Chapter I: OF THE WORLD IN GENERAL. Q. What is geography? (1)

A. The looking for places on a map, or in Downing-street, or anywhere else in the world.

Q. What do you mean by the world?

A. Every place comprehended within the circle of a sixpenny omnibus fare from the Bank.

Q. Of what is the world composed?

A. Of bricks and mortar, and Thames water.

Q. Into how many parts is the world usually divided?

A. Into four great parts, viz.London, Westminster, Marylebone, and Finsbury; to which may be added the Borough, which is over the water. Or it may be said that Fashion has divided the world into two distinct parts, viz.the East-end and the West-end, and a great number of suburbs.

Q. How are the bricks and mortar subdivided?

A. Into continents, islands, peninsulas, and isthmuses.

Q. What is a continent?

A. Any district containing a number of separate residences and distinct tenements, as St. Jamess, St. Giless.

Q. What is an island?

A. An island is anything surrounded by the Thames, as The Eel-Pie Island, and The Convict Hulk at Deptford.

Q. What is a peninsula?

A. Anything that runs into the Thames, as The Suspension Pier at Chelsea, and Jack-in-the-Water at the Tower-stairs.

Q. What is an isthmus?

A. A narrow place that joins two continents together, as Temple bar, which joins Westminster to the City.

Q. How is the Thames water divided?

A. Morally speaking, it is divided into river water, pipe water, and gin-and-water.

Q. Where is river water found?

A. Anywhere between Vauxhall and London Bridges. It is inhabited principally by flounders and bargemen.

Q. What is pipe water?

A. An intermitting stream, having its source at some distant basin. It usually runs into a cistern, until the water-rates get into arrear, when the supply ceases through the intervention of a turncock.

Q. Where is gin-and-water to be found?

A. All over the world; but especially in the vicinity of a cab-stand.

Q. In what other manner is the Thames water divided?

A. Physically speaking, into oceans, seas, gulfs, bays, straits, lakes and rivers.

Q. What is an ocean?

A. Any great body of water whose limits it is impossible to describe, as The Floating Bath at Southwark-bridge, and The Real Tank at the Adelphi Theatre.

Q. What is a sea?

A. Any small collection of water, as at Chelsea, Battersea.

Q. What is a gulf?

A. A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by lawyers, as Lincolns Inn,The Court of Chancery.

Q. What is a haven?

A. A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security, as The Queens Bench,The Fleet, the sight of which is

Three men in a boat look at a man who is working strenuously in another boat. ENOUGH TO TURN ONES HEAD.

Q. What is a strait?

A. A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as Wakleys Straits, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.

Q. What is a lake?

A. A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self, as Peels Politics.

Q. What is a river?

A. A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party. The People are the source of the streamthe Ministry is the mouth. When the mouth is very wide, it is called a Tory mouth. The right or left banks of a Tax stream are the Treasury or Opposition benches, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his back to the source.

Q. How are tax streams divided?

A. Into salaries and pensions.

Q. What is a conflux?

A. Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The Dukes breeches-pocket.

Q. Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?

A. Yes. Radicalism is that part of a stream nearest to its source; Toryism that part nearest to its mouth.

SPARKS FROM THE FIRE. ALL IS NOT LOST. Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the wooden gun named Policy, which was destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable. He has himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the Policy had been successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well provided with real artillery; and being now the greatest wooden gun in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.

[pg 215] DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY. BY THE AUTHOR OF LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE. Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write! The state of destitution to which the civic authorities are reduced is appalling. Will our readers believe itthere were only five hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five hundred pints, or five thousand basins, amongst not quite fifteen hundred guests,only two basins and a half a man,for the first course! But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense interest by the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law unions, but more especially by the literary community.

