Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (7)

If a renegade, like Sir Francis Burdett, is desirous of making his apostacy the theme of general remarkof surprising the world with an exhibition of prostrated worthlet him not seek the market-cross to publish his dishonour, whilst there remains the elevated chair at a dinner-table. Let him prove himself entitled to be ranked as a man, by the elaborate manner in which he seasons his soup or anatomises a joint. Let him have the glass and the towelthe one to cool the tongue, which must burn with the fulsome praises of those whom he has hitherto decried, and the other as a ready appliance to conceal the blush which must rush to the cheek from the consciousness of the thousand recollections of former professions awakened in the minds of every applauder of his apostacy. Let him have a Toole to give bold utterance to the toasts which, in former years, would have called forth his contumely and indignation, and which, even now, he dare only whisper, lest the echo of his own voice should be changed into a curse. Let him have wine, that his blood may riot through his veins and drive memory onward. Let him have wine, that when the hollow cheers of his new allies ring in his ears he may be incapable of understanding their real meaning; or, when he rises to respond to the lip-service of his fellow bacchanals, the fumes may supply the place of mercy, and save him from the abjectness of self-degradation. Burdett! the 20th of August will never be forgotten! You have earned an epitaph that will scorch mens eyes

To the last a renegade.22. Siege of Corinth.

Who that possesses the least reflection ever visited a police-office without feeling how intimately it was connected with the cook-shop! The victims to the intoxicating qualities of pickled salmon, oyster-sauce, and lobster salad, are innumerable; for where one gentleman or lady pleads guilty to too much wine, a thousand extenuate on the score of indigestion. We are aware that the disorganisation of the digestive powers is very prevalentabout one or two in the morningand we have no doubt the Conservative friends of Captain Rous, who patriotically contributed five shillings each to the Queen, and one gentleman (a chum of our own at Cheam, if we mistake not) a sovereign to the poor-box, were all doubtlessly suffering from this cause, combined with their enthusiasm for the gallant Rous, andproh pudor!Burdett.

How much, then, are we indebted to our cooks! those perspiring professors of gastronomy and their valuable assistantsthe industrious scullery-maids. Let not the Melbourne opposition to this meritorious class, be supported by the nation at large; for England would soon cease to occupy her present proud pre-eminence, did her rulers, her patriots, and her heroes, sit down to cold mutton, or the villanously dressed joints ready from 12 to 5. Justice is said to be the foundation of all national prosperitywe contend that it is repletionthat Mr. Toole, the toast-master, is the only embodiment of fame, and that true glory consists of a gratuitous participation in Three courses and a dessert!

INQUESTNOT EXTRAORDINARY. Great Bulwers works fell on Miss Basbleus head.

And, in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!

A jury sat, and found the verdict plain

She died of milk and water on the brain.

[pg 79] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.NO. VII. A man gives a smaller man a haircut. TRIMMING A W(H)IG.

[pg 81] NAPOLEONS STATUE AT BOULOGNE. [The bronze statue of Napoleon which was last placed on the summit of the grand column at Boulogne with extraordinary ceremony, has been turned, by design or accident, with its back to England.]

Upon its lofty columns stand,

Napoleon takes his place;

His back still turned upon that land

That never saw his face.

THE HIEROGLYPHIC DECIPHERED. The letters V.P.W. scratched by some person on the brow of the statue of Napoleon while it lay on the ground beside the column, which were supposed to stand for the insulting words Vaincu par Wellington, have given great offence to the French. We have authority for contradicting this unjust explanation. The letters are the work of an ambitious Common Councilman of Portsoken Ward, who, wishing to associate himself with the great Napoleon, scratched on the bronze the initials of his nameV.P.W.VILLIAM PAUL WENABLES.

SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.NO. 5. O fly with me, lady, my gallant destrere

Is as true as the brand by my side;

Through flood and oer moorland his master hell bear,

With the maiden he seeks for a bride.

This, this was the theme of the troubadours lay,

And thus did the lady reply:

Sir knight, ere I trust thee, look hither and say,

Do you see any green in my eye?

O, doubt me not, lady, my lance shall maintain

That thourt peerless in beauty and fame;

And the bravest should eat of the dust of the plain,

Who would quaff not a cup to thy name.

I doubt not thy prowess in list or in fray,

For none dare thy courage belie;

And Ill trust thee, though kindred and priest say me nay

When you see any green in my eye!

TO POLITICAL WRITERS, AND TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMES IN PARTICULAR. Mr. Solomons begs to announce to reporters of newspapers, that he has constructed, at a very great expense, several sets of new glasses, which will enable the wearer to see as small or as great a number of auditors, at public conferences and political meetings, as may suit his purpose. Mr. Solomons has also invented a new kind of ear-trumpet, which will enable a reporter to hear only such portions of an harangue as may be in accordance with his political bias; or should there be nothing uttered by any speaker that may suit his purpose, these ear-trumpets will change the sounds of words and the construction of sentences in such a way as to be incontrovertible, although every syllable should be diverted from its original meaning and intention. They have also the power of larding a speech with loud cheers, or strong disapprobation.

These valuable inventions have been in use for some years by Mr. Solomons respected friend, the editor of the Times; but no publicity has been given to them, until Mr. S. had completely tested their efficacy. He has now much pleasure in subjoining, for the information of the public, the following letter, of the authenticity of which Mr. S. presumes no one can entertain a doubt.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR OF THE TIMES. It is with much pleasure that I am enabled, my dear Solomons, to give my humble testimony in favour of your new political glasses and ear-trumpet. By their invaluable aid I have been enabled, for some years, to see and hear just what suited my purpose. I have recommended them to my protégé, Sir Robert Peel, who has already tried the glasses, and, I am happy to state, does not see quite so many objections to a fixed duty as he did before using these wonderful illuminators. The gallant Sibthorp (at my recommendation) carried one of your ear-trumpets to the House on Friday last, and states that he heard his honoured leader declare, that the Colonel was the only man who ought to be Premierafter himself.

