Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (6)

The next scene is harrowing in the extreme. The bills describe it as Mrs. Brownriggs wash-house, kitchen, and skylightthe sky-light forming a most impressive object. Poor Mary Clifford is chained to the floor, her face begrimed, her dress in rags, and herself exceedingly hungry. Here the heroine describes the weakness of her body with energy and stentorian eloquence, but is interrupted by Mr. Clipson, whose face appears framed and glazed in the broken sky-light. A pathetic dialogue ensues, and the lover swears he will rescue his mistress, or perish in the attempt, calling upon Mr. Owen, the parish overseer, to make known her sufferings. The Ship, in Wapping, is next shown; and Toby Bensling, alias Richard Clifford, enters to inform his hearers that he is the missing father of the injured foundling, and has that moment stepped ashore, after a short voyage, lasting sixteen years! He is on his way to the Admiralty, to receive some paythe more particularly, we imagine, as they always pay sailors at Somerset Houseand then to look after his wife. But she saves him the trouble by entering with Mr. William Clipson. The usual Whom do I see?Can it be?After so long an absence! &c. &c., having been duly uttered and begged to, they all go to see after Mary, find her in a cupboard in Mrs. B.s back-parlour, andthe act-drop falls.

We must confess we approach a description of the third act with diffidence. Such intense pathos, we feel, demands words of more sombre soundink of a darker hue, than we can command. The third scene is, in particular, too extravagantly touching for ordinary nerves to witness. Mary Clifford is in bedFrench bedstead (especially selected, perhaps, because such things were not thought of in the days of Mother Brownrigg) stands exactly in the middle of the stagea chest of drawers is placed behind, and a table on each side, to balance the picture. The lover leans over the head, the mother sits at the foot, the father stands at the side: Mary Clifford is insane, with lucid intervals, and is, moreover, dying. The consequence is, she has all the talk to herself, which consists of a discourse concerning the great governors, her cruel mistress, and her naughty young master, interlarded with insane ejaculations, always considered stage property, such as, Ah, she comes! Nay, strike me notI am guiltless! Again, Villain! what do you take me for?unhand me! and all that. Then the dying part comes, and she sees an angel in the flies, and informs it that she is coming soon (here it is usual for a lady to be removed from the gallery in strong hysterics), and keeps her word by letting her arm fall upon the bed-clothes and shutting her eyes, whereupon somebody says that she is dead, and the prompter whistles for the scene to be changed.

In the last scene, criminal justice takes its course. Mrs. Brownrigg, having been sentenced to the gallows, is seen in the condemned cell; her son by her side, and the fatal cart in the back-ground. Having been brought up genteelly, she declines the mode of conveyance provided for her journey to Tyburn with the utmost volubility. Being about to be hanged merely does not seem to affect her so poignantly as the disgraceful drag she is doomed to take her last journey in. She swoons at the idea; and the curtain falls to end her wicked career, and the sufferings of an innocent audience.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 73] AUGUST 28, 1841. THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER I. INTRODUCES THE READER TO THE APPLEBITE FAMILY AND TO AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE IN PARTICULAR. A man balances another on his head and forms the letter T he following is extracted from the Parliamentary Guide for 18:APPLEBITE, ISAAC (Puddingbury). Born March 25, 1780; descended from his grandfather, and has issue. And upon reference to a monument in Puddingbury church, representing the first Mrs. Applebite (who was a housemaid) industriously scrubbing a large tea-urn, whilst another figure (supposed to be the second Mrs. Applebite) is pointing reproachfully to a little fat cherub who is blowing himself into a fit of apoplexy from some unassignable cause or anotherI say upon reference to this monument, upon which is blazoned forth all the stock virtues of those who employ stonemasons, I find, that in July, 18, the said Isaac was gathered unto Abrahams bosom, leaving behind hima seat in the House of Commonsa relictthe issue aforesaid, and £50,000 in the three per cents.

The widow Applebite had so arranged matters with her husband, that two- thirds of the above sum were left wholly and solely to her, as some sort of consolation under her bereavement of the best of husbands and the kindest of fathers. (Vide monument.) Old Isaac must have been a treasure, for his wife either missed him so much, or felt so desirous to learn if there was another man in the world like him, that, as soon as the monument was completed and placed in Puddingbury chancel, she married a young officer in a dashing dragoon regiment, and started to the Continent to spend the honeymoon, leaving her son

AGAMEMNON COLLUMPSION APPLEBITE (the apoplectic cherub and the issue alluded to in the Parliamentary Guide), to the care of himself.

A.C.A. was the pattern of what a young man ought to be. He had 16,000 and odd pounds in the three per cents., hair that curled naturally, stood five feet nine inches without his shoes, always gave a shilling to a waiter, lived in a terrace, never stopped out all night (but once), and paid regularly every Monday morning. Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite was a happy bachelor! The women were delighted to see him, and the men to dine with him: to the one he gave bouquets; to the other, cigars: in short, everybody considered A.C.A. as A1; and A.C.A. considered that A1 was his proper mark.

It is somewhat singular, but no man knows when he is really happy: he may fancy that he wants for nothing, and may even persuade himself that addition or subtraction would be certain to interfere with the perfectitude of his enjoyment. He deceives himself. If he wishes to assure himself of the exact state of his feelings, let him ask his friends; they are disinterested parties, and will find out some annoyance that has escaped his notice. It was thus with Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite. He had made up his mind that he wanted for nothing, when it was suddenly found out by his friends that he was in a state of felicitous destitution. It was discovered simultaneously, by five mamas and eighteen daughters, that Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite must want a wife; and that his sixteen thousand and odd pounds must be a source of undivided anxiety to him. Stimulated by the most praiseworthy considerations, a solemn compact was entered into by the aforesaid five mamas, on behalf of the aforesaid eighteen daughters, by which they were pledged to use every means to convince Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite of his deplorable condition; but no unfair advantage was to be taken to ensure a preference for any particular one of the said eighteen daughters, but that the said Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite should be left free to exercise his own discretion, so far as the said eighteen daughters were concerned, but should any other daughter, of whatever mama soever, indicate a wish to become a competitor, she was to be considered a common enemy, and scandalized accordingly.

