Chapter III: Front Matter (3)

The cause of this natural diversity is not very apparent. The deficiency of gesture on our parts may be a necessary result of that prudence which is so marked a feature of the English character. Mr. Brown, perhaps, objects to using two means to attain his end when one is sufficient, and consequently looks upon all gesticulation during conversation as a wicked waste of physical labour, which that most sublime and congenial science of Pol. Econ. has shown him to be the source of all wealth. To indulge in pantomime is, therefore, in his eyes, the same as throwing so much money in the dirta crime which he regards as second in depravity only to that of having none to throw. Napoleon said, many years back, we were a nation of shopkeepers; and time seems to have increased, rather than diminished, our devotion to the ledger. Gold has become our sole standard of excellence. We measure a mans respectability by his bankers account, and mete out to the pauper the same punishment as the felon. Our very nobility is a nobility of the breeches pocket; and the highest personage in the realmher most gracious Majestythe most gracious Majesty of 500,000l. per annum! Nor is this to be wondered at. To a martial people like the Romans, it was perfectly natural that animal courage should be thought to constitute heroic virtue: to a commercial people like ourselves, it is equally natural that a mans worthiness should be computed by what he is worth. We fear it is this commercial spirit, which, for the reason before assigned, is opposed to the introduction of pantomime among us; and it is therefore to this spirit that we would appeal, in our endeavours to supply a deficiency which we cannot but look upon as a national misfortune and disgrace. It makes us appear as a cold-blooded race of people, which we assuredly are not; for, after all our wants are satisfied, what nation can make such heroic sacrifices for the benefit of their fellow creatures as our own? A change, however, is coming over us: a few pantomimic signs have already made their appearance amongst us. It is true that they are at present chiefly confined to that class upon whose manners politeness places little or no restraintbarbarians, who act as nature, rather than as the book of etiquette dictates, (and among whom, for that very reason, such a change would naturally first begin to show itself:) yet do we trust, by pointing out to the more refined portion of the British public, the advantage that must necessarily accrue from the general cultivation of the art of pantomime, by proving to them its vast superiority over the comparatively tedious operations of speech, and exhibiting its capacity of conveying a far greater quantity of thought in a considerably less space of time, and that with a saving of one-half the muscular exertiona point so perfectly consonant with the present prevailing desire for cheap and rapid communicationthat we say we hope to be able not only to bring the higher classes to look upon it no longer as a vulgar and extravagant mode of expression, but actually to introduce and cherish it among them as the most polite and useful of all accomplishments.

A man winking But in order to exhibit the capacities of this noble art in all their comprehensive excellence, it is requisite that we should, in the first place, say a few words on language in general.

It is commonly supposed that there are but two kinds of language among menthe written and the spoken: whereas it follows, from the very nature of language itself, that there must necessarily be as many modes of conveying our impressions to our fellow-creatures, as there are senses or modes of receiving impressions in them. Accordingly, there are five senses and five languages; to wit, the audible, the visible, the olfactory, the gustatory, and the sensitive. To the two first belong speech and literature. As illustrations of the third, or olfactory language, may be cited the presentation of a pinch of Princes Mixture to a stranger, or a bottle of Bouquet du Roi to a fair acquaintance; both of which are but forms of expressing to them nasally our respect. The nose, however, is an organ but little cultivated in man, and the language which appeals to it is, therefore, in a very imperfect state; not so the gustatory, or that which addresses itself to the palate. This, indeed, may be said to be imbibed with our mothers milk. What words can speak affection to the child like elecampanewhat language assures us of the remembrance of an absent friend like a brace of wood- cocks? Then who does not comprehend the eloquence of dinners? A rump steak, and bottle of old port, are not these to all guests the very emblems of esteemand turtle, venison, and champagne, the unmistakeable types of respect? If the citizens of a particular town be desirous of expressing their profound admiration of the genius of a popular author, how can the sentiment be conveyed so fitly as in a public dinner? or if a candidate be anxious to convince the free and independent electors of a certain borough of his disinterested regard for the commonweal, what more persuasive language could he adopt than the general distribution of unlimited beer? Of the sensitive, or fifth and last species of language, innumerable instances might be quoted. All understand the difference in meaning between cuffs and caressesbetween being shaken heartily by the hand and kicked rapidly down stairs. Who, however ignorant, could look upon the latter as a compliment? or what fair maiden, however simple, would require a master to teach her how to construe a gentle compression of her fingers at parting, or a tender pressure of her toe under the dinner table?

Such is an imperfect sketch of the five languages appertaining to man. There is, however, one otherthat which forms the subject of the present articlePantomime, and which may be considered as the natural form of the visible languageliterature being taken as the artificial. This is the most primitive as well as most comprehensive, of all. It is the earliest, as it is the most intuitivethe smiles and frowns of the mother being the first signs understood by the infant. Indeed, if we consider for a moment that all existence is but a Pantomime, of which Time is the harlequin, changing to-day into yesterday, summer into winter, youth into old age, and life into death, and we but the clowns who bear the kicks and buffets of the scene, we cannot fail to desire the general cultivation of an art which constitutes the very essence of existence itself. Speech, says Talleyrand, that profound political pantomimist, was given to conceal our thoughts; and truly this is the chief use to which it is applied. We are continually clamouring for acts in lieu of words. Let but the art of Pantomime become universal, and this grand desideratum must be obtained. Then we shall find that candidates, instead of being able, as now, to become legislators by simply professing to be patriots, will be placed in the awkward predicament of having first to act as such; and that the clergy, in lieu of taking a tenth part of the produce for the mere preaching of Christianity, will be obliged to sacrifice at least a portion to charitable purposes, and practise it.

Indeed, we are thoroughly convinced, that when the manifold advantages of this beautiful art shall be generally known, it cannot fail of becoming the principle of universal communication. Nor do we despair of ultimately finding the elegant Lord A. avowing his love for the beautiful Miss B., by gently closing one of his eyes, and the fair lady tenderly expressing that doubt and incredulity which are the invariable concomitants of Loves young dream, by a gentle indication with the dexter hand over the sinister shoulder.