GENERAL BILL OF FARE.250 tureens of real turtle, containing five pints each; 200 bottles of sherbet; 6 dishes of fish; 30 entrées; 4 boiled turkeys and oysters; 60 roast pullets; 60 dishes of fowls; 46 ditto of capons; 50 French pies; 60 pigeon pies; 53 hams (ornamented); 43 tongues; 2 quarters of house lamb; 2 barons of beef; 3 rounds of beef; 2 stewed rumps of beef; 13 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef; 6 dishes of asparagus; 60 ditto of mashed and other potatoes; 44 ditto of shell- fish; 4 ditto of prawns; 140 jellies; 50 blancmanges; 40 dishes of tarts (creamed); 30 ditto of orange and other tourtes; 40 ditto of almond pastry; 20 Chantilly baskets; 60 dishes of mince pies; 56 salads; peas and asparagus. The Removes:30 roast turkeys; 6 leverets; 80 pheasants; 24 geese; 40 dishes of partridges; 15 dishes of wild fowl; 2 pea-fowls. Dessert:100 pineapples, from 2 lb. to 3 lb. each; 200 dishes of hot- house grapes; 250 ice creams; 50 dishes of apples; 100 ditto of pears; 60 ornamented Savoy cakes; 75 plates of walnuts; 80 ditto of dried fruit and preserves; 50 ditto of preserved ginger; 60 ditto of rout cakes and chips; 46 ditto of brandy cherries.

THE PRINCIPAL TABLE (at which the Right Hon. the Lord Mayor presides).10 tureens of turtle, 10 bottles of sherbet, 6 dishes of fish, 30 entrées, 1 boiled turkey and oysters, 2 roast pullets, 2 dishes of fowls, 2 ditto of capons, 2 French pies, 2 pigeon pies, 2 hams (ornamented), 2 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 stewed rump of beef, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of asparagus, 2 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 3 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 3 jellies, 3 blancmanges, 2 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 2 dishes of almond pastry, 4 Chantilly baskets, 2 dishes of mince pies, 4 salads. Removes:3 roast turkeys, 1 leveret, 3 pheasants, 2 geese, 2 dishes of partridges, 1 dish of wild fowl, 2 peafowls. Dessert:6 pine-apples, 12 dishes of grapes, 10 ice creams, 2 dishes of apples, 4 dishes of pears, 2 ornamented Savoy cakes, 3 plates of walnuts, 4 plates of dried fruit and preserves, 3 plates of preserved ginger, 3 plates of rout cakes and chips, 3 plates of brandy cherries.

THE FIVE UPPER TABLES.80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 3 boiled turkeys and oysters, 16 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 ditto of capons, 16 French pies, 16 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 quarter of house-lamb, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 12 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 9 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 16 Chantilly baskets, 20 dishes of mince pies, 17 salads. Removes: 23 roast turkeys, 5 leverets, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:32 pine-apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 15 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 18 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts, 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 15 ditto of preserved ginger, 18 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 14 ditto of brandy cherries.

THE FIVE SHORT TABLES NEXT THE UPPER TABLES.26 tureens of turtle, 22 bottles of sherbet, 3 roast pullets, 6 dishes of fowls, 5 dishes of capons, 5 French pies, 7 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 5 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 6 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 5 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 16 jellies, 5 blancmanges, 4 dishes of tarts (creamed), 3 dishes of orange and other tourtes, 4 dishes of almond pastry, 6 dishes of mince pies, 6 salads. Removes:10 roast turkeys, 10 pheasants, 3 geese, 4 dishes of partridges. Dessert:10 pine-apples, 20 dishes of grapes, 26 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 12 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 8 plates of walnuts, 8 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.

THE FOUR LONG TABLES IN THE BODY OF THE HALL.80 tureens of turtle, 60 bottles of sherbet, 17 roast pullets, 20 dishes of fowls, 15 dishes of capons, 16 French pies, 20 pigeon pies, 16 hams (ornamented), 13 tongues, 1 round of beef, 1 stewed rump of beef, 4 sirloins, rumps, and ribs of beef, 20 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 13 dishes of shell-fish, 40 jellies, 16 blancmanges, 13 dishes of tarts (creamed), 10 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 13 ditto of almond pastry, 20 ditto of mince pies, 17 salads. Removes:23 roast turkeys, 23 pheasants, 7 geese, 13 dishes of partridges, 5 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:32 pine- apples, 64 dishes of grapes, 80 ice creams, 16 dishes of apples, 30 ditto of pears, 20 ornamented Savoy cakes, 24 plates of walnuts. 26 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 16 ditto of preserved ginger, 20 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 15 ditto of brandy cherries.