Agamemnon Collumpsion Applebite, about ten oclock on the following evening, was seated on a sofa, between Mrs. Greatgirdle and Mrs. Waddledot (the two mamas deputed to open the campaign), each with a cup of very prime Mocha coffee, and a massive fiddle-pattern tea-spoon. On the opposite side of the room, in a corner, was a very large cage, in the sole occupancy of a solitary Java sparrow.

My poor bird looks very miserable, sighed Mrs. Greatgirdle, (the hostess upon this occasion.)

Very miserable! echoed Mrs. Waddledot; and the truth of the remark was apparent to every one.

The Java sparrow was moulting and suffering from a cutaneous disorder at the same time; so what with the falling off, and scratching off of his feathers, he looked in a most deplorable condition; which was rendered more apparent by the magnitude of his cage. He seemed like the last debtor confined in the Queens Bench.

He has never been himself since the death of his mate. (Here the bird scarified himself with great violence.) He is so restless; and though he eats very well, and hops about, he seems to have lost all care of his person, as though he would put on mourning if he had it.

Is there no possibility of dyeing his feathers? remarked Agamemnon Collumpsion, feeling the necessity of saying something.

It is not the inky cloak, Mr. Applebite, replied Mrs. Greatgirdle, that truly indicates regret; but its here, (laying her hand upon her left side): nothere, under his liver wing, that he feels it, poor bird! Its a shocking thing to live alone.

And especially in such a large cage, said Mrs. Waddledot. Your house is rather large, Mr. Applebite? inquired Mrs. Greatgirdle.

Rather, maam, replied Collumpsion.

Aint you very lonely? said Mrs. Waddledot and Mrs. Greatgirdle both in a breath.

Why, not

Very lively, you were going to say, interrupted Mrs. G.

Now Mrs. G. was wrong in her conjecture of Collumpsions reply. He was about to say, Why, not at all; but she, of course, knew best what he ought to have answered.

I often feel for you, Mr. Applebite, remarked Mrs. Waddledot; and think how strange it is that you, who really are a nice young manand I dont say so to flatter youthat you should have been so unsuccessful with the ladies.

Collumpsions vanity was awfully mortified at this idea.

It is strange! exclaimed Mrs. G I wonder it dont make you miserable. There is no home, I mean the Sweet, sweet home, without a wife. Try, try again, Mr. Applebite, (tapping his arm as she rose;) faint heart never won fair lady.

I refused Mr. Waddledot three times, but I yielded at last; take courage from that, and 24, Pleasant Terrace, may shortly become that Elysiuma womans home, whispered Mrs. W., as she rolled gracefully to a card-table; and accidentally, of course, cut the ace of spades, which she exhibited to Collumpsion with a very mysterious shake of the head.

Agamemnon returned to 24, Pleasant Terrace, a discontented man. He felt that there was no one sitting up for himnothing but a rush-lightthe dog might bark as he entered, but no voice was there to welcome him, and with a heavy heart he ascended the two stone steps of his dwelling.

He took out his latch-key, and was about to unlock the door, when a loud knocking was heard in the next street. Collumpsion paused, and then gave utterance to his feelings. Thats musicpositively music. This is my housetheres my name on the brass-platethats my knocker, as I can prove by the bill and receipt; and, yet, here I am about to sneak in like a burglar. Old John shant go to bed another night; Ill not indulge the lazy scoundrel any longer, Yet the poor old fellow nursed me when a child. Ill compromise the matterIll knock, and let myself in. So saying, Collumpsion thumped away at the door, looked around to see that he was unobserved, applied his latch-key, and slipped into his house just as old John, in a state of great alarm and undress, was descending the stairs with a candle and a boot-jack.

AN ACUTE ANGLE. We read in the Glasgow Courier of an enormous salmon hooked at Govan, which measured three feet, three inches in length. The Morning Herald mentions several gudgeons of twice the size, caught, we understand, by Alderman Humphery, and conveyed to Town per Blackwall Railway.

[pg 74] A man thumbs his nose while carrying a Chinaman on his back IMPORTANT NEWS FROM CHINA. ARRIVAL OF THE OVERLAND MAIL! August 28, 1841.

We have received expresses from the Celestial Empire by our own private electro-galvanic communication. As this rapid means of transmission carries dispatches so fast that we generally get them even before they are written, we are enabled to be considerably in advance of the common daily journals; more especially as we have obtained news up to the end of next week.

The most important paper which has come to hand is the Macao Sunday Times. It appears that the fortifications for surrounding Pekin are progressing rapidly, but that the government have determined upon building the ramparts of japanned canvas and bamboo rods, instead of pounded rice, which was thought almost too fragile to resist the attacks of the English barbarians. Some handsome guns, of blue and white porcelain, have been placed on the walls, with a proportionate number of carved ivory balls, elaborately cut one inside the other. These, it is presumed, will split upon firing, and produce incalculable mischief and confusion. Within the gates a frightful magazine of gilt crackers, and other fireworks, has been erected; which, in the event of the savages penetrating the fortifications, will be exploded one after another, to terrify them into fits, when they will be easily captured. This precaution has been scarcely thought necessary by some of the mandarins, as our great artist, Wang, has covered the external joss-house with frantic figures that, must strike terror to every barbarian. Gold paper has also been kept constantly burning, on altars of holy clay, at every practicable point of the defences, which it is hardly thought they will have the hardihood to approach, and the sacred ducks of Fanqui have been turned loose in the river to retard the progress of the infidel fleet.