If these testimonies are of any value to you, publish them by all means, and believe me.

Yours faithfully, JOHN WALTER. Printing House Square.

Mr. S. begs to state, that though magnifying and diminishing glasses are no novelty, yet his invention is the only one to suit the interest of parties without principle.

CON. BY THEODORE HOOK. What sentimental character does the re-elected Speaker remind you of?Ans. by Croker: P(shaw!) Lefevre, to be sure.

A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT. We regret to state that the second ball at the Boulogne fête was simply remarkable from its having gone off without any disturbance. Where were the national guards?

UNSATISFACTORY CONDITION OF FOREIGN BEEF(CAUTION TO GOURMANDS). A corresponedent of the Times forwards the alarming intelligence that at the Boulogne Races the stakes never fill! Sibthorp, the gifted Sib, ever happy at expedients, ingeniously recommends a trial of the chops.

A TRIFLE FROM LITTLE TOMMY. TO AN ELDERLY BEAUTY. Ah! Julia, time all tilings destroys,

The heart, the blood, the pen;

But come, Ill re-enact young joy

And be myself again.

Yet stay, sweet Julia, how is this

Thine are not lips at all;

Your face is plastered, and you kiss,

Like Thisbethrough a wall.

PROSPECTUS FOR A PROVIDENT ANNUITY COMPANY. The capital of this Company is to consist of £0,000,001; one-half of it to be vested in Aldgate Pump, and the other moiety in the Dogger Bank.

Shares, at £50 each, will be issued to any amount; and interest paid thereon when convenient.

A board, consisting of twelve directors, will be formed; but, to save trouble, the management of the Companys affairs will be placed in the hands of the secretary.

The duties of trustees, auditor, and treasurer, will also be discharged by the secretary.

Each shareholder will he presented with a gratuitous copy of the Companys regulations, printed on fine foolscap.

Individuals purchasing annuities of this company, will be allowed a large-rate of interest on paper for their money, calculated on an entirely novel sliding-scale. Annuitants will be entitled to receive their annuities whenever they can get them.

The Companys office will be open at all hours for the receipt of money; but it is not yet determined at what time the paying branch of the department will come into operation.

The secretary will be allowed the small salary of £10,000 a-year.

In order to simplify the accounts, there will be no books kept. By this arrangement, a large saving will be effected in the article of clerks, &c.

The annual profits of the company will be fixed at 20 per cent., but it is expected that there will be no inquiry made after dividends.

All monies received for and by the company, to be deposited in the breeches-pocket of the secretary, and not to be withdrawn from thence without his special sanction.

The establishment to consist of a secretary and porter.

The porter is empowered to act as secretary in the absence of that officer; and the secretary is permitted to assist the porter in the arduous duties of his situation.

*** Applications for shares or annuities to be made to the secretary of the Provident Annuity Company, No. 1, Thieves Inn.

AWFUL ACCIDENT. Our reporter has just forwarded an authentic statement, in which he vouches, with every appearance of truth, that Lord Melbourne dined at home on Wednesday last. The neighbourhood is in an agonising state of excitement.

FURTHER PARTICULARS. (Particularly exclusive.) Our readers will be horrified to learn the above is not the whole extent of this alarming event. From a private source of the highest possible credit, we are informed that his Lordship also took tea.

FURTHEST PARTICULARS. Great Heavens! when will our painful duties end? We tremble as we write,may we be deceived!but we are compelled to announce the agonising facthe also supped!

BY EXPRESS. (From our own reporter on the spot!) DEAR SIR,The dinner is fatally true! but, I am happy to state, there are doubts about the tea, and you may almost wholly contradict the supper.

SECOND EXPRESS. I have only time to say, things are not so bad! The tea is disproved, and the supper was a gross exaggeration.

N.B. My horse is dead!

THIRD EXPRESS. Hurrah! Glorious news! There is no truth in the above fearful rumour; it is false from beginning to end, and, doubtless, had its vile origin from some of the adverse faction, as it is clearly of such a nature as to convulse the country. To what meanness will not these Tories stoop, for the furtherance of their barefaced schemes of oppression and pillage! The facts they have so grossly distorted with their tortuous ingenuity and demoniac intentions, are simply these:A saveloy was ordered by one of the upper servants (who is on board wages, and finds his own kitchen fire), the boy entrusted with its delivery mistook the footman for his lordship. This is very unlikely, as the man is willing to make an affidavit he had just cleaned himself, and therefore, it is clear the boy must have been a paid emissary. But the public will be delighted to learn, to prevent the possibility of future mistakesJohn has been denuded of his whiskersthe only features which, on a careful examination, presented the slightest resemblance to his noble master. In fact, otherwise the fellow is remarkably good- looking.

[pg 82] HINTS TO NEW MEMBERS. BY AN OLD TRIMMER. It being now an established axiom that every member goes into Parliament for the sole purpose of advancing his own private interest, and not, as has been ignorantly believed, for the benefit of his country or the constituency he represents, it becomes a matter of vast importance to those individuals who have not had the advantage of long experience in the house, to be informed of the mode usually adopted by honourable members in the discharge of their legislative duties. With this view the writer, who has, for the last thirty years, done business on both sides of the house, and always with the strictest regard to the main chance, has collected a number of hints for the guidance of juvenile members, of which the following are offered as a sample:

HINT 1.It is a vulgar error to imagine that a man, to be a member of Parliament, requires either education, talents, or honesty: all that it is necessary for him to possess isimpudence and humbug!

