Chapter XXV: Book I: —DEFINITIONS. A point in politics is that which always has place (2)

High Life. Superior Class. ST. JAMES'S SERIES. People wearing coronets. People related to coronets. People having no coronet, but who expect to get one. People who talk of their grandfathers, and keep a carriage. Transition Class. SECONDARY. (Russell-square group.) People who keep a carriage, but are silent respecting their grandfathers. Middle Life. People who give dinners to the superior series. People who talk of the four per cents, and are suspected of being mixed up in a grocery concern in the City. (Clapham group.) People who confess the Cape, and say, that though Pa amuses himself in the dry-salter line in Fenchurch- street, he neednt do it if he didnt like. People who keep a shop concern and a one-horse shay, and go to Ramsgate for three weeks in the dog-days. Metamorphic Class. People who keep a concern, but no shay, do the genteel with the light porter in livery on solemn occasions. People, known as shabby-genteels, who prefer walking to riding, and study Kidds How to live on a hundred a-year. INFERIOR SERIES. (Whitechapel group.) Low Life. People who dine at one oclock, and drink stout out of the pewter, at the White Conduit Gardens. Primitive Formation. People who think Bluchers fashionable, and ride in pleasure wans to Richmond on Sundays in summer. (St. Giless group.) Tag-rag and bob-tail in varieties. It will be seen, by a glance at the above table, that the three great divisions of society, namely, High Life, Low Life, and Middle Life, are subdivided, or more properly, sub- classed, into the Superior, Transition, and Metamorphic classes. Lower still than these in the social scale is the Primitive Formationwhich may be described as the basis and support of all the other classes. The individuals comprising it may be distinguished by their ragged surface, and shocking bad hats; they effervesce strongly with gin or Irish whiskey. This class comprehends the St. Giless Group(which is the lowest of all the others, and is found only in the great London basin)and that portion of the Whitechapel group whose individuals wear Bluchers and ride in pleasure wans to Richmond on Sundays. In mans economy the St. Giless Group are exceedingly important, being usually employed in the erection of buildings, where their great durability and hod-bearing qualities are conspicuous. Next in order is the Metamorphic classso called, because of the singular metamorphoses that once a week takes place amongst its individuals; their common every-day appearance, which approaches nearly to that of the St. Giless Group, being changed, on Sundays, to a variegated-coloured surface, with bright buttons and a shining four-and-ninegoss. This class includes the upper portion of the Whitechapel Group, and the two lower strata of the Clapham Group. The Whitechapel Group is the most elevated layer of the inferior series. The Shabby Genteel stratum occupies a wide extent on the Surrey side of the waterit is part of the Clapham Group, and is found in large quantities in the neighbourhood of Kennington, Vauxhall, and the Old Kent-road. A large vein of it is also to be met with at Mile-end and Chelsea. It is the lowest of the secondary formation. This stratum is characterised by its fossil remainsa great variety of miscellaneous articlessuch as watches, rings, and silk waistcoats and snuff-boxes being found firmly imbedded in what are technically termed avuncular depositories. The deposition of these matters has been referred by the curious to various causes; the most general supposition being, a peremptory demand for rent, or the like, on some particular occasion, when they were carried either by the owner, his wife, or daughter, from their original to their present position, and left amongst an accumulation of popped articles from various districts. The chief evidence on this point is not derived from the fossils themselves, but from their duplicates, which afford the most satisfactory proof of the period at which they were deposited. Articles which appear originally to have belonged to the neighbourhood of Belgrave-square have been frequently found in the depositories of the district between Bethnal- green and Spitalfields. By what social deluge they could have been conveyed to such a distance, is a question that has long puzzled the ablest geologists. Immediately above the shabby genteel stratum are found the people who keep a shop concern, but no shay; it is the uppermost layer of the Metamorphic Class, and, in some instances, may be detected mingling with the supra-genteel Clapham Group. The shop and no shay stratum forms a considerable portion of the London basin. It is characterised by its coarseness of texture, and a conglomeration of the parts of speech. Its animal remains usually consist of retired licensed victuallers and obese tallow-chandlers, who are generally found in beds of soft formation, separated from superincumbent layers of Marseilles quilts, by interposing strata of thick double Witneys.

Having proceeded thus far upwards in the social formation, we shall pause until next week, when we shall commence with the lower portion of the TRANSITION CLASSthe shop and shay peopleand, as we hope, convince our readers of the immense importance of our subject, and the great advantage of studying the strata of human life

A large man falls onto a child and a desk. UNDER A GREAT MASTER.

COVENTRYS WISE PRECAUTION. Some person was relating to the Earl of Coventry the strange fact that the Earl of Devons harriers last week gave chase, in his demesne, to an unhappy donkey, whom they tore to pieces before they could be called off; upon which his lordship asked for a piece of chalk and a slate, and composed the following jeu desprit on the circumstance:

Im truly shocked that Devons hounds

The gentle ass has slain;

For me to shun his lordships grounds,

It seems a warning plain.

CONTINUATIONS FROM CHINA. It is generally reported that the usual drill continuations of the British tars are about to be altered by those manning the fleet off China, who purpose adopting Nankin as soon as possible.

THE VERY NEXT JONATHAN. There is a Quaker in New Orleans so desperate upright in all his dealings, that he wont sit down to eat his meals.

