Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (16)

Twas then, and not till then, my heart

To love thee did refuse;

My vows became (false that thou art!)

Another pair of shoes!

AFFAIRS IN CHINA. PRIVATE LETTER FROM A YOUNG OFFICER AT THE ENGLISH FACTORY, CANTON, TO HIS BROTHER IN ENGLAND. DEAR TOM,Everything is going on gloriouslythe British arms are triumphantand we now only require the Emperor of Chinas consent to our taking possession of his territory, which I am sorry to say there is at present no likelihood of obtaining. However, there is little doubt, if we be not all swept off by ague and cholera, that we shall be able to maintain our present position a few months longer. Our situation here would be very comfortable if we had anything to eat, except bad beef and worse biscuit; these, however, are but trifling inconveniences; and though we have no fresh meat, we have plenty of fish in the river. One of our men caught a fine one the other day, which was bought and cooked for the officers mess, by which means we were all nearly destroyedthe fish unfortunately happening to be of a poisonous nature; in consequence of which a general order was issued the next day, forbidding the troops to catch or eat any more fish. The country around the factory is beautiful; but we deem it prudent to keep within the walls, as the Chinese are very expert at picking up stragglers, whom they usually strangle. Beyond this we cannot complain of our situation; fowls are extremely abundant, but I have not seen any, the inhabitants having carried them up the country along with their cattle and provisions of every description. The water here is so brackish that it is almost impossible to drink it; there are, however some wells of delicious water in the neighbourhood, which would be a real treasure to us if the Chinese had not poisoned them. Notwithstanding these unavoidable privations, the courage of our troops is indomitable; a detachment of the th regiment succeeded last week in taking possession of an island in the river, nearly half an acre in extent; it has, however, since been deemed advisable to relinquish this important conquest, owing to the muddy nature of the soil, into which several of our brave fellows sank to the middle, and were with difficulty extricated. A gallant affair took place a few days ago between two English men-of-wars boats and a Chinese market junk, which was taken after a resolute defence on the part of the Chinaman and his wife, who kept up a vigorous fire of pumpkins and water-melons upon our boats, until their supply was exhausted, when they were forced to surrender to British valour. The captured junk has since been cut up for the use of the forces. Though this unpleasant state of affairs has interrupted all formal intercourse between the Chinese and English, Captain Elliot has given a succession of balls to the occupants of a small mud fort near the shore, which I fear they did not relish, as several of them appeared exceedingly hurt, and removed with remarkable celerity out of reach of the Captains civilities. Thus, instead of opening the trade, this proceeding has only served to open the breach. The Emperor, I hear, is enraged at our successes, and has ordered the head and tail of the mandarin, Keshin, to be sent in pickle to the imperial court at Pekin. A new mandarin has arrived, who has presented a chop to Captain Elliott, but I hope, where there is so much at stake, that he will not be put off with a chop. There is no description of tea to be had in the market now but gunpowder, which, by the last reports, is going off briskly. Our amusements are not very numerous, being chiefly confined to yawning and sleeping; of this latter recreation I must confess that we enjoy but little, owing to the mosquitos, who are remarkably active and persevering in their attacks upon us. But with the exception of these tormenting insects, and a rather alarming variety of centipedes, scorpions, and spiders, we have no venomous creatures to disturb us. The weather is extremely hot, and the advantages of the river for bathing would be very great if it were not so full of sharks. I have much more to relate of our present cheering prospects and enviable situation, but a ship is on the point of sailing for England, so must conclude in haste.

Ever, dear Tom, yours, R.B.

POACHED EGOTISM. The Examiner observes, in speaking of the types of the new premiers policy,The state, I am the state, said the most arrogant of French monarchs. The administration, I am the administration, would seem to say Sir Robert Peel. In the speech explanatory of his views, which cannot be likened to Wolseys Ego et Rex meus, because the importance of the ego is not impaired by any addition.This literally amounts to a conviction, on the part of the editor of the Examiner, that the premiers expression is all in his I.

THE POLITICAL NATURALISTS LIBRARY CONTENTS OF THE VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. THE SUPER-NATURAL HISTORY OF HUMMING BIRDS.With Memoir and Portraits of Peel, Stanley and Aberdeen.

BIRDS OF THE GAME KIND.Portrait and Memoir of Mr. Gully.

FISHES OF THE PERCH GENUS.Biographical notices of the late Ministry.

RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 1.Contents: Goats, &c. Portrait of Mr. Muntz.

RUMINATING ANIMALS, Vol. 2.Contents: Deer, Antelopes, &c. Portrait of Mr. Roebuck.

MARSUPIALS, OR POUCHED ANIMALS.With many plates. Portrait and Memoir of Daniel OConnell, Esq.

BRITISH BUTTERFLIES.Portrait and Memoir of Sir E. Lytton Bulwer.

COMPLETION OF THE WORK.Considerable progress has been making in the concluding volume of the series. Rats, with portraits of Burdett, Gibson, Wakley, et genus omne; but the subject is so vast that no definite time can be fixed for its publication.

A GREAT CARD. MR. WAKLEY begs to inform the Lords of the Treasury, the editor of the Times, and the Master of the Mint, that ever anxious to rise in the world, he has recently been induced to undertake the sweeping of Conservative flues, and the performance of any dirty work which his Tory patrons may deem him worthy to perform. Certain objections having been made as to his qualifications for a climbing boy, Mr. W. pledges himself to undergo any course of training, to enable him to get through the business, and to remove any apprehension of his ever becoming

A small black man standing in a bag, holding a brush. A POTTED BLOATER.

