Chapter II: Front Matter (2)

SPECIMEN. CLARE GREY: A NOVEL. Brief let me be. LONDON: Printed and Published for the Author. 1841. VOL. I. Clare GreySweet girlBloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, &c.Tom LeeYoung, gay, but poorLoved Clare madlyClare loved Tom dittoClares pa rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.Smelt a ratDd Tom, and swore at ClareTears, sighs, locks, bolts, and barsLoves schemesBillet-doux from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hopeAnswer (pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-holeFull of hope, despair, love, vowsTom serenadesBad coldRather hoarseWhite kerchief from garret-windowTis Clare! tis Clare!Garden-wall, six feet highLove is rashScale the wallGreat house-dog at homePins Tom by the calfOld Hunks rousedFire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlightsTom caughtMurder, burglaryStation-house, gaol, justiceFudge!Pretty messHeigho!Oh! tis love, &c.Sweet Clare Grey!Seven pages of sentimentLame leg, light purse, heavy heartPshaw!Never mind

Fellow operating a turnstile THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN

VOL. II. Adieu, my native land, &c.D.I.O.We part to meet againDeath or gloryRed coatLaurels and rupees in viewVows of constancy, eternal truth, &cTom swells the brine with tearsClare wipes her eyes in cambricAlas! alack! oh! ah!Fond hearts, doomed to partCruel fate!Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.Tom in battleCut, slash, dashSabres, riflesRound and grape in showersHot workCharge!WhizzBang!Flat as a FlounderNever say diePeaceSweet soundScars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eyeHalf- payHomeHuzza!Swift galesPost-horsesLove, hope, and Clare Grey

A peg-legged, pirate cupid ID BE A BUTTERFLY, &c.

VOL. III. Here we are!At home once moreOld friends and old facesMust be changedNobody knows himChurch bells ringingInquire cause(?)WeddingClare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbrokerBrain whirlsEyes start from socketsDevils and hellClare Grey, the fond, constant, Clare, a jilt?Cant beNo goStump up to churchToo trueClare just made Mrs. SnooksMadness!! rage!!! death!!!!Toms crutch at workSnooks flooredBridesman settledParson boltsClerk mizzlesSalts and shrieksClare in a swoonPa in a funkTragedy speechLove! vengeance! and damnation!Half an ounce of laudanumQuick speechTom unshackles his wooden pinDies like a heroClare pines in secretHops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslinPoor Tom and Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath

A man sitting on a bench next to a tombstone A WEEPING WILL-OH!

LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP. We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:

MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,

Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-millerian principle. The very worst hands are improved in six short and mirthful lessons. As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.

COPY.

The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:

Q. Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which children are affected?

A. Because its a new pink off (an hooping-cough).

This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:

Q. Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?

A. Because the one is for-getting and the other for-giving.

N.B. Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will find Mr. T. Hoods system of incalculable service.

Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea. He has also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.

? A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.

[pg 3] A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF CANT. There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated. It is necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections. The briber, by this means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most advantageously place himself.

It is true that there be able and eloquent writers greatly experienced in this noble science, but none have yet been able so to express it as to bring it (as we hope to have done) within the range of the certain sciences. Henceforward, we trust it will form a part of the public education, and not be subject tot he barbarous modes pursued by illogical though earnest and zealous disciples; and that the great and glorious Constitution that has done so much to bring it to perfection, will, in its turn, be sustained and matured by the exercise of what is really in itself so ancient and beautiful a practice.