[pg 158] A man carries a girl in a box on his back. A ship sits atop the box. POOR JACK. A sailor ashore, after a long cruise, is a natural curiosity. Twenty-four hours liberty has made him the happiest dog in existence; and the only drawback to his perfect felicity, is the difficulty of getting rid of his prize-money within the allotted time. It must, however, be confessed, that he displays a vast deal of ingenuity in devising novel modes of spending his rhino. Watches, trinkets, fiddlers, coaches, grog, and girls, are the long-established and legitimate modes of clearing out his lockers; but even these means are sometimes found inadequate to effect the desired object with sufficient rapidity. When there happens to be a number of brother-tars similarly employed, who have engaged all the coaches, fiddlers, and sweethearts in the town, it is then that Jack is put to his wits-end; and it is only by buying cocked-hats and top-boots for the boats-crew, or some such absurdity, that he can get all his cash scattered before he is obliged to return on board. This is a picture of a sailor ashore, but a sailor aground is a different being altogether. An unlucky shot may deprive him of a leg or arm; he may be frost-nipped at the pole, or get a coup de soleil in the tropics, and then be turned upon the world to shape his course amongst its rocks and shallows, with the bitter blast of poverty in his teeth. But Jack is not to be beaten so easily; although run aground, he refuses to strike his flag, and, with a cheerful heart, goes forth into the highways and byeways to sing the dangers of the sea, and, to collect from the pitying passers-by, the coppers that drop, like angel visits, into his little oil-skin hat.

These nautical melodists, with voices as rough as their beards, are to be met with everywhere; but they abound chiefly in the neighbourhood of Deptford and Wapping, where they seem to be indigenous. The most remarkable specimen of the class may, however, frequently be seen about the streets of London, carrying at his back a good-sized box, inside which, and peeping through a sort of port-hole, a pretty little girl of some two years old exhibits her chubby face. Surmounting the box, a small model of a frigate, all a-tant and ship-shape, represents Her Majestys (God bless her!) frigate Billy-ruffian, on board o which the exhibitor lost his blessed limb.

Jackwe call him Jack, though we confess we are uncertain of his baptismal appellationbecause Jack is a sort of generic name for his speciesJack prides himself on his little Poll and his little ship, which he boasts are the miniature counterparts of their lovely originals; and with these at his back, trudges merrily along, trusting that Providence will help him to keep a southerly wind out of the bread-bag. Jacks songs, as we have remarked, all relate to the seahe is a complete repository of Dibdins choice old ballads and foksl chaunts. Tom Bowling, Lovely Nan, Poor Jack, and Lashd to the helm, with Cease, rude Boreas, and Rule Britannia, are amongst his favourite pieces, but the Bay of Biscay is his crack performance: with this he always commenced, when he wanted to enlist the sympathies of his auditors,mingling with the song sundry interlocutory notes and comments.

Having chosen a quiet street, where the appearance of mothers with blessed babbies in the windows prognosticates a plentiful descent of coppers, Jack commences by pitching his voice uncommonly strong, and tossing Poll and the Billy-ruffian from side to side, to give an idea of the way Neptune sarves the navy,strikes, as one may say, into deep water, by plunging into The Bay of Biscay, in the following manner;

Loud roard the dreadful thunder

The rain a deluge pours

Our sails were split asunder,

By lightnings vivid powrs.

Do, young gentleman!toss a copper to poor little Poll. Ah! bless you, master!may you never want a shot in your locker. Thank the gentleman, Polly

The night both drear and dark,

Our poor desarted bark,

There she lay(lay quiet, Poll!)

There she layNoble lady in the window, look with pity on poor Jack, and his little Pollytill next day,

In the Bay of Biscay O.

Pray, kind lady, help the poor shipwrecked sailorcast away on his voyage to the West Ingees, in a dreadful storm. Sixteen hands on us took to the long-boat, my lady, and was thrown on a desart island, three thousand miles from any land; which island was unfortunately manned by Cannibals, who roast and eat every blessed one of us, except the cooks black boy; and him they potted, my lady, and Im blessd but theyd have potted me, too, if I hadnt sung out to them savages, in this ere sort of way, my lady

Come all you jolly sailors bold,

Whose hearts are cast in honours mould,

While British valour I unfold

Huzza! for the Arethusa!

She was a frigate stout and brave

As ever stemmd the dashing wave

Lord love your honour, and throw the poor sailor who has fought and bled for his country, a trifle to keep him from foundering. Look, your honour, how I lost my precious limb in the sarvice. You see we was in the little Tollymakus frigate, cruising off the banks o Newfland, when we fell in with a saucy Yankee, twice the size of our craft; but, bless your honour, that never makes no odds to British sailors, and so we sarved her out with hot dumpling till she got enough, and forced her to haul down her stripes to the flag of Old England. But somehow, your honour, I caught a chance ball that threw me on my beam-ends, and left me to sing

My name dye sees Tom Tough,

And Ive seen a little sarvice,

Where the mighty billows roll and loud tempests blow,

Ive saild with noble Howe,

And Ive fought with gallant Jarvis,

And in gallant Duncans fleet Ive sungyo-heave-oh!

A sixpence or a shilling rewards Jacks loyalty and eloquence. A violent tossing of Polly and the ship testify his gratitude; and pocketing the coin he has collected, he puts about, and shapes his course for some other port, singing lustily as he goes

Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the waves!

Farewell, POOR JACK!

THOSE DIVING BELLES! THOSE DIVING BELLES! Some of our contemporaries have been dreadfully scandalised at the indelicate scenes which take place on the sands at Ramsgate, where, it seems, a sort of joint-stock social bathing company has been formed by the duckers and divers of both sexes. Situations for obtaining favourable views are anxiously sought after by elderly gentlemen, by whom opera glasses and pocket telescopes are much patronised. Greatly as we admire the investigation of nature in her unadorned simplicity, Ramsgate would be the last place we should select, if we were

A reading man walks over the edge of a precipice. GOING DOWN TO A WATERING PLACE.