THE POETICAL JUSTICE. SIR PETER LAURIE, in commenting upon the late case of false imprisonment, where two young men had been unjustifiably handcuffed by the police, delivered himself of the following exquisite piece of rhetoric:He did not think it possible that such a case of abuse could pass unnoticed as that he had just heard. The general conduct of the police was, he believed, good; but the instances of arbitrary conduct and overbearing demeanour set to flight all the ancient examples brought forward to enrich by contrast the serious parts of the glorious genius of Shakspeare. We never understood or imagined there was an Anacreon among the aldermen, a Chaucer in the common council, or a Moliere at the Mansion-house. We have now discovered the Peter Lauriate of the Citythe poet of the Poultry. Who, in the face of the above sentence, can deny his right to these titles, if, like ourselves, they are

A tough-looking man. OPEN TO CONVICTION!

THE EVIL MOST TO BE DREADED. A clergyman, lately preaching to a country congregation, used the following persuasive arguments against the vice of swearing:Oh, my brethren, avoid this practice, for it is a great sin, and, what is more, it is ungenteel!

[pg 144] PUNCHS THEATRE. WHAT WILL THE WORLD SAY? The family of the Sponges distributes itself over the entire face of societyits members are familiar with almost every knocker, and with nearly everybodys dinner-hour. They not unfrequently come in with the eggs, and only go out with the last glass of negus. They seem to possess the power of ubiquity; for, go where you will, your own especial sponge (and everybody with more than two hundred a-year has one), is sure to present himself. He is ready for anything, especially where eating, love, duelling, or drinking, is concerned. To oblige you, he will breakfast at supper-time, or sup at breakfast-time; he will drink any given quantity, at any time, and will carry any number of declarations of love to any number of ladies, or of challenges to whole armies of rivals: thus far he is useful; for he is obliging, and will do anythingbut pay.

When he has absorbed all the moisture his victims are able to supply, he may be seen walking about in moody solitude in the parks, where he sponges upon the ducks, and owes for the use of the chairs. In this dry and destitute condition, behold the sponge of the Covent-Garden ComedyCaptain Tarradiddle. He is in St. James Park; for, possessing imaginary rather than substantial claims to military rank, he flits about the Horse-Guards to keep up his character. A person is already upon the stage, for whom you instinctively shudderyou perceive, at once, that he is in for dinner, wine, theatre, and supperyou pity him; you see the sponge, speciously, but surely, fasten himself upon his victim like a vampire. Mr. Pye Hilary, being a barrister and a man of the world, resigns himself, however, to his fate. As to shaking off his leech, he knows that to be impossible; and he determines to make what use of him he can. There is a fine opportunity, for Mr. Pye Hilary is in love, in despair, and in waiting: he expects his mistresss abigail; in negociating with whom, he conceives Tarradiddle will be a valuable assistant. Mrs. Tattle arrives. Preliminaries having been duly settled, articles offensive and defensive are entered into, to carry out a plan by which the lover shall gain an interview with the mistress; and the treaty is ratified by a liberal donation, which the Captain makes to the maid out of his friends purse. The servant is satisfied, and goes off in the utmost agitation, for Miss Mayley and her guardian are coming; and she dreads being caught in the fact of bribery. Mr. Hilary trembles; so does the young lady, when she appears; and the agitation of all parties is only put an end to by the fall of the act-drop.

If any class of her Majestys subjects are more miserable than another, it is that of gentlemens servants. One of these oppressed persons is revealed to us in the next act. Poor fellow! he has nothing to do but to sit in the hall, and nothing to amuse him but the newspaper. But his misfortunes do not end here: as if to add insult to injury, the family governess presumes to upbraid him, and actually insists upon his taking a letter to the post. Mr. Nibble declines performing so undignified a service, in the most footman-like terms; but unfortunately, as it generally happens, in families where there are pretty governesses and gallant sons, Miss de Vere has a protector in the Hon. Charles Norwold, who overhears her unreasonable demand, and with a degree of injustice enough to make the entire livery of London rave with indignation, inflicts upon his fathers especial livery, and Nibbles illustrious person, a severe caning. The consequence of this strike is, that Nibble gives warning, Lord and Lady Norwold are paralysed at this important resignation; for by it they discover that a secret coalition has taken place between their son and the governessthey are man and wife! Good heavens! the heir of all the Norwolds marry a teacher, who has nothing to recommend her but virtue, talent, and beauty! Monstrous!What will the world say?

The treaty formed between Mistress Tattle and Mr. Pye Hilary is in the next act being acted upon. We behold Captain Tarradiddle, as one of the high contracting parties ambassador, taking lodgings in a house exactly opposite to that in which Miss Mayley resides. Of course nothing so natural as that the Captain should indulge his friend with a visit for a few days, or, if possible, for a few weeks. It is also natural that the host, under the circumstances, should wish to know something of the birth, parentage, and education of his guest, of which, though an old acquaintance; he is, as yet, entirely ignorant. Now, if it be possible to affront a real sponge (but there is nothing more difficult), such inquiries are likely to produce that happy consummation. Tarradiddle, however, gets over the difficulty with the tact peculiar to his class, and is fortunately interrupted by the announcement that Tattle is in the parlour, duly keeping her agreement, by bringing her mistresss favourite canary, which, having flown away quite by accident, under her guidance, has chosen to perch in Hilarys new lodging, on purpose to give him the opportunity of returning it, and of obtaining an interview with Miss Mayley. The expedient succeeds in the next scene; the lover bows and stammersas lovers do at first interviewsthe lady is polite but dignified, and Tarradiddle, who has been angling for an invitation, has his hopes entirely put to flight by the entrance of the ladys guardian, Mr. Warner, who very promptly cuts matters short by ringing the bell and saying Good evening, in that tone of voice which always intimates a desire for a good riddance. This hint is too broad ever to be mistaken; so the sponge and his victim back out.