A man laying a finger aside of his nose, and another with a thumbs-up AN ALLIGATOR CHAIRMAN. An action was recently brought in the Court of Queens Bench against Mr. Walter, to recover a sum of money expended by a person named Clark, in wine, spirits, malt liquors, and other refreshments, during a contest for the representation of the borough of Southwark. One of the witnesses, who it appears was chairman of Mr. Walters committee, swore that every thing the committee had to eat or drink went through him. By a remarkable coincidence, the counsel for the plaintiff in this tippling case was Mr. Lush.

[pg 11] AN ODE. PICKED UP IN KILLPACKS DIVAN. Cum notis variorum. Excise Court.An information was laid against Mr. Killpack, for selling spirituous liquor. Mr. James (the counsel for the defendant) stated that there was a club held there, of which Mr. Keeley, the actor, was treasurer, and many others of the theatrical profession were members, and that they had a store of brandy, whiskey, and other spirits. Fined £5 in each case.Observer INVOCATION. Assist, ye jocal nine1,1. Ye jocal nine, a happy modification of Ye vocal nine. The nine here so classically invocated are manifestly nine of the members of the late club, consisting of, 1. Mr. Ds Jd. 2. The subject of the engraving, treasurer and store-keeper. 3. Mr. Ge Sh, sub-ed. J B. 4. Mr. Bd, Mem. Dram. Authors Society. 5. Cs Sy, ditto. 6. Mr. Ce. 7. Mr. Cs, Ts, late of the firm of Ts and Pt. 8. Mr. Je An, Mem. Soc. British Artists. 9, and lastly, though not least, the author of You loved me not in happier days. inspire my soul!

(Waiter! a go of Bretts best alcohol,

A light, and one of Killpacks mild Havannahs).

Fire me! again I say, while loud hosannas

I sing of what we wereof what we now are.

Wildly let me rave,

To imprecate the knave

Whose curious information turned our porter sour,

Bottled our stout, doing it (ruthless cub!)

Brown,

Down

Knocking our snug, unlicensed club;

Changing, despite our belle esprit, at one fell swop,

Into a legal coffee-crib, our contraband cook-shop!

ODE. Then little Bob arose,

And doffd his clothes,

Exclaiming, Momus! Stuff!

Ive played him long enough,

And, as the public seems inclined to sack us,

Behold me ready dressed to play young Bacchus.

Bacchus straddling a barrel marked 'Best British Brandy Not Permitted' He said22. He said.Deeply imbued with the style of the most polished of the classics, our author will be found to exhibit in some passages an imitation of it which might be considered pedantic, for ourselves, we admire the severe style. The literal rendering of the dixit of the ancient epicists, strikes us as being eitremely forcible here.PUNCH. his legs the barrel span,

And thus the Covent Garden god began;

GENTLEMEN,I amahem!I beg your pardon,

But, ahem! as first low com. of Common Garden

No, I dont mean that, I mean to say,

That if we wereahem!to pay

So much per quarter for our quarterns, [Cries of Hear!]

Import our own champagne and ginger-beer;

In short, small duty pay on all we sup

Ahem!you understandI give it up.

The speech was ended,

And Bob descended.

The club was formed. A spicy club it was

Especially on Saturdays; because

They dined extrordinary cheap at five oclock:

When there were met members of the Dram. A. Soc.

Those of the sock and buskin, artists, court gazetteers

Odd fellows allodder than all their club compeers.

Some were sub-editors, others reporters,

And more illuminati, joke-importers.

The club was heterogenous

By strangers seen as

A refuge for destitute bons mots

Dépôt for leaden jokes and pewter pots;

Repertory for gin and jeux desprit,

Literary pound for vagrant rapartee;

Second-hand shop for left-off witticisms;

Gallry for Tomkins and Pitt-icisms;33. A play-bill reminiscence, viz. The scenery by Messrs. Tomkins and Pitt.THE AUTHORS OF BUT, HOWEVER.

Foundling hospital for every bastard pun;

In short, a manufactory for all sorts of fun!

Arouse my muse! such pleasing themes to quit,

Hear me while I say

Donnez-moi du frenzy, sil vous plait!44. Donnez-moi, &c.The classics of all countries are aptly drawn upon by the universal erudition of our bard. A fine parody this upon the exclamation of Belmontels starving author: La Gloiredonnez-moi do pain!FENWICK DE PORQUET.

Give me a most tremendous fit

Of indignation, a wild volcanic ebullition,

Or deep anathema,

Fatal as Jds bah!

To hurl excisemen downward to perdition.

May genial gin no more delight their throttles

Their casks grow leaky, bottomless their bottles;

May smugglers run, and they neer make a seizure;

May theyIll curse them further at my leisure.

But for our club,

Ay, theres the rub.

We mourn it dead in its fathers halls:55. They mourn it dead, &c.A pretty, but perhaps too literal allusion to a popular songJ. RODWELL.

The sporting prints are cut down from the walls;

No stuffing there,

Not even in a chair;

The spirits are all ex(or)cised,

The coffee-cups capsized,

The coffee fine-d, the snuff all taken,

The mild Havannahs are by lights forsaken:

The utter ruin of the clubs achieven

Our very chess-boards are ex-chequered even.

Where is our club? Xsighs,66. Xsighs.Who X may happen to be we have not the remotest idea. But who would not forgive a little mystification for so brilliant a pun?THE GHOST OF PUNCHS THEATRE. and with a stare

Like to another echo, answers Where?

MR. HUME. We are requested by Mr. Hume to state, that being relieved from his parliamentary duties, he intends opening a day-school in the neighbourhood of the House of Commons, for the instruction of members only, in the principles of the illustrious Cocker; and to remedy in some measure his own absence from the Finance Committees, he is now engaged in preparing a Parliamentary Ready-reckoner. We heartily wish him success.

