Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (15)

The business of the day commenced with a grand commemorative procession of homage to the prize goose, the representative of whom, we are proud to say, fell by election to the envied lot of the gallant, jocose, and Joe Millertary Colonel Sibthorp.

ORDER OF PROCESSION. Trumpeter in Ordinary to all the geese, and

himself in particular,

On his extraordinary Pegasus, beautifully represented by a Jackass,

Idealised with magnificent gooses wings.

Mr. GEORGE STEPHENS, Grand Master of Hanky-panky.

Balancing on the Pons Asinorum of his Nose the Identical goose-quill

with which he indited the Wondrous Tale of Alroy,

Mr. BEN DISRAELI (much admired).

The great Stuffer and Crammer, bearing a stupendous dish

Of Sage and Onions,

Seated in a magnificent Sauce-boat, supported on either side by

Two fly pages bearing Apple-sauce,

And a train-bearer distributing mustard,

SIR EDWARD GEORGE ERLE LYTTON BULWER.

Grand Officiating Gravy Spoon,

A character admirably sustained, and

supported to the life, by

PETER BORTHWICK, M.P. and G.O.G.S.

Drawer and Carver-in-Chief,

Bearing some splendidly-dissected giblets, with gilt gizzard under his

right arm, and plated liver under his left,

Surgeon WAKLEY, M.P.

Hereditary Champion of the Popes Nose,

Bearing the dismembered Relic enclosed in a beautifully-enamelled

Dutch oven,

DANIEL OCONNELL, M.P.

The grand Prize Goose,

Reclining on a splendid willow-pattern well dish,

Colonel WALDO SIBTHORP!

Supported by CHARLES PEARSON, and Sir PETER LAURIE,

With flowery potatoes and shocking greens.

Grand Accountant-General,

With a magnificent banner, bearing an elaborate average rate of the price

of geese.

And the cheapest depôts for the same,

JOSEPH HUME, M.P.

This imposing procession having reached the grand kitchen, which had been erected for the occasion, the festivities instantly commenced by the Vice-Goose, Sir EDWARD LYTTON ERLE BULWER, proposing the health of the gallant Chairman, the Great-grand Goose:

Mr. Chairman and prize goose,The feelings which now agitate my sensorium on this Michaelmasian occasion stimulate the vibratetiuncles of the heartiean hypothesis, so as to paralyse the oracular and articulative apparatus of my loquacious confirmation, overwhelming my soul-fraught imagination, as the boiling streams of liquid lava, buried in one vast cinereous mausoleumthe palace-crowded city of the engulphed Pompeii. (Immense cheers.)I therefore propose a Methusalemic elongation of the duration of the vital principle of the presiding anserian paragon. (Stentorian applause, continued for half-an-hour after the rising of the Prize Goose) who said

Fellow Geese and Goslings,Julius Cæsar, when he laid the first stone of the rock of GibraltarMr. Carstairs, the celebrated caligrapher, when he indited the inscription on the Rosetta stoneCleopatra, when she hemmed Anthonys bandanna with her celebrated needlethe Colossus of Rhodes, when he walked and won his celebrated match against Captain BarclayGalileo, when he discovered and taught his grandmother the mode of sucking eggscould not feel prouder than I do upon the present occasion. (Cheers.) These reminiscences, I can assure you, will ever stick in my grateful gizzard.

Here the gallant Colonel sat down, overcome by his feelings and several glasses of Betts best British brandy.

SongGoosey, goosey gander.

Mr. DISRAELI then rose, and said,Chair, and brethren of the quill, I feel, in assuming the perpendicular, like the sun when sinking into his emerald bed of western waters. Overcome by emotions mighty as the impalpable beams of the harmonious moons declining light, and forcibly impressed as the trembling oak, girt with the invisible arms of the gentle loving zephyr; the blush mantles on my cheek, deep as the unfathomed depths of the azure ocean. I say, gentlemen, impressed as I am with a sensewith a sense, I say, with a sense Here the hon. gentleman sat down for want of a termination.

SongNo more shall the children of Judah sing.

Mr. PETER BORTHWICK (having corked himself a handsome pair of mustachios), next rose, and said,Most potent, grave, and reverend signors, and Mr. Chairman,if it were done, when tis done, then twere well it were done quicklyin rising to drinkmy custom always of an afternoonthe health of Sir Peter Laurie, and whom I can ask, in the language of the immortal bard, where gottest thou that goose look, I can only say, had Heaven made me such another, I would not Then Peter Borthwick sat down, evidently indisposed, exclaimingThe drink, Hamlet, the drink!!!

Here our reporter left the meeting, who were vociferously chanting, by way of grace, previous to the attack on the roast geese, the characteristic anthem of the King of the Cannibal Islands.

DYER IGNORANCE. It has been rumoured that Mr. Bernal, the new member, has been for some weeks past suffering from a severe attack of scarlet fever, caused by his late unparliamentary conduct in addressing the assembled legislators asgentlemen. We are credibly informed that this unprecedented piece of ignorance has had the effect, as Shakspere says, of

A man gets money from a chubby soldier. MAKING THE GREEN ONE RED.Macbeth.

MAKING A COMPOSITION WITH ONES ANCESTORS. Roebuck, the ex-attorney, and member for Bath, who has evinced a most commendable love of his parents, from his great-grandfather upwards, seeing the utter impossibility of carrying through the whole hog conviction of their respectability, and finding himself in rather an awkward fix, on the present occasion begs to inform the editor of the Times, that he will be most happy to accept a compromise, on their literary and scientific attainments, at the very reasonable rate of

A man sits in a chicken coop. SIX-AND-EIGHTPENCE IN THE POUND.