Mr. Warner is a merchant, and all merchants in plays are the noblest characters the world can boast, and very rich. Thus it has happened that Warner has, through a money-agent, one Grub, been enabled to lend, at various times, large sums of money, to Lady Norwoldher ladyship being one of those who, dreading what will the world say? is by no means an economist, and prefers ruin to retrenchment. As security for these loans, the lady deposits her jewels, suite by suite, till the great object of all Warners advances gets into his possessionnamely, a bracelet, which is a revered relic of the Norwold family. So far Warner, in spite of a troublesome ward, and his late visitors, is happy; but he soon receives a letter, which puts his happiness to flight. His daughter, who has been on a visit in Paris, became, he now learns, united some months before, to Charles Norwold, and a governess in his fathers family. By further inquiries, he learns that the son is discarded, and is, with his wife, consigned to beggary, for fear ofwhat will the world say?

The fourth act exhibits one of the scenes of human life hitherto veiled from the eyes of the most pryinga genuine specimen of the sponge speciesat home! Actually living under a roof that he calls his own; in company with a wife who is certainly nobody elses. She is ironingTarradiddle is smoking, and, like all smokers, philosophising. Here we learn the Honourable Charles Norwold and his wife have taken lodgings; hither they are pursued by Hilary, who has managed to ingratiate himself with Warner, and undertaken to trace the merchants lost daughter; here, to Pyes astonishment, he finds his friend and sponge. Some banter ensues, not always agreeable to the Captain, but all ends very pleasantly by the entrance of Warner, who discovers his daughter, and becomes a father-in-law with a good grace.

The denouement is soon told:Warner, having received his daughter and her husband, gives a party at which Lady, and afterwards Lord Norwold, are present. Here Warners anxiety to obtain the bracelet is explained. He reminds his lordship that he once accused his elder brother of stealing that very bauble; and the consequence was, that the accused disappeared, and was never after heard of. Warner avows himself to be that brother, but declines disturbing the rights or property of his lordship, if he will again receive his son. This is, of course, done. Hilary jokes himself into Miss Mayleys good graces, and Tarradiddle, in all the glories of a brown coat, and an outrageously fine waistcoat, enters to make the scene complete, and to help to speak the tag, in which all the characters have a hand; Mrs. Glover ending by making a propitiatory appeal to the audience in favour of the author, who ought to be very grateful to her for the captivating tones in which she asked for an affirmative answer to the question

What will the world say?

Circumstances prevent us from giving any opinion whatever, except upon the scenery, the appointments, and the acting. The first is beautifulthe second appropriate and splendidthe last natural, pointed, and in good taste.

SIBTHORPIANA. A clergyman was explaining to the gallant officer the meaning of the phrase born again; but it was quite unintelligible to Sib., who remarked that he knew no one who could bear him even once.

Do you read the notice to correspondents in PUNCH? quoth Sib.I do, replied Hardinge, and I wonder people should send them such trash.Pooh! retorted the punsterPooh! you know that wherever PUNCH is to be found, there are always plenty of spoons after it.

Its a wonder youre not drunk, said Sibthorp to Wielanda great wonder, becausedo you give it up?Because youre a tumbler full of spirits.

CURIOUS AMBIGUITY. The correspondent of a London paper, writing from Sunderland respecting the report that Lord Howick had been fired at by some ruffian, says, with great naïveté, a gun was certainly pointed at his lordships head, but it is generally believed there was nothing in it.We confess we are at a loss to know whether the facetious writer alludes to the gun or the head.

THE THORNY PREMIER. A Tory evening paper tells its readers that Sir Robert Peel expects a harassing opposition from the late ministry, but that he is prepared for them on all points. This reminds us of the defensive expedient of the hedgehog, which, conscious of its weakness, rolls itself into a ball, to be prepared for its assailants on all points.

TO PROFESSORS OF LANGUAGES WHO GIVE LONG CREDIT AND TAKE SMALL PAY. Mister F. &c. &c. &c. Bayley is anxious to treat for a course of lessons in the purest Irish. None but such as will conceal a West Indian patois will be of the slightest use. For particulars, and cards to view, apply to Mr. Catnach, Music and Marble Warehouse, Seven-dials.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. OCTOBER 9, 1841. [pg 145] A MANUAL OF DENOUEMENTS. In the kings name,

Let fall your swords and daggers.CRITIC.

A hunter with a rifle in front of two leaning trees forms a letter A. melo-drama is a theatrical dose in two or three acts, according to the strength of the constitution of the audience. Its component parts are a villain, a lover, a heroine, a comic character, and an executioner. These having simmered and macerated through all manner of events, are strained off together into the last scene; and the effervescence which then ensues is called the dénouement, and the dénouement is the soul of the drama.

Dénouements are of three kinds:The natural, the unnatural, and the supernatural.

The natural is achieved when no probabilities are violated;that is, when the circumstances are such as really might occurif we could only bring ourselves to think soas, (ex. gr.)

When the villain, being especially desirous to preserve and secrete certain documents of vital importance to himself and to the piece, does, most unaccountably, mislay them in the most conspicuous part of the stage, and straightway they are found by the very last member of the dram. pers. in whose hands he would like to see them.

When the villain and his accomplice, congratulating each other on the successful issue of their crimes, and dividing the spoil thereof (which they are always careful to do in a loud voice, and in a room full of closets), are suddenly set upon and secured by the innocent yet suspected and condemned parties, who are at that moment passing on their way to execution.