THE SEVEN SIDE TABLES.24 tureens of turtle, 20 bottles of sherbet, 7 roast pullets, 5 dishes of fowls, 4 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 5 pigeon pies, 6 hams (ornamented), 4 tongues, 1 sirloin of beef, 5 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 4 ditto of shell-fish, 1 dish of prawns, 15 jellies, 4 blancmanges, 3 dishes of tarts (creamed), 2 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 3 ditto of almond pastry, 5 ditto of mince pies, 5 salads. Removes9 roast turkeys, 9 pheasants, 2 geese, 20 dishes of partridges. Dessert:8 pine-apples, 16 dishes of grapes, 24 ice creams, 5 dishes of apples, 16 ditto of pears, 6 ornamented Savoy cakes, 7 plates of walnuts, 7 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 5 ditto of preserved ginger, 6 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 4 ditto of brandy cherries.

THE THREE TABLES IN THE OLD COURT OF QUEENS BENCH.30 tureens of turtle, 28 bottles of sherbet, 10 roast pullets, 7 dishes of fowls. 6 ditto of capons, 5 French pies, 10 pigeon pies, 7 hams (ornamented), 6 tongues, 1 round of beef, 2 sirloins and ribs of beef, 7 dishes of mashed and other potatoes, 6 ditto of shell-fish, 21 jellies, 6 blancmanges, 5 dishes of tarts (creamed), 4 ditto of orange and other tourtes, 5 ditto of almond pastry, 7 ditto of mince pies, 7 salads. Removes:12 roast turkeys, 12 pheasants, 3 geese, 5 dishes of partridges, 4 ditto of wild fowl. Dessert:12 pine-apples, 24 dishes of grapes, 30 ice creams, 7 dishes of apples, 14 ditto of pears, 7 ornamented Savoy cakes, 9 plates of walnuts, 9 ditto of dried fruit and preserves, 6 ditto of preserved ginger, 7 ditto of rout cakes and chips, 5 ditto of brandy cherries.

WINES:Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and Sherry.

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN. A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY. Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,

And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,

And the sheen of the spectres that ownd his behest

Glimmerd bright as the gas at a new Lord Mayrs feast.

Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there

Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,

Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,

And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.

And onwards they gallopd in brotherly pairs;

Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;

And their leaders grim visage a darksome smile wore

As he gave the word Halt at the Mansion-house door.

The vision dismounted, and peering within,

Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,

His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,

While they hob-nobbd and toasted in Burgundy wash.

Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,

And breathed on each puffing red face as he passd;

And the eyes of the feasters waxd deadly and chill,

And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!

And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor

Each cheek changed to purpleso crimson before!

Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,

And extremities cold as a live fishs tail!

And there lay the Livryman, breathless and lorn,

With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;

And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,

And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!

And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail!

And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale!

For the Alderman glory has melted away,

As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.

HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO. In the list of guests at the Lord Mayors dinner we did not perceive the name of Harmer among those who met to despatch the viands. On inquiry we learn that since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his own Harmer-y, and has not egressed from Ingress Abbey, for fear of incendiaries. The ex-alderman having however always shown a decided predilection for Gravesend, it is not wonderful that during the wet season he should be

A man forces a horse through a pond. STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.

[pg 216] A CHAPTER ON POLITICS. WHEREIN PUNCH HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE MODUS OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL ABROAD.

At a period when every Englishman, from the Minister to the Quack Doctor (and extremes very often meet), is laying down his pseudo-political principles, PUNCH desires to expound his practical and scientific plan for increasing prosperity and preserving peace. Yes, at a moment like this, when the party difference twixt Tweedledum and Tweedledee has produced a total stand-still; when Whigs cannot move, and when Tories will not,PUNCH steps forward to prescribe (without a fee) for the sinking Constitution.

PUNCH loquitur.A very great geniusone almost equal to myselfhas declared that of the great mass of mankind, ninety-nine out of every hundred are lost in error. Every day proves the fact.From the Peer, who mistakes exclusiveness for dignity, and a power to injure for a right to oppress, to the Peasant, who confounds aggression and insolence with justice and independence, it is all error! error!! error!!!

Upon this fact rests the basis of my wonderful improvements. If the majority be wrong, the inference is obviousthe minority must be right. Then, in future, let everything be conducted by the minoritythe sensible few. Behold the consequences!