[pg 136] PUNCHS HISTRIONIC READINGS IN HISTORY. NO. 1.ENGLAND. Of the early history of England nothing is known. It was, however, invaded by the Normans; but whether they were any relations of the once celebrated Norman the pantaloon, we have no authentic record. The kingdom had at one time seven kingstwo of whom were probably the two well-known kings of Brentford. Perhaps, also, the king of Little Britain made a third; while old king Cole may have constituted a fourth; thus leaving only a trifling balance of three to be accounted for.

Alfred the Great is supposed to have been originally a baker, from his having undertaken the task of watching the cakes in the neat-herds oven; and Edward the Black Prince was probably a West Indian, who found his way to our hospitable shores at an early period.

We now come to King John, who ascended the throne after putting out his nephews eyes with a pair of curling-irons, and who is the first English Sovereign who attempted to write his own name; for the scrawl is evidently something more than his mark, which is attached to Magna Charta.

We need say nothing of Richard the Third, with whom all our play-going friends are familiar, and who made the disgraceful offer, if Shakspeare is to be believed, of parting with the whole kingdom for a horse, though it does not appear that the disreputable bargain was ever completed.

The wars of York and Lancaster, which, though not exactly couleur de rose, were on the subject of white and red roses (that is to say, China and cabbage), united the crown in the person of Henry the Seventh, known to the play-going public as the Duke of Richmond, and remarkable for having entered the country by the Lincolnshire fens; for he talks of having got into the bowels of the land immediately on his arrival.

Henry the Eighth, as everybody knows, was the husband of seven wives, and gave to Mr. Almar (the Sadlers Wells Stephens) the idea of his beautiful dramatic poem of the Wife of Seven Husbands.

Elizabeths reign is remarkable for having produced a mantle which is worn at the present day, it having been originally made for one Shakspeare; but it is now worn by Mr. George Stephens, for whom, however, it is a palpable misfit, and it sits upon him most awkwardly.

Charles the First had his head cut off, and Mr. Cathcart acted him so naturally in Miss Mitfords play that one would have thought the monarch was entirely without a head all through the tragedy.

Cromwell next obtained the chief authority. This man was a brewer, who did not think small beer of himself, and inundated his country with heavy wet, in the shape of tears, for a long period.

Charles the Second, well known as the merry monarch, is remarkable only for his profligacy, and for the number of very bad farces in which he has been the principal character. His brother James had a short reign, but not a merry one. He is the only English sovereign who may be said to have amputated his bludgeon; which, if we were speaking of an ordinary man and not a monarch, we should have rendered by the familiar phrase of cut his stick, a process which was soon performed by his majesty.

The crown now devolved upon William and Mary, upon whom half-a crown a- piece was thus settled by the liberality of Parliament. William was Prince of Orange, a descendant probably of the great King Pippin.

Anne of Denmark comes next on our list, but of her we shall say nothing; and as the Georges who followed her are so near own time, we shall observe, with regard to them, an equally impenetrable mystery.

WAR TO THE NAIL. The British Critic, the high church, in fact, steeple Tory journal, tells its readers, if we strike out the first person of Roberts speeches, ay, out of his whole career, they become a rope untwisted, &c. &c. &c. This excited old lady is evidently anxious to disfigure the head of the government, by scratching Sir Robert Peels Is out.

MOLAR AND INCISOR. Muntz, in rigging Wakley upon the late article in the Examiner, likening the member for Finsbury, in his connexion with Sir Robert Peel, to the bird which exists by picking the crocodiles teeth, jocularly remarked, Well, I never had any body to pick my teeth. I should think not, or they would have chosen a much better set.

TWENTY POUNDS. READER, did you ever want twenty pounds? You haveyou have!I see itI know it! Nay, never blush! Your handyour hand!

READER.Sir, I

Silence!nonsensestuff; dont, dont prevaricateown it as I do,own it and rejoice.

READER.Really, sir, this conduct

Is strange. Granted; dont draw back; come, a cordial gripe. We are friends; we have both suffered from the same cause. There, thats righthonest palm to palm. Now, how say youhave you ever wanted twenty pounds?

READER.Frankly, then, I have.

Mind to mind, as hand to hand. Have you felt as I did? Did its want cloud the sun, wither the grass, and blight the bud?

READER.It did.

But how, marry, how? What! you decline confessionso you mayIll be more explicit. I was abroad, far from my father-landtheres a magic in the word!the turf weve played on, the hearts we love, the graves we venerateall, all combine to concentrate its charm.

READER.You are digressing.

Thank you, I am; but Ill resume. While I could buy them, friends indeed were plenty. Alas! prudence is seldom co-mate with youth and inexperience. The golden dream was soon to endend even with the yellow dross that gave it birth. Fallacious hopes of coming posts, averted for a time my coming wretchednessthree weeks, and not a line! The landlord suffered from an intermitting affection, characteristic of the stiff-necked generation;he bowed to othersgalvanism could not have procured the tithe of a salaam for me. His till was afflicted with a sort of sinking-fundishness. I was the contractor of the small bill, whose exact amount would enable him to meet a heavy payment; my very garments were tabooed from all earths decencies; splashes seemed to have taken a lease of the bottoms of my trousers. My boots, once objects of the tenderest care of their unworthy namesake, seemed conscious of the change, and drooped in untreed wretchedness, desponding at the wretched wrinkles now ruffling the once smooth calf! My coat no more appeared to catch the dust; as if under the influence of some invisible charm, its white-washed elbows never struck upon the sight of the else all-seeing boots; spider never rushed from his cell with the post-haste speed with which he issued from his dark recess, to pick the slightest cobweb that ever harnessed Queen Mabs team, from other coats; a gnat, a wandering hair left its location, swept by the angry brush from the broad-cloth of those who paid their billsas far as I was concernedall were inoculated with this strange blindness. It was an overwhelming ophthalmia! The chambermaid, through its fatality, never discovered that my jugs were empty, my bottle clothed with slimy green, my soap-dish left untenanted. A day before this time had been sufficient service for my hand-towel; now a week seemed to render it less fit to taste the rubs of hands and soap. Dust lost its vice, and lay unheeded in the crammed corner of my luckless room.