When the guiltless prisoner at the bar, being asked for his defence, and having no witnesses to call, produces a checked handkerchief, and subpoenas his own conscience, which has such an effect on the villain, that he swoons, and sees demons in the jury-box, and tells them that he is ready, and that he comes, &c. &c.

When the deserter, being just about to be shot, is miraculously saved by his mistress, who cuts the matter very fine indeed, by rushing in between present and fire; and, having ejaculated a reprieve! with all her might, falls down, overcome by fatiguepoor dear! as well she mayhaving run twenty-three miles in the changing of a scene, and carried her baby on her arm all the blessed way, in order to hold him up in the tableau at the end.

N.B.Whenever married people rescue one another as above, the dénouement belongs to the class unnatural; which is used when the author wishes to show the intensity of his inventionas, (ex. gr. again)

When an old man, having been wounded fatally by a young man, requests, as a boon, to be permitted to examine the young mans neck, who, accordingly unloosing his cravat, displays a hieroglyphic neatly engraved thereon, which the old man interprets into his being a parricide, and then dies, leaving the young man in a state of histrionic stupor.

When a will is found embellished with a Daguerréotype of four fingers and a thumb, done in blood on the cover, and it turns out that the residuary legatee is no better than he should bebut, on the contrary, a murderer nicely ripe for killing.

The supernatural dénouement is the last resource of a bewildered dramatist, and introduces either an individual in green scales and wings to match, who gives the audience to understand that he is a fiend, and that he has private business to transact below with the villain; who, accordingly, withdraws in his company, with many throes and groans, down the trap.

Or a pale ghost in dingy lawn, apparently afflicted with a serious haemorrhage in the bosom, who appears to a great many people, running, in dreams; and at last joins the hands of the young couple, and puts in a little plea of her own for a private burial.

And there are many other variations of the three great classes of dénouements; such as the helter-skelter nine-times-round-the-stage- combat, and the grand mêlée in which everybody kills everybody else, and leaves the piece to be carried on by their executors; but we dare unveil the mystery no further.

SPORTING FACE. Well, said Roebuck to OConnell, despite Peels double-face propensities, he is a great genius. A great Janus indeed, answered the liberathor.

A RING! A RING!! The political pugilistic scrimmage which recently took place in the House of Congress so completely coincides with the views and propensities of the universal scrimmage member for Bath, that he intends making a motion for the erection of a twenty-four-foot- ring on the floor of the House, for the benefit of opposition members. The Speaker, says Roebuck, will, in that case, be enabled to ascertain whether the noes or ayes have it, without tellers.

PUNCHS GUIDE TO THE WATERING PLACES.No. 1. BRIGHTON If you are either in a great hurry, or tired of life, book yourself by the Brighton railroad, and you are ensured one of two thingsarrival in two hours, or destruction by that rapid process known in America as immortal smash, which brings you to the end of your journey before you get to the terminus. Should you fortunately meet with the former result, and finish your trip without ending your mortal career, you find the place beset with cads and omnibuses, which are very convenient; for if your hotel or boarding-house be at the extremity of the town, you would have to walk at least half a mile but for such vehicles, and they only charge sixpence, with the additional advantage of the great chance of your luggage being lost. If you be a married man, you will go to an hotel where you can get a bed for half-a-guinea a night, provided you do not want it warmed, and use your own soap; but it is five shillings extra if you do. Should you be a bachelor, or an old maid, you, of course, put up at a boarding-house, where you see a great deal of good society at two guineas a week; for every third man is a captain, and every fifth woman my lady. There, too, you observe a continual round of courtship going on; for it comes in with the coffee, and continues during every meal. Marriages, it is said, are made in heavengood matches are always got up at meal-times in Brighton boarding-houses.

Brighton is decidedly a fishing-town, for besides the quantity of John Dorys caught there, it is a celebrated place for pursey half-pay officers to angle in for rich widows. The bait they generally use consists of dyed whiskers, and a distant relationship to some of the gentles or nobles of the land. The town itself is built upon the downsa series of hills, which those in the habit of walking over them are apt to call ups and downs. It consists entirely of hotels, boarding-houses, and bathing-machines, with a pavilion and a chain-pier. The amusements are various, and of a highly intellectual character: the chief of them being a walk from the esplanade to the east cliff, and a promenade back again from the east cliff to the esplanade. Donkey-races are in full vogue, insomuch that the highways are thronged with interesting animals, decorated with serge-trappings and safety-saddles, and interspersed with goat-carts and hired flys. There is a library, where the visiters do everything but read; and a theatre, whereas Charles Kean is now playing therethey do anything but act. The ladies seem to take great delight in the sea-bath, and that they may enjoy the luxury in the most secluded privacy, the machines are placed as near to the pier as possible. This is always crowded with men, who, by the aid of opera glasses, find it a pleasing pastime to watch the movements of the delicate Naiads who crowd the waters.

Those to whom Brighton is recommended for change of air and of scene get sadly taken in, for here the airlike that of a barrel-organnever changes, as the wind is always high. In sunshine, Brighton always looks hot; in moonshine, eternally dreary; the men are yawning all day long, and the women sitting smirking in bay-windows, or walking with puppy- dogs and parasols, which last they are continually opening and shutting. In short, when a man is sick of the world, or a maiden of forty-five has been so often crossed in love as to be obliged to leave off hoping against hope, Brighton is an excellent place to prepare him or her for a final retirement from lifewhether that is contemplated in the Queens Bench, a convent, a residence among the Welsh mountains, or the monastery of La Trappe, a months probation in Brighton, at the height of the season, being well calculated to make any such change not only endurable, but agreeable.