VOTING MAY BE CONSIDERED AS 1st. He that hath NOT A VOTE AND VOTETH; which may be considered, 1st. As to his CLAIM, which is divisible into He that voteth for dead men. He that voteth for empty tenements. He that voteth for many men. He that voteth for men in the country, and the like. 2nd. As to his MOTIVE, which is divisible into Because he hath a bet that he will vote. Because he loveth a lark. Because he LOVETH HIS COUNTRY. [Here also may be applied all the predicates under the subjects BRIBING, HUMBUG, and PRINCIPLE.] 2nd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH NOT; which is divisible into 1st. He that is PREVENTED from voting, which is divisible into He who is upset by a bribed coachman. He who is incited into an assault, that he may be put into the cage. He who is driven by a drunken coachman many miles the wrong way. He who is hocussed. He who is sent into the country for a holiday, and the like. 2nd. He that FORFEITETH his vote, which is divisible into He who is too great a philosopher to care for his country. He who has not been solicited. He who drinketh so that he cannot go to the poll. He who is too drunk to speak at the poll. He who through over-zeal getteth his head broken. He who stayeth to finish the bottle, and is too late, and the like. 3rd. He that hath A VOTE AND VOTETH; which is divisible into 1st. He that voteth INTENTIONALLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that voteth CORRUPTLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that is BRIBED, which is divisible into 1st. He that is bribed DIRECTLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that receiveth MONEY, which may be considered as He that pretendeth the money is due to him. He that pretendeth it is lent. He who receiveth it as alms. He who receiveth it as the price of a venerated tobacco-pipe, a piece of Irish bacon, and the like. 2nd. He that seeketh PLACE, which may be considered as He who asketh for a high situation, as a judgeship in Botany Bay, or a bishopric in Sierra Leone, and the like. He who asketh for a low situation, as a ticket-porter, curate, and the like. He who asketh for any situation he can get, as Secretary to the Admiralty, policeman, revising barrister, turnkey, chaplain, mail-coach guard, and the like. 3rd. He that taketh DRINK, which may be considered as He that voteth for Walkers Gooseberry, or Electors Sparkling Champagne. For sloe-juice, or Electors fine old crusted Port. He who voteth for Bretts British Brandy, or Electors real French Cognac. He who voteth for quassia, molasses, copperas, coculus Indicus, Spanish juice, or Electors Extra Double Stout. 2nd. He that is bribed INDIRECTLY, as He who is promised a government contract for wax, wafers, or the like. He who getteth a contract, for paupers clothing, building unions, and the like. He who furnisheth the barouches-and-four for the independent 40s. freeholders. He who is presented with cigars, snuffs, meerschaum-pipes, haunches of venison, Stilton-cheeses, fresh pork, pine-apples, early peas, and the like. 2nd. He that is INTIMIDATED, as By his landlord, who soliciteth back rent, or giveth him notice to quit. By his patron, who sayeth they of the opposite politics cannot be trusted. By his master, who sayeth he keepeth no viper of an opposite opinion in his employ. By his wife, who will have her own way in hysterics. By his intended bride, who talketh of men of spirit and Gretna Green. By a rich customer, who sendeth back his goods, and biddeth him be dd. 3rd. He that is VOLUNTARILY CORRUPT, which may be considered as He who voteth from the hope that his party will provide him a place. He who voteth to please one who can leave him a legacy. He who voteth to get into genteel society. He who voteth according as he hath taken the odds. He who, being a schoolmaster, voteth for the candidate with a large family. He who voteth in hopes posterity may think him a patriot. 2nd. He that voteth CONSCIENTIOUSLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that voteth according to HUMBUG, which is divisible into 1st. He that is POLITICALLY humbugged, which is divisible into 1st. He has SOME BRAINS, as He who believeth taxes will be taken off. He who believeth wages will be raised. He who thinketh trade will be increased. He who studieth political economy. He who readeth newspapers, reviews, and magazines, and listeneth to lectures, and the like. 2nd. He that has NO BRAINS, as He who voteth to support the glorious Constitution, and maintain the envy of surrounding nations. He who believeth the less the taxation the greater the revenue. He who attendeth the Crown and Anchor meetings, and the like. 2nd. He that is MORALLY humbugged, as He who thinketh the Millennium and the Rads will come in together. He who thinketh that the Whigs are patriots. That the Tories love the poor. That the member troubleth himself solely for the good of his country. That the unions are popular with the paupers, and the like. 3rd. He that is DOMESTICALLY humbugged, as He who voteth because the candidates ribbons suit his wifes complexion. Because his wife was addressed as his daughter by the canvasser. Because his wife had the candidates carriage to make calls in, and the like. Because his daughter was presented with a set of the Prince Albert Quadrilles. Because the candidate promised to stand godfather to his last infant, and the like. 2nd. He that voteth according to PRINCIPLE, which is divisible into 1st. He whose principles are HEREDITARY, as He who voteth on one side because his father always voted on the same. Because the Wrong-heads and the like had always sat for the county. Because he hath kindred with an ancient political hero, such as Jack Cade, Hampden, the Pretender, &c., and so must maintain his principle. Because his mother quartereth the Arms of the candidate, and the like. 2nd. He whose principles are CONVENTIONAL, as He who voteth because the candidate keepeth a pack of hounds. Because he was once insulted by a scoundrel of the same name as the opposite candidate. Because the candidate is of a noble family. Because the candidate laid the first brick of Zion Chapel, and the like. Because he knoweth the candidates cousin. Because the candidate directed to himEsq. 3rd. He whose principles are PHILOSOPHICAL, which may be considered as 1st. He that is IMPARTIAL, as He that voteth on both sides. Because he tossed up with himself. He who loveth the majority and therefore voteth for him who hath most votes. Because he is asked to vote one way, and so voteth the other, to show that he is not influenced. Because he hateth the multitude, and so voteth against the popular candidate. 2nd. He that is INDEPENDENT, as He who cannot be trusted. He who taketh money from one side, and voteth on the other. He who is not worth bribing. He who voteth against his own opinion, because his letter was not answered. He who, being promised a place last election, was deceived, and the like. 2nd. He that voteth ACCIDENTALLY, which is divisible into 1st. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF HIMSELF, which may be considered as He who is drunk, and forgetteth who gave him the bribe. He who goeth to the wrong agent, who leadeth him astray. He who is confused and giveth the wrong name. He who is bashful, and assenteth to any name suggested. He who promiseth both parties, and voteth for all the candidates, and the like. 2nd. He that voteth through the BLUNDERS OF OTHERS, which may be considered as He who is mistaken for his servant when he is canvassed, and so incensed into voting the opposite way. He who is attempted to be bribed before many people, and so outraged into honesty. He who hath too much court paid by the canvasser to his wife, and so, out of jealousy, voteth for the opposite candidate. He who is called down from dinner to be canvassed, and being enraged thereat, voteth against his conviction. He who bringeth the fourth seat in a hackney-coach to him who keepeth a carriage and the like. [pg 4] THE PROFESSIONAL SINGER Have any of PUNCHS readers ever met one of the above genusor rather, have they not? They must; for the race is imbued with the most persevering hic et ubique powers. Like the old mole, these Truepennies work i th dark: at the Theatres, the Opera, the Coal Hole, the Cider Cellars, and the whole of the Grecian, Roman, British, Cambrian, Eagle, Lion, Apollo, Domestic, Foreign, Zoological, and Mythological Saloons, they most do congregate. Once set your eyes upon them, once become acquainted with their habits and manners, and then mistake them if you can. They are themselves, alone: like the London dustmen, the Nemarket jockeys, the peripatetic venders, or buyers of old clo, or the Albert continuations at one pound one, they appear to be made to measure for the same. We must now describe them (to speak theatrically) with decorations, scenes, and properties! The entirely new dresses of a theatre are like the habiliments of the professional singer, i.e. neither one nor the other ever were entirely new, and never will be allowed to grow entirely old. The double-milled Saxony of these worthies is generally very blue or very brown; the cut whereof sets a man of a contemplative turn of mind wondering at what precise date those tails were worn, and vainly speculating on the probabilities of their being fearfully indigestible, as that alone could to long have kept them from Times remorseless maw. The collars are always velvet, and always greasy. There is a slight ostentation manifested in the seams, the stitches whereof are so apparent as to induce the beholders to believe they must have been the handiwork of some cherished friend, whose labours ought not to be entombed beneath the superstructure. The buttons!oh, for a pen of steam to write upon those buttons! They, indeed, are the aristocracythe yellow turbans, the sun, moon, and stars of the woollen system! They have nothing in common with the coatthey are on it, and thats allthey have no further communionthey decline the button-holes, and eschew all right to labour for their livingthey announce themselves as the last new fashionthey sparkle for a week, retire to their silver paper, make way for the new comers, and, years after, like the Sleeping Beauty, rush to life in all their pristine splendour, and find (save in the treble-gilt aodication and their own accession) the coat, the immortal coat, unchanged! The waistcoat is of a material known only to themselvesa sort of nightmare illusion of velvet, covered with a slight tracery of refined mortar, curiously picked out and guarded with a nondescript collection of the very greenest green pellets of hyson-bloom gunpowder tea. The buttons (things of use in this garment) describe the figure and proportions of a large turbot. They consist of two rows (leaving imagination to fill up a lapse of the absent), commencing, to all appearance, at the small of the back, and reaching down even to the hem of the garment, which is invariably a double-breasted one, made upon the good old dining-out principle of leaving plenty of room in the victualling department. To complete the catalogue of raiment, the untalkaboutables have so little right to the name of drab, that it would cause a controversy on the point. Perhaps nothing in life can more exquisitely illustrate the Desdemona feeling of divided duty, than the portion of manufactured calf-skin appropriated to the peripatetic purposes of these gentry; they are, in point of fact, invariably that description of mud-markers known in the purlieus of Liecester-square, and at all denominations of bootsgreat, little, red, and yellowas eight-and-sixpenny Bluchers. But the afore-mentioned drabs are strapped down with such pertinacity as to leave the observer in extreme doubt whether the Prussian hero of that name is their legitimate sponsor, or the glorious Wellington of our own sea-girt isle. Indeed, it has been rumoured that (as there never was a pair of either of the illustrious heroes) these gentlemen, for the sake of consistency, invariably perambulate in one of each. We scarcely know whether it be so or notwe merely relate what we have heard; but we incline to the two Bluchers, because of the eight-and-six. The only additional expense likely to add any emolument to the tanners interest (we mean no pun) is the immense extent of sixpenny straps generally worn. These are described by a friend of ours as belonging to the great class of coaxers; and their exertions in bringing (as a nautical man would say) the trowsers to bear at all, is worthy of notice. There is a legend extant (a veritable legend, which emanated from one of the fraternity who had been engaged three weeks at her Majestys theatre, as one of twenty in an unknown chorus, the chief peculiarity of the affair being the close approximation of some of his principal foreign words to Tol de rol, and Fal the ral ra), in which it was asserted, that from a violent quarrel with a person in the grass-bleached line, the body corporate determined to avoid any unnecessary use of that commodity. In the way of wristbands, the malice of the above void is beautifully nullified, inasmuch as the most prosperous linen-draper could never wish to have less linen on hand. As we are describing the genus in black and white, we may as well state at once, those are the colours generally casing the throats from whence their sweet sounds issue; these ties are garnished with union pins, whose strong mosaic tendency would, in the Catholic days of Spain (had they been residents), have consigned them to the lowest dungeons of the Inquisition, and favoured them with an exit from this breathing world, amid all the uncomfortable pomp of an auto- da-fe.