READER.I feel for you.

Silence! the worst is yet to come. At dinner all things changedsoup, before too hot to drink, came to my lips cool as if the north wind had caressed it; number was at an end; I ranked no longer like a human being; I was a huge oughta walking cyphera vile round O. I had neither beginning nor end. Go where I wouldtop, bottom, sides, twas all the same. Bouilli avoided mevegetables declined growing under my eyesfowls fled from me. I might as well have longed for ice-cream in Icelanddessert in a desert. I had no turnI was the last man. Nevertheless, dinner was a necessary evil.

READER.And tea?

Was excluded from the calendar. Night came, but no restall things had forgotten their office. The sheets huddled in undisturbed selfishness, like knotted cables, in one corner of the bed; the blankets, doubtless disgusted at their conduct, sought refuge at the foot; and the flock, like most other flocks, without a directing hand, was scattered in disjointed heaps.

READER.Did not you complain?

I didimprimisto bootsboots scratched his head; ditto waiterwaiter shook his; the chambermaid, strange to say, was suddenly deaf.

READER.And the landlord?

Did nothing all day; but when I spoke, was in a hurry, going to his ledger, Had I had as many months as hydra, that would have stopped them all.

READER.You were to be pitied.

I was. I rose one morning with the sunit scorched my face, but shone not. Nature was in her spring-time to all others, though winter to me. I wandered beside the banks of the rapid Rhine, I saw nothing but the thick slime that clogged them, and wondered how I could have thought them beautiful; the pebbles seemed crushed upon the beach, the stream but added to their lifelessness by heaping on them its dull green slime; the lark, indeed, was singingJuliet was rightits notes were nothing but harsh discords and unpleasing sharpsa rainbow threw its varied arch across the heavenssadness had robbed it of its charmit seemed a visionary cheata beautiful delusion.

READER.I feel with you.

I thank you. I went next day.

READER.What then?

The glorious sun shed life and joy aroundthe clear water rushed bounding on in glad delight to the sweet music of the scented windthe pebbly beach welcomed its chaste cool kiss, and smiled in freshness as it rolled again back to its pristine bed. The buds on which I stepped, elastic with high hope, sprung from the ground my foot had pressed them tothe lark

[pg 137] READER.You can say nothing new about that.

You are right. Ill pass it, and come at once to an end. My boots stood upright, conscious of their glare; a new spring rushed into my bottles; Floras sweets were witnessed in my dress; a mite, a tiny mite, might have made progress round my room, nor found a substance larger than itself to stop its way. My lips at dinner were scalded with the steaming soup; the eager waiters, rushing with the choicest sauce, in dread collision met, and soused my well-brushed coat. I was once more number one!all things had changed again.

READERExcept the rainbow.

Ay, even that.

READER,Indeed! how so?

If still impalpable to the gross foot of earth, it seemed to the charmed mind a glowing passage for the freed spirit to mount to bliss!

READER.May I ask what caused this difference?

You may, and shall be answered. I had received

READER.What?

TWENTY POUNDS!

FUSBOS.

CURIOSITY HUNTERS There is a large class of people in the worldthe business of whose lives is to hunt after and collect trifling curiosities; who go about like the Parisian chiffonniers, grubbing and poking in the highways and byeways of society, for those dearly-prized objects which the generality of mankind would turn up their noses at as worthless rubbish. But though the tribe of curiosity-hunters be extremely numerous, Nature, by a wise provision, has bestowed on them various appetites, so that, in the pursuit of their prey, they are led by different instincts, and what one seizes with avidity, another rejects as altogether unworthy of notice.

The varieties of the species are interminable; some of them are well known, and need no descriptionsuch as the book-worm, the bird-stuffer, the coin-taster, the picture-scrubber, &c.; but there are others whose tastes are singularly eccentric: of these I may mention the snuff-box collector, the cane-fancier, the ring-taker, the play-bill gatherer, to say nothing of one illustrious personage, whose passion for collecting a library of Bibles is generally known. But there is another individual of the species that I have not yet mentioned, whose morbid pleasure in collecting relics and memorials of the most revolting deeds of blood and crime is too well authenticated to be discredited. I believe that this variety, which I term The Criminal Curiosity Hunter, is unknown to every country in the world, except England.

How such a horrible taste should have been engendered here, is a question not easily solved. Physiologists are inclined to attribute it to our heavy atmosphere, which induces gloomy thoughts and fancies; while moralists assign as its cause, the sanguinary spirit of our laws, our brutal exhibitions of hanging, drawing and quartering, of gibbettings, whippings, brandings, and torturings, which degrade mens natures, and give them a relish for scenes of blood and cruelty.

It happened that I had occasion to call on one of those Criminal Curiosity Hunters lately. He received me with extreme urbanity, and pointing to an old-fashioned-looking arm-chair, requested me to be seated.I did so.

I suppose, sir, said he, with an air of suppressed triumph, that you have no idea that you are now sitting in a remarkable chair?

I assured him I was totally unconscious of the fact.

I can tell you, then, he replied, that it was in that chair Fauntleroy, the banker, who was hanged for forgery, was sitting when he was arrested.

Indeed!