CUSTOM-HOUSE SALE. LOT 1.A PORT. For sale, Thorwaldsens Byron, rich in beauty,

Because his country owes, and will not pay, duty.

[pg 146] THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER VI. TREATS OF CHALK-AND-QUA- DRILL-OGY. A shepherd sits under a tree, forming a letter E. ntirely disgusted with his unsuccessful appeal to the enlightened British public assembled in the front of his residence, and which had produced effects so contrary to what he had conceived would be the result, Agamemnon called a committee of his household, to determine on the most advisable proceedings to be adopted for remedying the evils resulting from the unexpected pyrotechnic display of the morning. The carpet was spoiledthe house was impregnated with the sooty effluvia, and the company was expected to arrive at nine oclock. What was to be done? Betty suggested the burning of brown paper and scrubbing the carpet; John, assaftida and sawdust; Mrs. Waddledot, pastilles and chalking the floor. As the latter remedies seemed most compatible with the gentility of their expected visiters, immediate measures were taken for carrying them into effect. A dozen cheese-plates were disposed upon the stairs, each furnished with little pyramids of fragrance; old John, who was troubled with an asthma, was deputed to superintend them, and nearly coughed himself into a fit of apoplexy in the strenuous discharge of his duty.

Whilst these in-door remedial appliances were in progress, Agamemnon was hurrying about in a hack cab to discover a designer in chalk, and at length was fortunate enough to secure the own artist of the celebrated Crown and Anchor. Mr. Smear was a shrewd man, as well as an excellent artist; and when he perceived the very peculiar position of things, he forcibly enumerated all the difficulties which presented themselves, and which could only be surmounted by a large increase of remuneration.

You see, sir, said Mr. Smear, that wherever that ere water has been its left a dampness ahind it; the moistur consekent upon such a dampness must be evaporated by ever-so-many applications of the warming- pan. The steam which a rises from this hoperation, combined with the extra hart required to hide them two black spots in the middle, will make the job come to one-pund-one, independently of the chalk.

Agamemnon had nothing left but compliance with Mr. Smears demand; and one warming and three stew-pans, filled with live coals, were soon engaged in what Mr. Smear called the ewaporating department. As soon as the boards were sufficiently dry, Mr. Smear commenced operations. In each of the four corners of the room he described the diagram of a coral and bells, connecting them with each other by graceful festoons of blue- chalk ribbon tied in large true-lovers knots in the centre. Having thus completed a frame, he proceeded, after sundry contortions of the facial muscles, to the execution of the great design. Having described an ellipse of red chalk, he tastefully inserted within it a perfect representation of the interior of an infants mouth in an early stage of dentition, whilst a graceful letter A seemed to keep the gums apart to allow of this artistical exhibition. Proudly did Mr. Smear cast his small grey eyes on Agamemnon, and challenge him, as it were, to a laudatory acknowledgment of his genius; but as his patron remained silent, Mr. Smear determined to speak out.

Hart has done her bestlanguage must do the rest. I am now only awaiting for the motter. What shall I say, sir?

Welcome is as good as anything, in my opinion, replied Collumpsion.

Welcome! ejaculated Smear: a servile himitation of a general lumination idea, sir. We must be original. Will you leave it to me?

Willingly, said Agamemnon. And with many inward protestations against parties in general and his own in particular, he left Mr. Smear and his imagination together.

The great artist in chalk paced the room for some minutes, and then slapped his left thigh, in confirmation of the existence of some brilliant idea. The result was soon made apparent on the boards of the drawing-room, where the following inscription attested the immensity of Smears genius

"PARTAKE OF OUR DENTAL DELIGHT."

The guinea was instantly paid; but Collumpsion was for a length of time in a state of uncertainty as to whether Mr. Smears talents were ornamental or disfigurative. Nine oclock arrived, and with it a rumble of vehicles, and an agitation of knocker, that were extremely exhilarating to the heretofore exhausted and distressed family at 24.

We shall not attempt to particularise the arrivals, as they were precisely the same set as our readers have invariably met at routs of the second class for these last five years. There was the young gentleman in an orange waistcoat, bilious complexion, and hair à la Petrarch, only gingered; and so also were the two Misses , in blue gauze, looped up with coral,and that fair-haired girl who detethted therry, and those black eyes, whose lustrous beauty made such havoc among the untenanted hearts of the youthful beaux;but, reader, you must know the set that must have visited the Applebites.

All went merry as a marriage bell, and we feel that we cannot do better than assist future commentators by giving a minute analysis of a word which so frequently occurs in the fashionable literature of the present day that doubtlessly in after time many anxious inquiries and curious conjectures would be occasioned, but for the service we are about to confer on posterity (for the pages of PUNCH are immortal) by a description of

A QUADRILLE: which is a dance particularly fashionable in the nineteenth century. In order to render our details perspicuous and lucid, we will suppose

A gentleman in tight pantaloons and a tip. Ditto in loose ditto, and a camellia japonica in the button-hole of his coat. Ditto in a crimson waistcoat, and a pendulating eye-glass. Ditto in violent wristbands, and an alarming eruption of buttons. ALSO, A young lady in pink-gauze and freckles. Ditto in book-muslin and marabouts. Ditto with blonde and a slight cast. Ditto in her 24th year, and black satin. The four gentlemen present themselves to the four ladies, and having smirked and begged the honour, the four pairs take their station in the room in the following order:

The tip and the freckles. The camelia japonica, and the marabouts. The crimson waistcoat, and the slight cast. The violent wristbands and the black satin. During eight bars of music, tip, crimson, camellia, and wristbands, bow to freckles, slight cast, marabouts, and black satin, who curtsey in return, and then commence

LA PANTALON, by performing an intersecting figure that brings all parties exactly where they were; which joyous circumstance is celebrated by bobbing for four bars opposite to each other, and then indulging in a universal twirl which apparently offends the ladies, who seize hold of each others hands only to leave go again, and be twirled round by the opposite gentleman, who, having secured his partner, promenades her half round to celebrate his victory, and then returns to his place with his partner, performing a similar in-and-out movement as that which commenced la Pantalon.