[pg 159] PROSPECTUS OF A NEW GRAND NATIONAL AND UNIVERSAL STEAM INSURANCE, RAILROAD ACCIDENT, AND PARTIAL MUTILATION PROVIDENT SOCIETY.

CAPITAL, FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONS, IN ONE HUNDRED MILLION £5 SHARESHALF DEPOSIT, THE DIRECTORS To be duly balloted for from amongst the Consulting Surgeons of the various Metropolitan hospitals.

ACTING SECRETARIES, The County Coroners.

By the constitution of this society, the whole of the profits will be divided among such of the assured as can come to claim them.

The public are particularly requested to bear in mind the double advantage (so great a desideratum to all railroad travellers) of being at one and the same time connected with a Fire, Life, and Partial Mutilation Assurance Company.

The following is offered as a brief synopsis of the general intention of the directors. Deep attention is requested to the various classes:

CLASS I. Relating to Railroads newly opened, consequently rated trebly doubly hazardous. The rate of insurance will be as follows:

PER CENT. Engineer, first six months, total life 90 Legs, at per each 74 Arms, ditto ditto 60 Ribs, per pair, or dozen, as contracted for 55 Dislocations and contusions, per score 50 N.B.A reduction of seven-and- a-half per cent., made after the first six months.

First class passengers will be allowed ten per cent. for the stuffing of all carriages, except the one immediately next the engine, which will be charged as above.

STOKERS. Same as engineers, but a very liberal allowance made to such as the trains have passed over more than once, and a considerable reduction if scalds are not included.

Exceptions.All who have five small children, and are only just appointed.

SECOND CLASS PASSENGERS. In consequence of these travellers being generally more thickly stowed together, the upper half of them have a chance of escape while crushing those underneath, so that a fair reduction, still leaving a living profit to the directors, may be made in their favour. Thus the terms proposed for effecting their policies will be ten-and-a-half per cent. under the first class.

To meet the views of all parties, insurances may be effected from station to station, or on particular limbs. The following are the rates, the insurers paying down the premium at starting:

£ s. d. First Class, leg 1 11 6 Second ditto ditto 1 7 9 First class, arm 1 0 0 Second ditto ditto 0 14 3 First Class, bridge of nose (very common with cuts from glass) 0 8 9 Second ditto ditto (common with contusions from wooden frames) 0 6 4 First Class, teeth each 0 0 9 Whole set 1 1 0 Second Class, ditto 0 0 4¾ Whole set 0 12 2 Necks, where the parties do not carry engraved cards with name and address, First Class 5 5 0 Second ditto 3 3 4 In all cases where the above sums are received in advance, the Company pledge themselves to allow a handsome discount for cuts, scratches, contusions, &c., &c.

All sums insured for to be paid six months after the death or recovery of the individual.

A contract may be entered into for wooden legs, glass eyes, strapping, bandages, splints, and sticking-plaister.

Several enterprising young men as guards, stokers, engineers, experimental tripists, and surgeons, wanted for immediate consumption.

Apply for qualifications and appointments, to the Branch Office, at the New Highgate Cemetery.

NOTHING NEW. The Tories are, truly, Conservative elves,

For every one knows they take care of themselves.

SCHOOL OF DESIGN. The public will be delighted to learn, there can be no doubt, as to the elegant acquirements of the various attachés of the new Tory premier. The peculiar avidity with which they one and all appear determined to secure the salaries for their various suppositionary services, must convince the most sceptical that they have carefully studied the art of drawing.

THE LABOURS OF THE SESSION. None but Ministers know what Ministers go through for the pure love of their country; no person who has not reposed in the luxuriously-cushioned chairs of the Treasury or Downing- street can conceive the amount of business Sir Robert and his colleagues have transacted during the three months they have been in office. The people, we know, have been crying for breadthe manufacturers are starvingbut their rebellious appetites will be appeasedtheir refractory stomachs will feel comforted, when they are told all that their friends the Tories have been doing for them. How will they blush for their ingratitude when they find that the following great measures have been triumphantly carried through Parliament by Sir Roberts exertionsThe VENTILATING OF THE HOUSE BILL! Think of that, ye thin- gutted weavers of Manchester. Drop down on your marrow-bones, and bless the man who gives your representatives fresh airthough he denies youa mouthful of coarse food. Then look at his next immense boonThe ROYAL KITCHEN-GARDEN BILL! What matters it that the gaunt fiend Famine sits at your board, when you can console yourselves with the reflection that cucumbers and asparagus will be abundant in the Royal Kitchen Garden! But Sir Robert does not stop here. What follows next?The FOREIGN BISHOPS BILL! See how our spiritual wants are cared for by your tender- hearted Toriesthey shudder at the thoughts of Englishmen being fed on foreign corn; but they give them instead, a full supply of Foreign Bishops. After that comesThe REPORT OF THE LUNATICS BILL. This important document has been founded on the proceedings in the Upper House, and is likely to be of vast service to the nation at large. Next follows the EXPIRING LAWS BILL! We imagine that a slight error has been made in the title of this bill, and that it should be read Expiring Justice Bill! As to expiring lawstis all a fallacy. One of the glorious privileges of the English Constitution is, that the laws never expireneither do the lawyersthey are everlasting. Justice may die in this happy land, but lawnever!

Again, there is a little grant of some thousands for Prince Alberts stables and dog-kennels! Very proper too; these animals must be lodged, ay, and fed; and the peoplethe creatures whom God made after his own imagethe poor wretches who want nothing but a little bread, will lie down hungry and thankful, when they reflect that the royal dogs and horses are in the best possible condition. But we have not yet mentioned the great crowning work of Ministersthe Queens speech on the Prorogation of the Parliament last week. What an admirable illustration it was of that profound logical deductionthat, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was deductionthat, out of nothing comes nothing! Yet it was not altogether without design, and though some sneering critics have called the old songthe burthen of it was clearly

A man drops a slop bucket on a gentleman. DOWN WITH YOUR DUST.