PRIVATE. In the event of the Tories coming into power, it is intended to confer the place of Postmaster-General upon Lord Clanwilliam. It would be difficult to select an individual more peculiarly fitted for the situation than his lordship, whose love of letters is notorious in the Carlton Club.Extract from an Intercepted Letter.

AND DOTH NOT A MEETING LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS? It is currently reported at the Conservative Clubs, that if their party should come into power, Sir Robert Peel will endeavour to conciliate the Whigs, and to form a coalition with their former opponents. We have no doubt the cautious baronet sees the necessity of the step, and would feel grateful for support from any quarter; but we much doubt the practicability of the measure. It would indeed he a strange sight to see Lord Johnny and Sir Bobby, the two great leaders of the opposition engines, with their followers, meeting amicably on the floor of the House of Commons. In our opinion, an infernal crash and smash would be the result of these

Four trains meeting at an intersection with bodies strewn about. GRAND JUNCTION TRAINS.

[pg 12] THE DRAMA. The star system has added another victim to the many already sacrificed to its rapacity and injustice. Mr. Phelps, an actor whose personation of Macduff, the Hunchback, Jaques, &c., would have procured for him in former times no mean position, has been compelled to secede from the Haymarket Theatre from a justifiable feeling of disgust at the continual sacrifices he was required to make for the aggrandisement of one to whom he may not possibly ascribe any superiority of genius. The part assigned to Mr. Phelps (Friar Lawrence) requires an actor of considerable powers, and under the old régime would have deteriorated nothing from Mr. Phelps position; but we can understand the motives which influenced its rejection, and whilst we deprecate the practice of actors refusing parts on every caprice, we consider Mr. Phelps opposition to this ruinous system of starring as commendable and manly. The real cause of the decline of the drama is the upholding of this system. The stars are paid so enormously, and cost so much to maintain them in their false position, that the manager cannot afford (supposing the disposition to exist) to pay the working portion of his company salaries commensurate with their usefulness, or compatible with the appearance they are expected to maintain out of the theatre; whilst opportunities of testing their powers as actors, or of improving any favourable impression they may have made upon the public, is denied to them, from the fear that the influence of the greater, because more fortunate actor, may be diminished thereby. These facts are now so well known, that men of education are deterred from making the stage a profession, and consequently the scarcity of rising actors is referable to this cause.

The poverty of our present dramatic literature may also be attributable to this absurd and destructive system. The star must be considered alone in the construction of the drama; or if the piece be not actually made to measure, the actor, par excellence, must be the arbiter of the authors creation. Writers are thus deterred from making experiments in the higher order of dramatic writing, for should their subject admit of this individual display, its rejection by the star would render the labour of months valueless, and the dramatist, driven from the path of fame, degenerates into a literary drudge, receiving for his wearying labour a lesser remuneration than would be otherwise awarded him, from the pecuniary monopoly of the star.

It is this system which has begotten the present indifference to the stage. The public had formerly many favourites, because all had an opportunity of contending for their favournow they have only Mr. A. or Mrs. B., who must ultimately weary the public, be their talent what it may, as the sweetest note would pall upon the ear, were it continually sounded, although, when harmonised with others, it should constitute the charm of the melody.

We have made these remarks divested of any personal consideration. We quarrel only with the system that we believe to be unjust and injurious to an art which we reverence.

VAUXHALL.Vauxhall! region of Punch, both liquid and corporeal!Elysium of illumination lamps!Paradise of Simpson!we have been permitted once again to breathe your oily atmosphere, to partake of an imaginary repast of impalpable ham and invisible chickento join in the eruption of exclamations at thy pyrotechnic gloriesto swallow thy mysterious arrack and

A jester wearing a toga PUNCH A LA ROMAINE.

We have seen Jullien, the elegant, pantomimic Jullien, exhibit his six- inch wristbands and exquisitely dressed headwe have roved again amid those bowers where, with Araminta Smith, years ago,

We met the daylight after seven hours sitting.

But we were not happy. There was a something that told us it was not Vauxhall: the G Rs were V Rsthe cocked hats were round hatsthe fiddlers were foreignersthe Rotunda was Astleysthe night was moon- shinyand there was notour pen weeps whilst we trace the mournful factthere was not Simpson to exclaim, Welcome to the royal property! Urbane M.A.C., wouldst that thou hadst been a Mussulman, then wouldst thou doubtlessly be gliding about amid an Eden of Houris, uttering to the verge of time the hospitable sentence which has rendered thy name immortalPeace to thy manes!

STRAND.The enterprising managers of this elegant little theatre have produced another mythological drama, called The Frolics of the Fairies; or, the Rose, Shamrock, and Thistle, from the pen of Leman Rede, who is, without doubt, the first of this class of writers. The indisposition of Mr. Hall was stated to be the cause of the delay in the production of this piece; out, from the appearance of the bills, we are led to infer that it arose from the indisposition of Mrs. Waylett to shine in the same hemisphere with that little brilliant, Mrs. Keeley, and a gem of the first water she proved herself to be on Wednesday night. It would be useless to enter into the detail of the plot of an ephemeron, that depends more upon its quips and cranks than dramatic construction for its success. It abounds in merry conceits, which that merriest ofdare we call her mere woman?little Mrs. Bob rendered as pointed as a Whitechapel needle of the finest temper. The appointments and arrangements of the stage reflect the highest credit on the management, and the industry which can labour to surmount the difficulties which we know to exist in the production of anything like scenic effect in the Strand Theatre, deserve the encouragement which we were gratified to see bestowed upon this little Temple of Momus.

The Olympic Theatre has obtained an extension of its licence from the Lord Chamberlain, and will shortly open with a company selected from Ducrows late establishment; but whether the peds are bi or quadru, rumour sayeth not.