During the storm of last week the portcullis, which hail been placed in the northern gate, and was composed of solid rice paper, with cross-bars of chop-sticks, was much damaged. It is now under repair, and will be coated entirely with tea-chest lead, to render it perfectly impregnable. The whole of the household troops and body-guard of the emperor have also received new accoutrements of tin-foil and painted isinglass. They have likewise been armed with varnished bladders, containing peas and date stones, which produce a terrific sound upon the least motion.

An Englishman has been gallantly captured this morning, in a small boat, by one of our armed junks. He will eat his eyes in the Palace-court this afternoon; and then, being enclosed in soft porcelain, will be baked to form a statue for the new pagoda at Bo-Lung, the first stone of which was laid by the late emperor, to celebrate his victory over the rude northern islanders.

Canton.

The last order of the government, prohibiting the exportation of tea and rhubarb, has been issued by the advice of Lin, who translates the English newspapers to the council. It is affirmed in these journals, that millions of these desert tribes have no other beverage than tea for their support. As their oath prohibits any other liquor, they will be driven to water for subsistence, and, unable to correct its unhealthy influence by doses of rhubarb, will die miserably. In anticipation of this event, large catacombs are being erected near their great city, on the authority of Slo-Lefe-Tee, who visited it last year, and intends shortly to go there again. The rhubarb prohibition will, it is said, have a great effect upon the English market for plums, pickled salmon, and greengages; and the physicians, or disciples of the great Hum, appear uncertain as to the course to be pursued.

The emperor has issued a chop to the Hong merchants, forbidding them to assist or correspond with the invaders, under pain of having their finger-nails drawn out and rings put in their noses. Howqua resists the order, and it is the intention of Lin, should he remain obstinate, to recommend his being pounded up with broken crockery and packed in Chinese catty packages, to be forwarded, as an example, to the Mandarin Pidding, of the wild island.

An English flag, stolen by a deserter from Chusan, will be formally insulted to-morrow in the market-place, by the emperor and his court. Dust will be thrown at it, accompanied by derisive grimaces, and it will be subsequently hoisted, in scorn, to blow, at the mercy of the winds, upon the summit of the palace, within sight of the barbarians.

LEVANT MAIL. CONSTANTINOPLE, ALEXANDRIA, AND SMYRNA. August 30.

The Sultan got very fuddled last night, with forbidden juice, in the harem, and tumbled down the ivory steps leading from the apartment of the favourite, by which accident he seriously cut his nose. Every guard is to be bastinadoed in consequence, and the wine-merchant will be privately sewn up in a canvas-bag and thrown into the Bosphorus this evening.

A relation of Selim Pacha, despatched by the Sultan to collect taxes in Beyrout, was despatched by the Syrians a few hours after his arrival.

The periodical conflagration of the houses, mosques, and synagogues, in Smyrna, took place with great splendour on the 30th ult., and the next will be arranged for the ensuing month, when everybody suspected of the plague will receive orders from the government to remain in their dwellings until they are entirely consumed. By this salutary arrangement, it is expected that much improvement will take place in the public health.

The inundation of the Nile has also been very favourable this year, The water has risen higher than usual, and carried off several hundred poor people. The Board of Guardians of the Alexandria Union are consequently much rejoiced.

TO MR GREEN, THE INSPECTOR OF HIGHWAYS. ON HIS RECENT SKYLARK. The air hath bubbles as the water hath.

Huzza! huzza! there goes the balloon

Tis up like a rocket, and off to the moon!

Now fading from our view,

Or dimly seen;

Now lost in the deep blue

Is Mr. Green!

Pray have a care,

In your path through the air,

And mind well what you do;

For if you chance to slip

Out of your airy ship,

Then down you come, and all is up with you.

FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. Two thousand and thirty-five remarkably fine calves, from their various rural pasturages at Smithfield. Some of the heads of the party have since been seen in the very highest society.

ADVICE GRATIS. What will you take? said Peel to Russell, on adjourning from the School of Design. Anything you recommend. Then let it be your departure, was the significant rejoinder.

PLEASANT CROPS ABROAD.A GOOD LOOK OUT FOR THE SYRIANS. French agents are said to be sowing discontent in Syria.Sunday Times.

[pg 75] THE GENTLEMANS OWN BOOK. Having advised you in our last paper of Dress in general, we now proceed to the important consideration of

DRESS IN PARTICULAR, a subject of such paramount interest and magnitude, that we feel an Encyclopædia would be barely sufficient for its full developement; and it is our honest conviction that, until professorships of this truly noble art are instituted at the different universities, the same barbarisms of style will be displayed even by those of gentle blood, as now too frequently detract from the Augustan character of the age.

To take as comprehensive a view of this subject as our space will admit, we have divided it into the quality, the cut, the ornaments, and the pathology.

THE QUALITY comprises the texture, colour, and age of the materials.

Of the texture there are only two kinds compatible with the reputation of a gentlemanthe very fine and the very coarse; or, to speak figurativelythe Cachmere and the Witney blanket.

The latter is an emanation from the refinement of the nineteenth century, for a prejudice in favour of extra-superfine formerly existed, as the coarser textures, now prevalent, were confined exclusively to common sailors, hackney-coachmen, and bum-bailiffs. These frivolous distinctions are happily exploded, and the true gentleman may now show in Saxony, or figure in Flushingthe one being suggestive of his property, and the other indicative of his taste. These remarks apply exclusively to woollens, whether for coats or trousers.