SO MUCH FOR BUCKINGHAM! MR. SILK BUCKINGHAM being unmercifully reproached by his unhappy publisher upon the dreadful weight of his recent work on America, fortunately espied the youngest son of the enraged and disappointed vendor of volumes actually flying a kite formed of a portion of the first volume. Heavy, retorted Silk, nonsense, sir. Look there! so volatile and exciting is that masterly production, that it has even made that youthful scion of an obdurate line, spite my teetotal feelings,

A windy clothes line with three sheets on it. THREE SHEETS IN THE WIND.

[pg 160] PUNCHS NEW GENERAL LETTER-WRITER. Perhaps no one operation of frequent recurrence and absolute necessity involves so much mental pain and imaginative uneasiness as the reduction of thoughts to paper, for the furtherance of epistolatory correspondence. Some great key-stone to this abstruse sciencesome accurate data from which all sorts and conditions of people may at once receive instruction and assistance, has been long wanting.

Letter-writers, in general, may be divided into two great classes, viz.: those who write to ask favours, and those who write to refuse them. There is a vague notion extant, that in former days a third genus existedthough by no means proportionate to the other twothey were those who wrote to grant favours; these were also remarkable for enclosing remittances and paying the double postageat least, so we are assured; of our knowledge, we can advance nothing concerning them and their (to us) supposititious existence, save our conviction that the race has been long extinct.

Those who write to ask, may be divided into

Creditors. Constituents. Sons. Daughters. Their offspring. Nephews, nieces. Indistinct cousins, and Unknown, dear, and intimate friends. Those who write to refuse, are

Debtors. Members of Parliament Fathers. Mothers. Their kin. Uncles. Aunts. Bilious and distant nabobs, and equally dear friends, who will do anything but what the askers want. We are confident of ensuring the everlasting gratitude of the above parties by laying before them the proper formulæ for their respective purposes; and, therefore, as all the world is composed of two great classes, which, though they run into various ramifications, still retain their original distinguishing characteristicsnamely, that of being either debtors or creditorswe will give the general information necessary for the construction of their future effusions.

(Firstly.)

From a wine-merchant, being a creditor, to a right honourable, being a debtor.

Verjuice-lane, City, January 17, 1841.

MY LORD,I have done myself the honour of forwarding your lordship a splendid sample of exquisite Frontignac, trusting it will be approved of by your lordship. I remain, enclosing your lordships small account, the payment of which will be most acceptable to your lordships most

Obedient very humble servant, GILBERT GRIPES.

THE ANSWER TO THE SAME. The sample is tolerablesend in thirty dozenadd them to your accountand let my steward have them punctually on December 17, 1849.

BOSKEY.

P.S.I expect youll allow discount.

(Secondly.)

From a creditor, being a victim, schneider, sufferer, or tailor, to one who sets off his wares by wearing the same, being consequently a debtor.

HONOURED SIR,I can scarcely express my delight at your kind compliments as to the fit and patterns of the last seventy-three summer waistcoats; the rest of the order is in hand. I enclose a small account of 490l. odd, which will just meet a heavy demand. Will you, sir, forward the same by return of post, to your obliged and devoted

Humble servant, ADOLPHUS JULIO BACKSTITCH.

P. Pink, Esq., &c. &c.

ANSWER TO THE SAME Albany.

You be dd, Backstitch.

PENTWISTLE PINK.

(Thirdly.)

From a constituent in the country, being a creditor upon promises, to a returned member of Parliament in town.

Bumbleton Butts, April 1, 1841.

DEAR SIR,The enthusiastic delight myself (an humble individual) and the immense body of your enraptured constituents felt upon reading your truly patriotic, statesman-like, learned, straightforward and consistent speech, may be conceived by a person of your immense parliamentary imagination, but cannot be expressed by my circumscribed vocabulary. In stating that my trifling exertions for the return of such a patriot are more than doubly recompensed by your noble conduct, may I be allowed to suggest the earnest wish of my eldest son to be in town, for the pleasure of being near such a representative, which alone induces him to accept the situation of landing-waiter you so kindly insisted upon his preparing for. You will, I am sure, be happy to learn, the last baby, as you desired is christened after:the countrys, the peoples, nay, the worlds member!

Believe me, with united regards from Mrs. F. and Joseph, ever your staunch supporter and admirer,

FUNK FLAT.

To Gripe Gammon, Esq., M.P.

(Fourthly.)

ANSWER TO THE SAME, FROM GRIPE GAMMON, M.P. St. Stephens.

DEAR AND KIND CONSTITUENT,I am more than happy. My return for your borough has satisfied you, my country, and myself! What can I say more? Pray give both my names to the dear innocent. Be careful in the spelling, two Ms in Gammon, one following the A, the other preceding the O, and immediately next to the final N. I think I have now answered every point of your really Junisean letter. Let me hear from you soonyou cannot TOO SOONand believe me,

My dear Funk, yours ever, GRIPE GAMMON.

Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.

(Fifthly.)

FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. (SECOND LETTER). Bumbleton Butts, April 4, 1841.

MY DEAR FRIEND AND PATRON,Alls right, the two Ms are in their places, when will Joe be in his? I know your heart; pray excuse my earnestness, but oblige me with an early answer. Joe is dying to be near so kind, so dear, so sincere a friend.

More devotedly than ever yours, FUNK FLAT

G. Gammon, Esq., M.P., &c. &c.

(Sixthly.)