Fact, sir! I gave ten guineas for it. I thought also to have obtained the night-cap in which he slept the night before his execution, but another collector was beforehand with me, and bribed the turnkey to steal it for him.

I had no idea there could be any competition for such an article, I observed.

Ah! sir, said he, with a deep sigh, you dont know the value of these interesting relics. I have been for upwards of thirty years a collector of them, and I have now as pretty a museum of Criminal Curiosities as you could desire to see.

It seems you have been indefatigable in your pursuit, said I.

Yes, he replied, when a man devotes himself to a great object, he must go to it heart and soul. I have spared neither time nor money in my pursuit; and since I became a collector, I have attended the execution of every noted malefactor throughout the kingdom.

Perceiving that my attention was drawn to a common rope, which served as a bell-pull, he said

I see you are remarking my bell-cordthat is the identical rope, sir, which hanged Bellingham, who shot Mr. Perceval in the House of Commons. I offered any sum for the one in which Thistlewood ended his life to match itbut I was unfortunately disappointed; and the laws have now become so disgracefully lenient, that I fear I shall never have an opportunity of procuring a respectable companion rope for the other side of my mantel-piece. And tis all owing to the rascally Whigs, sirthey have swept away all our good old English customs, and deprived us of our national recreations. I remember, sir, when Monday was called hanging day at the Old Bailey; on that morning a man might he certain of seeing three or four criminals swung off before his breakfast. Tis a curious study, sir, that of hangingI have seen a great many people suffer in my time: some go off as quiet as lambs, while others die very reluctantly. I have remarked, sir, that tis very difficult to hang a Jew pedlar, or a hackney-coachmantheres something obstinate in their nature that wont let them die like other men. But, as I said before, the Whigs and reformers have knocked up the hanging profession; and if it was not for the suicides, which, I am happy to say, are as abundant as ever, I dont know what we should do.

After my friends indignation against the anti-hanging principles of Reform had subsided a little, he invited me to examine his curiosities, which he had arranged in an adjoining room.

I have not, said he, as we were proceeding thither, confined my collection to objects connected with capital offenders only; it comprehends relics of every grade of crime, from murder to petty larceny. In that respect I am liberal, sir.

We had now reached the door of the apartment, when my conductor, seizing my arm suddenly, pointed to the door-mat upon which I had just set my foot, and said, Observe that mat, sir; it is composed of oakum picked by the fair fingers of the late Lady Barrymore, while confined in the Penitentiary.

I cast a glance at this humble memorial of her late ladyships industry, and passed into the museum. In doing so, I happened to stumble over a stable-bucket, which my friend affirmed was the one from which Thurtell watered his horse on his way to Proberts cottage. Opening a drawer, he produced a pair of dirty-looking slippers, the authentic property of the celebrated Ikey Solomons; and along with them a pair of cotton hose, which he assured me he had mangled with his own hands in Sarah Gales mangle. In another drawer he directed my attention to a short clay pipe, once in the possession of Burke; and a tobacco-stopper belonging to Hare, the notorious murderer. He had also preserved with great care Corders advertisement for a wife, written in his own hand, as it appeared in the weekly papers, and a small fragment of a tile from the Red Barn, where Maria Martin was murdered by the same Corder. He also possessed the fork belonging to the knife with which some German, whose name I forget, cut his wifes and childrens throats; and a pewter half- quartern measure, used at the Black Lion, in Wych-street, by Sixteen- string Jack.

There were, likewise, in the collection several interesting relics of humorous felony; such as the snuff-box of the Cock-lane ghostthe stone thrown by Collins at William the Fourths heada copy of Sir Francis Burdens speech, for which he was committed to the Toweran odd black silk glove, worn by Mr. Cotton, the late ordinary of NewgateBarringtons silver tooth-pickand a stay-lace of Miss Julia Newman.

These were but a small portion of the contents of the museum; but I had seen enough to make me sick of the exhibition, and I withdrew with the firm resolution never again, during my life, to enter the house of a Criminal Curiosity Hunter.

X.

ECCENTRICITIES OF THE MINOR DRAMA. We had intended to have arranged, for the use of future syncretics, a system of coincidences, compiled from the plots of those magnificent soul-stirring extravaganzas produced and acted at the modern temples of the dramathe chaste Victoriathe didactic Sadlers Wellsand the tramontane Pavilion: but we have found the subject too vast for comprehension, and must content ourselves with noting some of the more exorbitant and refined instances of genius and hallucination displayed in those mighty works. Among these the following are pre-eminent:

It is a remarkable thing that mothers are always buried on the tops of inaccessible mountains, and that, when it occurs to their afflicted daughters to go and pray at their tombs, they generally choose a particularly inclement night as best adapted for that purpose. It is convenient, too, if any murder took place exactly on the spot, exactly twenty years before, because in that case it is something agreeable to reflect upon and allude to.

It is remarkable that people never lie down but to dream, and that they always dream quite to the purpose, and immediately on having done dreaming, they wake and act upon it.

It is remarkable that young men never know definitely whose sons they are, and generally turn out to belong to the wrong father, and find that they have been falling in love with their sisters, and all that sort of thing.

N.B. Wanted, a new catastrophe for these incidents, as suicide is going out of fashion.

It is remarkable that whenever people are in a particular hurry to be off, they make a point of singing a song to put themselves in spirits, and as an effectual method of concealing their presence from their enemies, who are always close at hand with knives.

It is remarkable that things always go wrong until the last scene, and then there is such hurry and bustle to get them right again, that no one would ever believe it could be done in the time; only they know it must be, and make up their minds to it accordingly.