A CARD. MESSRS. FUDGE and VAMP beg to inform novelists and writers of tales in general, that they supply dénouements to unfinished stories, on the most reasonable terms. They have just completed a large stock of catastrophes, to which they respectfully solicit attention.

FOR MELO-DRAMA. Discovery of the real murderers, and respite of the accused.

Ditto very superior, with return of the supposed victim.

Ditto, ditto, extra superfine, with punishment of vice and reward of virtue.

FOR FARCES. Mollification of flinty-hearted fathers and union of lovers, &c. &c. &c.

FOR COMEDIES. Fictitious bankruptcy of the hero, and sudden reinstatement of fortune.

Ditto, ditto, with exposure of false friends.

Non-recognition of son by father, ultimate discovery of former by latter.

Ditto, ditto, very fine, with convenient cordial, and true gentlemen, illustrated by an old debauchee.

N.B.On hand, a very choice assortment of interesting parricides, strongly recommended for Surrey use.

WHY AND BECAUSE. Young Keans a bad cigarbecause

The more hes puffd, the worse he draws.

A new farce, entitled My Friend the Captain, is to be produced tonight, at the Haymarket Theatre.

MR. HAMMOND will take a benefit at the English Opera House, on Monday next. We are happy to see that this very deserving actors professional brethren are coming forward to lend him that assistance which he has always been ready to afford to others.

TO MRS. H. Thou sweet, to whom all bend the knee,

No wonder men run after thee;

Theres something in a name, perhaps,

For Honeys often good for chaps.

A MR. GRAHAM has appeared at the Surrey. He is reported to be a very chaste and clever actor. If so, he certainly will not suit the taste of Mr. Davidges patrons. How they have tolerated Wilson, Leffler, and Miss Romer so long, we are utterly at a loss to divine. It must be, that music hath charms.

We are authorised to state that Rouse of the Eagle Tavern is not the Rous who was lately returned for Westminster.

THE REAL AND THE IDEAL; OR, THE CATASTROPHE OF A VICTORIA MELO-DRAMA. Berthelda.Sanguine, you have killed your mother!!!

Fruitwoman.Any apples, oranges, biscuits, ginger-beer!

(Curtain falls.)

QUALIFICATIONS FOR AN M.P. We give the following list of qualifications for a member of parliament for Westminster, as a logical curiosity, extracted from a handbill very liberally distributed by Captain Ronss party, during the late contest:

1st. Because he is brother to the Earl of Stradbroke.

2nd. Because his family have always been hearty Conservatives.

3rd. Because they have been established in Suffolk from the time of the Heptarchy.

4th. Because he entered the navy in 1808.

5th. Because he brought home Lord Aylmer in the Pique, in 1835.

6th. Because he ran the Pique aground in the Straits of Belleisle.

7th. Because after beating there for eleven hours, he got her off again.

8th. Because he brought her into Portsmouth without a rudder or forefoot, lower-masts all sprung, and leaking at the rate of two feet per hour! ergo, he is the fittest man for the representative of Westminster.Q.E.D.

THE ENTIRE ANIMAL. LORD LONDONDERRY, in a letter to Colonel Fitzroy, begs of the gallant member to go the whole hog. This is natural advice from a thorough bore like his lordship.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. [pg 13] JULY 24, 1841. A MODEST METHOD OF FORMING A NEW BUDGET SO AS TO PROVIDE FOR THE DEFICIENCY OF THE REVENUE. A building (with the words More Ton Dyer) and a sail forming the letter P oor Mr. Dyer! And so this gentleman has been dismissed from the commission of the peace for humanely endeavouring to obtain the release of Medhurst from confinement. Two or three thousand pounds, he thought, given to some public charity, might persuade the Home Secretary to remit the remainder of his sentence, and dispose the public to look upon the prisoner with an indulgent eye.

Now, Mr. Punch, incline thy head, and let me whisper a secret into thine ear. If the Whig ministry had not gone downright mad with the result of the elections, instead of dismissing delectable Dyer, they would have had him down upon the Pension List to such a tune as you wot not of, although of tunes you are most curiously excellent. For, oh! what a project did he unwittingly shadow forth of recruiting the exhausted budget! Such a one as a sane Chancellor of the Exchequer would have seized upon, and shaken in the face of Robert the Devil, and his crew of odious monopolists. Peel must still have pined in hopeless opposition, when Baring opened his plan.

Listen! Mandeville wrote a book, entitled Private Vices Public Benefits. Why cannot public crimes, let me ask, be made so? you, perhaps, are not on the instant prepared with an answerbut I am.

Let the Chancellor of the Exchequer forthwith prepare to discharge all the criminals in Great Britain, of whatever description, from her respective prisons, on the payment of a certain sum, to be regulated on the principle of a graduated or sliding scale.

A vast sum will be thus instantaneously raised,not enough, however, you will say, to supply the deficiency. I know it. But a moments further attention. Mr. Goulburn, many years since, being then Chancellor of the Exchequer, and, like brother Baring, in a financial hobble, proposed that on the payment, three years in advance, of the dog and hair-powder tax, all parties so handsomely coming down with the tin, should henceforth and for ever rejoice in duty-free dog, and enjoy untaxed cranium. Now, why not a proposition to this effectthat on the payment of a good round sum (let it be pretty large, for the ready is required), a man shall be exempt from the present legal consequences of any crime or crimes he may hereafter commit; or, if this be thought an extravagant scheme, and not likely to take with the public, at least let a list of prices be drawn up, that a man may know, at a glance, at what cost he may gratify a pet crime or favourite little foible. Thus:

For cutting ones own childs head offso much. (I really think I would fix this at a high price, although I am well aware it has been done for nothing.)

For murdering a father or a mothera good sum.

For ditto, a grand ditto, or a great-grand dittonot so much: their leases, it is presumed, being about to fall in.

Uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, companions, and the community in generalin proportion.

The cost of assaults and batteries, and other diversions, might be easily arranged; only I must remark, that for assaulting policemen I would charge high; that being, like the Italian Opera, for the most part, the entertainment of the nobility.