It is a fact on record, that no one of the body ever had a cold in his head; and this peculiarity, we presume, exempts them from carrying pocket-handkerchiefs, a superfluity we never witnessed in their hands, though they indulge in snuff-boxes which assume the miniture form of French plum-cases, richly embossed, with something round the edges about as much in proportion to the box as eighteen insides are to a small tax- cart. This testimonial is generally (as the engraved inscription purports) given by several gentlemen (who are, unfortunately, in these instances, always anonymouswhich circumstance, as they are invariably described as admirers of talent, is much to be regretted, and, we trust, will soon be rectified). We believe, like the immortal Jack Falstaff, they were each born at four oclock of the morning, with a bald head, and something of a round belly; certain it is, they are universally thin in the hair, and exhibit strong manifestation of obesity.

The further marks of identity consist in a ring very variously chased, and the infallible insignia of a tuning-fork: without this no professional singer does or can exist. The thing has been tried, and found a failure. Its uses are remarkable and various: like the deaths- head and cross-bones of the pirates, or the wand, globe, and beard of the conjuror, it is their sure and unvarying sign. We have in our minds eye one of the species even nowwe see him coquetting with the fork, compressing it with gentle fondness, and then (that all senses may be called into requisition) resting it against his eye-tooth to catch the proper tone. Should this be the prelude to his own professional performance, we see it returned, with a look of profound wisdom, to the right-hand depository of the nondescript and imaginary velvet double- breasterwe follow his eyes, till, with peculiar fascination, they fix upon the far-off cornice of the most distant corner of the smoke-embued apartmentwe perceive the extension of the dexter hand employed in innocent dalliance with the well-sucked peel of a quarter of an orange, whilst the left is employed with the links of what would be a watch- guard, if the professional singer had a watch. We hear the three distinct hemsoblivion for a moment seizes usthe glasses jingletwo auctioneers hammers astonish the mahoganyseveral dirty hands are brought in violent and noisy contactwe are near a friend of the vocalistour glass of gin-and-water (literally warm without) empties itself over our lower extremities, instigated thereto by the gymnastic performances of the said zealous friendand with an exclamation that, were Mawworn present, would cost us a shilling, we find the professional singer has concluded, and is half stooping to the applause, and half lifting his diligently-stirred grog, gulping down the creature comfort with infinite satisfaction.

There goes the hammer again! (Rubins has a sinecure compared to that fat man). A glee, gents!a glee!Ah! there they arethree coatsthree collarsHeaven knows how many buttons!three bald heads, three stout stomachs, three mouths, stuffed with three tuning-forks, nodding and conferring with a degree of mystery worthy of three Guy Faux.What is the subject?

Hail smilig born.

Thats a good guess! By the way, the vulgar notion of singing ensemble is totally exploded by these gentryeach professional singer, as a professional singer, sings his very loudest, in justice to himself; if his brethren want physical power, thats no fault of his, he dont. Professional singers indulge in small portions of classic lore: among the necessary acquirements is, Non nobis, &c. &c.; that is, they consider they ought to know the airs. The words are generally delivered as follows:Dondobisdobyde. A clear enunciation is not much cultivated among the clever in this line.

In addition to the few particulars above, it may be as well to mention, they treat all tavern-waiters with great respect, which is more Christian-like, as the said waiters never return the samesit anywhere, just to accommodateeat everything, to prove they have no squeamish partialitiesknow to a toothful what a bottom of brandy should bethe exact quantity they may drink, free gratis, and the most likely victim to drop upon for any further nourishment they may require. Their acquirements in the musical world are rendered clear, by the important information that Harry Phillips knows what hes aboutWeber was up to a thing or two. A baritone aint the sort of thing for tenor music: and when they sung with some man (nobody ever heard of), they showed him the difference, and wouldnt mindA cigar? Thank you, sir!seldom smokeput it in my pocket(aside) that makes a dozen! Your good health, sir!dont dislike cold, though I generally take it warmdidnt mean that as a hint, but, since you have ordered it, Ill give you a toastHeresTHE PROFESSIONAL SINGER!

FUSBOS.

AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC. ??S ?? ???? ?????. Bards of old have sung the vine

Such a theme shall neer be mine;

Weaker strains to me belong,

Pæans sung to thee, Souchong!

What though I may never sip

Rubies from my tea-cups lip;

Do not milky pearls combine

In this steaming cup of mine?

What though round my youthful brow

I neer twine the myrtles bough?

For such wreaths my soul neer grieves.

Whilst I own my Twankays leaves.

Though for me no altar burns,

Kettles boil and bubbleurns

In each fane, where I adore

What should mortal ask for more!

I for Pidding, Bacchus fly,

Howqua shall my cup supply;

Ill neer ask for amphoræ,

Whilst my tea-pot yields me tea.

Then, perchance, above my grave,

Blooming Hyson sprigs may wave;

And some stately sugar-cane,

There may spring to life again:

Bright-eyed maidens then may meet,

To quaff the herb and suck the sweet.

[pg 5] A CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO HACKNEY-COACH HORSES. KINDLY COMMUNICATED BY OUR DOG TOBY. DEAR SIR,I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel, thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master, for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my paw by a spaniel that lives as pet- dog in a noblemans family. Lawk, sir! what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn author?

I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with dialectwhat a face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as hollow as the big drum, but warnt half so round and noisy. You cant have dwindled down to that, surely! I couldnt bear to see your hump and pars pendula (thats dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and titivated out in msty-fusty toggeryIm sure I couldnt! The very thought of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.