ANSWER FROM THE M.P. TO THE ABOVE. St. Stephens.

How can I express my feelings? My name, mine engrafted on the innocent offspring of the thoroughbred Funks, evermore to be by them and their heirs handed down to posterity! How I rejoice at that circumstance, and the intelligence I have so happily received about the wretched situation you speak of. Fancy, Funk, fancy the man, your son, in a moment of rashness, I meant to succeed, died of a sore-throat! an infallible disorder attendant upon the duties of those dd landing-waiterships. What an escape we have had! The place is given to my butler, so theres no fear. Kiss the child, and believe me ever,

Your sincere and much relieved friend, GRIPE GAMMON.

To Funk Flat, Esq., &c. &c.

From this time forward the correspondence, like Irish reciprocity, is all on one side. It generally consists of four-and-twenty letters from the constituent in the country to the returned member in town. As these are never opened, all that is required is a well-written direction, on a blank sheet of paper.

(Seventhly.)

FROM SONS TO FATHERS. (Several.)

DEAR FATHER,Studies continued(blot)professionfuture hopesapplicationincreased expensesirate landladysmall remittancedutylovesay twenty-five poundsbest wishessister, mother, all at home.

Dutiful son, JOHN JOSKIN.

(Eighthly.)

ANSWER TO THE SAME. Delightedassiduityfuture fortunegreat profession!Increase of familyno cashbest prayers, sister, mother.

Loving father! JOSKIN, SEN.

N.B. By altering the relative positions and sexes, the above is good for all relations! If writing to nabob, more flattery in letter of asker. Strong dose of oaths in refusers answer.

(Ninthly.)

FROM DEAR AND INTIMATE TO A DITTO DITTO. Brighton.

MY DEAR TOM,How are you, old fellow? Here I am, as happy as a prince; that is, I should be if you were with me. You know when we first met! what a time it was! do you remember? How the old times come back, and really almost the same circumstances! Pray do you recollect I wanted one hundred and fifty then? isnt it droll I do now? Send me your check, or bring it yourself.

Ever yours. FITZBROWN SMITH.

T. Tims, Esq.

(Tenthly.)

ANSWER FROM THE DITTO DITTO TO THE DITTO DITTO. OLD FELLOW,Glad to hear you are so fresh! Give you joywish I was with you, but cant come. Damn the last Derbyregularly stumpdcleaned outand done Brown!not a feather to fly with! Need I say how sorry I am. Heres your health in Burgundy. Must make a raise for my Opera-box and a new tilbury. Just lost my last fifty at French hazard.

Ever, your most devoted friend, T. TIMS.

F. Smith, Esq.

[pg 161] THE BARBER OF STOCKSBAWLER. A TALE OF THE SUPERNATURAL. At the little town of Stocksbawler, on the Lower Rhine, in the year of grace 1830, resided one Hans Scrapschins, an industrious and close-shaving barber. His industry met with due encouragement from the bearded portion of the community; and the softer sex, whose greatest fault is fickleness, generally selected Hans for the honour of new-fronting them, when they had grown tired of the ringlets nature had bestowed and which time had frosted.

Hans continued to shave and thrive, and all the careful old burghers foretold of his future well-doing; when he met with a misfortune, which promised for a time to shut up his shop and leave him a beggar. He fell in love.

Neighbours warned Hans of the consequences of his folly; but all remonstrance was vain. Customers became scarce, wearing out their patience and their wigs together; the shop became dirty, and winter saw the flies of summer scattered on his show-board.

Agnes Flirtitz was the prettiest girl in Stocksbawler. Her eyes were as blue as a summers sky, her cheeks as rosy as an autumn sunset, and her teeth as white as winters snow. Her hair was a beautiful flaxennot a drabbut that peculiar sevenpenny-moist-sugar tint which the poets of old were wont to call golden. Her voice was melodious; her notes in alt were equal to Grisis: in short, she would have been a very desirable, loveable young lady, if she had not been a coquette.

Hans met her at a festival given in commemoration of the demise of the burgomasters second wifeI beg pardon, I mean in celebration of his union with his third bride. From that day Hans was a lost barber. Sleeping, waking, shaving, curling, weaving, or powdering, he thought of nothing but Agnes. His love-dreams placed him in all kinds of awkward predicaments. And Agneswhat thought she of the unhappy barber? Nothing, except that he was a presumptuous puppy, and wore very unfashionable garments. Hans received an intimation of this latter opinion; and, after sundry quailings and misgivings, he resolved to dispose of his remaining stock in trade, and, for once, dress like a gentleman. The measure had been taken by the tailor, the garments had been basted and tried on, and Hans was standing at his door in a state of feverish excitement, awaiting their arrival in a completed condition (as there was to be fête on the morrow, at which Agnes was to be present), when a stranger requested to be shaved. Hans wished him at the next barbers; but there was something so unpleasantly positive in the visitors appearance, that he had not the power to object, so politely bowed him into the shop. The stranger removed his cap, and discovered two very ugly protuberances, one on each side of his head, and of most unphrenological appearance. Hans commenced operationsthe lather dried as fast as he laid it on, and the razor emitted small sparks as it encountered the bristles on the strangers chin, Hans felt particularly uncomfortable, and not a word had hitherto passed on either side, when the stranger broke the ice by asking, rather abruptly, Have you any schnapps in the house? Hans jumped like a parched pea. Without waiting for a reply, the stranger rose and opened the cupboard. I never take anything stronger than water, said Hans, in reply, to the pshaw! which broke from the strangers lips as he smelt at the contents of a little brown pitcher. More fool you, replied his customer. Here taste thatsome of the richest grape-blood of Rheingau; and he handed Hans a small flask, which the sober barber respectfully declined. Ha! ha! and yet you hope to thrive with the women, said the stranger. No wonder that Agnes treats you as she does. But drink, man! drink!