LETE is a much more respectful operation. Referring to our previous arrangement, wristbands and freckles would advance and retirethen they would take two hops and a jump to the right, then two hops and a jump to the leftthen cross over, and there hop and jump the same number of times and come back again, and having celebrated their return by bobbing for four bars, they twirl their partners again, and commence

LA POULE. The crimson waistcoat and marabouts would shake hands with their right, and then cross over, and having shaken hands again with the left, come back again. They then would invite the camellia and the slight cast to join them, and perform a kind of wild Indian dance all of a row. After which they all walk to the sides they have no business upon, and then crimson runs round marabout, and taking his partners hand, i.e., the slight cast, introduces her to camellia and marabout, as though they had never met before. This introduction is evidently disagreeable, for they instantly retire, and then rush past each other, as furiously as they can, to their respective places.

LA TRENISE is evidently intended to trot out the dancers. Freckles and black satin shake hands as they did in la Pantalon, and then freckles trots tip out [pg 147]twice, and crosses over to the opposite side to have a good look at him; having satisfied her curiosity, she then, in company with black satin, crosses over to have a stare at the violent wristbands, in contrast with tip who wriggles over, and join him, and then, without saying a word to each other, bob, and are twirled as in lEté.

LA PASTORALE seems to be an inversion of la Trenise, except that in nineteen cases out of twenty, the waistcoat, tip, camellia and wristbands, seem to undergo intense mental torture; for if there be such a thing as poetry of motion, pastorale must be the Inferno of Dancing.

LA FINALE commences with a circular riot, which leads to lEté. The ladies then join hands, and endeavour to imitate the graceful evolutions of a windmill, occasionally grinding the corns of their partners, who frantically rush in with the quixotic intention of stopping them. A general shuffling about then takes place, which terminates in a bow, a bob, and allow me to offer you some refreshment.

Malheureux! we have devoted so much space to the quadrille, that we have left none for the supper, which being a cold one, will keep till next week.

THE GENTLEMANS OWN BOOK. We are ashamed to ask our readers to refer to our last article under the title of the Gentlemans Own Book, for the length of time which has elapsed almost accuses us of disinclination for our task, or weariness in catering for the amusement of our subscribers. But SeptemberSeptember, with all its allurements of flood and fieldits gathering of honest old friendsits tales of by-gone seasons, and its glorious promises of the presentmust plead our apology for abandoning our pen and rushing back to old associations, which haunt us like

A woman with a bundle of sticks and two contrite-looking children. THE SPELLS OF CHILDHOOD.

We know that we are forgiven, so shall proceed at once to the consideration of the ornaments and pathology of coats.

THE ORNAMENTS are those parts of the external decorations which are intended either to embellish the person or garment, or to notify the pecuniary superiority of the wearer. Amongst the former are to be included buttons, braids, and mustachios; amongst the latter, chains, rings, studs, canes, watches, and above all, those pocket talismans, purses. There are also riding-whips and spurs, which may be considered as implying the possession of quadrupedal property.

Of Buttons.In these days of innovationwhen Brummagem button-makers affect a taste and elaboration of designa true gentleman should be most careful in the selection of this dulce et utile contrivance. Buttons which resemble gilt acidulated drops, or ratafia cakes, or those which are illustrative of the national emblemsthe rose, shamrock, and thistle tied together like a bunch of faded watercresses, or those which are commemorative of coronations, royal marriages, births, and christenings, chartist liberations, the success of liberal measures, and such like occasions, or those which would serve for vignettes for the Sporting Magazine, or those which at a distance bear some resemblance to the royal arms, but which, upon closer inspection, prove to be bunches of endive, surmounted by a crown which the Heralds College does not recognise, or those which have certain letters upon them, as the initials of clubs which are never heard of in St. Jamess, as the U.S.C.the Universal Shopmens Club; T.Y.C.the Young Tailors Club; L.S.D.the Linen Drapers Societyand the like. All these are to be fashionably eschewed. The regimental, the various hunts, the yacht clubs, and the basket pattern, are the only buttons of Birmingham birth which can be allowed to associate with the button-holes of a gentleman.

The restrictions on silk buttons are confined chiefly to magnitude. They must not be so large as an opera ticket, nor so small as a silver penny.

Of Braids.This ornament, when worn in the street, is patronised exclusively by Polish refugees, theatrical Jews, opera-dancers, and boarding-house fortune-hunters.

Of Mustachios.The mustachio depends for its effect entirely upon its adaptation to the expression of the features of the wearer. The small, or moustache à la chinoise, should only appear in conjunction with Tussaud, or waxwork complexions, and then only provided the teeth are excellent; for should the dental conformation be of the same tint, the mustachios would only provoke observation. The German, or full hearth- brush, should be associated with what Mr. Ducrow would designate a cream, and everybody else a drab countenance, and should never be resorted to, except in conformity with regimental requisitions, or for the capture of an Irish widow, as they are generally indigenous to Boulogne and the Bench, and are known amongst tailors and that class of clothier victims as bad debts, or the insolvency regulation, and operate with them as an insuperable bar to

A heron catches a frog. PASSING A BILL.