In those days we shall have Mr. Samuel Carter Hall, who polled three days and gotone vote, declared County Member elect. Sibthorp shall be a man of weight and influence, giving to (h)airy nothing a local habitation and a name. Roebuck shall be believed to have had ancestors; and shall wring the nose of some small boy attached to The Times newspaper; and the Whigsyes, the Whigsshall be declared both wise and honest: though Parliament has pronounced them fools, and the country has believed them to be knaves.

Pupil of Punch, respondet.That would be a change, Punch! Rather. Cast your eye around and see the workings of this grand principle; the labours of the many compassed by the fewsteam and slavery.

Punch.Very true! Let me now draw your attention to the real difference between the English and some foreign governments:

The Turkish minister generally loses his power and his head at the same time; the English minister carries on his business without a head at all. For the performance of his duty the former is decapitatedthe latter is incapacitated.

The Japanese legislator when disgraced invariably rips up his bowels; the English legislator is invariably in disgrace, but has no bowels to rip up. With some other nations the unsuccessful leader gets bow- stringed and comfortably sown up in a sack; our great man is satisfied with getting the sack, having previously bagged as much as lay in his power.

(Next week I may probably continue the lecture and the parallels.)

THE PRINCES EXTRA. At Grays Inn the loyalty of that society was manifested in a very gratifying manner: the treasurer and benchers having ordered extra wine to be served to the barristers and students, the health of her Majesty and the infant Prince was drunk with enthusiastic rapture.

Long live the Prince! For many a year

To wet each students throttle;

He well deserves an extra cheer,

Who brings an extra bottle.

PUNCHS THEATRE. THE WRONG MAN. The author of this farce hath placed himself in the first section of the second chapter of that treatise on Dramatic Casualties which hath helped to make Punch the oracle of wit and of wisdom he has become to the entire intelligence of the land, from the aristocracy upwards22. Punch, No. 11 page 131.. In this instance he is truly one who writeth a farce or comedy and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the same. But this we hope will prove a solitary instance of such neglect; for when he next inditeth, may he show that he is not the Wrong Man to write a good piece; although alas, he appeared on Saturday last to be exactly the right man for penning a bad one.

When a playwright produces a plot whose incidents are just within the possibilities, and far beyond the probabilities, of this life, it is said to be ingenious, because of the crowd of circumstances that are huddled into each scene. According to this acceptation, the Wrong Man would be a highly ingenious farce; if that may be called a farce from which the remotest semblance of facetiæ is scrupulously excluded. Proceed we, therefore, to an analysis of the fable with becoming gravity.

At the outset we are introduced to a maiden lady in (horresco referens!) her private apartment; but to save scandal, the introduction is not made without companythere is also her maid. Patty Smart, although not a new servant, has chosen that precise moment to inform her mistress concerning the exact situation of her private circumstances, and the precise state of her heart. She is in love: it is for Simon Tack that the flame is kept alive; he, a dapper upholder, upholds her affections. At this point, a triangular note is produced, which plainly foretells a dishonourable rival. You are not deceived; it proposes an assignation in that elysium of bachelors and precipice of destruction for young ladies, the Albany. Wonderful to relate, it is from Miss Thomasina Fringes nephew, Sir Bryan Beausex. The maiden dame is inconceivably shocked; and to show her detestation of this indelicate proposal, agrees to personate Patty and keep the appointment herself, for the pleasure of inflicting on her nephew a heap of mortification and a moral lecture. Mr. Tack is the next appearance: being an upholsterer, of course he has the run of the house, so it is not at all odd to find him in a maiden ladys boudoir; the more especially as he enters from behind his natural elementthe window curtains.

It is astonishing with what pertinacity the characters in most farces will bore one with their private affairs when they first appear! In this respect Sir Bryan Beausex, in the next scene, is quite as bad as Patty was in the former one. He seems to have invited four unoffending victims to dine at his chambers in the Albany, on purpose to inform them that in his youth he was betrothed to a girl whom he has never since seen; but what that has to do with telling his guests to be off, because he expects a charming little ladys-maid at six, his companions are doubtless puzzled to understand. One of them, however, is Beechwooda very considerably diluted edition of Jerry Bumps in Turning the Tableswho determines to revenge this early turn-out by a trick upon the inhospitable host, and goes off to develop itto commence, in fact, the farce.