The stranger took a pipe, and coolly seated himself again in his chair, hung one leg over the back of another, and striking his finger briskly down his nose, elicited a flame that ignited his tobacco, and then he puffed, and puffed, till every moth in the shop coughed aloud. The uneasiness of Hans increased, and he looked towards the door with the most cowardly intention; and, lo! two laughing, dimpled faces, were peeping in at them. Ha! how are you? said the stranger; come in! come in! and to Hans horror, two very equivocal damsels entered the shop. Hans felt scandalised, and was about to make a most powerful remonstrance, when he encountered the eye of his impertinent customer; and, from its sinister expression, he thought it wise to be silent. One of the damsels seated herself upon the strangers knee, whilst the other looked most coaxingly to the barber; who, however, remained proof to all her winks and blinks, and wreathed smiles.

Sblitzen! exclaimed the lady, the mans an icicle!

Hans, youre a fool! said the stranger; and his enamorata concurred in the opinion. The flask was again profferedthe eye-artillery again brought into action, but Hans remained constant to pump-water and Agnes Flirtitz.

The stranger rubbed the palm of his hand on one of his head ornaments, as though he were somewhat perplexed at the contumacious conduct of the barber; then rising, he gracefully led the ladies out. As he stood with one foot on the step of the door, he turned his head scornfully over his shoulder, and said, Hans, you are nothing buta barber; but before I eat, you shall repent of your present determination.

What security have I that you will keep your word? replied Hans, who felt emboldened by the outside situation of his customer, and the shop poker, of which he had obtained possession.

The best in the world, said the stranger. Here, take these! and placing both rows of his teeth in the hands of the astonished Hans, he quietly walked up the street with the ladies.

The astonishment of Hans had somewhat subsided, when Stitz, the tailor, entered with the so-much and the so-long-expected garments. The stranger was forgotten; the door was bolted, the clothes tried on, and they fitted to a miracle. A small three-cornered piece of looking-glass was held in every direction by the delighted tailor, who declared this performance his chef-duvre and Hans felt, for the first time in his life, that he looked like a gentleman. Without a moments hesitation, or the slightest hint at discount for ready money, he gave the tailor his last thaler, and his old suit of clothes, as per contract; shook Stitzs hand at parting, till every bone of the tailors fingers ached for an hour afterwards, bolted the door, and went to bed the poorest, but happiest barber in Stocksbawler.

After a restless night, Hans rose the next morning with the oddest sensation in the world. He fancied that the bed was shorter, the chairs lower, and the room smaller, than on the preceding day; but attributing this feeling to the feverish sleep he had had, he proceeded to put on his pantaloons. With great care he thrust his left leg into its proper division, when, to his horror and amazement, he found that he had grown two feet at least during the night; and that the pantaloons which had fitted so admirably before, were now only knee-breeches. He rushed to the window with the intention of breaking his neck by a leap into the street, when his eye fell upon the strange customer of the preceding day, who was leaning against the gable-end of the house opposite, quietly smoking his meerschaum. Hans paused; then thought, and then concluded that having found an appetite, he had repented of his boast at parting, and had called for his teeth. Being a good-natured lad, Hans shuffled down stairs, and opening the door, called him to come over. The stranger obeyed the summons, but honourably refused to accept of his teeth, except on the conditions of the wager. To Hans great surprise he seemed perfectly acquainted with the phenomenon of the past night, and good-naturedly offered to go to Stitz, and inform him of the barbers dilemma. The stranger departed, and in a few moments the tailor arrived, and having ascertained by his inch measure the truth of Hans conjectures, bade him be of good cheer, as he had a suit of clothes which would exactly fit him. They had been made for a travelling giant, who had either forgotten to call for them, or suspected that Stitz would require the gelt before he gave up the broadcloth.

The tailor was rightthey did fitand in an hour afterwards Hans was on his way to the fête. When he arrived there many of his old friends stood agape for a few moments: but as stranger things had occurred in Germany than a man growing two feet in one night, they soon ceased to notice the alteration in Hans appearance. Agnes was evidently struck with the improvement of the barbers figure, and for two whole hours did he enjoy the extreme felicity of making half-a-dozen other young gentlemen miserable, by monopolising the arm and conversation of the beauty of Stocksbawler. But pleasure, like fine weather, lasts not for ever; and, as Hans and Agnes turned the corner of a path, his eye again encountered the stranger. Whether it was from fear or dislike he knew not, but his heart seemed to sink, and so did his body; for to his utter dismay, he found that he had shrunk to his original proportions, and that the garment of the giant hung about him in anything but graceful festoons. He felt that he was a human telescope, that some infernal power could elongate or shut up at pleasure.

The whole band of jealous rivals set up the Laughing Chorus, and Agnes, in the extremity of her disgust, turned up her nose till she nearly fractured its bridge, whilst Hans rushed from the scene of his disgrace, and never stopped running until he opened the door of his little shop, threw himself into a chair, and laid his head down upon an old family Bible which chanced to be upon the table. In this position he continued for some time, when, on raising his head, he found his tormentor and the two ladies, grouped like the Graces, in the centre of the apartment.

Well, Scrapshins, said the gentleman, I have called for my teeth. You see I have kept my promise. Hans sighed deeply, and the ladies giggled.