It is incumbent on every gentleman to have a perfect library of waistcoats, the selection of which must be regulated by the cost of the material, as it would be derogatory, in the highest degree, to a man aspiring to the character of a distingué, to decorate his bosom with a garment that would by any possibility come under the denomination of these choice patterns, only 7s. 6d. There are certain designs for this important decorative adjunct, which entirely preclude them from the wardrobes of the élitethe imaginative bouquets upon red-plush grounds, patronised by the ingenious constructors of canals and rail-roadsthe broad and brilliant Spanish striped Valencias, which distinguish the savans or knowing ones of the stablethe cotton (must we profane the word!) velvet impositions covered with botanical diagrams done in distemper, and monopolized by lawyers clerks and small professionalsthe positive or genuine Genoa velvet, with violent and showy embellishments of roses, dahlias, and peonies, which find favour in the eyes of aldermen, attorneys, and the proprietors of four-wheel chaises, are all to be avoided as the fifth daughter of a clergymans widow.

It is almost superfluous to add, that breeches can only be made of white leather or white kerseymere, for any other colour or material would awaken associations of the dancing-master, the waiter, the butler, or the bumpkin, or, what is equally to be dreaded, the highly respectables of the last century.

The dressing-gown is a portion of the costume which commands particular attention; for though no man can appear as a hero to his valet, he must keep up the gentleman. This can only be done by the dressing-gown. To gentlemen who occupy apartments, the robe de chambre, if properly selected, is of infinite advantage; for an Indian shawl or rich brocaded silk (of which this garment should only be constructed), will be found to possess extraordinary pacific properties with the landlady, when the irregularity of your remittances may have ruffled the equanimity of her temper, whilst you are

A man lays under a running spigot. INCLINED TO TAKE IT COOLLY;

whereas a gray Duffield, or a cotton chintz, would be certain to induce deductions highly prejudicial to the respectability of your character, or, what is of equal importance, to the duration of your credit.

The colour of your materials should be selected with due regard to the species of garment and the tone of the complexion. If the face be of that faint drab which your friends would designate pallid, and your enemies sallow, a coat of pea-green or snuff-brown must be scrupulously eschewed, whilst black or invisible green would, by contrast, make that appear delicate and interesting, which, by the use of the former colours, must necessarily seem bilious and brassy.

The rosy complexionist must as earnestly avoid all sombre tints, as the inelegance of a healthful appearance should never be obtrusively displayed by being placed in juxta-position with colours diametrically opposite, though it is almost unnecessary to state that any one ignorant enough to appear of an evening in a coat of any other colour than blue or black (regimentals, of course, excepted), would certainly be condemned to a quarantine in the servants hall. There are colours which, if worn for trousers by the first peer of the realm, would be as condemnatory of his character as a gentleman, as levanting on the settling-day for the Derby.

The dark drab, which harmonises with the mudthe peculiar pepper-and- salt which is warranted not to grow gray with agethe indescribable mixtures, which have evidently been compounded for the sake of economy, must ever be exiled from the wardrobe and legs of a gentleman.

The hunting-coat must be invariably of scarlet, due care being taken before wearing to dip the tips of the tails in claret or port wine, which, for new coats, or for those of gentlemen who do not hunt, has been found to give them an equally veteran appearance with the sweat of the horse.

Of the age it is only necessary to state, that a truly fashionable suit should never appear under a week, or be worn longer than a month from the time that it left the hands of its parent schneider. Shooting-coats are exceptions to the latter part of this rule, as a garment devoted to the field should always bear evidence of long service, and a new jacket should be consigned to your valet, who, if he understands his profession, will carefully rub the shoulders with a hearth-stone and bole-ammonia, to convey the appearance of friction and the deposite of the rust of the gun1.1. Gentlemen who are theoretical, rather than practical sportsmen, would find it beneficial to have a partridge carefully plucked, and the feathers sparingly deposited in the pockets of the shooting-jacket usually applied to the purposes of carrying game. Newgate Market possesses all the advantages of a preserved manor.

Of the cut, ornaments, and pathology of dress, we shall speak next week, for these are equally essential to ensure

A man crashes thru a window. AN INTRODUCTION TO FASHIONABLE SOCIETY.

BEGINNING EARLY. We are informed by the Times of Saturday, that at the late Conservative enactment at D.L., not only his Royal Highness Prince Albert, but the infant Princess Royal, was drunk, with the usual honours.[Proh pudor!PUNCH.]

SIBTHORPS VERY BEST. Sibthorp, meeting Peel in the House of Commons, after congratulating him on his present enviable position, finished the confab with the following unrivalled conundrum:By the bye, which of your vegetables does your Tamworth speech resemble!Spinach, replied Peel, who, no doubt, associated it with gammon.Pshaw, said the gallant Colonel, your rope inions (your opinions), to be sure! Peel opened his mouth, and never closed it till he took his seat at the table.

BEAUTIFUL COINCIDENCE!A PAIR OF TOOLS. Sir Francis Burdett, the superannuated Tory tool, proposed the Conservative healths; and Toole the second, as toast-master, announced them to the assemblage.

[pg 76] THE CURRAH CUT; OR, HOW WE ALL GOT A FIPENNY BIT A-PIECE. Are the two ponies ready?

Yes!

And the ass?

All right!

And youve, all five of you, got your fipennies for Tony Dolan, the barber, at Kells?

Every one of us.

Then be off; theres good boys! Ride and tie like Christians, and dont be going double on the brute beasts; for a bit of a walk now and then will just stretch your legs. Be back at five to dinner; and let us see what bucks youll look with your new-trimmed curls. Stay, theres another fipenny; spend that among you, and take care of yourselves, my little jewels!

