viciously elbowing and writhing his way back to me, which after immense exertions he performed, in the full receipt of numerous anathemas and jocular insults. As he neared me, I inquired what he had been doing; why he had left me for such a short, difficult, and unprofitable journeywhich queries, innocently playful as they were, appeared to produce a choking sensation, accompanied by a full-length stare at me; but his naturally kind heart was not kept long closed against me, and I gleaned the melancholy fact from his indignation, which was continually emitted in such short gusts as, The villainsThe scoundrelsAnd done so suddenlyThe only thing I prized,Well, this is a lesson for me. As we returned home, uncle displayed a wish to thrust himself everywhere into the densest mass; there was a morbid carelessness in his manner that he had hitherto never shown; he was evidently another man, a fallen creature; his pride, his existence, the very theme of all his joys, his gold snuff-box, had departed for ever, and his heart was in that box: what would Mrs. Cheeseman say? He had been cleaned out to the very letteray, that letterit perhaps contained matters of moment.

I have since that affair upon several occasions heard the poor fellow declare that much as he was heart-broken at the loss of his box, his feelings were lacerated to a greater degree when, in a curtain lecture, my staid, correct, frosty-hearted, jewel-hugging aunt said, Cheeseman, it was a judgment for such conduct to a wife. In that letter, which you treated with such contumely, I strictly cautioned you not to take that valuable box about with you, if your madness for sight-seeing should lead you into a mob. Let this be a warning to you; and be sure that though woman be the weaker vessel, she is oftentimes the deepest. We believe it.

THE PENSIVE PEEL. It is an unfounded calumny of the enemies of Sir Robert Peel to say that he has gone into the country to amuse himselfshooting, feasting, eating, and drinkingwhile the people are starving in the streets and highways. We know that the heart of the compassionate old rat bleeds for the distresses of the nation, and that he is at this moment living upon bread and water, and studying Lord John Russells hints on the Corn-laws, in

A rat in a cage with a book and a desk. THE MONASTERY OF LA TRAPPE.

DOMESTIC ECONOMY. Said Stiggins to his wife one day,

Weve nothing left to eat;

If things go on in this queer way,

We shant make both ends meet.

The dame replied, in words discreet,

Were not so badly fed,

If we can make but one end meat,

And make the other bread.

[pg 184] NIGGER PECULIARITIES. Perhaps no race of people on the face of the habitable globe are so strongly imbued with individual peculiarities as the free and slave negro population of the United States. Out- heroding Herod in their monstrous attempts of imitating and exceeding the fashions of the whites, the emulative Darkies may be seen on Sundays occupying the whole extent of the Broadway pavement, dressed in fashions carried to the very sublime of the ridiculous. Whatever is the order of the day, the highest ton among the whites is instantly adopted, with the most ludicrous exaggeration, by the blacks: if small brims be worn by the beaus of the former, they degenerate to nothing on the skulls of the latter; if width be the order of the day, the coloured gentlemen rush out in unmeasurable umbrellas of felt, straw, and gossamer. A long-tailed white is, in comparison, but a docked black. Should muslin trip from a carriage, tucked or flounced to the knee, the same material, sported by a sable belle, will take its next Sunday out fur-belowed from hip to heel. Parasols are parachutes; sandals, black bandages; large bonnets, straw sheds, and small ones, nonentities. So it is with colours: green becomes more green, blue more blue, orange more orange, and crimson more flaming, when sported by these ebon slaves of deep-rooted vanity.

The spirit of imitation manifests itself in all their actions: hence it is by no means an uncommon occurrence to see a tall, round-shouldered, woolly-headed, buck-shinned, and inky-complexioned Free Nigger, sauntering out on Sunday, shading his huge weather-proof face from the rays of the encroaching sun under a carefully-carried silk umbrella! And again, as in many of the places of worship the whole congregation cannot be accommodated with seats, many of the members supply their own; so these sable gentry may be frequently seen progressing to church with a small stool under their arms: and in one instance, rather than be disappointed, or obliged to stand,a solemn-looking specimen of the species actually provided himself with a strong brick-bat, and having carefully covered it with his many and bright-coloured bandana, preserved his gravity, and, still more strange, his balance, with an irresistible degree of mirth-creating composure.

Their laziness and unequivocal antipathy to work is as true as proverbial. We know an instance of it in which the master ordered his sable help to carry a small box from the steam pier to the Astor-House Hotel, where his newly-married wife, an English lady, was waiting for it; judge of her surprise to see the dark gentleman arrive followed by an Irish lad bearing the freight intended for himself.

Dar, said the domineering conductor; dar, dat will do; put da box down dar. Now, Missis, look here, jist give dat chap a shillin.

A shilling! What for?

Cos he bring up dar plunder from de bay.

Why didnt you bring it yourself?

Look here. Somehow I rader guess I should ha let dar box fall and smashiated de contents, so I jist give dat white trash de job jest to let de poor crittur arn a shillin.

Remonstrance was vain, so the money was paid; the lady declaring, for the future, should he think proper to employ a deputy, it must be at his own expense. The above term white trash is the one commonly employed to express their supreme contempt for the low Irish wulgar set.