Nay, man, never look so glum! Here, take the flaskforget Agnes, and console yourself with the love of

The conclusion of this harangue must for ever remain a mystery; for Hans, at this moment, took up the family volume which had served him for a pillow, and dashed it at the heads of the trio. A scream, so loud that it broke the tympanum of his left ear, seemed to issue from them simultaneouslya thick vapour filled the room, which gradually cleared off, and left no traces of Hans visitors but three small sticks of stone brimstone. The truth flashed upon the barberhis visitor was the far-famed Mephistopheles. Hans packed up his remaining wardrobe, razor, strop, soap-dish, scissors and combs, and turned his back upon Stocksbawler forever. Four years passed away, and Hans was again a thriving man, and Agnes Flirtitz the wife of the doctor of Stocksbawler. Another year passed on, and Hans was both a husband and a father; but the coquette who had nearly been his ruin had eloped with the chasseur of a travelling nobleman.

LAURIE ON GEOGRAPHY. Sir P. Laurie has sent to say that he has looked into Dr. Farrs Medical Guide to Nice, and is much disappointed. He hoped to have seen a print of the eternally-talked of Nice Young Man, in the costume of the country. He doubts, moreover, that the Doctor has ever been there, for his remarks show him not to have been over Nice.

COOMBES LUNGS AND LEARNING. Dr. Coombe, in his new work upon America, by some anatomical process, invariably connects large lungs with expansive intellect. Our and Finsburys friend, Tom Duncombe, declares, in his opinion, this must be the origin of the received expression for the mighty savans, viz., the lights of literature.

[pg 162] PARLIAMENTARY MASONS.PARLIAMENTARY PICTURES. Was there ever anything so lucky that the strike of the masons should have happened at this identical juncture! Parliament is prorogued. Now, deducting Sir Robert Peel, physician, with his train of apothecaries and pestle-and- mortar apprentices, who, until February next, are to sit cross-legged and try to think, there are at least six hundred and thirty unemployed members of the House of Commons, turned upon the world with nothing, poor fellows! but grouse before them. Some, to be sure, may pick their teeth, in the Gardens of the Tuileriessome may even now venture to exercise their favourite elbow at Baden-Baden,but with every possible and probable exception, there will yet be hundreds of unemployed law- makers, to whom time will be a heavy porters burden.

We have a plan which, for its originality, should draw down upon us the gratitude of the nation. It is no other than this: to make all Members of Parliament, for once in their lives at least, useful. The masons, hired to build the new temples of Parliament, have struck. The hard- handed ingrates,let them go! We propose that, during the prorogation at least, Members of Parliament, should, like beavers, build their own Houses. In a word, every member elected to a seat in Parliament should be compelled, like Robinson Crusoe, to make his own furniture before he could sit down upon it.

Have we not a hundred examples of the peculiar fitness of the task, in the habits of what in our human arrogance we call the lower animals? There is many a respectable spider who would justly feel himself calumniated by any comparison between him and any one of twenty Parliamentary lawyers we could name; yet the spider spins its own web, and seeks its own nook of refuge from the Reform Broom of Molly the housemaid. And then, the tiny insect, the antthat living, silent monitor to unregarding mendoth it not make its own galleries, build with toilsome art its own abiding place? Does not the mole scratch its own chamberthe carrion kite build its own nest! Shall cuckoos and Members of Parliament alone be lodged at others pains?

Consider the wasp, oh, STANLEY! mark its nest of paper.(it is said, on wasps paper you are wont to write your thoughts on Ireland)and resolutely seize a trowel!

Look to the bee, oh, COLONEL SIBTHORP! See how it elaborates its virgin wax, how it shapes its luscious coneand though we would not trust you to place a brick upon a brick, nevertheless you may, under instruction, mix the mortar!

Ponder on the rat and its doings, most wise BURDETTsee how craftily it makes its holeand though you are too age-stricken to carry a hod, you may at least do this muchsift the lime.

But wherefore thus particularwhy should we dwell on individuals? Pole- cat, weasel, ferret, hedgehog, with all your vermin affinities, come forth, and staring reproachfully in the faces of all prorogued Members, bid them imitate your zeal and pains, andthe masons having struckbuild their Houses for themselves.

(We make this proposal in no thoughtlessno bantering spirit. He can see very little into the most transparent mill-stone who believes that we pen these essaysessays that will endure and glisten as long, ay as long as the freshest mackerelif he think that we sit down to this our weekly labour in a careless lackadaisical humour. By no means. Like Sir LYTTON BULWER, when he girds up his loins to write an apocryphal comedy, we approach our work with graceful solemnity. Like Sir LYTTON, too, we always dress for the particular work we have in hand. Sir LYTTON wrote Richelieu in a harlequins jacket (sticking pirates pistols in his belt, ere he valorously took whole scenes from a French melo-drama): we penned our last weeks essay in a suit of old canonicals, with a tie-wig askew upon our beating temples, and are at this moment cased in a court- suit of cut velvet, with our hair curled, our whiskers crisped, and a masonic apron decorating our middle man. Having subsided into our chairit is in most respects like the porphyry piece of furniture of the Popeand our housekeeper having played the Dead March in Saul on our chamber organ (BULWER wrote The Sea Captain to the preludizing of a Jews-harp), we enter on our this weeks labour. We state thus much, that our readers may know with what pains we prepare ourselves for them. Besides, when BULWER thinks it right that the world should know that the idea of La Vailière first hit him in the rotonde of a French diligence, modest as we are, can we suppose that the world will not be anxious to learn in what coloured coat we think, and whether, when we scratch our head to assist the thought that sticks by the way, we displace a velvet cap or a Truefitts scalp?)

Reader, the above parenthesis may be skipped or not. Read not a line of itthe omission will not maim our argument. So to proceed.