One word more. Like St. Dunstans feet, which possessed the sacred virtue of self-multiplication, and of which there existed three at one time, it appears to be a prerogative of epithets of the superlative degree to attach themselves to any number of substantives. Thus the most popular comedian of the day is five different menthe most beautiful drama ever produced is two farcesan opera and a tragedyand the most decided hit in the memory of man is the Grecian StatuesThe Wizard of the MoonThe Devils DaughterMartinuzziand The Refuge for the Destitute.

[pg 138] THE WELL-DRESSED AND THE WELL-TO-DO. There has for the last few days been a smile on the face of every well-dressed gentleman, and of every well-to-do artisan, who wend their way along the streets of this vast metropolis. It is caused by the opposition exhibition of Friday night in the House of Commons.

Such is the comfortable announcement of a Tory morning paper,the very incarnation of spiteful imbecility. Such is the self-complacency of the old Tory hag, that in her wildest moments would bite excessively,if she only had teeth. She has, however, in the very simplicity of her smirking, let out the whole secrethas, in the sweet serenity of her satisfaction, revealed the selfishness, the wickedness of her creed. Toryism believes only in the well-dressed and the well-to-do. Purple and fine linen are the instrumental parts of her religion. She subscribes, in fact, to forty-three points; four meals a day being added to her Christian Thirty-nine Articles. Her faith is in glossy raiment and a full belly. She has such a reverence for the loaves and fishes, that in the fulness of her devotion, she would eat themas the author of the Almanach des Gourmands advises the epicure to eat a certain exquisite daintyon her knees. She would die a martyr at the fire;but then it must be lighted in the kitchen.

The parliamentary exhibition which, according to the Sycorax of Toryisma Sycorax with double malice, but no potencyhas set all the well-dressed and well-to-do part of this vast metropolis off in one simultaneous simper, took place on the following motion made by Mr. FIELDEN:

Resolved,That the distress of the working people at the present time is so great through the country, but particularly in the manufacturing districts, that it is the duty of this House to make instant inquiry into the cause and extent of such distress, and devise means to remedy it; and, at all events, to vote no supply of money until such inquiry be made.(Hear, hear.)

This motion was negatived by 149 to 41; and it is to this negative that, according to the avowal of our veracious contemporary, we owe the radiant looks that have lighted up the streets of London for the past few days. In the same sense of the writer, but in the better words of the chorus of Tom Thumb

Nature seemed to wear a universal grin!

It being always premised and settled that the term nature only comprehends the people with sleek coats and full stomachs. Nature abhors a vacuum,therefore has nought to do with empty bellies. Happy are the men whose fate, or better philosophy, has kept them from the turnips and the heatherfortunate mortals, who, banned from the murder of partridges and grouse, have for the last few days of our contemporary, been dwellers in merry London! What exulting faces! What crowds of well- dressed, well-fed Malvolios, smiling at one another, though not cross- gartered! To a man prone to ponder on that many-leaved, that scribbled, blurred and blotted volume, the human face,that mysterious tome printed with care, with cunning and remorse,that thing of lies, and miseries, and hypocritic gladness,that volume, stained with tears, and scribbled over and over with daily wants, and daily sufferings, and daily meannesses;to such a reader who, from the hieroglyphic lines of feigned content, can translate the haggard spirit and the pining heart,to such a man too often depressed and sickened by the contemplation of the carnivorous faces thronging the streets of Londonfaces that look as if they deemed the stream of all human happiness flowed only from the Mint,to such a man, how great the satisfaction, how surpassing the enjoyment of these last few days! As with the Thane of Cawdor, every mans face has been a book; but, alas! luckier than Macbeth, that book has beenJoe Miller!

Every well-dressed gentleman has smiled, but then the source of his satisfaction has been the rags fluttering on the human carcases in the manufacturing districts. Every well-to-do artisan has wended his way along the streets showing his teeth, but then at his own sweet will he can employ those favoured instruments on roast or boiled: hence his smile for those who, gifted with the like weapons, bear them as men bear court swords, for ornament, not use. Alas! the smirk of the well-dressed may be struck into blank astonishment by the fluttering of ragsby a standard of tatters borne by a famine-maddened myriad; the teeth of the dragon want may be sown, and the growth may, as of old, be armed men.

Yet can we wonder at the jocoseness of those arrayed in lawn and broad- clothcan we marvel at the simper of the artisan fresh from his beef and pudding, solaced with tobacco and porter? Surely not; for the smile breaks under the highest patronage; nay, even broad grins would have the noblest warranty, for his Grace the Duke of Wellington has pronounced rags to be the livery only of wilful idlenesshas stamped on the withering brow of destitution the brand of the drunkard. Therefore, clap your hands to your pulpy sides, oh well-dressed, well-to-do London, and disdaining the pettiness of a simper, laugh an ogres laugh at the rags of Manchestergrin like a tickled Polyphemus at the hunger of Bolton!

Our babbling, anile friend, in the very looseness of her prating has let out the truth. Or rathera common custom with hershe has talked in her sleep. Her very weakness has, however, given a point to her revelation.

Diamonds dart their brightest lustre,

from a palsy-shaken head!

In the midst of her snores she has but revealed the plot entered into between those most respectable conspirators, Broad Cloth and Beef, against those old offenders, those incorrigible miscreants, Rags and Want! The confederacy is, to be sure, older than the crucified thieves; but then it has not been so undisguisedly avowed. Broad Cloth has, on the contrary, affected a sympathy with tatters, though with a constancy of purpose has refused an ell from its trailing superfluity to solace the wretchedness; the tears of Beef dropt on the lank abdomen of Starvation, are ancient as post diluvian crocodiles.but it has spared no morsel to the object of its hypocritic sorrow. Now, however, even the decency of deceit is to be dropt, and Broad Cloth is to make sport with the nakedness of the land, and merry Beef is to roar like the bulls of Bashan at the agonies of famine!