Their dissensions among themselves are irresistibly comic. Threatening each other in the most outrageous manner; pouring out invectives, anathemas, and denunciations of the most deadly nature; but nine times in ten letting the strife end without a blow; affording in their quarrels an apt illustration of

A tale full of sound and fury, Told by an idiot, signifying nothing.

Suppose an affront, fancied or real, put by one on another, the common commencement of ireful expostulations generally runs as follows:

Look here! you dm black nigger; what you do dat for, Sar?

Hoo you call black, Sar? Dm, as white as you, Sar; any day, Sar. You nigger, Sar!

Look here agin; dont you call me a nigger, Sar. Now, dont you do it.

Why not?

Neber mind; Ive told you on it, so dont you go to do it no more, you mighty low black, cos if you do put my dander up, and make me wrasey, I rader guess Ill smash in your niggers head, like a bust-up egg-shell. Ise a ring-tailed roarer, I tell you!

Reckon Im a Pottomus. Dont you go to put my steam up; dd if dont bust and scald you out. Im nothing but a snortera pretty considerable tarnation long team, and a couple of horses to spare; so jest be quiet, I tell you, or Ill use you up uncommon sharp.

You use me up! Yoo, yoo! Dm! You and your wife and some nigger children, all ob you, was sold for a hundred and fifty dollars less than this nigger.

Look here, dont you say dat agin; dont you do it; I tell you, dont you do it, or Ill jist give you such an almighty everlasting shaking, dat you shall pray for a cold ague as a holiday. Im worth considerable more dollars dan sich a low black man as you is worth cents. Why, didnt dey offer to give you away, only you such dam trash no one would take you, so at last you was knocked down to a blind man.

What dat? Here! Stand clear dar behind, and get out ob de way in front, Im jist going to take a run and butt dat nigger out of de State. Let me go, do you hear? Golly, if you hadnt held me hed a been werry small pieces by dis time. Dm, Ill break him up.

Yoo, yoo! Your low buck-shins neber carry your black head fast enough to catch dis elegant nigger. You jist run; youll find Im nothing but an alligator. You hab no more chance dan a black slug under de wheels of a plunder-train carriage. You is unnoticeable by dis gentleman.

Dar dat good, gentleman! Golly, dat good! Look here, dont you neber speak to me no more.

And look here, nigger, dont you neber speak to me.

See you dm fust, black man.

See you scorched fust, nigger.

Good day, trash.

Good mornin, dirt!

So generally ends the quarrel; but about half-an-hour afterwards the Trash and Dirt will generally be found lauding each other to the skies, and cementing a new six hours friendship over some brandy punch or a mint julep.

SONGS OF THE SEEDY.No. VI. You bid me rove, Mary,

In the shady grove, Mary,

With you to the close of even;

But I cant, my dear,

For I must, I swear,

Be off at a quarter to seven.

Nay, do not start, Mary;

Nor let your heart, Mary,

Be disturbd in its innocent purity;

Im sure that you

Wouldnt have me do

My friendmy bailmy security!

That tearful eye, Mary,

Seems to ask me why, Mary,

I can wait till sunset ony.

Ah! turn not away;

I am out for the day

On a Fleet and fleeting pony.

Your wide open mouth, Mary,

With its breath like the south, Mary,

Seems to ask for an explanation.

Well, though not of the schools,

I live within rules,

And am subject to observation.

But come to my arms, Mary;

Let no dread alarms, Mary,

In our present happiness warp us!

Ive not the least doubt

Of soon getting out,

By a writ of habeas corpus.

Away with despair, Mary;

Let us cast in the air, Mary,

His dark and gloomy fetters.

Why should we be rackd,

When we think of the Act

For relieving Insolvent Debtors.

A MAYORS NEST. Our friend the Sir Peter Laureate wishes to know whether the work upon Horal Surgery is not a new-invented description of almanack, as it is announced as

Two men boxing. CURTIS ON THE EAR11. Qy. Year.Printers Devil.

[pg 185] THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 5.OF HIS MATURITY, AND LATIN EXAMINATION. The second season arrives, and our pupil becomes a medical student in the fullest sense of the word. He has an indistinct recollection that there are such things as wards in the hospital as well as in a key or the city, and a vague wandering, like the mornings impression of the dreams of the preceding night, that in the remote dark ages of his career he took some notes upon the various lectures, the which have long since been converted into pipe- lights or small darts, which, twisted up and propelled from between the forefingers of each hand, fly with unerring aim across the theatre at the lecturers head, the slumbering student, or any other object worth aiming atan amusing way of beguiling the hours lecture, and only excelled by the sport produced, if he has the good luck to sit in a sunbeam, from making a tournament of Jack-o-lanthorns on the ceiling. His locker in the lobby of the dissecting-room has long since been devoid of apron, sleeves, scalpels, or forceps; but still it is not empty. Its contents are composed of three bellpull-handles, a valuable series of shutter-fastenings, two or three broken pipes, a pewter go (which, if everybody had their own, would in all probability belong to Mr. Evans, of Covent Garden Piazza), some scraps of biscuit, and a round knocker, which forcibly recalls a pleasant evening he once spent, with the accompanying anecdotes of how he bilked the pike at Waterloo Bridge, and poor Jones got jugd by mistake.