Sir Bryan Beausex is waiting with impatience the arrival of Patty, when his servant enters with a letter, which he says has been just delivered by a servant, who galloped up to the door on a horsean extraordinary clever hack, we should say; for, to perform this feat, he must have broken through a porters lodge, galloped over a smooth pavement, and under a roof so low, that Lord Burghersh can only traverse it with his hat off. We should like to see a horse-race in the Albany avenue! The letter thus so cavalierly brought, contains news of an accident that has happened to Miss Fringe, and summons Beausexs immediate presence. Off he goes, and on comes Beechwood with a Ha! ha! ha!, fairly hoaxed, and all that; which is usually laughed and said by hoaxers of hoaxees.

It has happened that Mr. Tack, the upholsterer, having had a peep at the contents of the cocked-hat billet, addressed to Mistress Smart, conceives a violent fit of jealousy, and having also Beausexs custom, has the range of his house as well as that of Miss Fringe. So by this time we naturally find him behind Sir Bryans window-curtains, to witness the interview between him and the future Mrs. Tack; that is to say, if she prove not false.

Things approach to a crisis. Miss Fringe enters, but brings with her Alice, the young lady whose infant heart was betrothed to Beausex. She, taking the place of Patty Smart, goes through a dialogue with Beechwood instead of Beausex; and we now learn that the former christens the farce, he being the Wrong Man. Somewhere near this point of the story the first act ends.

The second act is occupied in clearing up the mistakes which the audience know all about already; but those among them who had, up to about the middle of it, been waiting with exemplary patience for the jokes, began to get tired of having nothing to laugh at, and hissed. Despite these noisy drawbacks, however, we were able to find out that Beausex loses his cousin Alice and her fortune (a regular farce fortunesome five or six hundred thousand pounds or so); for she falls in love with Beechwood, and vice versa. Tack and Patty Smart are rendered happy; but what really becomes of Beausex and his aunt the sibilants forbad our knowing. We suppose, by Mr. Bartleys pantomime, that Sir Bryan puts up with his hoax and his lady-loss with a good grace; for he flourished about his never-absent pocket-handkerchief with one hand, shook hands with Miss Fringe with the other, stepped forward, did some more dumb show to the dissentients, and, with the rest of the actors, bowed down the curtain.

We perceive by the Times that the author of the Wrong Man is not so very culpable after all. He is guiltless of the plot; that being taken from a French piece called Le Tapissier.

THE MASONS AND THE STONE JUG. Mr. Wakley feelingly remarked at the late meeting of the union masons that the man who would lock up a pump was unfit to hold any situation of trust. On the strength of this opinion the Earl of Waklegrave and Captain Duff intend to proceed against the Marshal of the Queens Bench for having locked them up for these last six months.

THE FORCE OF FANCY COULD NO FURTHER GO. The Times gives an extract from the Norwich Aurora, an American paper, descriptive of a newly discovered cavern. The writer, with a power of imagination almost marvellous, remarks, The air in the cavern had a peculiar smell, resemblingNOTHING. We believe that is the identical flavour of Leg of Nothing and no turnips.

CONUNDRUM BY THE LORD MAYOR. Why does a drunken milkmaid resemble a celebrated French diplomatist?Because she is like to tally- wrong(Talleyrand.)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. NOVEMBER 20, 1841. [pg 217] MYSELF, PUNCH, AND THE KEELEYS. I dined with my old friend and schoolfellow, Jack Withers, one day last September. On the previous morning, on my way to the India House, I had run up against a stout individual on Cornhill, and on looking in his face as I stopped for a moment to apologise, an abrupt This is surely Jack Withers, burst from my lips, followed byGod bless me! Will Bayfield! from his. After a hurried question or two, we shook hands warmly and parted, with the understanding that I was to cut my mutton with him next day.

Seventeen years had elapsed since Withers and I had seen or heard of each other. Having a good mercantile connexion, he had pitched upon commerce as his calling, and entered a counting-house in Idollane in the same year that I, a raw young surgeon, embarked for India to seek my fortune in the medical service of the East India Company.