As the winter approaches we are promised increasing sources of amusement from the manufacturing districts. What sunny faces will break though the fogs of Novemberwhat giggling will drown the cutting blasts of January! Eschewing the wise relaxation of pantomimes, we shall be taught to consult the commercial reports in the newspapers as the highest and fullest source of salutary laughter. How we shall simper when mills are stoppedhow crow with laughter when whole factories are silent and deserted! How reader(for we acknowledge none who are not well-dressed and well-to-do)how you will scream with joy when banks break!and how consult the list of bankrupts as the very spirit and essence of the most consummate fun. Insolvency shall henceforth be synonymous with reparteeand compositions with creditors practical bons mots.

Oh! reader(but mind, you must, we say, to be our reader, be well- dressed and well-to-do; for though we owe the very paper beneath your eye to rags, we trust we are sufficiently in the mode to laugh contemptuously at such abominations)oh! reader, quit your lighter recreations; seek not for merriment in fictitious humour; it is a poor, unsatisfactory diet, weak and watery; but find substantial drollery from the fluttering of tatterslaugh, and with the crowing joy, grow sleek and lusty at the writhings and the lamentations of want!

We have, however, a recent benevolent instance of the political and social power of dressan instance gathered from the Court of Spain. The organ (or rather barrel-organ of Toryism, for it has only a set number of tunes) which played our opening quotation, also grinds the following:

The Regent Espartero, and the tutor Arguelles, are doing all in their power to keep the young Queen and the Infanta in good humour, encouraging the Princesses in many little indulgences suitable to their age and sex, especially in the article of dress, in which their royal mother was more than inattentive. This line of conduct, coupled with the expected arrival of the Infant, Don Francisco de Paula and his family, who are to be received with every mark of respect, indicates that the present rulers of Spain, aware of their critical situation, wish to strengthen themselves by the support of the great majority of the royal family.

Thus, if the royal family of Spain have an excess of courtesy and benevolence towards the people, such blessings will drop upon them from the fringed petticoats of the little sovereign. Thus curiously considered, may we not trace a bounteous political measure to the lace veil of a Queen, and find a great national benefit in the toe of a slipper?

Happy Spaniards! Give fine clothes to your rulers, and they yearn with benevolence towards the donors. They do not walk about the streets of Madrid, smiling in the strength of their wardrobe at the nakedness of those who have subscribed the bravery. Oh, ye well-dressed gentlemen, and oh, ye well-to-do artisans!be instructed by the new petticoats of Queen Isabella, and smile no at rags and famine.

[pg 139] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. XII. A group of peacocks with men's faces look down on a blackbird with a man's face. THE TORY PEACOCKS AND THE FINSBURY DAW.

[pg 141] TRANSACTIONS OF THE GEOLOGICAL SOCIETY OF HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY. There is not a more interesting science than geology, which, as our readers are aware, treats principally of mud and minerals. The association at Hookham-cum-Snivey has been very active during the summer, and may be said to have been up to its knees in dirt and filth, gravel and gypsum, coal, clay and conglomerate, for a very considerable period.

It having been determined to open a sewer where the old Hookham-road meets with the ancient Roman footpath at Snivey, the junction of which gives name to the modern town, the Geological Association passed a strong resolution, in which it was asserted, that the opportunity had at length arrived for solving the great doubt that had long perplexed the minds of the inhabitants as to whether the soil in the neighbourhood was crustaceous or carboniferous. The crustaceous party had been long triumphing in the fact, that a mouldy piece of bread had been found at two feet below the surface, when digging for the foundation of a swing erected in a garden in the neighbourhood; but the carboniferous enthusiasts had been thrown into ecstacies, by the sexton having come upon a regular strata of undoubted cinders, in clearing out a piece of ground at the back of the parsons residence. Some evil-disposed persons had the malice to say that the spot had been formerly the site of a subsequently-filled-up dusthole; but the crustaceous party, depending as they did upon a single piece of breadall crumb toohowever genuine, could not be said to have so much to go upon as the carboniferous section, with their heap of cinders, the latter being large in quantity, though of doubtful authority.

However, the opening of the sewer was looked forward to with intense interest, as being calculated to decide the great question, and all the principal geologists were on the spot several hours before operations commenced, for the purpose of inspecting the surface of the ground before it was disturbed by the spade and pickaxe of the labourer.

It was found that the earth consisted of an outer coat of dust, amongst which were several stones, varying in size, with here and there a bone picked exceedingly clean, and evidently belonging to a sheep; all of which facts gave promise of most gratifying results to the true lover of geology. At length the labourer came in sight, and was greeted with loud cheers from the crustaceous party, which were ironically echoed by the disciples of the carboniferous school, and a most significant hear, hear, proceeded from an active partisan of the latter class, when the first stroke of the pickaxe proclaimed the commencement of an operation upon which so much was known to depend for the interests of geology. The work had proceeded for some time amid breathless interest, interrupted only by sneers, cheers, jeers, and cries of Oh, oh! or No, no! As the throwing up of a shovelful of earth excited the hopes of one party, or the fears of the other, when a hard substance was struck upon, which caused a thrilling sensation among the bystanders. The pressure of the geologists, all eager to inspect the object that had created so much curiosity, could hardly be restrained, and the president was thrown, with great violence, into the hole that had been dug, from which he was pulled with extraordinary strength of body, and presence of mind, by the honorary treasurer.