You may object that the propounding such a scheme would be discreditable, and that the thing is unprecedented. Reflect, my dear PUNCH, for an instant. Surely, nothing can be deemed to be discreditable by a Whig government, after the cheap sugar, cheap timber, cheap bread rigs. Why, this is just what might have been expected from them. I wonder they had not hit upon it. How it would have agitated the masses!

As to the want of a precedent, that is easily supplied. Pardons for all sorts and sizes of crimes were commonly bought and sold in the reign of James I.; nay, pardon granted in anticipation of crimes to be at a future time committed.

After all, you see, Mr. Dyers idea was not altogether original.

Your affectionate friend, CHRISTOPHER SLY. Pump Court.

P.S.Permit me to congratulate you on the determination you have come to, of entering the literary world. Your modesty may be alarmed, but I must tell you that several of our popular and talented authors are commonly thought to be greatly indebted to you. They are said to derive valuable hints from you, particularly in their management of the pathetic.

Keep a strict eye upon your wife, Judith. You say she will superintend your notices of the fashions, &c.; but I fear she has been already too long and exclusively employed on certain newspapers and other periodicals. Her style is not easily mistaken.

WHIG-WAGGERIES. The Whigs must go: to reign instead

The Tories will be calld;

The Whigs should neer be at the head

Dear me, Im getting bald!

The Whigs! they passd that Poor Law Bill;

Thats true, beyond a doubt;

The poor theyve treated very ill

There, kick that beggar out!

The Whigs about the sugar prate!

They do not care one dump

About the blacks and their sad state

Just please to pass the lump!

Those niggers, for their sufferings here,

Will angels be when dying;

Have wings, and flit above usdear

Why, how those blacks are flying!

The Whigs are in a state forlorn;

In fact, were neer so low:

They make a fuss about the corn

My love, youre on my toe!

The Whigs the timber duty say

They will bring down a peg;

More wooden-pated blockheads they!

Fetch me my wooden leg!

COURT CIRCULAR. Deaf Burke took an airing yesterday afternoon in an open cart. He was accompanied by Jerry Donovan. They afterwards stood up out of the rain under the piazzas in Covent Garden. In the evening they walked through the slops.

The dinner at the Harp, yesterday, was composed of many delicacies of the season, including bread-and-cheese and onions. The hilarity of the evening was highly increased by the admirable style in which Signor Jonesi sang Nix my dolly pals.

Despatches yesterday arrived at the house of Reuben Martin, enclosing a post order for three-and six-pence.

The Signor and Deaf Burke walked out at five oclock. They after wards tossed for a pint of half-and-half.

Jerry Donovan and Bill Paul were seen in close conversation yesterday. It is rumoured that the former is in treaty with the latter for a pair of left-off six-and-eightpenny Clarences.

Paddy Green intends shortly to remove to a three-pair back-room in Little Wild-street, Drury-lane, which he has taken for the summer. His loss will be much felt in the neighbourhood.

AN AN-TEA ANACREONTIC.No. 2. Rundell! pride of Ludgate Hill!

I would task thine utmost skill;

I would have a bowl from thee

Fit to hold my Howqua tea.

And oh! leave it not without

Ivory handle and a spout.

Where thy curious hand must trace

Father Mathews temperate face,

So that he may ever seem

Spouting tea and breathing steam.

On its sides do not display

Fawns and laughing nymphs at play

But portray, instead of these,

Funny groups of fat Chinese:

On its lid a mandarin,

Modelled to resemble Lin.

When completed, artisan,

I will pay youif I can.

[pg 14] SPORTING. THE KNOCKER HUNT. On Thursday, July 8, 1841, the celebrated pack of Knocker Boys met at the Cavendish, in Jermyn Street. These animals, which have acquired for themselves a celebrity as undying as that of Tom and Jerry, are of a fine powerful breed, and in excellent condition. The success which invariably attends them must be highly gratifying to the distinguished nobleman who, if he did not introduce this particular species into the metropolis, has at least done much to bring it to its present extraordinary state of perfection.

As there may be some of our readers who are ignorant of the purposes for which this invaluable pack has been organised, it may be as well to state a few particulars, before proceeding to the detail of one of the most splendid nights upon record in the annals of disorderism.

The knocker is a thing which is generally composed of brass or iron. It has frequently a violent resemblance to the human face divine, or the ravenous expressiveness of a beast of prey. It assumes a variety of phases under peculiar vinous influences. A gentleman, in whose veracity and experience we have the most unlimited confidence, for a series of years kept an account of the phenomena of his own knocker; and by his permission the following extracts are now submitted to the public:

1840.

Nov. 12Dined with Captain . Capital spreadexquisite liqueursmagnificent winesunparalleled cigarsdrank my four bottlesshould have made it five, but found I had eaten something which disagreed with meHome at four.

State of Knocker.Jumping up and down the surface of the door like a rope dancer, occasionally diverging into a zig-zag, the key-hole partaking of the same eccentricities.

Nov. 13.Supped with Charley B. Brandy, genuine cognacCigars principè. ESTIMATED CONSUMPTION: brandy and water, eighteen glassescigars, two dozenporter with a cabman, two pots.

State of Knocker.Peripateticmoved from our house to the nextremained till it roused the familyreturned to its own door, and became duplicatedwouldnt wake the house-porter till five.

N.B. Found I had used my own thumb for a sounding-plate, and had bruised my nail awfully.

Nov. 14.Devoted the day to soda-water and my tailors billgave a draught for the amount, and took another on my own account.

Nov. 15.Lectured by the governorleft the house savagemet the Marquessgot very drunk unconsciouslyfancied myself a merman, and that the gutter in the Haymarket was the Archipelagogrew preposterous, and felt that I should like to be run overthought I was waltzing with Cerito, but found I was being carried on a stretcher to the station- housesomebody sent somewhere for bail, and somebody bailed me.