HINT 2.When a candidate addresses a constituency, he should promise everything. Some men will only pledge themselves to what their conscience considers right. Fools of this sort can never hope to be

A man gets kicked out of a door by many feet. RETURNED BY A LARGE MAJORITY.

HINT 3.Oratory is a showy, but by no means necessary, accomplishment in the house. If a member knows when to say Ay or No, it is quite sufficient for all useful purposes.

HINT 4.If, however, a young member should be seized with, the desire of speaking in Parliament, he may do so without the slighest regard to sense, as the reporters in the gallery are paid for the purpose of making speeches for honourable members; and on the following morning he may calculate on seeing, in the columns of the daily papers, a full report of his splendid

A young woman tells her swain 'I'll ask my Ma!' MAIDEN SPEECH.

HINT 5.A knowledge of the exact time to cry Hear, hear! is absolutely necessary. A severe cough, when a member of the opposite side of the house is speaking, is greatly to be commended; cock-crowing is also a desirable qualification for a young legislator, and, if judiciously practised, cannot fail to bring the possessor into the notice of his party.

HINT 6.The back seats in the gallery are considered, by several members, as the most comfortable for taking a nap on.

HINT 7.If one honourable member wishes to tell another honourable member that he is anything but a gentleman, he should be particular to do so within the walls of the houseas, in that case, the Speaker will put him under arrest, to prevent any unpleasant consequences arising from his hasty expressions.

HINT 8.If a member promise to give his vote to the minister, he must in honour do sounless he happen to fall asleep in the smoking-room, and so gets shut out from the division of the house.

HINT 9.No independent member need trouble himself to understand the merits of any question before the house. He may, therefore, amuse himself at Bellamys until five minutes before the Speakers bell rings for a division.

RATHER SUICIDAL. The health of the Earl of Winchilsea and the Conservative members of the House of Peers, was followed, amid intense cheering, with the glee of

Swearing death to traitor slaves!Times.

NOVEL EXPERIMENT.GREAT SCREW. Several scientific engineers have formed themselves into a company, and are about applying for an Act of Parliament to enable them to take a lease of Joe Hume, for the purpose of opposing the Archimedean Screw. Public feeling is already in favour of the Humedean, and the Joe shares are rising rapidly.

PUNCHS INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE.NO. 3. One of the expedients adopted by the cheap-knowledge-mongers to convey so-called information to the vulgar, has been, we flatter ourselves, successfully imitated in our articles on the Stars and the Thermometer. They are by writers engaged expressly for the respective subjects, because they will work cheaply and know but little of what they are writing about, and therefore make themselves the better understood by the equally ignorant. We do hope that they have not proved themselves behindhand in popular humbug and positive error, and that the blunders in the Thermometer33. One of these blunders the author must not be commended for; it is attributable to a facetious mistake of the printer. In giving the etymology of the Thermometer, it should have been measure of heat, and not measure of feet. We scorn to deprive our devil of a joke so worthy of him. are equally as amusing as those of the then big-wig who wrote the treatise on Animal Mechanics, published by our rival Society for Diffusing Useful Knowledge.

Another of their methods for obtaining cheap knowledge it is now our intention to adopt. Having got the poorest and least learned authors we could find (of course for cheapness) for our former pieces of information, we have this time engaged a gentleman to mystify a few common-place subjects, in the style of certain articles in the Penny Cyclopædia. As his erudition is too profound for ordinary comprehensionsas he scorns gainas the books he has hitherto published (no, privated) have been printed at his own expense, for the greater convenience of reading them himself, for nobody else does soas, in short, he is in reality a cheap-knowledge man, seeing that he scorns pay, and we scorn to pay himwe have concluded an engagement with him for fourteen years.

The subject on which we have directed him to employ his vast scientific acquirements, is one which must come home to the firesides of the married and the bosoms of the single, namely, the art of raising a flame; in humble imitation of some of Youngs Knights Thoughts, which are directed to the object of lightening the darkness of servants, labourers, artisans, and chimney-sweeps, and in providing guides to the trades or services of which they are already masters or mistresses. We beg to present our readers with

PUNCHS GUIDE TO SERVICE; OR, A maid kisses a man through a fence. THE HOUSEMAIDS BEST FRIEND. CHAPTER 1. ON THE PROCESS AND RATIONALE OF LIGHTING FIRES. Take a small cylindrical aggregation of parallelopedal sections of the ligneous fibre (vulgarly denominated a bundle of fire- wood), and arrange a fractional part of the integral quantity rectilineally along the interior of the igneous receptacle known as a grate, so as to form an acute angle (of, say 25°) with its base; and one (of, say 65°) with the posterior plane that is perpendicular to it; taking care at the same time to leave between each parallelopedal section an insterstice isometrical with the smaller sides of any one of their six quadrilateral superficies, so as to admit of the free circulation of the atmospheric fluid. Superimposed upon this, arrange several moderate-sized concretions of the hydro-carburetted substance (vulgo coal), approximating in figure as nearly as possible to the rhombic dodecahedron, so that the solid angles of each concretion may constitute the different points of contact with those immediately adjacent. Insert into the cavity formed by the imposition of the ligneous fibre upon the inferior transverse ferruginous bar, a sheet of laminated lignin, or paper, compressed by the action of the digits into an irregular spheroid.

These preliminary operations having been skilfully performed, the process of combustion may be commenced. For this purpose, a smaller woody parallelopedthe extremities of which have been previously dipped in sulphur in a state of liquefactionmust be ignited and applied to the laminated lignin, or waste paper, and so elevate its temperature to a degree required for its combustion, which will be communicated to the ligneous superstructure; this again raises the temperature of the hydro- carburet concretion, and liberates its carburetted hydrogen in the form of gas; which gas, combining with the oxygen of the atmosphere, enters into combustion, and a general ignition ensues. This, in point of fact, constitutes what is popularly termedlighting a fire.