I whined like any thing, calling to my missusfor you must know that Ive married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. Vixen, says I, heres the poor old governor up at lastI knew that Police Act would drive him to something desperate.

Why he hasnt hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest! exclaimed Mrs. T.

Worse nor that, says I; hes turned author, and in course is stewed up in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year, when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the police dont want nothing to do to warm em, and consequentially sees no harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. Its very hawful.

Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I knowd shed something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her. Toby, says she, go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort him to larrup you a little.

Very well, says I, Ill be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for supper, should any come out while Im gone; and if you can get the puppies to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you. Saying which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestrahe as could only play Jim Crow and the Soldier Tired. Thinks I, I may as well pass the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney- coach he was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab- horse. Whilst I was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the wehicle make the following remark:

OFF-SIDE HORSE(twisting his tail about like anything)Curse the flies!

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.You may say that. Ive had one fellow tickling me this half-hour.

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually penetrates my vertebra.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Werterbee! Whats that?

OFF-SIDE HORSE(impatiently).The spine, my friend (whish! whish!)

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Ah! it is a shameful thing to dock us as they does. If the marrow in ones backbone should melt, it would be sartin to run out at the tip of ones tail. I say, hows your feed?

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Very indifferentthe chaff predominates(munch) not bene by any means.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied if theyd only make it oaty now and then. How long have you been in the hackney line?

OFF-SIDE HORSE.I have occupied my present degraded position about two years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever come to this.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Ah! it aint very respectable, is it?especially since the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?you look as if you had been well brought up.

OFF-SIDE HORSE.My mama was own sister to Lottery, but unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign Dashard.

NEAR-SIDE HORSEBless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out Id a splint, and wouldnt have me! I say, aint that stout woman with a fat family looking at us?

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Im afraid she is. People of her grade in society are always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.

NEAR-SIDE HORSEAy, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or Mutton-hill, or a hill somewhere.

WOMAN.Coach!

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Shes ahailing us! I wonder whether shes narvous? Ill let out with my hind leg a bit(kick)O Lord! the rheumatiz!

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Pray dont. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a thoroughbred.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Thoroughbred? I like that! Havent you just acknowledged that you were a cocktail? Thank God! shes moving on. Hallo! theres old Readypenny!a willanous Tory.

OFF-SIDE HORSE.I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.And I beg to remark that mine isnt. I sarved Readypenny out at Westminster lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to the poll, and I wouldnt draw an inch. I warnt agoing to take up a plumper for Rous.

OFF-SIDE HORSE.I declare the obese female returns.

WOMAN.Coach! Hallo! Coach!

WATERMAN.Here you is, maam. Kuck! kuck! kuck!Come along!(Pulling the coach and horses).

OFF-SIDE HORSE.O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will pull my head off.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.

WATERMANCome up, you old brute!

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Old brute! What evidence of a low mind![The stout woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach].

COACH.O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!O law! Week! week!

NEAR-SIDE HORSEDo you hear how the poor old things a sufferin?She must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch dont breakshe has been crazy a long time.

WATERMAN.Snow-hillopposite the Saracens Head.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.I knowd it!

COACHMAN.Kuck! kuck!

WHIP.Whack! whack!

OFF-SIDE HORSE.Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may save us from flagellation.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Well, Im pulling, aint I?

OFF-SIDE HORSE.I dont like to dispute your word; but(whack)Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.A raw you mean. Whos not pulling now, I should like to know!

OFF-SIDE HORSE.I couldnt help hopping then; you know what a grease I have in my hind leg.

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Well, havent I a splint and a corn, and aint one of my fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?

WOMAN.Stop! stop!

COACHMAN.Whoo up!dn you!

OFF-SIDE HORSE.There goes my last masticator!

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.And Im blowd if he hasnt jerked my head so that hes given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we shall save the hill.

WOMAN.Three doors higher up.

COACHMAN.Chuck! chuck!

WHIP.Whack! whack!

COACHMAN.Come up, you varmint!

OFF-SIDE HORSEVarmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O Pegasus! what shall I come to next!

NEAR-SIDE HORSE.Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!

The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking me by the scruff of my neck if I aint pretty regular in my hours.

Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.

COURT CIRCULAR. Communicated exclusively to this Journal by MASTER JONES, whose services we have succeeded in retaining, though opposed by the enlightened manager of a metropolitan theatre, whose anxiety to advance the interest of the drama is only equalled by his ignorance of the means.

Since the dissolution of Parliament, Lord Melbourne has confined himself entirely to stews.

Stalls have been fitted up in the Royal nursery for the reception of two Alderney cows, preparatory to the weaning of the infant Princess; which delicate duty Mrs. Lilly commences on Monday next.

Sir Robert Peel has been seen several times this week in close consultation with the chief cook. Has he been offered the premiership?

Mr. Moreton Dyer, the amateur turner, has been a frequent visitor at the palace of late. Palmerston, it is whispered, has been receiving lessons in the art. We are surprised to hear this, for we always considered his lordship a Talleyrand in turning.