Such were the parting queries and instructions of my kind old uncle to five as roaring, mischievous urchins as ever stole whisky to soak the shamrock on St. Patricks day. The chief director, schemer, and perpetrator of all our fun and devilry, was, strange to say, my cousin Bob: the smallest, and, with one exception, the youngest of the party. But Bob was his grandmothers ashey pethis mothers jewelhis fathers mannikinhis nurses honeyand the whole worlds darlin little devil of a rogue! The expression of a face naturally arch, beaming with good humour, and radiant with happy laughter, was singularly heightened by a strange peculiarity of vision, which I am at a loss to describe. It was, if the reader can idealise the thing, an absolute beauty, which, unfortunately, can only be written about by the appliances of some term conveying the notion of a blemish. The glances from his bright eyes seemed to steal out from under their long fringe, the most reckless truants of exulting mirth. No matter what he said, he looked a joke. Now for his orders:

Aisy with you, lads. Cousin Harry, take first ride on St. Patrick (the name of the ass)heres a leg up. The two Dicks can have Scrub and Rasper. Jack and Billy, boys, catch a hold of the bridles, or devil a hapworth of ride and tie therell be in at all, if them Dicks get the startShanks mare will take you to Kells. Dont be galloping off in that manner, but shoot aisy! Remember, the ass has got to keep up with you, and Ive got to keep up with the ass. Thats the thingsteady she goes! Its an elegant day, and no hurry in life. Spider! come here, boythats right. Down, sir! down, you devil, or wipe your paws. Bad manners to youlook at them breeches! Never mind, theres a power of rats at Tony Carrolls barnits mighty little out o the way, and may be well get a hunt. What say you?

A hunt, a hunt, by all manes! theres the fun of it! Come on, ladsheres the place!turn off, and go to work! Wait, wait! get a stick a-piece, and break the necks of em! Hurrah!in Spider!find em boy! Good lad! Tare an ouns, you may well squeak! Good dog! good dog! thats a grandfather!well have more yet; the family always come to the ould ones berrin. Ive seen em often, and mighty dacent they behave. Damn Kells and the barber, up with the boords and go to work!this is something like sport! Houly Paul, theres one up my breechesheres the tail of himhe caught a hould of my leather-garter. Come out of that, Spider! Spider, here he isthats itgive him another shake for his impudenceserve him out! Hurrah!

Fast and furious grew our incessant urging on of the willing Spider, for his continued efforts at extermination. At the end of two hours, the metamorphosed barn was nearly stripped of its flooringnine huge rats lay dead, as trophies of our own achievementsthe panting Spider, by turns caressing, and by turns caressed, licking alternately the hands and faces of all, as we sat on the low ledge of the doorway, wagging his close-cut stump of tail, as if he were resolved, by his unceasing exertions, to get entirely rid of that excited dorsal ornament.

This is the rael thing, said Bob.

So it is, said Dick; but

But what?

Why, devil a haporth of Kells or hair-cutting theres in it.

Not a taste, chimed in Jack.

Nothing like it, echoed Will.

What will we do? said all at once. There was a short pauseafter which the matter was resumed by Dick, who was intended for a parson, and therefore rather given to moralising.

Life, quoth Dicklifes uncertain.

You may say that, rejoined Bob; look at them rats.

Tony Dowlans a hard-drinking man, and his mother had fits.

Of the same sort, said Bob.

Well, then, continued Dick, theres no knowinghe may be deadif so, how could he cut our hair?

Here Dick, like Brutus, paused for a reply. Bob produced one.

Its a good scheme, but it wont do; the likes of him never does anything hes wanted to. Hes the contrariest ould thief in Ireland! I wish mama hadnt got a party; wed do well enough but for that. Never mind, boys, Ive got it. Theres Mikey Brian, hes the boy!

What for?

To cut the hair of the whole of us.

He cant do it.

Cant! wait, a-cushla, till I tell you, or, whats better, show you. Come now, you devils. Look at the heels (Raspers and Scrubs) of them ponies! Did ever you see anything like them!look at the cutting thereTony Dowlan never had the knack o that tasty work in his dirty finger and thumband who done that? Why Mikey Briandidnt I see him myself; and isnt he the boy that can bang Bannaker at anything! Oh! hell cut us elegant!hell do the squad for a fipennyand then, lads, theres them five others will be just one a-piece to buy gut and flies! Come on, you Hessians!

No sooner proposed than acceded tooff we set, for the eulogised Bannaker banging Mikey Brian.

A stout, handsome boy he wasrising four-and-twentya fighting, kissing, rollicking, ball-playing, dancing vagabone, as youd see in a days marchsuch a fellow as you only meet in Irelanda bit of a gardener, a bit of a groom, a bit of a futboy, and a bit of a horse-docthor.

We reached the stables by the back way, and there, in his own peculiar loft, was Mikey Brian, brushing a somewhat faded livery, in which to wait upon the coming quality.

Bob stated the case, as far as the want of our locks curtailment went, but made no mention of the delay which occasioned our coming to Mikey; on the contrary, he attributed the preference solely to our conviction of his superior abilities, and the wish to give him a chance, as he felt convinced, if he had fair play, hed be engaged miles round, instead of the hopping old shaver at Kells.

Im your man, Masther Robert.

Whos first?

I amtheres the fipennythats for the lot!

Good luck to you, sit downwill you have the Currah thorobred-cut?

Thats the thing, said Bob.

Then, young gentlement, as there aint much roomand if you do be all looking on, Ill be botheredjust come in one by one.

Out we went, and, in an inconceivably short space, Bob emerged.