AN IMMINENT BREACH. In an action lately tried at the Cork Assizes, a lady obtained fifteen hundred pounds damages, for a breach of promise of marriage, against a faithless lover. Lady Morgan sends us the following trifle on the subject:

What! fifteen hundred!tis a sum severe;

The fine by far the injury oerreaches.

For one poor breach of promise tis too dear

Twould be sufficient for a pair of breaches!

[pg 83] SCHOOL OF DESIGN. Several designing individuals, whose talents for drawing on paper are much greater than those of Charles Kean for drawing upon the stage, met together at Somerset House, on Monday last, to distribute prizes among their scholars. Prince Albert presided, gave away the prizes with great suavity, and made a speech which occupied exactly two seconds and a-half.

The first prize was awarded to Master Palmerston, for a successful design for completely frustrating certain commercial views upon China, and for his new invention of auto-painting. Prize: an order upon Truefit for a new wig.

Master John Russell was next called up.This talented young gentleman had designed a gigantic penny loaf; which, although too immense for practical use, yet, his efforts having been exclusively directed to fanciful design, and not to practical possibility, was highly applauded. Master Russell also evinced a highly precocious talent for drawinghis salary. Prize: a splendidly-bound copy of the New Marriage Act.

The fortunate candidate next upon the list, was Master Normanby. This young gentleman brought forward a beautiful design for a new prison, so contrived for criminals to be excluded from light and society, in any degree proportionate with their crimes. This young gentleman was brought up in Ireland, but there evinced considerable talent in drawing prisoners out of durance vile. He was much complimented on the salutary effect upon his studies, which his pupilage at the school of design had wrought. Prize: an order from Colburn for a new novel.

Master Melbourne, who was next called up, seemed a remarkably fine boy of his age, though a little too old for his short jacket. He had signalised himself by an exceedingly elaborate design for the Treasury benches. This elicited the utmost applause; for, by this plan, the seats were so ingeniously contrived, that, once occupied, it would be a matter of extreme difficulty for the sitter to be absquatulated, even by main force. Prize: a free ticket to the licensed victuallers dinner.

The Prince then withdrew, amidst the acclamations of the assembled multitude.

A HINT TO THE NEW LORD CHAMBERLAIN. There is always much difference of opinion existing as to the number of theatres which ought to be licensed in the metropolis. Our friend Peter Borthwick, whose mathematical acquirements are only equalled by his heavy fathers, has suggested the following formula whereby to arrive at a just conclusion:Take the number of theatres, multiply by the public-houses, and divide by the dissenting chapels, and the quotient will be the answer. This is what Peter calls

A man stands at a crossroads marked 'Fixed Duty' and 'Sliding Scale' COMING TO A DIVISION.

VOCAL EVASION. LADY B (who, it is rumoured, has an eye to the bedchamber) was interrogating Sir Robert Peel a little closer than the wily minister in futuro approved of. After several very evasive answers, which had no effect on the ladys pertinacity, Sir Robert made her a graceful bow, and retired, humming the favourite air of

An artist is unhappy with a portrait. OH! I CANNOT GIVE EXPRESSION.

A PUN FROM THE ROW. It is asserted that a certain eminent medical man lately offered to a publisher in Paternoster-row a Treatise on the Hand, which the worthy bibliopole declined with a shake of the head, saying, My dear sir, we have got too many treatises on our hands already.

PLEASURES OF HOPE (RATHER EXPENSIVE). The Commerce states the cost of the mansion now building for Mr. Hope, in the Rue St. Dominique, including furniture and objects of art, is estimated at six hundred thousand pounds![If this is an attribute of Hope, what is reality?ED. PUNCH.]

FASHIONS FOR THE MONTH. We perceive that the severity of the summer has prevented the entire banishment of furs in the fashionable quartiers of the metropolis. We noticed three fur caps, on Sunday last, in Seven Dials. Beavers are, however, superseded by gossamers; the crowns of which are, among the élite of St. Giless, jauntily opened to admit of ventilation, in anticipation of the warm weather. Frieze coats are fast giving way to pea-jackets; waistcoats, it is anticipated, will soon be discarded, and brass buttons are completely out of vogue.

We have not noticed so many highlows as Bluchers upon the understandings of the promenaders of Broad-street. Ancle-jacks are, we perceive, universally adopted at the elegant soirées dansantes, nightly held at the Frog and Fiddle, in Pye-street, Westminster.

ARTISTIC EXECUTION. We understand that Sir M.A. Shee is engaged in painting the portraits of Sir Willoughhy Woolston Dixie and Mr. John Bell, the lately-elected member for Thirsk, which are intended for the exhibition at the Royal Academy. If Folliot Duffs account of their dastardly conduct in the Waldegrave affair be correct, we cannot imagine two gentlemen more worthy the labours of the

Three judges at the bench. HANGING COMMITTEE.

NEW PARLIAMENTARY RETURNS. We have been informed, on authority upon which we have reason to place much reliance, that several distinguished members of the upper and lower houses of Parliament intend moving for the following important returns early in the present session:

IN THE LORDS. Lord Palmerston will move for a return of all the papillote papers contained in the red box at the Foreign Office.

The Duke of Wellington will move for a return of the Tory taxes.

The Marquis of Downshire will move for a return of his political honesty.

Lord Melbourne will move for a return of place and power.

The Marquis of Westmeath will move for a return of the days when he was young.

The Marquis Wellesley will move for a return of the pap-spoons manufactured in England for the last three years.

IN THE COMMONS. Sir Francis Burdett will move for a return of his popularity in Westminster.