If we cast our eyes over the debates of the last six months, we shall find that hundreds of members of the House of Commons have exhibited the most extraordinary powers of ill-directed labour. And then their capacity of endurance! Arguments that would have knocked down any reasonable elephant have touched them no more than would summer gnats. Well, why not awake this sleeping strength? Why not divert a mischievous potency into beneficial action? Why should we confine a body of men to making laws, when so many of them might be more usefully employed in wheeling barrows? Now there is Mr. PLUMPTRE, who has done so much to make English Sundays respectablewould he not be working far more enduring utility with pickaxe or spade than by labouring at enactments to stop the flowing of the Thames on the Sabbath? Might not DISRAELI be turned into a very jaunty carpenter, and be set to the light interior work of both the Houses? His logic, it is confessed, will support nothing; but we think he would be a very smart hand at a hat-peg.

As for much of the joinery-work, could we have prettier mechanics than Sir James GRAHAM and Sir Edward KNATCHBULL? When we remember their opinions on the Corn Laws, and see that they are a part of the cabinet which has already shown symptoms of some approaching alteration of the Bread Taxwhen we consider their enthusiastic bigotry for everything as it is, and Sir Robert PEELS small, adventurous liberality, his half- bashful homage to the spirit of the agesure we are that both GRAHAM and KNATCHBULL, to remain component members of the Peel Cabinet, must be masters of the science of dove-tailing; and hence, the men of men for the joinery-work of the new Houses of Parliament.

Again how many members from their long experience in the small jobbery of committeesfrom their profitable knowledge of the mysteries of private bills and certain other unclean work which may, if he please, fall to the lot of the English senatorhow many of these lights of the times might build small monuments of their genius in the drains, sewerage, and certain conveniences required by the deliberative wisdom of the nation? We have seen the plans of Mr. BARRY, and are bound to praise the evidence of his taste and genius; but we know that the structure, however fair and beautiful to the eye, must have its foul places; and for the dark, dirty, winding ways of Parliamentreader, take a list of her Majestys Commons, and running your finger down their names, pick us out three hundred able-bodied labourersthree hundred stalwart night workmen in darkness and corruption. We ask the country, need it care for the strike of Petos men (the said Peto, by the way, is in no manner descended from Falstaffs retainer), when there is so much unemployed labour, hungering only for the countrys good?

We confess to a difficulty in finding among the members of the present Parliament a sufficient number of stone-squarers. When we know that there are so few among them who can look upon more than one side of a question, we own that the completion of the building may be considerably delayed by employing only members of Parliament as square workmen: the truth is, having never been accustomed to the operation, they will need considerable instruction in the art. Those, however, rendered incapable, by habit and nature, of the task, may cast rubbish and carry a hod.

We put it to the patriotism of members of Parliament, whether they ought not immediately to throw themselves into the arms of Peto and Grissell, with an enthusiastic demand for tools. If they be not wholly insensible of the wants of the nation and of their own dignity, Monday mornings sun will shine upon every man of her Majestys majority, for once laudably employed in the nations good. How delightful then to saunter near the workshow charming then to listen to members of Parliament! What a picture of senatorial industry! For an Irish speech by STANLEY, have we not the more dulcet music of his stone-cutting saw? Instead of an oration from GOULBURN, have we not the shrill note of his ungreased parliamentary barrow? For the hear, hear of PLUMPTRE, the more accordant tapping of the hammerfor the cheer from INGLIS, the sweeter chink of the masons chisel?

And then the moral and physical good acquired by the workmen themselves! After six days toil, there is scarcely one of them who will not feel himself wonderfully enlightened on the wants and feelings of labouring man. They will learn sympathy in the most efficient mannerby the sweat of their brow. Pleasant, indeed, twill be to see CASTLEREAGH lean on his axe, and beg, with Sly, for a pot of the smallest ale.

Having, we trust, remedied the evils of the masons strikehaving shewn that the fitness of things calls upon the Commons, in the present dilemma, to build their own housewe should feel it unjust to the government not to acknowledge the good taste which, as we learn, has directed that an estimate be taken of the disposable space on the walls of the new buildings, to be devoted to the exalted work of the historical painter. Records of the greatness of England are to endure in undying hues on the walls of Parliament.

This is a praiseworthy object, but to render it important and instructive, the greatest judgment must be exercised in the selection of subjects; which, for ourselves, we would have to illustrate the wisdom and benevolence of Parliament. How beautifully would several of the Duke of WELLINGTONS speeches paint! For instance, his portrait of a famishing Englishman, the drunkard and the idler, no other man (according to his grace) famishing in England! And then the Dukes view of the shops of butchers, and poulterers, and bakersall in the Dutch styleby which his grace has lately proved, that if there be distress, it can certainly not be for want of comestibles! But the theme is too suggestive to be carried out in a single paper.

We trust that portraits of members will be admitted. BURDETT and GRAHAM, half-whig, half-tory, in the style of Death and the Lady, will make pretty companion pictures.

To do full pictorial justice to the wisdom of the senate, Parliament will want a peculiar artist: that gifted man CAN be no other than the artist to PUNCH!

Q.

[pg 163] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. XIV. A poor family with three small children. THE IMPROVIDENT; OR, TURNED UPON THE WIDE WORLD.

[pg 165] THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. III.OF HIS GRADUAL DEVELOPMENT. For the first two months of the first winter session the fingers of the new man are nothing but ink-stains and industry. He has duly chronicled every word that has fallen from the lips of every professor in his leviathan note book; and his desk teems with reports of all the hospital cases, from the burnt housemaid, all cotton-wool and white lead, who set herself on fire reading penny romances in bed, on one side of the hospital, to the tipsy glazier who bundled off his perch and spiked himself upon the area rails on the other. He becomes a walking chronicle of pathological statistics, and after he has passed six weeks in the wards, imagines himself an embryo Hunter.