A QUARTER-DAY COGITATION. (WRITTEN ON THE BACK OF A NOTED TAILORS BILL.) By winters chill the fragrant flower is nippd,

To be new-clothed with brighter tints in spring;

The blasted tree of verdant leaves is strippd,

A fresher foliage on each branch to bring;

The aërial songster moults his plumerie,

To vie in sleekness with each featherd brother:

A twelvemonths wear hath taen thy nap from thee,

My seedy coat!When shall I get another?

NOTE.Confiding tailors are entreated to send their addresses, pre-paid, to PUNCHS office.

P.S.None need apply who refuse three years acceptances. If the bills be made renewable, by agreement, continuations will be taken in any quantity.FITZROY FIPS.

[pg 6] STREET POLITICS. A DRAMATIC DIALOGUE BETWEEN PUNCH AND HIS STAGE MANAGER. (Enter PUNCH.)

PUNCH.R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?

(Sings.)

Wheel about and turn about,

And do jes so;

Ebery time I turn about,

I jump Jim Crow.

MANAGER.Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.

PUNCH.Yes, yes; Ive been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. Im an M.P. now.

MANAGER.An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.

THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!

PUNCH.Fact, upon my honour. Im at this moment an unit in the collective stupidity of the nation.

DOG TOBY.R-r-r-r-r-rwoughwough!

PUNCH.Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a legislator before, that he barks at me so?

MANAGER.A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho! ho! ho!

PUNCH.My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more blockheads than mine in St. Stephens, I can tell you. And as for oratory, why I flatter my whiskers Ill astonish them in that line.

MANAGER.But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH.Id have you know, sir, Im above having any principles but those that put money in my pocket.

MANAGER.I mean on what interest did you start?

PUNCH.On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble feeling that a public man can entertain.

MANAGER.Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as a Whig or a Tory?

PUNCH.As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry, beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and

THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wough, wough!

MANAGER.Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.

PUNCH.So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the opposition bus.

MANAGER.-But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH.Where every politicians is, sirin my breeches pocket.

MANAGER.And your consistency, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH.What a green chap you are, after all. A public mans consistency! Its only a popular delusion, sir. Ill tell you whats consistency, sir. When one gentlemans in and wont come out, and when another gentlemans out and cant get in, and when both gentlemen persevere in their determinationthats consistency.

MANAGER.I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public man to

PUNCH.(sings)

Wheel about and turn about, And do jes so; Ebery time he turn about, He jumps Jim Crow.

MANAGER.Then it is your opinion that the prospects of the Whigs are not very flattering?

PUNCH.Tis all up with them, as the young lady remarked when Mr. Green and his friends left Wauxhall in the balloon; they havent a chance. The election returns are against them everywhere. England deserts themIreland fails themScotland alone sticks with national attachment to their backs, like a

THE DOG TOBY.Bow, wow, wow, wough!

MANAGER.Of course, then, the Tories will take office?

PUNCH.I rayther suspect they will. Have they not been licking their chops for ten years outside the Treasury door, while the sneaking Whigs were helping themselves to all the fat tit-bits within? Have they not growled and snarled all the while, and proved by their barking that they were the fittest guardians of the country? Have they not wept over the decay of our ancient and venerable constitution? And have they not promised and vowed, the moment they got into office, that they wouldSend round the hat.

MANAGER.Very good, Mr. Punch; but I should like to know what the Tories mean to do about the corn-laws? Will they give the people cheap food?

PUNCH.No, but theyll give them cheap drink. Theyll throw open the Thames for the use of the temperance societies.

MANAGER.But if we dont have cheap corn, our trade must be destroyed, our factories will be closed, and our mills left idle.

PUNCH.There youre wrong. Our tread-mills will be in constant work; and, though our factories should be empty, our prisons will be quite full.

MANAGER.Thats all very well, Mr. Punch; but the people will grumble a leetle if you starve them.

PUNCH.Ay, hang them, so they will; the populace have no idea of being grateful for benefits. Talk of starvation! Pooh!Ive studied political economy in a workhouse, and I know what it means. Theyve got a fine plan in those workhouses for feeding the poor devils. They do it on the homoeopathic system, by administering to them oatmeal porridge in infinitessimal doses; but some of the paupers have such proud stomachs that they object to the diet, and actually die through spite and villany. Oh! tis a dreadful world for ingratitude! But never mindSend round the hat.

MANAGER.What is the meaning of the sliding scale, Mr. Punch?

PUNCH.It meanswhen a man has got nothing for breakfast, he may slide his breakfast into his lunch; then, if he has got nothing for lunch, he may slide that into his dinner; and if he labours under the same difficulties with respect to the dinner, he may slide all three meals into his supper.

MANAGER.But if the man has got no supper?

PUNCH.Then let him wish he may get it.

MANAGER.Oh! thats your sliding scale?

PUNCH.Yes; and a very ingenious invention it is for the suppression of victuals. R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit! Send round the hat.

MANAGER.At this rate, Mr. Punch, I suppose you would not be favourable to free trade?