Lord John Russell will move that the return of the Tories to office is extremely inconvenient.

Captain Rous will move for a return of the number of high-spirited Tories who were conveyed on stretchers to the different station-houses, on the night of the ever-to-be-remembered Drury-lane dinner.

Sir E.L. Bulwer will move for a return of all the half-penny ballads published by Catnach and Co. during the last year.

Morgan OConnell will move for a return of all the brogues worn by the bare-footed peasantry of Ireland.

Colonel Sibthorp will move for a return of his wits.

Peter Borthwick will move for a return of all the kettles convicted of singing on the Sabbath-day.

Sir Robert Peel will move for a return of all the ladies of the palaceto the places from whence they came.

Ben DIsraeli will move for a return of all the hard words in Johnsons Dictionary.

RATHER OMINOUS! The Sunday Times states, that several of the heads of the Conservative party held a conference at Whitehall Gardens! Heads and conferences have been cut short enough at the same place ere now!

HEAVY LIGHTNESS. A joke Col. Sibthorp to the journal sent

Appropriate headingSerious Accident.

A MATTER OF COURSE. The match at cricket, between the Chelsea and Greenwich Pensioners, was decided in favour of the latter. Captain Rous says, no great wonder, considering the winners bad the majority of legs on their side. The Hyllus affair has made him an authority.

[pg 84] THE DRAMA. THE ITALIAN OPERA. RETIREMENT OF RUBINI. (Exclusive.) N.B.PUNCH is delighted to perceive, from the style of this critique, that, though anonymously sent, it is manifestly from the pen of the elegant critic of the Morning Post.

A couple at the opera, in an O-shaped frame. n a review of the events of the past season, the souvenirs it presents are not calculated to elevate the character of the arts di poeta and di musica, of which the Italian Opera is composed. The only decided nouveautés which made their appearance, were Fausta, and Roberto Devereux, both of them jejune as far as regards their libretto and the composita musicale. The latter opera, however, serving as it did to introduce a pleasing rifacciamento of the lamented Malibran, in her talented sister Pauline (Madame Viardot), may, on that account, be remembered as a pleasing reminiscence of the past season.

The evening of Saturday, Aug. 21st, will long be remembered by the habitués of the Opera. From exclusive sources (which have been opened to us at a very considerable expense) we are enabled to communicatemalheureusementthat with the close of the saison de 1841, the corps opératique loses one of its most brilliant ornaments. That memorable epocha was chosen by Rubini for making a graceful congé to a fashionable audience, amidst an abundance of tearsshed in the choicest Italianand showers of bouquets. The subjects chosen for representation were apropos in the extreme; all being of a triste character, namely, the atta terzo of Marino Faliero, the finale of Lucia di Lammermoor, and the last parte of La Sonnambula: these were the chosen vehicles for Rubinis soirée dadieu.

As this tenor primissimo has, in a professional regarde, disappeared from amongst usas the last echoes of his voix magnifique have died awayas he has made a final exit from the public plafond to the coulisses of private lifewe deem it due to future historians of the Italian Opera de Londres, to record our admiration, our opinions, and our regrets for this great artiste.

Signor Rubini is in stature what might be denominated juste milieu; his taille is graceful, his figure pleasing, his eyes full of expression, his hair bushy: his comport upon the stage, when not excited by passion, is full of verve and brusquerie, but in passages which the Maestro has marked con passione nothing can exceed the elegance of his attitudes, and the pleasing dignity of his gestures. After, par exemple, the recitativi, what a pretty empressement he gave (alas! that we must now speak in the past tense!) to the tonic or key-note, by locking his arms in each other over his poitrineby that after expansion of themthat clever alto movement of the toesthat apparent embracing of the fumes des lampeshow touching! Then, while the sinfonia of the andante was in progress, how gracefully he turned son dos to the delighted auditors, and made an interesting promenade au fond, always contriving to get his finely-arched nose over the lumières at the precise point of time (we speak in a musical sense) where the word voce is marked in the score. His pantomime to the allegri was no less captivating; but it was in the stretta that his beauty of action was most exquisitely apparent; there, worked up by an elaborate crescendo (the motivo of which is always, in the Italian school, a simple progression of the diatonic scale), the furor with which this cantratice hurried his hands into the thick clumps of his picturesque perruque, and seemed to tear its cheveux out by the roots (without, however, disturbing the celebrated side-parting a single hair)the vigour with which he beat his breasthis final expansion of arms, elevation of toes, and the impressive frappe of his right foot upon the stage immediately before disappearing behind the coulissesmust be fresh in the souvenir of our dilettanti readers.

But how shall we parle concerning his voix? That exquisite organ, whose falsetto emulated the sweetness of flutes, and reached to A flat in altissimothe voce media of which possessed an unequalled aplomb, whose deep double G must still find a well-in-tune echo in the tympanum of every amateur of taste. That, we must confess, as critics and theoretical musicians, causes us considerable embarras for words to describe. Who that heard it on Saturday last, has yet recovered the ravishing sensation produced by the thrilling tremour with which Rubini gave the Notte dOrrore, in Rossinis Marino Faliero? Who can forget the recitativo con andante et allegro, in the last scene of La Sonnambula; or the burst of anguish con expressivissimo, when accused of treason, while personating his favourite rôle in Lucia di Lammermoor? Ah! those who suffered themselves to be detained from the opera on Saturday last by mere illness, or other light causes, will, to translate a forcible expression in the Inferno of Dante, go down with sorrow to the grave. To them we say, Rubini est partigone!he has sent forth his last utconcluded his last rehis ultimate note has soundedhis last billet de banque is pocketedhe has, to use an emphatic and heart-stirring mot, coupé son bâton!