Mikey advising: Master Robert, dear, keep your hat on for the life of you, for fear of cowld. A few minutes finished us all.

This is elegant, said Bob. Mikey, it will be the making of you; but dont say a word till you hear how theyll praise you at dinner.

Mum! said Mikey, and off we rushed.

I felt rather astonished at the ease with which my hat sat; while those of the rest appeared ready to fall over their noses. Being in a hurry, this was passed over. The second dinner-bell rangwe bolted up for a brief ablutionour hats were thrown into a corner, and, as if by one consent, all eyes were fixed upon each others heads!

Bob gave tongue: The Devils skewer to Mikey Brian! and bad luck to the Currah thorobred cut! Not the eighth part of an inch of air there is amongst the set of us. What will the master say? Never mind; weve got the fipennies! Come to dinner!by the Puck we are beauties!

We reached the dining-room unperceived; but who can describe the agony of my aunt Kate, when she clapped her eyes upon five such close-clipped scarecrows. She vowed vengence of all sorts and descriptions against the impudent, unnatural, shameful monster! Terms which Mikey Brian, in the back-ground, appropriated to himself, and with the utmost difficulty restrained his rising wrath from breaking out.

What, continued aunt Kate, what does he call this?

Its the thorobred Currah-cut, maam, said Bob, with one of his peculiar glances at Mikey and the rest.

And mighty cool wearing, Ill be bail, muttered Mikey.

Does he call that hair-cutting? screamed my aunt.

That, and nothing but it, quietly retorted Bob, passing his hand over his head; you cant deny the cutting, maam.

The young gentlemen look elegant, said Mikey.

Im told its all the go, maam, said Bob.

Wait! said my aunt, with suppressed rage; wait till I go to Kells.

This did not happen for six weeks; our aunts anger was mollified as our locks were once more human. Upon upbraiding Tony Knowlan the murder came out. A hearty laugh ensured our pardon, and Mikey Brians; and the story of the thorobred Currah-cut was often told, as the means by which we all got a fipenny bit a-piece.FUSBOS.

There is a portrait of a person so like him, that, the other day, a friend who called took no notice whatever of the man, further than saying he was a good likeness, but asked the portrait to dinner, and only found out his mistake when he went up to shake hands with it at parting.

An American hearing that there was a fire in his neighbourhood, and that it might possibly consume his house, took the precaution to bolt his own door; that he might be, so far at least, beforehand with the devouring element.

BAD EITHER WAY. The peace, happiness, and prosperity of England, are threatened by Peel; in Ireland, the picture is reversed: the safety of that country is endangered by Re-peal. It would be hard to say which is worst.

A CONSTANT PAIR. Jane is a constant wench (so Sibthorp says);

For in how many shops you see Jean stays!

A COUNT AND HIS SCHNEIDER. The Counts fashioner sent in, the other day, his bill, which was a pretty considerable time overdue, accompanied by the following polite note:

Sir,Your bill having been for a very long time standing, I beg that it may be settled forthwith.

Yours, B.

To which Snip received the following reply:

Sir,I am very sorry that your bill should have been kept standing so long. Pray request it to sit down.

Yours, **

[pg 77] NARRATIVE OF AN AWFUL CASE OF EXTREME DISTRESS. It was in the year 1808, that myself and seven others resolved upon taking chambers in Staples Inn. Our avowed object was to study, but we had in reality assembled together for the purposes of convivial enjoyment, and what were then designated sprees. Our stock consisted of four hundred and twelve pounds, which we had drawn from our parents and guardians under the various pretences of paying fees and procuring books for the advancement of our knowledge in the sublime mysteries of that black art called Law. In addition to our pecuniary resources, we had also a fair assortment of wearing-apparel, and it was well for us that parental anxiety had provided most of us with a change of garments suitable to the various seasons. For a long time everything went on riotously and prosperously. We visited the Theatres, the Coal-hole, the Cider-cellars, and the Saloon, and became such ardent admirers of the Waterford system of passing a night and morning, that scarcely a day came without a draft upon the treasury for that legal imposition upon the liberty of the subjectthe five-shilling fine; besides the discharge of promissory notes as compensation for trifling damages done to the heads and property of various individuals.

About a month after the formation of our association we were all suffering severely from thirsty head-aches, produced, I am convinced, by the rapid consumption of thirteen bowls of whiskey-punch on the preceding night. The rain was falling in perpendicular torrents, and the whole aspect of out-of-door nature was gloomy and sloppy, when we were alarmed by the exclamation of Joseph Jones (a relation of the Welsh Joneses), who officiated as our treasurer, and upon inquiring the cause, were horror-stricken to find that we had arrived at our last ten-pound note, and that the landlord had sent an imperative message, requiring the immediate settlement of our back-rent. It is impossible to paint the consternation depicted on every countenance, already sufficiently disordered by previous suffering and biliary disarrangement.

I was the first to speak; for being the son of a shabby-genteel father, I had witnessed in my infancy many of those schemes to raise the needful, to which ambitious men with limited incomes are so frequently driven. I therefore bid them be of good heart, for that any pawnbroker in the neighbourhood would readily advance money upon the superfluous wardrobe which we possessed. This remark was received with loud cheers, which, I have no doubt, would have been much more vehement but from the fatal effects of the whiskey-punch.

The landlords claim was instantly discharged, and after several pots of strong green tea, rendered innocuous by brandy, we sallied forth in pursuit of what we then ignorantly conceived to be pleasure.

I will not pause to particularise the gradual diminution of our property, but come at once to that period when, having consumed all our superfluities, it become a serious subject of consideration, what should next be sacrificed.

I will now proceed to make extracts from our general diary, merely premising that our only attendant was an asthmatic individual named Peter.