PUNCH.Certainly not, sir. Free trade is one of your new-fangled notions that mean nothing but free plunder. Ill illustrate my position. Im a boy in a school, with a bag of apples, which, being the only apples on my form, I naturally sell at a penny a-piece, and so look forward to pulling in a considerable quantity of browns, when a boy from another form, with a bigger bag of apples, comes and sells his at three for a penny, which, of course, knocks up my trade.

MANAGER.But it benefits the community, Mr. Punch.

PUNCH.Dn the community! I know of no community but PUNCH and Co. Im for centralizationand individualizationevery man for himself, and PUNCH for us all! Only let me catch any rascal bringing his apples to my form, and see how Ill cobb him. So nowsend round the hatand three cheers for

PUNCHS POLITICS. SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. No. 1. O Reveal, thou fay- like stranger,

Why this lonely path you seek;

Every step is fraught with danger

Unto one so fair and meek.

Where are they that should protect thee

In this darkling hour of doubt?

Love could never thus neglect thee!

Does your mother know youre out?

Why so pensive, Peri-maiden?

Pearly tears bedim thine eyes!

Sure thine heart is overladen,

When each breath is fraught with sighs.

Say, hath care lifes heaven clouded,

Which hopes stars were wont to spangle?

What hath all thy gladness shrouded?

Has your mother sold her mangle?

A PUBLIC CONVENIENCE. We are requested to state, by the Marquis of W, that, for the convenience of the public, he has put down one of his carriages, and given orders to Pearce, of Long-acre, for the construction of an easy and elegant stretcher.

[pg 7] CANDIDATES UNDER DIFFERENT PHASES A series of vignettes with candidates: CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life CANVASSING. What a love of a child THE DEPUTATION. If you think me worthy THE SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE. Constituents--rascals THE HUSTINGS. Don't mention it I beg THE PUBLIC DINNER. The proudest moment of my life

[pg 9] FINE ARTS. PUNCH begs most solemnly to assure his friends and the artists in general, that should the violent cold with which he has been from time immemorial afflicted, and which, although it has caused his voice to appear like an infant Lablache screaming through horse-hair and thistles, yet has not very materially affected him otherwiseshould it not deprive him of existenceplease Gog and Magog, he will, next season, visit every exhibition of modern art as soon as the pictures are hung; and further, that he will most unequivocally be down with his coup de baton upon every unfortunate nob requiring his peculiar attention.

That he independently rejects the principles upon which these matters are generally conducted, he trusts this will be taken as an assurance: should the handsomest likeness-taker gratuitously offer to paint PUNCHS portrait in any of the most favourite and fashionable styles, from the purest production of the general mourning schooland all performed by scissarsto the exquisitely gay works of the President of the Royal Academy, even though his Presidentship offer to do the nose with real carmine, and throw Judy and the little one into the back-ground, PUNCH would not give him a single eulogistic syllable unmerited. A word to the landscape and other perpetrators: none of your little bits for PUNCHnone of your insinuating cabinet gemsno Art-ful Union system of doing thingsHopkins to praise for one reason, Popkins to censure for anotherand as PUNCH has been poking his nose into numberless unseen corners, and, notwithstanding its indisputable dimensions, has managed to screen it from observation, he has thereby smelt out several pretty little affairs, which shall in due time be exhibited and explained in front of his proscenium, for special amusement. In the mean time, to prove that PUNCH is tolerably well up in this line of pseudo-criticism, he has prepared the following description of the private view of either the Royal Academy or the Suffolk-street Gallery, or the British Institution, for 1842, for the lovers of this very light style of reading; and to make it as truly applicable to the various specimens of art forming the collection or collections alluded to, he has done it after the peculiar manner practised by the talented conductor of a journal purporting to be exclusively set apart to that effort. To illustrate with what strict attention to the nature of the subject chosen, and what an intimate knowledge of technicalities the writer above alluded to displays, and with what consummate skill he blends those peculiarities, the reader will have the kindness to attach the criticism to either of the works (hereunder catalogued) most agreeably to his fancy. It will be, moreover, shown that this is a thoroughly impartial way of performing the operation of soft anointment.

THE UNERRING FOR PORTRAITS ONLY: Portrait of the miscreant who attempted to assassinate Mr. Macreath. The head is extremely well painted, and the light and shade distributed with the artist's usual judgement. VALENTINE VERMILION. Portrait of His Majesty the King of Hanover. BY THE SAME. Portrait of the boy who got into Buckingham Palace. GEOFFERY GLAZEM. OR THUS: Portrait of Lord John Russell. An admirable likeness of the original, and executed with that breadth and clearness so apparent in this clever painter's works. BY THE SAME. Portrait of W. Grumbletone, Esq., in the character of Joseph Surface. PETER PALETTE. Portrait of Sir Robert Peel BY THE SAME. OR THUS: Portrait of the Empress of Russia. A well-drawn and brilliantly painted portrait, calculated to sustain the fame already gained by this our favourite painter. VANDYKE BROWN. Portrait of the infant Princess. BY THE SAME. Portrait of Mary Mumblegums, aged 170 years. BY THE SAME. THE UNERRING FOR EVERY SUBJECT: The Death of Abel. This picture is well arranged and coloured with much truth to nature; the chiaro-scuro is admirably managed. MICHAEL McGUELP. Dead Game. THOMAS TICKLEPENCIL. Vesuvius in Eruption. CHARLES CARMINE, R.A. Portraits of Mrs. Punch and Child. R.W. BUSS. Cattle returning from the Watering Place. R. BOLLOCK. OR THUS: "We won't go home till Morning." M. WATERFORD, R.H.S. This is one of the cleverest productions in the Exhibition; there is a transparency in the shadows equal to Rembrandt. The infant Cupid sleeping. R. DADD. Portrait of Lord Palmerston. A.L.L. UPTON. Coast Scene: Smugglers on the look out. H. PARKER. Portrait of Captain Rous, M.P. J. WOOD. Should the friends of any of the artists deem the praise a little too oily, they can easily add such a tag as the following:In our humble judgment, a little more delicacy of handling would not be altogether out of place; or, Beautiful as the work under notice decidedly is, we recollect to have received perhaps as much gratification in viewing previous productions by the same.