It is due to the sentimens of the audience of Saturday, to notice the evident regret with which they received Rubinis adieux; for, towards the close of the evening, the secret became known. Animated conversazioni resounded from almost every box during many of his most charming piano passages (and never will his sotto-voce be equalled)the beaux esprits of the pit discussed his merits with audible goût; while the gallery and upper stalls remained in mute grief at the consciousness of that being the dernière fois they would ever be able to hear the sublime voce-di-testa of Italys prince of tenori.

Although this retirement will make the present clôture of the opera one of the most memorable événemens in les annales de lopéra, yet some remarks are demanded of us upon the other artistes. In Marino Faliero, Lablache came the Dodge with remarkable success. Madlle. Loewe, far from deserving her bas nom, was the height of perfection, and gave her celebrated scena in the last-named opera avec une force superbe. Persiani looked remarkably well, and wore a most becoming robe in the rôle of Amina.

Of the danseuses we have hardly space to speak. Cerito exhibited the poetry of motion with her usual skill, particularly in a difficult pas with Albert. The ballet was Le Diable Amoureux, and the stage was watered between each act.

THE GREAT UNACTABLES. It seems that the English Opera-house has been taken for twelve nights, to give a free stage and fair play to EVERY ENGLISH LIVING DRAMATIST. Considering that the Council of the Dramatic Authors Theatre comprises at least half-a-dozen Shakspeares in their own conceit, to say nothing of one or two Rowes (soft ones of course), a sprinkling of Otways, with here and there a Massinger, we may calculate pretty correctly how far the stage they have taken possession of is likely to be free, or the play to be fair towards Every English living Dramatist.

It appears that a small knot of very great geniuses have been, for some time past, regularly sending certain bundles of paper, called Dramas, round to the different metropolitan theatres, and as regularly receiving them back again. Some of these geniuses, goaded to madness by this unceremonious treatment, have been guilty of the insanity of printing their plays; and, though the Rejected Addresses were a very good squib, the rejected Dramas are much too ponderous a joke for the public to take; so that, while in their manuscript form, they always produced speedy returns from the managers, they, in their printed shape, caused no returns to the publishers. It is true, that a personal acquaintance of some of the authors with Nokes of the North Eastern Independent, or some other equally-influential country print, may have gained for them, now and then, an egregious puff, wherein the writers are said to be equal to Goëthe, a cut above Sheridan Knowles, and the only successors of Shakspeare; but we suspect that the mantle of the Elizabethan poets, which is said to have descended on one of these gentry, would, if inspected, turn out to be something more like Fitzballs Tagiioni or Dibdin Pitts Macintosh.

No one can suspect PUNCH of any prestige in favour of the restrictions laid upon the dramafor our own free-and-easy habit of erecting our theatre in the first convenient street we come to, and going through our performance without caring a rush for the Lord Chamberlain or the Middlesex magistrates, must convince all who know us, that we are for a thoroughly free trade in theatricals; but, nevertheless, we think the Great Unactables talk egregious nonsense when they prate about the possibility of their efforts working a beneficial alteration in a law which presses so fatally on dramatic genius. We think their tom-foolery more likely to induce restrictions that may prevent others from exposing their mental imbecility, than to encourage the authorities to relax the laws that might hinder them from doing so. The boasted compliance with legal requisites in the mode of preparing Martinuzzi for the stage is not a new idea, and we only hope it may be carried out one-half as well as in the instances of Romeo and Juliet as the Law directs, and Othello according to Act of Parliament. There is a vaster amount of humbug in the play-bill of this new concern, than in all the open puffs that have been issued for many years past from all the regular establishments. The tirade against the lawthe announcement of alterations in conformity with the lawthe hint that the musical introductions are such as the law may requiremean nothing more than thisif the piece is damned, its the law; if it succeeds, its the authors genius! Now, every one who has written for the illegitimate stage, and therefore PUNCH in particular, knows very well that the necessity for the introduction of music into a piece played at one of the smaller theatres is only nominalthat four pieces of verse are interspersed in the copy sent to the licenser, but these are such matters of utter course, that their invention or selection is generally left to the prompters genius. The piece is, unless essentially musical, licensed with the songs and acted withoutor, at least, there is no necessity whatever for retaining them. Why, therefore, should Mr. Stephens drag solos, duets, choruses, and other musical arrangements, into his drama, unless it is that he thinks they will give it a better chance of success? while, in the event of failure, he reserves the right of turning round upon the law and the music, which he will declare were the means of damning it.

A set of briefless barristersall would-be Erskines, Thurlows, or Eldons, at the leastmight as well complain of the system that excludes them from the Woolsack, and take a building to turn it into a Court of Chancery on their own account, as that these luckless scribblers, all fancying the Elizabethan mantle has fallen flop upon their backs, should set themselves up for Shakspeares on their own account, and seize on a metropolitan theatre as a temple for the enshrinement of their genius.

If PUNCH has dealt hardly with these gentlemen, it is because he will bear no brother near the throne of humbug and quackery. Like a steward who tricks his master, but keeps the rest of the servants honest, PUNCH will gammon the public to the utmost of his skill, but he will take care that no one else shall exercise a trade of which he claims by prescription the entire monopoly.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 85] SEPTEMBER 5, 1841. THE GENTLEMANS OWN BOOK. A man on a horse charges through a laurel wreath in the shape of an O ur consideration must now be given to those essentials in the construction of a true gentlemanthe cut, ornaments, and pathology of his dress.

THE CUT is to the garment what the royal head and arms are to the cointhe insignia that give it currency. No matter what the material, gold or copper, Saxony or sackcloth, the die imparts a value to the one, and the shears to the other.