Dec. 2, 1808.Peter reported stockeight coats, eight waistcoats, eight pairs of trousers, two ounces of coffee, half a quartern loaf, and a haporth of milk. The eight waistcoats required for dinner. Peter ordered to pop accordinglyproceeds 7s. 6d. Invested in a small leg of mutton and half-and-half.

Dec. 3.Peter reported stockcoats idem, trousers idema mutton bonerent duea coat and a pair of trousers ordered for immediate necessitieslots drawnJones the victim. Moved the court to grant him his trousers, as his coat was lined with silk, which would furnish the trimmingsrejected. Peter popped the suit, and Jones went to bed. All signed an undertaking to redeem Jones with the first remittance from the country. Proceeds 40s. Paid rent, and dined on à-la-mode beef and potatoesbeer limited to one quart. Peter hinted at wages, and was remonstrated with on the folly and cruelty of his conduct.

Dec. 4.Peter reported stockseven coats, seven pairs of trousers, and a gentleman in bed. Washerwoman calledgave notice of detaining linen unless settled withtwo coats and one pair of trousers ordered for consumption. Lots drawnSmith the victim for coat and trousersBrown for the continuations only. Smith retired to bedBrown obtained permission to sit in a blanket. Proceeds of the above, 38s.both pairs of trousers having been reseated. Jones very violent, declaring it an imposition, and that every gentleman who had been repaired, should enter himself so on the books. The linen redeemed, leavingnothing for dinner.

Dec. 5.Peter reported stockfour coats, and five pairs of trousers. Account not agreeing, Peter was called infound that Williams had boltedJones offered to call him out, if we would dress him for the daySmith undertook to negotiate preliminaries on the same conditionsWilliams voted not worth powder and shot in the present state of our finances. A coat and two pair of continuations ordered for supplieslots drawnBlack and Edwards the victims. Black retired to bed, and Edwards to a blanketproceeds, 20s. Jones, Smith, and Black, petitioned for an increased supply of coalsagreed to. Dinner, a large leg of mutton and baked potatoes. Peter lodged a detainer against the change, as he wanted his hair cut and a box of vegetable pillsso he said.

Dec. 6.Peter reported stockthree coats, three pairs of trousers, quarter of a pound of mutton, and one potato. Landlord sent a note remonstrating against using the beds all day, and applying the blankets to the purposes of dressing-gowns. Proposed, in consequence of this impertinent communication, that the payment of the next weeks rent be disputedcarried nem. con. A coat and a pair of trousers ordered for the days necessitiesPeter popped as usualproceeds, 10s. 6d.coals boughtditto a quire of paper, and the et cets. for home correspondence. Blue devils very prevalent.

Dec. 7.Peter reported stocktwo coats, two pairs of trousers, and five gentlemen in bed. Smith hinted at the beauties of BurkePeter brought a note for Joneseverybody in ecstacyJoness jolly old uncle from Glamorganshire had arrived in town. Huzza! safe for a 20l. Busker (thats myself) volunteered his suitJones dressed and off in a brace of shakescaught Peter laughingfound it was a hoax of Joness to give us the slipwould have stripped Peter, only his clothes were worth nothingcalculated the produce of the remaining suit at

Buttons a breakfast. Two sleeves one pint of porter. Body four plates of à-la-mode. Trousers (at per leg) half a quartern loaf. Caught an idea.wrote an anonymous letter to the landlord, and told him that an association had been formed to burke Colonel Sibthorphis lodgers the conspiratorsthat the scheme was called the Lie-a-bed plotpoverty with his lodgers all fudgemen of immense wealthget rid of them for his own sakeold boy very nervous, having been in quod for smugglinggave us warningcouldnt go if we would. Landlord redeemed our clothes. Ha! ha!did him brown.

The above is a statement of what I suffered during my minority. I have now the honour to be a magistrate and a member of Parliament.

THE RICH OLD BUFFER. A MAIDEN LYRIC. Urge it no more! I must not wed

One who is poor, so hold your prattle;

My lips on love have neer been fed,

With poverty I cannot battle.

My choice is madeI know Im right

Who wed for love starvation suffer;

So I will study day and night

To please and win a rich OLD BUFFER.

Romance is very fine, I own;

Reality is vastly better;

Im twentypastromance is flown

To Cupid Im no longer debtor.

Wealth, power, and rankI ask no more

Let the world frown, with these Ill rough her

Give me an equipage and four,

Blood bays, a page, andrich OLD BUFFER.

An opera-box shall be my court,

Myself the sovereign of the women;

There moustached loungers shall resort,

Whilst Elssler oer the stage is skimming.

If any rival dare dispute

The palm of ton, my set shall huff her;

Ill reign supreme, make envy mute,

When once I wed a rich OLD BUFFFER!

The heartthe feelingspshaw! for nought

They go, I grant, though quite enchanting

In valentines by school-girls wrought:

Nonsense! by me they are not wanting.

A note! and, as I live, a ring!

Pity the sad suspense I suffer!

Alls right. I knew to book Id bring

Old Brown. Ive caught

A RICH OLD BUFFER.

PHILANTHROPY, FINE WRITING, AND FIREWORKS. A writer in a morning paper, eulogising the Licensed Victuallers fête at Vauxhall Gardens, on Tuesday evening, bursts into the following magnificent flight:Wit has been profanely said, like the Pagan, to deify the brute (the writer will never increase the mythology); but here, (that is, in the royal property,) while intellect and skill (together with Roman candles) exhibit their various manifestations, Charity (arrack punch and blue fire) throw their benign halo over the festive scene (in the circle and Widdicomb), and not only sanctify the enjoyment (of ham and Greens ascent), but improve (the appetite) and elevate (the victuallers) the feelings (and the sky-rockets) of all who participate in it (and the sticks coming down). This is, truly an occasion when every licensed victualler should be at his post (with a stretcher in waiting).