State of Knocker.Very indistinctthen became uncommonly like the governor in his nightcapcould NOT reach itpresume it was filial affection that prevented meknocked of its own accord, no doubt agitated by sympathyreverberated in my ears all night, and left me with a confounded head-ache in the morning.

The above examples are sufficient to show the variability of this singular article.

Formerly the knocker was devoted entirely to the menial occupation of announcing, by a single dab, or a variation of raps, the desire of persons on the door-step to communicate with the occupants of the interior of a mansion. Modern genius has elevated it into a source of refined pleasure and practical humour, affording at the same time employment to the artisan, excitement to the gentleman, and broken heads and dislocations of every variety to the police!

We will now proceed to the details of an event which PUNCH alone is worthy to record:

Notice of a meet having been despatched to all the members of the Knocker Hunt, a splendid fieldno streetmet at the Cavendishthe hotel of the hospitable Marquess. The white damask which covered the mahogany was dotted here and there with rich and invigorating viands; whilst decanters of port and sherryjugs of Chateau Margauxbottles of exhilarating spirits, and boxes of cigars, agreeably diversified the scene. After a plentiful but orderly discussion of the creature comforts, (for all ebullitions at home are strictly prohibited by the Marquess) it was proposed to draw St. Jamess Square. This suggestion was, however, abandoned, as it was reported by Captain Pepperwell, that a party of snobs had been hunting bell-handles in the same locality, on the preceding night. Clarges Street was then named; and off we started in that direction, trying the west end of Jermyn Street and Piccadilly in our way; but, as was expected, both coverts proved blank. We were almost afraid of the same result in the Clarges Street gorse; for it was not until we arrived at No. 33, that any one gave tongue. Young Dashover was the first, and clearly and beautifully came his shrill tone upon the ear, as he exclaimed Hereth a knockerthuch a one, too! The rush was instantaneous; and in the space of a moment one feeling seemed to have taken possession of the whole pack. A more splendid struggle was never witnessed by the oldest knocker-hunter! A more pertinacious piece of cast-iron never contended against the prowess of the Corinthian! After a gallant pull of an hour and a half, the affair came off, and now graces the club-room of the Knocker Hunt.

The pack having been called off, were taken to the kennel in the Haymarket, when one young dog, who had run counter at a bell-handle, was found to be missing; but the gratifying intelligence was soon brought, that he was safe in the Vine-street station-house.

The various compounds known as champagne, port, sherry, brandy, &c., having been very freely distributed, Captain Pepperwell made a proposition that will so intimately connect his name with that of the immortal Marquess, that, like the twin-born of Jupiter and Leda, to mention one will be to imply the other.

Having obtained silence by throwing a quart measure at the waiter, he wriggled himself into an upright position, and in a voice tremulous from emotionperhaps brandy, said

Gentlemen ofthe Knocker Huntthere are times when a man cant makea speech without con-considerable inconvenience to himselfthats my case at the present momentbut my admiration for the distinguished founder of the Knocker Huntcompels meto stand as well as I canand propose, that as soon as we have knockers enoughthey be melted downby some other respectable founder, and cast into a statue ofthe Marquess of Waterford!

Deafening were the cheers which greeted the gallant captain! A meeting of ladies has since been held, at which resolutions were passed for the furtherance of so desirable an object, and a committee formed for the selection of a design worthy of the originator of the Knocker Hunt. To that committee we now appeal.

A statue of a gentleman holding a lion-faced door-knocker in the air. TO HENRY, MARQUESS OF WATERFORD, AND HIS JOLLY COMPANIONS IN LOWE, THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, CAST FROM KNOCKERS TAKEN IN THE VICINITIES OF SACKVILLE-STREET, VIGO-LANE, AND WATERLOO-PLACE, IS INSCRIBED BY THEIR GENTLEWOMEN. PLACED ON THIS SPOT ON THE FIRST DAY OF APRIL, MDCCCXLII. BY COMMAND OF COLONEL ROWAN.

Mem. The hunt meet again on Monday next, as information has been received that a splendid knocker occupies the door of Laings shooting gallery in the Haymarket.

[pg 15] STENOTYPOGRAPHY. Our printers devil, with a laudable anxiety for our success, has communicated the following pathetic story. As a specimen of stenotypography, or compositors short-hand, we consider it unique.

SERAPHINA POPPS; OR, THE BEAUTY OF BLOOMSBURY. Seraphina Popps was the daughter of Mr. Hezekiah Popps, a highly respectable pawnbroker, residing in Street, Bloomsbury. Being an only child, from her earliest infancy she wanted for 0, as everything had been made ready to her hand hand.

She grew up as most little girls do, who live long enough, and became the universal !1 of all who knew her, for

None but herself could be her ||.2

Amongst the most devoted of her admirers was Julian Fitzorphandale. Seraphina was not insensible to the worth of Julian Fitzorphandale; and when she received from him a letter, asking permission to visit her, she felt some difficulty in replying to his ?3; for, at this very critical .4, an unamiable young man, named Augustus St. Tomkins, who possessed considerable £. s. d. had become a suitor for her hand. She loved Fitzorphandale +5 St. Tomkins, but the former was ? of money; and Seraphina, though sensitive to an extreme, was fully aware that a competency was a very comfortable appendix.

She seized her pen, but found that her mind was all 6s and 7s. She spelt Fitzorphandale, P-h-i-t-z; and though she commenced ¶6 after ¶, she never could come to a finis. She upbraided her unlucky * *, either for making Fitzorphandale so poor, or St. Tomkins so ugly, which he really was. In this dilemma we must leave her at present.

Although Augustus St. Tomkins was a Freemason7, he did not possess the universal benevolence which that ancient order inculcates; but revolving in his mind the probable reasons for Seraphinas hesitation, he came to this conclusion: she either loved him -8 somebody else, or she did not love him at all. This conviction only ×9 his worst feelings, and he resolved that no ??10 of conscience should stand between him and his desires.