The perfect, or heart-meshes, are those in which each particular hair has its particular place, and must be of a silky texture, and not of a bristly consistency, like a worn-out tooth-brush. Neither must they be of a bright red, bearing a striking resemblance to two young spring radishes.

The barbe au bonc, or Muntzian fringe, should only be worn when a gentleman is desirous of obtaining notoriety, and prefers trusting to his external embellishments in preference to his intellectual acquirements.

On Tips.Tips are an abomination to which no gentleman can lend his countenance. They are a shabby and mangy compromise for mustachios, and are principally sported by the genus of clerks, who, having strong hirsute predilections, small salaries, and sober-minded masters, hang a tassel on the chin instead of a vallance on the upper lip.

Our space warns us to conclude, and, as a fortnights indolence is not the strongest stimulant to exertion, we willingly drop our pen, and taking the hint and a cigar, indulge in a voluminous cloud, and a lusty

A horse pulls a carriage with a musical band in it. CARMEN TRIUMPHALE.

HABIT IS SECOND NATURE. FEARGUS OCONNOR always attends public meetings, dressed in a complete suit of fustian. He could not select a better emblem of his writings in the Northern Star, than the material he has chosen for his habiliments.

THE SUBSTANCE AND THE SHADOW. We understand that Sir Robert Peel has sent for the fasting man, with the intention of seeing how far his system may be acted upon for the relief of the community.

[pg 148] SAY IT WAS ME. Jem! you rascal, get up! get up, and be hanged to you, sir; dont you hear somebody hammering and pelting away at the street-door knocker, like the ghost of a dead postman with a tertian ague! Open it! see whats the matter, will you?

Yes, sir! responded the tame tiger of the excited and highly respectable Adolphus Casay, shiveringly emerging from beneath the bed- clothes he had diligently wrapped round his aching head, to deaden the incessant clamour of the iron which was entering into the soul of his sleep. A hastily-performed toilet, in which the more established method of encasing the lower man with the front of the garment to the front of the wearer, was curiously reversed, and the capture of the left slipper, which, as the weakest goes to the wall, the right foot had thrust itself into, was scarcely effected, ere another series of knocks at the door, and batch of invectives from Mr. Adolphus Casay, hurried the partial sacrificer to the Graces, at a Derby pace, over the cold stone staircase, to discover the cause of the confounded uproar. The door was openeda confused jumble of unintelligible mutterings aggravated the eager ears of the shivering Adolphus. Losing all patience, he exclaimed, in a tone of thunder

What is it, you villain? Cant you speak?

Yes, sir, in course I can.

Then why dont you, you imp of mischief?

Im a-going to.

Do it at oncelet me know the worst. Is it fire, murder, or thieves?

Neither, sir; its A1, with a dark lantern.

What, in the name of persecution and the new police, does A1, with a dark lantern, want with me?

Please, sir, Mr. Brown Bunkem has give him half-a-crown.

Well, you little ruffian, whats that to me?

Why, sir, he guv it him to come here, and ask you

Here policeman A1, with the dark lantern, took up the conversation.

Jist to step down to the station-us, and bail him therefrom

For what!

Being werry drunkuncommon overcome, surelyand oudacious obstropelous. continued the alphabetically and numerically- distinguished conservator of the public peace.

How did he get there?

On a werry heavily-laden stretcher.

The deuce take the mad fool, muttered the disturbed housekeeper; then added, in a louder tone, Ask the policeman in, and request him to take

Anything you please, sir; it is rather a cold night, but as were all in a hurry, suppose its something short, sir.

Now the original proposition, commencing with the word take, was meant by its propounder to achieve its climax in a seat on one of the hall chairs; but the liquid inferences of A1, with a dark lantern, had the desired effect, and induced a command from Mr. Adolphus Casay to the small essential essence of condensed valetanism in the person of Jim Pipkin, to produce the case-bottles for the discussion of the said A1, with the dark lantern, who gained considerably in the good opinion of Mr. James Pipkin, by requesting the favour of his company in the bibacious avocation he so much delighted in.

A1 having expressed a decided conviction that, anywhere but on the collar of his coat, or the date of monthly imprisonments, his distinguishing number was the most unpleasant and unsocial of the whole multiplication table, further proceeded to illustrate his remarks by proposing glasses two and three, to the great delight and inebriation of the small James Pipkin, who was suddenly aroused from a dreamy contemplation of two policemen, and increased service of case-bottles and liquor-glasses, by a sound box on the ear, and a stern command to retire to his own proper dormitorythe one coming from the hand, the other from the lips, of his annoyed master, who then and there departed, under the guidance of A1, with the dark lantern. After passing various lanes and weary ways, the station was reached, and there, in the full plenitude of glorious drunkenness, lay his friend, the identical Mr. Brown Bunkem, who, in the emphatic words of the inspector, was declared to be just about as far gone as any gentlemans son need wish to be.

Whats the charge? commenced Mr. Adolphus Casay.

Eleven shillings a bottle.Take it out othat, and dn the expense, interposed and hiccoughed the overtaken Brown Bunkem.

Drunk, disorderly, and very abusive, read the inspector.