Ancient Greece still lives in its marble demi-gods; the vivifying chisel of Phidias was thought worthy to typify the sublimity of Jupiter; the master-hand of Canova wrought the Parian block into the semblance of the sea-born goddess, giving to insensate stone the warmth and etheriality of the Paphian paragon; and Stultz, with his grace-bestowing shears, has fashioned West of England broad-cloths, and fancy goods, into all the nobility and gentility of the Blue Book, the Court Guide, the Army, Navy, and Law Lists, for 1841.

Wondrous and kindred arts! The sculptor wrests the rugged block from the rocky ribs of his mother earth;the tailor clips the implicated long hogs11. The first growth of wool. from the prolific backs of the living mutton;the toothless saw, plied by an unweayring hand, prepares the stubborn mass for the chisels tracery;the loom, animated by steam (that gigantic child of Wallsend and water), twists and twines the unctuous and pliant fleece into the silky Saxony.

The sculptor, seated in his studio, throws loose the reins of his imagination, and, conjuring up some perfect ideality, seeks to impress the beautiful illusion on the rude and undigested mass before him. The tailor spreads out, upon his ample board, the happy broadcloth; his eyes scan the measured proportions of his client, and, with mystic power, guides the obedient pipe-clay into the graceful diagram of a perfect gentleman. The sculptor, with all the patient perseverance of genius, conscious of the greatness of its object, chips, and chips, and chips, from day to day; and as the stone quickens at each touch, he glows with all the pride of the creative Prometheus, mingled with the gentler ecstacies of paternal love. The tailor, with fresh-ground shears, and perfect faith in the gentility and solvency of his client, snips, and snips, and snips, until the superfine grows, with each abscission, into the first style of elegance and fashion, and the excited schneider feels himself every inch a king, his shop a heralds college, and every brown paper pattern garnishing its walls, an escutcheon of gentility.

But to dismount from our Pegasus, or, in other words, to cut the poetry, and come to the practice of our subject, it is necessary that a perfect gentleman should be cut up very high, or cut down very lowi.e., up to the marquis or down to the jarvey. Any intermediate style is perfectly inadmissible; for who above the grade of an attorney would wear a coat with pockets inserted in the tails, like salt-boxes; or any but an incipient Esculapius indulge in trousers that evinced a morbid ambition to become knee-breeches, and were only restrained in their aspirations by a pair of most strenuous straps. We will now proceed to details.

The dressing-gown should be cut onlyfor the arm holes; but be careful that the quantity of material be very amplesay four times as much as is positively necessary, for nothing is so characteristic of a perfect gentleman as his improvidence. This garment must be constructed without buttons or button-holes, and confined at the waist with cable-like bell- ropes and tassels. This elegant déshabille had its origin (like the Corinthian capital from the Acanthus) in accident. A set of massive window-curtains having been carelessly thrown over a lay figure, or tailors torso, in Nugees studio, in St. Jamess-street, suggested to the luxuriant mind of the Adonisian DOrsay, this beautiful combination of costume and upholstery. The eighteen-shilling chintz great-coats, so ostentatiously put forward by nefarious tradesmen as dressing-gowns, and which resemble pattern-cards of the vegetable kingdom, are unworthy the notice of all gentlemenof course excepting those who are so by act of Parliament. Although it is generally imagined that the coat is the principal article of dress, we attach far greater importance to the trousers, the cut of which should, in the first place, be regulated by natures cut of the leg. A gentleman who labours under either a convex or a concave leg, cannot be too particular in the arrangement of the strap-draught. By this we mean that a concave leg must have the pull on the convex side, and vice versa, the garment being made full, the effects of bad nursing are, by these means, effectually repealed.22. Baylis. This will be better understood if the reader will describe a parallelogram, and draw therein the arc of a circle equal to that described by his leg, whether knock-kneed or bandy.

If the leg be perfectly straight, then the principal peculiarity of cut to be attended to, is the external assurance that the trousers cannot be removed from the body without the assistance of a valet.

The other considerations should be their applicability to the promenade or the equestriade. We are indebted to our friend Beau Reynolds for this original idea and it is upon the plan formerly adopted by him that we now proceed to advise as to the maintenance of the distinctions.

Let your schneider baste the trousers together, and when you have put them on, let them be braced to their natural tension; the schneider should then, with a small pair of scissors, cut out all the wrinkles which offend the eye. The garment, being removed from your person, is again taken to the tailors laboratory, and the embrasures carefully and artistically fine-drawn. The process for walking or riding trousers only varies in these particularsfor the one you should stand upright, for the other you should straddle the back of a chair. Trousers cut on these principles entail only two inconveniences, to which every one with the true feelings of a gentleman would willingly submit. You must never attempt to sit down in your walking trousers, or venture to assume an upright position in your equestrians, for compound fractures in the region of the os sacrum, or dislocations about the genu patellæ are certain to be the results of such rashness, and then

A valet shakes a brush at a gentlemen cuddling a housemaid. THE PEACE OF THE VALET IS FLED.

SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. NO. 6. Thou hast humbled the proud,

For my spirit hath bowd

More humbly to thee than it eer bowd before;

But thy powr is past,

Thou hast triumphd thy last,

And the heart you enslaved beats in freedom once more!

I have treasured the flowr

You wore but an hour,

And knelt by the mound where together weve sat;

But thy-folly and pride

I now only deride

So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that!

That I loved, and how well,

It were madness to tell

To one who hath mockd at my maddning despair.

Like the white wreath of snow

On the Alps rugged brow,

Isabel, I have proved thee as cold as thourt fair!

Twas thy boast that I sued,

That you scornd as I wood

Though thou of my hopes were the Mount Ararat;

But to-morrow I wed

Araminta instead

So, fair Isabel, take your change out of that!