FOR THE HALF CONDEMNED: This artist is, we much fear, on the decline; we no longer see the vigour of handling and smartness of conception formerly apparent in his works: or, A little stricter attention to drawing, as well as composition, would render this artists works more recommendatory.

THE TOTALLY CONDEMNED: Either of the following, taken conjointly or separately: A perfect daub, possessing not one single quality necessary to create even the slightest interesta disgrace to the Exhibitionwho allowed such a wretched production to disgrace these walls?woefully out of drawing, and as badly coloured, and such like.

A COMMENTARY ON THE ELECTIONS. BY THE BEADLE OF SOMERSET HOUSE. Well, lawks-a-day! things seem going on uncommon queer,

For they say that the Tories are bowling out the Whigs almost everywhere;

And the blazing red of my beadles coat is turning to pink through fear,

Lest I should find myself and staff out of Office some time about the end of the year.

Ive done nothing so long but stand under the magnificent portico

Of Somerset House, that I dont know what I should do if I was for to go!

What the electors are at, I cant make out, upon my soul,

For its a law of natur that the whig should be atop of the poll.

Ive had a snug berth of it here for some time, and dont want to cut the connexion;

But they do say the Whigs must go out, because theyve NO OTHER ELECTION;

What they mean by that, I dont know, for aint they been electioneering

That is, theyve been canvassing, and spouting, and pledging, and ginning, and beering.

Hasnt Crawford and Pattison, Lyall, Masterman, Wood, and Lord John Russell,

For ever so long been keeping the Great Metropolis in one alarming bussel?

Aint the two first retired into private life(thats the genteel for being rejected)?

And whats more, the last four, strange to say, have all been elected.

Then Finsbury Tom and Mr. Wakley, as wears his hair all over his coat collar,

Havnt they frightened Mr. Tooke, who once said he could beat them Hollar?

Then at Lambeth, aint Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Cabbell been both on em bottled

By Mr. DEyncourt and Mr. Hawes, who makes soap yellow and mottled!

And hasnt Sir Benjamin Hall, and the gallant Commodore Napier,

Made such a cabal with Cabbell and Hamilton as would make any chap queer?

Whilst Sankey, who was backed by a Cleave-r for Marrowbone looks cranky,

Acos the electors, like lisping babbies, cried out No Sankee?

Then Southark has sent Alderman Humphrey and Mr. B. Wood,

Who has promised, that if ever a member of parliament did his dutyhe would!

Then for the Tower Hamlets, Robinson, Hutchinson, and Thompson, find that theyre in the wrong box,

For the electors, though turned to Clay, still gallantly followed the Fox;

Whilst Westminsters chosen Rousnot Rouse of the Eagletho I once seed a

Picture where there was a great big bird, very like a goose, along with a Leda.

And hasnt Sir Robert Peel and Mr. ACourt been down to Tamworth to be reseated?

They ought to get an act of parliament to save them such fatigue, for its alwaysditto repeated.

Whilst at Leeds, Beckett and Aldam have put Lord Jocelyn into a considerable fume,

Who finds it no go, though hes added up the poll-books several times with the calculating boy, Joe Hume.

So if theres been no other election, I should like to find out

What all the late squibbing and fibbing, placarding, and blackguarding, losing and winning, beering and ginning, and every other et cetera, has been about!

TO THE BLACK-BALLED OF THE UNITED SERVICE. Black bottles at Brighton,

To darken your fame;

Black Sundays at Hounslow,

To add to your shame.

Black balls at the club,

Show Lord Hills growing duller:

He should change your command

To the guards of that colour.

[pg 10] ON THE INTRODUCTION OF PANTOMIME INTO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. A man thumbing his nose Englishit has been remarked a thousand and odd timesis one of the few languages which is unaccompanied with gesticulation. Your veritable Englishman, in his discourse, is as chary as your genuine Frenchman is prodigal, of action. The one speaks like an oracle, the other like a telegraph.

Mr. Brown narrates the death of a poor widower from starvation, with his hands fast locked in his breeches pocket, and his features as calm as a horse-pond. M. le Brun tells of the debut of the new danseuse, with several kisses on the tips of his fingers, a variety of taps on the left side of his satin waistcoat, and his head engulfed between his two shoulders, like a cock-boat in a trough of the sea.