Go to blazes! shouted Bunkem, and then commenced a very vague edition of God save the Queen, which, by some extraordinary sliding scale, finally developed the last verse of Nix my Dolly, which again, at the mention of the stone jug, flew off into a very apocryphal version of the Bumper of Burgundy; the lines upstanding, uncovered, appeared at once to superinduce the opinion that greater effect would be given to his performance by complying with both propositions. In attempting to assume the perpendicular, Mr. Brown Bunkem was signally frustrated, as the result was a more perfect development of his original horizontal recumbency, assumed at the conclusion of a very vigorous fall. To make up for this deficiency, the suggestion as to the singer appearing uncovered, was achieved with more force than propriety, by Mr. Brown Bunkems nearly displacing several of the inspectors front teeth, by a blow from his violently-hurled hat at the head of that respectable functionary.

What would have followed, it is impossible to say; but at this moment Mr. Adolphus Casays bail was accepted, he being duly bound down, in the sum of twenty pounds, to produce Mr. Brown Bunkem at the magistrates office by eleven oclock of the following forenoon. This being settled, in spite of a vigorous opposition, with the assistance of five half- crowns, four policemen, the driver of, and hackney-coach No. 3141, Mr. Brown Bunkem was conveyed to his own proper lodgings, and there left, with one boot and a splitting headache, to do duty for a counterpane, he vehemently opposing every attempt to make him a deposit between the sheets.Seven oclock on the following morning found Mr. Adolphus Casay at the bedside of the violently-snoring and stupidly obfuscated Brown Bunkem. In vain he pinched, shook, shouted, and swore; inarticulate grunts and apoplectic denunciations against the disturber of his rest were the only answers to his urgent appeals as to the necessity of Mr. Brown Bunkems getting ready to appear before the magistrate. Visions of contempt of court, forfeited bail, and consequent disbursements, flitted before the mind of the agitated Mr. Adolphus Casay. Ten oclock came; Bunken seemed to snore the louder and sleep the sounder. What was to be done? why, nothing but to get up an impromptu influenza, and try his rhetoric on the presiding magistrates of the bench.

Influenced by this determination, Mr. Adolphus Casay started for that den of thieves and magistrates in the neighbourhood of Bow-street; but Mr. Adolphus Casays feelings were anything but enviable; though by no means a straitlaced man, he had an instinctive abhorrence of anything that appeared a blackguard transaction. Nothing but a kind wish to serve a friend would have induced him to appear within a mile of such a wretched place; but the thing was now unavoidable, so he put the best face he could on the matter, made his way to the clerk of the Court, and there, in a low whisper, began his explanation, that being how Mr. Brown Bunkemat this moment the crier shouted

Bunkem! Wheres Bunkem?

I am here! said Mr. Adolphus Casay; here to

Step inside, Bunkem, shouted a sturdy auxiliary; and with considerable manual exertion and remarkable agility, he gave the unfortunate Adolphus a peculiar twist that at once deposited him behind the bar and before the bench.

I beg to state, commenced the agitated and innocent Adolphus.

Silence, prisoner! roared the crier.

Will you allow me to say,again commenced Adolphus

Hold your tongue! vociferated P74.

I must and will be heard.

Young man, said the magistrate, laying down the paper, you are doing yourself no good; be quiet. Clerk, read the charge.

After some piano mumbling, the words drunkabusivedisorderlyincapabletaking care of selfstretcherstation-housebail, were shouted out in the most fortissimo manner.

At the end of the reading, all eyes were directed to the well-dressed and gentlemanly-looking Adolphus. He appeared to excite universal sympathy.

What have you to say, young man?

Why, your worship, the charge is true; but

Oh! never mind your buts. Will you ever appear in the same situation again?

Upon my soul I wont; but

There, then, that will do; I like your sincerity, but dont swear. Pay one shilling, and you are discharged.

Will your worship allow me

I have no time, sir. Next case.

But I must explain.

Next case. Hold your jaw!this way!and the same individual who had jerked Mr. Adolphus Casay into the dock, rejerked him into the middle of the court. The shilling was paid, and, amid the laughter of the idlers at his anti-teetotal habits, he made the best of his way from the scene of his humiliation. As he rushed round the corner of the street, a peal of laughter struck upon his ears, and there, in full feather, as sober as ever, stood Mr. Brown Bunkem, enjoying the joke beyond all measure. Indignation took possession of Mr. Adolphus Casays bosom; he demanded to know the cause of this strange conduct, stating that his character was for ever compromised.

Not at all, coolly rejoined the unmoved Bunkem; we are all subject to accidents. You certainly were in a scrape, but I think none the worse of you; and, if its any satisfaction, you may say it was me.

Say it was you! Why it was.

Capital, upon my life! do you hear him, Smith, how well he takes a cue? but stick to it, old fellow, I dont think youll be believed; butsay it was me.

Mr. Brown Bunkem was perfectly right. Mr. Adolphus Casay was not believed; for some time he told the story as it really was, but to no purpose. The indefatigable Brown was always appealed to by mutual friends, his answer invariably was

Why, Casays a steady fellow, I am not; it might injure him. I defy report; therefore I gave him leave tosay it was me!

And that was all the thanks Mr. Adolphus Casay ever got for bailing friend.

FUSBOS

[pg 149] THE POLITICAL EUCLID. WHEREIN ARE CONSIDERED THE RELATIONS OF PLACE; OR

THE BEST MODE OF GETTING A PLACE FOR YOUR RELATIONS: Being a complete Guide to the Art of LEGISLATIVE MENSURATION, OR,

How to estimate the value of a Vote upon WHIG AND TORY MEASURES. THE WHOLE ADAPTED TO THE USE OF HONOURABLE MEMBERS. BY

LORD PALMERSTON, Late Professor of Toryism, but now Lecturer on Whiggery to the College of St. Stephens.