[pg 78] IMPERIAL PARLIAMENT. As the coming session of Parliament is likely to be a busy onefor PUNCHwe have engaged some highly talented gentlemen expressly to report the fun in the House. The public will therefore have the benefit of all the senatorial brilliancy, combined with our own peculiar powers of description. Sibthorp(scintillations fly from our pen as we trace the magic word)shall, for one session at least, have justice done to his Sheridanic mind. Muntz shall be cut with a friendly hand, and Peter Borthwick feel that the days of his histrionic glories are returned, when his name, and that of Avons swan, figured daily in the Stokum-cum-Pogis Gazette. Let any member prove himself worthy of being associated with the brilliant names which ornament our pages, and be certain we will insure his immortality. We will now proceed to our report of

THE QUEENS SPEECH. MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

This morn at crow-cock,

Great Doctor Locock

Decided that her Majesty had better

Remain at home, for (as I read the letter)

He thought the opening speech

Would be more honoured in the breach

Than the observance. So here I am,

To read a royal speech without a flam.

Her Majesty continues to receive

From Foreign Powers good reasons to believe

That, for the universe, they would not tease her,

But do whateer they could on earth to please her.

A striking fact,

That proves each act

Of us, the Cabinet, has been judicious,

Though of our conduct some folks are suspicious.

Her Majesty has also satisfaction

To state the July treaty did succeed

(Aided, no doubt, by Napiers gallant action),

And that in peace the Sultan smokes his weed.

That France, because she was left out,

Did for a little whilenow bouncenow pout,

Is in the best of humours, and will still

Lend us her Jullien, monarch of quadrille!

And as her Majestys a peaceful woman,

She hopes we shall get into rows with no man.

Her Majesty is also glad to say,

That as the Persian troops have marchd away,

Her Minister has orders to resume

His powers at Teheran, where hes taen a room.

Her Majesty regrets that the Chinese

Are running up the prices of our teas:

But should the Emperor continue crusty,

Elliots to find out if his jackets dusty.

Her Majesty has also had the pleasure

(By using a conciliatory measure)

To settle Spain and Portugals division

About the Douro treatys true provision.

Her Majesty (she grieves to say) s contrived to get,

Like all her predecessors, into debt

In Upper Canada, which, we suppose,

By this time is a fact the Council knows,

And what they think, or say, or write about it,

Youll he advised of, and the Queen dont doubt it,

But youll contrive to make the thing all square,

So leaves the matter to your loyal care.

GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

Her Majesty, Im proud to say, relies

On you with confidence for the supplies;

And, as theres much to pay, she begs to hint

She hopes sincerely youll not spare the Mint.

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

The public till,

I much regret to say, is looking ill;

For Canada and China, and the Whigsno, no

Some other prigshave left the cash so-so:

But as our soldiers and our tars, brave lads,

Wont shell out shells till we shell out the brads,

Her Majesty desires youll be so kind

As to devise some means to raise the wind,

Either by taxing more or taxing less,

Relieving or increasing our distress;

Or by increasing twopennies to quarterns,

Or keeping up the price which Commons shortens;

By making weavers wages high or low,

Or other means, but what we do not know.

But the one thing our royal mistress axes,

Is, that youll make the people pay their taxes.

The last request, I fear, will cause surprise

Her Majesty requests you to be wise.

If you comply at once, the world will own

It is the greatest miracle eer known.

THE DINNEROLOGY OF ENGLAND. Man is the only animal that cooks his dinner before he eats it. All other species of the same genus are content to take the provisions of nature as they find them; but mans reason has designed pots and roasting-jacks, stewpans and bakers ovens; thus opening a wide field for the exercise of that culinary ingenuity which has rendered the names of Glasse and Kitchiner immortal. Of such importance is the gastronomic art to the well-being of England, that we question much if the wooden walls, which have been the theme of many a song, afford her the same protection as her dinners. The ancients sought, by the distribution of crowns and flowers, to stimulate the enterprising and reward the successful; but England, despising such empty honours and distinctions, tempts the diffident with a haunch of venison, and rewards the daring with real turtle.

If charity seeks the aid of the benevolent, she no longer trusts to the magic of oratory to melt the tender soul to pity, and untie the purse- strings; but, grown wise by experience, she sends in her card in the shape of a guinea ticket, bottle of wine included; and thus appeals, if not to the heart, at least to its next-door neighbourthe stomach.

The hero is no longer conducted to the temple of Victory amid the shouts of his grateful and admiring countrymen, but to the Freemasons, the Crown and Anchor, or the Town Hall, there to have his plate heaped with the choicest viands, his glass tilled from the best bins, and his health drank with three times three, and a little one in.

The bard has now to experience the happiest moment of his life amid the jingling of glasses, the rattle of dessert plates, and the stentorian vociferations of the toast-master to charge your glasses, gentlemenMr. Dionysius Dactyl, the ornament of the age, with nine times nine, and to pour out the flood of his poetic gratitude, with half a glass of port in one hand and a table-napkin in the other.

The Cicero who has persuaded an enlightened body of electors to receive £10,000 decimated amongst them, and has in return the honour of sleeping in St. Stephens, and smoking in Bellamys, or, to be less figurative, who has been returned as their representative in Parliament, receives the foretaste of his importance in a public dinner, which commemorates his election; or should he desire to express the deep sense of his gratitude, like Lord Mahon at Hertford, he cannot better prove his sincerity than by the liberal distribution of invitations for the unrestrained consumption of mutton, and the unlimited imbibition of foreign wines and spirituous liquors.