The hard substance was found to consist of a piece of iron, of which it appeared a vein, or rather an artery, ran both backwards and forwards from the spot where it was first discovered. The confusion was at its height, for it was supposed a mine had been discovered, and a long altercation ensued; the town-clerk claiming it in the name of the lord of the manor, while the beadle, with a confused idea about mines being royal property, leaped into the hole, and, in the Queens name, took possession of everything. A desperate struggle ensued, in which several geologists were laid straight upon the strata, and were converted into secondary deposits on the surface of the earth; when the lamplighter, coming by, recognised the hard iron substance as the large main of the Equitable Company. It became therefore necessary to relinquish any further investigation on the spot originally chosen, and the matter was postponed to another day, so that the great crustaceous and carboniferous question remains exactly where it did, to the great injury of the harmony and good feeling that has never yet prevailed, though it is hoped it some time or other may prevail, among the inhabitants.

But though public investigation of geological truth is for a time at a stand-still, we are glad to be able to record the following remarkable instance of private enterprise:

A very active member of the associationthe indefatigable Mr. Grubemupdetermined to leave no stone unturned for the purpose of making observations, went out, attended by a single assistant, and made a desperate attempt to turn the mile-stone in the Kensington-road, in the hope of finding some geological facts at the bottom of it. After several hours labour before day-break, to avoid interruption from the police, he succeeded in introducing the point of a pickaxe beneath the base of the stone; and eventually he had the satisfaction of removing it from its position, when he made the following geological observations:He found a primary deposit of dark soil, and, on putting his spectacles to his eyes, he distinctly detected a common worm in a state of high salubrity. This clearly proved to him that there must formerly have been a direct communication between Hookham-cum-Snivey and the town of Kensington, for the worm found beneath the milestone exactly resembled one now in the Hookham-cum-Snivey Museum, and which is known as the vermis communis, or earth-worm, and which has always excited considerable interest among the various visitors. Mr. Grubemup, encouraged by this highly satisfactory result, proceeded to scratch up with his thumb-nail a portion of the soil, and his geological enterprise was speedily rewarded by a fossil of the most interesting character. Upon close inspection it proved to be a highly crystallised rats-tail, from which the geologist inferred that there were rats on the Kensington-road at a much earlier period than milestones. We have not heard that the ingenious gentleman carried his examination further, but in the present state of geology, any contribution to the science, however small, will be thankfully received by the knowledge-loving community.

LAYS OF THE BEAU MONDE. BY THE EDITOR OF THE MORNING POST. I saw at Lord Georges rout,

Amid a blaze of ton;

And such a tournure neer came out

For Maradon Carson!

For who that markd that sylph-like grace

That full Canova hip,

That robe of rich Chantilly lace,

That faultless satin slip,

Could doubt that she would be the belle

To make a thousand waistcoats swell?

I saw her seated by my lord,

As joli comme un ange;

She took some pate perigord.

And after that blanc mange:

A glass of Moyses pink champagne

Lent lustre to ses eux.

And thenI heard a Grisian strain

It was her sweet adieux;

And Imy friend the butler sought,

To slake with stout each burning thought.

METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS. It is at length decided that Aldgate pump is to be painted, but the vestry have not yet determined what the colour is to be. It is thought, to suit the diversity of opinions in the parish cabinet, that it will be painted in a harlequin pattern.

It is seriously contemplated to attempt the removal of the ancient Hot Codlings stand from the west-end of Temple Bar. The old woman who at present occupies the premises is resolved to resist to the utmost so unjust an aggression.

The Corporation of the City of London have, in the most liberal manner, given a plot of ground, eighteen by thirteen and a half-inches, for the erection of a pickled whilks and pennywinkle establishment, at the corner of Newgate-street and the Old Bailey. This will be a valuable boon to the Blue-coat boys, and will tend to cause a brisk influx of loose coppers to this hitherto much-neglected spot.

The disgraceful state of the gutter-grating in Little Distaff-lane has, at length, awakened the attention of the parish authorities. For several days past it has been choked by an accumulation of rubbish, but we are now enabled, on good authority, to state that the parish-beadle has been directed to poke it with his staff, which it is hoped will have the effect of removing the obstruction.

The Commissioners of Woods and Forests have ordered plans and estimates to be laid before them for the erection of a duck-house on the island of the pond in St. Jamess Park.

It has been decided that the exhibition of fancy paper on the boards of the enclosure of Trafalgar-square is to continue open to the public till further notice.

By a recent Act of Parliament, foot passengers crossing Blackfriars- bridge are allowed to walk on whichever side of it they like best.

ERRATA IN THE TIMES. For Sir James Graham denied that he ever changed his friends or his principles, read hanged his friends or his principles.

For Lord John Russell said that he had strenuously endeavoured to keep pace with the march of Reform, read keep place with the march of Reform.

For though Sir Robert Peel is the ostensible head, the Duke of Wellington holds the reins of the present administration, read the Duke of Wellington holds the brains of the present administration.

For Colonel Sibthorp said he despised the man who suffered himself be made the tool of a party, read the fool of a party.

[pg 142] THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT A buccolic scene in a wreath forms a letter O. ur lively neighbours on the opposite side of the Pas de Calais (as they are pleased, in a spirit of patriotic appropriation, to translate the Straits of Dovor), have lately shot off a flight of small literary rockets about Paris, which have exploded joyously in every direction, producing all sorts of fun and merriment, termed Les Physiologiesa series of graphic sketches, embodying various every-day types of characters moving in the French capital. In the same spirit we beg to bring forward the following papers, with the hope that they will meet with an equally favourable reception.