THE LAST HAUL. The ponds in St. Jamess Park were on last Monday drawn with nets, and a large quantity of the fish preserved there carried away by direction of the Chief Commissioner of Woods and Forests. Our talented correspondent, Ben DIsraeli, sends us the following squib on the circumstance:

Oh! never more, Duncannon cried,

The spoils of place shall fill our dishes!

But though weve lost the loaves well take

Our last sad haul amongst the fishes.

GENERAL SATISFACTION. Lord Coventry declared emphatically that the sons, the fathers, and the grandfathers were all satisfied with the present corn laws. Had his lordship thought of the Herald, he might have added, and the grandmothers also.

ADVERTISEMENT. If the enthusiastic individual who distinguished himself on the O.P. side of third row in the pit of the late Theatre Royal English Opera House, but now the refuge for the self-baptised Council of Dramatic Literature, can be warranted sober, and guaranteed an umbrella, in the use of which he is decidedly unrivalled, he is requested to apply to the Committee of management, where he will hear of something to his advantage.

[pg 86] A man looks in a pond and sees Shakspere PUNCHS LITERATURE. The Hungarian Daughter, a Dramatic Poem, by George Stephens, 8vo., pp. 294. London: 1841. Introductory(!) Preface to the above, pp. 25. Supplement to the above; consisting of Opinions of the Press, on various Works by George Stephens, 8vo., pp. 8. Opinions of the Press upon the Dramatic Merits and Actable Qualities of the Hungarian Daughter, 8vo., closely printed, pp. 16. The blind and vulgar prejudice in favour of Shakspeare, Massinger, and the elder dramatic poetsthe sickening adulation bestowed upon Sheridan Knowles and Talfourd, among the modernsand the base, malignant, and selfish partiality of theatrical managers, who insist upon performing those plays only which are adapted to the stagewhose grovelling souls have no sympathy with geniuswhose ideas are fixed upon gain, have hitherto smothered those blazing illuminati, George Stephens and his synSyncretcis; have hindered their literary effulgence from breaking through the mists hung before the eyes of the public, by a weak, infatuated adherence to paltry Nature, and a silly infatuation in favour of those who copy her.

At length, however, the public blushes (through its representative, the provincial press, and the above-named critical puffs,) with shamethe managers are fast going mad with bitter vexation, for having, to use the words of that elegant pleonasm, the introductory preface, by a sort of ex officio hallucination, rejected this and some twenty other exquisite, though unactable dramas! It is a fact, that since the opening of the English Opera House, Mr. Webster has been confined to his room; Macready has suspended every engagement for Drury-lane; and the managers of Covent Garden have gone the atrocious length of engaging sibilants and ammunition from the neighbouring market, to pelt the Syncretics off the stage! Them we leave to their dirty work and their repentance, while we proceed to our delightful task.

To prove that the mantle of the Elizabethan poets seems to have fallen upon Mr. Stephens (Opinions, p. 11), that the Hungarian Daughter is quite as good as Knowless best plays (Id. p. 4, in two places), that it is equal to Goethe (Id. p. 11), that in after years the name of Mr. S. will be amongst those which have given light and glory to their country (Id. p. 10); to prove, in short, the truth of a hundred other laudations collected and printed by this modest author, we shall quote a few passages from his play, and illustrate his genius by pointing out their beautiesan office much needed, particularly by certain dullards, the magazine of whose souls are not combustible enough to take fire at the electric sparks shot forth up out of the depths of George Stephenss unfathomable genius!

The first gem that sparkles in the play, is where Isabella, the Queen Dowager of Hungary, with a degree of delicacy highly becoming a matron, makes desperate love to Castaldo, an Austrian ambassador. In the midst of her ravings she breaks off, to give such a description of a steeple- chase as Nimrod has never equalled.

ISABELLA (hotly). Love rides upon a thought,

And stays not dully to inquire the way,

But right oerleaps the fence unto the goal.

To appreciate the splendour of this image, the reader must conceive Love booted and spurred, mounted upon a thought, saddled and bridled. He starts. Yo-hoiks! what a pace! He stops not to inquire the waywhether he is to take the first turning to the right, or the second to the leftbut on, on he rushes, clears the fence cleverly, and wins by a dozen lengths!

What soul, what mastery, what poetical skill is here! We triumphantly put forth this passage as an instance of the sublime art of sinking in poetry not to be matched by Dibdin Pitt or Jacob Jones. Love is sublimed to a jockey, Thought promoted to a race-horse!Magnificent!

But splendid as this is, Mr. Stephens can make the force of bathos go a little further. The passage continues (a pause intervening, to allow breathing ime, after the splitting pace with which Love has been riding upon Thought) thus:

Are your lips free? A smile will make no noise.

What ignorance! So! Well! Ill to breakfast straight!

Again:

ISABELLA. Ha! ha! These forms are airmere counterfeits

Of my imaginous heart, as are the whirling

Wainscot and trembling floor!

The idea of transferring the seat of imagination from the head to the heart, and causing it to exhibit the wainscot in a pirouette, and the floor in an ague, is highly Shakesperesque, and, as the Courier is made to say at page 3 of the Opinions, is worthy of the best days of that noble school of dramatic literature in which Mr. Stephens has so successfully studied.

This well-deserved praisethe success with which the author has studied, in a school, the models of which were human feelings and nature,we have yet to illustrate from other passages. Mr. Stephens evinces his full acquaintance with Nature by a familiarity with her convulsions: whirlwinds, thunder, lightning, earthquakes, and volcanoesare this gentlemans playthings. When, for instance, Rupert is going to be gallant to Queen Isabella, she exclaims:

Dire lightnings! Scoundrel! Help!

Martinuzzi conveys a wish for his nobles to laughan order for a sort of court cachinnationin these pretty terms:

Blow it about, ye opposite winds of heaven,

Till the loud chorus of derision shake