On the following day, Fitzorphandale had invited Seraphina to a pic-nic party. He had opened the &11 placed some boiled beef and ^^12 on the verdant grass, when Seraphina exclaimed, in the mildest ``´´13, I like it well done, Fitzorphandale!

As Julian proceeded to supply his beloved one with a §14 of the provender, St. Tomkins stood before them with a 15 in his hand.

Want of space compels us to leave the conclusion of this interesting romance to the imagination of the reader, and to those ingenious playwrights who so liberally supply our most popular authors with gratuitous catastrophes.

NOTES BY THE FLY-BOY. 1. Admiration. 2. Parallel. 3. Note of Interrogation. 4. Period. 5. More than. 6. Paragraph. 7. Freemason. 8. Less than. 9. Multiplied. 10. Scruples. 11. Hampers-and. 12. Carets. 13. Accents. 14. Section. 15. Dagger. NEWS OF EXTRAORDINARY INTEREST. A mechanic in Berlin has invented a balance of extremely delicate construction. Sir Robert Peel, it is said, intends to avail himself of the invention, to keep his political principles so nicely balanced between Whig and Tory, that the most accurate observer shall be unable to tell which way they tend.

The London Fire Brigade have received directions to hold themselves in readiness at the meeting of Parliament, to extinguish any conflagration that may take place, from the amazing quantity of inflammatory speeches and political fireworks that will be let off by the performers on both sides of the house.

The following extraordinary inducement was held out by a solicitor, who advertised last week in a morning paper, for an office-clerk; A small salary will be given, but he will have enough of over-work to make up for the deficiency.

MORE WAYS THAN ONE, &c. The incomplete state of the Treasury has been frequently lamented by all lovers of good taste. We are happy to announce that a tablet is about to be placed in the front of the building, with the following inscription:

TREASURY.

FINISHED BY THE WIGS,

ANNO DOM. MDCCCXLI.

A CON. BY TOM COOKE. Why is the common chord in music like a portion of the Mediterranean?Because its the E G & C (Ægean Sea).

Silhouette of a conductor holding a blunt object MONSIEUR JULLIEN. One!crash!

Two!clash!

Three!dash!

Four!smash!

Diminuendo,

Now crescendo:

Thus play the furious band,

Led by the kid-gloved hand

Of Jullienthat Napoleon of quadrille,

Of Piccolo-nians shrillest of the shrill;

Perspiring raver

Over a semi-quaver;

Who tunes his pipes so well, hell tell you that

The natural key of Johnny BullsA flat.

Demon of discord, with mustaches cloven

Arch impudent improver of Beethoven

Tricksy professor of charlatanerie

Inventor of musical artillery

Barbarous rain and thunder maker

Unconscionable money taker

Travelling about both near and far,

Toll to exact at every bar

What brings thee here again,

To desecrate old Drurys fane?

Egregious attitudiniser!

Antic fifer! comst to advise her

Gainst intellect and sense to close her walls?

To raze her benches,

That Gallic wenches

Might play their brazen antics at masked balls?

Ci-devant waiter

Of a quarante-sous traiteur,

Why did you leave your stew-pans and meat-oven,

To make a fricassee of the great Beet-hoven?

And whilst your piccolos unceasing squeak on,

Saucily serve Mozart with sauce-piquant;

Mawkishly cast your eyes to the cerulean

Turn Matthew Locke to potage à la julienne!

Go! go! sir, do,

Back to the rue,

Where lately you

Waited upon each hungry feeder,

Playing the garçon, not the leader.

Pray, put your hat on,

Coupez votre bâton.

Bah

Va!!

CLAR DE KITCHEN. It is now pretty well understood, that if the Tories come into office, there will be a regular turn out of the present royal household. Her Majesty, through the gracious condescension of the new powers, will be permitted to retain her situation in the royal establishment, but on the express condition that there shall be

A fashionable couple being tailed by a pair of gentlemen NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED.

A PARTY OF MEDALLERS. A subscription has been opened for a medal to commemorate the return of Lord John Russell for the city of London. We would suggest that his speech to the citizens against the corn-laws would form an appropriate inscription for the face of the medal, while that to the Huntingdonshire farmers in favour of them would be found just the thing for the reverse.

[pg 16] A CHAPTER ON BOOTS. Boots? Boots! Yes, Boots! we can write upon bootswe can moralise upon boots; we can convert them, as Jacques does the weeping stag in As You Like It, (or, whether you like it or not,) into a thousand similes. First, forbut, our soles in arms and eager for the fray, and so we will at once head our dissertation as we would a warriors host with

WELLINGTONS. A leg wearing a Wellington boot These are the most judicious species of manufactured calf-skin; like their great godfather, they are perfect as a whole; from the binding at the top to the finish at the toe, there is a beautiful unity about their well- conceived proportions: kindly considerate of the calf, amiably inclined to the instep, and devotedly serviceable to the whole foot, they shed their protecting influence over all they encase. They are walked about in not only as protectors of the feet, but of the honour of the wearer. Quarrel with a man if you like, let your passion get its steam up even to blood-heat, be magnificent while glancing at your adversarys Brutus, grand as you survey his chin, heroic at the last button of his waistcoat, unappeased at the very knees of his superior kersey continuations, inexorable at the commencement of his straps, and about to become abusive at his shoe-ties, the first cooler of your wrath will be the Hoby-like arched instep of his genuine Wellingtons, which, even as a drop of oil upon the troubled ocean, will extend itself over the heretofore ruffled surface of your temper.Now for

BLUCHERS. A leg wearing a Blucher Well, we dont like them. They are shocking impostorswalking discomforts! They had no right to be made at all; or, if made, twas a sin for them to be so christened (are Bluchers Christians?).