1. THE INTRODUCTORY DISCOURSE. We are about to discuss a subject as critical and important to take up as the abdominal aorta; for should we offend the class we are about to portray, there are fifteen hundred medical students, arrived this week in London, ripe and ready to avenge themselves upon our devoted cranium, which, although hardened throughout its ligneous formation by many blows, would not be proof against their united efforts. And we scarcely know how or where to begin. The instincts and different phases, under which this interesting race appears, are so numerous, that far from complaining of the paucity of materials we have to work upon, we are overwhelmed by mental suggestions, and rapidly-dissolving views, of the various classes from Guys to the London University, from St. Georges to the London Hospital, perpetually crowding upon our brains (if we have any), and rendering our ideas as completely muddled as those of a new man who has, for the first week of October, attended every single lecture in the day, from the commencement of chemistry, at nine in the morning, to the close of surgery, at eight in the evening. Lecture! auspicious word! we have a beginning prompted by the mere sound. We will address you, medical students, according to the style you are most accustomed to.

Gentlemen,Your attention is to be this morning directed to an important part of your course on physiology, which your various professors, at two oclock on Saturday afternoon, will separately tell you is derived from two Greek words, so that we have no occasion to explain its meaning at present. Magendie, Müller, Mayo, Millengen, and various other Ms, have written works upon physiology, affecting the human race generally; you are now requested to listen to the demonstration of one species in particularthe Medical Student of London.

Lay aside your deeper studies, then, and turn for a while to our lighter sketches; forget the globules of the blood in the contemplation of red billiard balls; supplant the tunica arachnoidea of the brain by a gossamer hatthe rete mucosum of the skin by a pea-jacket; the vital fluid by a pot of half-and-half. Call into play the flexor muscles of your arms with boxing-gloves and single-sticks; examine the secreting glands in the shape of kidneys and sweetbreads; demonstrate other theories connected with the human economy in an equally analogous and pleasant manner; lay aside your crib Celsus and Steggalls Manual for our own more enticing pages, and find your various habits therein reflected upon paper, with a truth to nature only exceeded by the artificial man of the same material in the Museum of Kings College. Assume for a time all this joyousness. PUNCH has entered as a pupil at a medical school (he is not at liberty to say which), on purpose to note your propensities, and requests you for a short period to look upon him as one of your own lot. His course will commence next week, and The New Man will be the subject.

A tableau with a tankard, a pipe, cards, etc. MICHAELMAS DAY Every one knows that about this time of the year geese are in their prime, and are particularly good when stuffed with sage; which accounts for the fact, that Sibthorp has made some sage remarks, so that he may not lose by comparison with the foolish birds, with whom he feels a natural sympathy.

We have never been able to discover the connexion between geese and Michaelmas. There is a reason for associating ducks with Midsummer: we can understand the meaning of poultry at Christmas, for birds are appropriate to a period when every one sends in his bill; but why poor St. Michael should be so degradingly associated with a goose is beyond our comprehension, and baffles our ingenuity. If St. Michael had been a tailor, or an actor, or an author, we could have understood how goose might have applied to him; but as he was neither one nor the other, we really are at a loss to conceive why a goose should have become so intimately associated with his name and character.

Among other curious incidents, it may be remarked that, with an instinctive dread of goose, the redoubtable Martinuzzi drew in his horns, just on the eve of Michaelmas, and the Syncretics have just shut up shop in time to avoid the compliments of the season that they had every right and every reason to anticipate would be bestowed, if not with a liberal hand, at least with a lavish mouth, by their audience.

It must be remembered by all the geese against whom PUNCH thinks proper to indulge his wit, that at this season of the year they must expect to be roasted. Upon the whole, however, we have a high respect for the foolish bird, and when it is remembered that the geese saved Rome, we do not think we are wrong in suggesting the possibility of England being yet saved by Lord Coventry, or any other cackler in either house of Parliament.

LAND SHARKS AND SEA GULLS. Admiral Napier observed that retired lawyers got better paid than retired admirals. A gross injustice, as their vocations bear an extraordinary similarity; par exampleboth are attachés of the Fleet: in an action, both know the necessity of being bailed out to prevent swamping. One service is distinguished by its davits, the other by its affidavits; and they are mutually and equally admired for, and known by, their craft. The only difference between them being, that the lawyer serves two mastersthe admiral, invariably, three masters. If the same remark applies to the members of the army-list, as well as to those of the navy and law, we must say that it is an extremely shabby method of

A man picks the pocket of a soldier. RELIEVING GUARD.

LIST OF OUTRAGES. The following list of outrages, recently perpetrated in the vicinity of a notoriously bad house near Westminster Abbey, has not appeared in any of the daily papers:

LORD MELBOURNEfrightfully beaten, and turned out of his house by a gang of Peelites.

LORD JOHN RUSSELLstruck on the head by a large majority, and flung into a quandary.

LORD COTTENHAMtripped up by a well-known member of the swell mob, and robbed of his seals.

MR. ROEBUCKstripped and treated with barbarous inhumanity by a notorious bruiser named the Times. The unfortunate gentleman lies to the present moment speechless from the injuries he has sustained.

LORD NORMANBYstabbed with some sharp instrument, supposed to be Lord Stanleys tongue.

LORD MORPETHstruck in the dark by an original idea, from the effects of which he has not yet recovered.

ROOT AND BRANCH. Roebuck, in complaining of the stigmas cast by the Times upon his pedigree, and vehemently insisting on the character of his family tree, was kindly assisted by Tom Duncombe, who declared the genus indisputable, as nobody could look in Roebucks face without perceiving his family tree must have been the plane-tree.

[pg 143] SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.NO. 8. You say I have forgot the vow

I breathd in days long past;

But had I faithful been, that thou

Hadst loved me to the last.

Without me, een a throne thoudst scorn

With me, contented beg!

False maid! tis not that Im forsworn,

The boots on tother leg.

Amidst the revel thou wast gay,

The blithest with the song!

Though thou believdst me far away,

An exile at Boulogne.