They are Wellingtons cut down; so, in point of genius, was their baptismal sponsor: but these are vilely tied, and that the hardy old Prussian would never have been while body and soul held together. He was no beauty, but these are decidedly ugly commodities, chiefly tenanted by swell purveyors of cats-meat, and burly-looking prize-fighters. They have the fortiter in re for kicking, but not the suaviter in modo for corns. Look at them villanously treed out at the Noahs Ark and elsewhere; what are they but eight-and-six-penny worth of discomfort! They will no more accommodate a decent foot than the old general would have turned his back in a charge, or cut off his grizzled mustachios. If it wasnt for the look of the thing, one might as well shove ones foot into a box-iron. We wouldnt be the man that christened them, and take a trifle to meet the fighting old marshal, even in a world of peace; in short, they are ambulating humbugs, and the would-be respectables that wear em are a huge fraternity of false pretenders. Dont trust em, reader; they are sure to do you! theres deceit in their straps, prevarication in their trousers, and connivance in their distended braces. We never met but one exception to the above ruleit was John Smith. Every reader has a friend of the name of John Smithin confidence, that is the man. We would have sworn by him; in fact, we did swear by him, for ten long years he was our oracle. Never shall we forget the first, the only time our faith was shaken. We gazed upon and loved his honest face; we reciprocated the firm pressure of his manly grasp; our eyes descended in admiration even unto the ground on which he stood, and there, upon that very groundthe ground whose upward growth of five feet eight seemed Heavens boast, an honest manwe saw what struck us sightless to all elsea pair of Bluchers!

We did not dream his feet were in them; ten years probation seemed to vanish at the sight!we wept! He spokecould we believe our ears? Marvel of marvels! despite the propinquity of the Bluchers, despite their wide-spreading contamination, his voice was unaltered. We were puzzled! we were like the first farourite when he has a leg, or, a LEG has him, i.e., nowhere!

John Smith coughed, not healthily, as of yore; it was a hollow emanation from hypocritical lungs: he sneezed; it was a vile imitation of his original hi-catch-yew! he invited us to dinner, suggested the best cut of a glorious haunchwe had always had it in the days of the Wellingtonsnow our imagination conjured up cold plates, tough mutton, gravy thick enough in grease to save the Humane Society the trouble of admonitory advertisements as to the danger of reckless young gentlemen skating thereon, and a total absence of sweet sauce and currant-jelly. We pausedwe grievedJohn Smith saw ithe inquired the causewe felt for him, but determined, with Spartan fortitude, to speak the truth. Our native modesty and bursting heart caused our drooping eyes once more to scan the ground, and, next to the ground, the wretched Bluchers. But, joy of joys! we saw them all! ay, all!allfrom the seam in the sides to the leech-like fat cotton-ties. We counted the six lace-holes; we examined the texture of the stockings above, curious three-threadwe gloated over the trousers uncontaminated by straps, we hugged ourselves in the contemplation of the naked truth.

John Smithour own John Smithyour John Smitheverybodys John Smithagain entered the arm-chair of our affections, the fire of our love stirred, like a self-acting poker, the embers of cooling good fellowship, and the strong blaze of resuscitated friendship burst forth with all its pristine warmth. John Smith wore Bluchers but he wore them like an honest man; and he was the only specimen of the genus homo (who sported trowsers) that was above the weakness of tugging up his suspenders and stretching his broadcloth for the contemptible purpose of giving a fictitious, Wellingtonian appearance to his eight-and- sixpennies.

ANKLE-JACKS, A leg wearing an Ankle-Jack to indulge in the sporting phraseology of the Racing Calendar, appear to be got by Highlows out of Bluchers. They thrive chiefly in the neighbourhoods of Houndsditch, Whitechapel, and Billingsgate. They attach themselves principally to butchers boys, Israelitish disposers of vix and pinthils, and itinerant misnomers of live fish. On their first introduction to their masters, by prigging or purchase, they represent some of the glories of Day and Martin; but, strange to say, though little skilled in the penmans art, their various owners appear to be imbued with extraordinary veneration for the wholesome advice contained in the round-text copy, wherein youths are admonished to avoid useless repetition, hence that polish is the Alpha and Omega of their shining days. Their term of servitude varies from three to six weeks: during the first they are fastened to the topmost of their ten holes; the next fortnight, owing to the breaking of the lace, and its frequent knotting, they are shorn of half their glories, and upon the total destruction of the thong (a thing never replaced), it appears a matter of courtesy on their parts to remain on at all. On some occasions various of their wearers have transferred them as a legacy to very considerable mobs, without particularly stating for which especial individual they were intended. This kicking off their shoes because they wouldnt die in them, has generally proved but a sorry method of lengthening existence.

HESSIANS, A leg modelling a Hessian boot are little more than ambitious Wellingtons, curved at the topwrinkled at the bottom (showing symptoms of superannuation even in their infancy), and betasselled in the front, offering what a Wellington never dida weak point for an enemy to seize and shake at his pleasure.

Theres no speculation in themthey are entirely superficial: like a shallow fellow, you at once see through, and know all about them. There is no mystery as to the height they reach, how far they are polished, or the description of leg they cling round. Save Count DOraay, we never saw a calf in a pair of themthat is, we never saw a leg with a calf. Their general tenants are speculative Jew clothesmen who have bought them vorth the monish (at tenth hand), seedy chamber counsel, or still more seedy collectors of rents. They are fast falling into decay; like dogs, they have had their Day (and Martins) Acts, but both are past. But woh! ho!

TOPS! TOPS!! TOPS!!! A booted leg in a stirrup with spurs Derby!Epsom!Ledger!Spring Summer, Autumn MeetingsMiles, Half- milesT.Y.C.Hurdles, Heats, names, weights, colours of the ridersjockies, jackets,Dead Heatssweatsdistancestrainingsscalescaps, and allwhat would you be without Top Boots? What! and echo answersnothing!

Ay, worse than nothinga chancery suit without moneyan Old Bailey culprit without an alibia debtor without an excusea new play without a titled authora manager without impudencea thief without a charactera lawyer without a wigor a Guy Faux without matches!