Things had gone well with honest Jack; from a long, thin, weazel of a youngster, he had become a burly ruddy-faced gentleman, with an aldermanic rotundity of paunch, which gave the world assurance that his ordinary fare by no means consisted of deaf nuts; he had already, as he told me, accumulated a very pretty independence, which was yearly increasing, and was, moreover, a snug bachelor, with a well-arranged residence in Finsbury-square; in short, it was evident that Jack was a fellow with two coats and everything handsome about him.

As for me, I was a verification of the adage about the rolling stone; having gathered a very small quantity of moss, in the shape of worldly goods. I had spent sixteen years in marching and countermarching over the thirsty plains of the Carnatic, in medical charge of a native regimentsalivating Sepoys and blowing out with blue pills the officersuntil the effects of a stiff jungle-fever, that nearly made me proprietor of a landed property measuring six feet by two, sent me back to England almost as poor as I had left it, and with an atrabilarious visage which took a two-months course of Cheltenham water to scour into anything like a decent colour.

Withers dinner was in the best taste: viands excellentwine superb; never did I sip racier Madeira, and the Champagne trickled down ones throat with the same facility that man is inclined to sin.

The cloth drawn, we fell to discoursing about old times, things, persons, and places. Jack then told me how from junior clerk he had risen to become second partner in the firm to which he belonged; and I, in my turn, enlightened his mind with respect to Asiatic Cholera, Runjeet Sing, Ghuzni, tiger-shooting, and Shah Soojah.

In this manner the evening slid pleasantly on. An array of six bottles, that before dinner had contained the juice of Oporto, stood empty on the sideboard. Jack wanted to draw another cork, which, however, I positively forbad, as I have through life made it a rule to avoid the slightest approach towards excess in tippling; so, after a modest brace of glasses of brandy-and-water, I shook hands with and left my friend about half-past nine, for I am an old-fashioned fellow, and love early hours, my usual time for turning in being ten.

When I got into the street an unaccustomed spirit of gaiety at once took possession of me; my general feelings of benevolence and goodwill towards all mankind appeared to have received a sudden and marvellous increase. I seemed to tread on eider-down, and, cigar in mouth, strolled along Fleet-street and the Strand, towards my domicile in Half-Moon streetnescio quid meditans nugarumsometimes humming the fag end of an Irish melody; anon stopping to stare in a print-shop window; and then I would trudge on, chewing the cud of sweet and bitter fancy as I conned over the various ups and downs that had chequered my life since Jack Withers and I were thoughtless lads together a long time ago.

In this mood I found myself standing before the New Strand Theatre, my attention having been arrested by the word PUNCH blazoned in large letters on a play-bill.

What can this mean? quoth I to myself. I know a publication called Punch very well, but I never heard of a performance so named. Ill go in and see it. Who knows but it may be an avatar11. The Avatar we do not allowthe illustrious periodical we do.ED. OF PUNCH. of the Editor of that illustrious periodical, who condescends to discard his dread incognito for the nonce, in order to exhibit himself, for one night only, to the eyes and understandings of admiring London.

In another minute I was seated in the boxes, and found a crowded audience in full enjoyment of the quiet waggery of Keeley, who was fooling them to the top of their bent, accoutred from top to toe as Mynheer Punch the Great, while his clever little wifewho, by the way, possesses, I think, more of the vis comica than any actress of the daycaused sides to shake and eyes to water by her naïve and humorous delineation of Mrs. Snozzle.

The curtain had hardly fallen more than a couple of minutes, when a door behind me opened hastily, and a box-keeper thrusting in his head, called outIs there a medical man here? I am one, said I, getting up; anything the matter? Come with me then, sir, if you please, said he; a severe accident has just happened to Mrs. Keeley; a falling scene has struck her head, sir, and hurt her dreadfully.

Good heavens! said I, much shocked; I will come immediately.

I followed the man to the stage door, and was ushered into a dressing- room with several people in it, where, extended on a sofa, lay the unfortunate lady, whom I had but a few minutes before seen full of life and spirits, delighting hundreds with her unrivalled humour and espièglerie,there she lay, in the same fantastic dress she had worn on the stage, pale as deatha quantity of blood flowing from a fearful wound on her head, and uttering those low quick moans which are indicative of extreme suffering.

Poor little Keeley stood beside the couch, holding her hand; he was still in full fig as Polichinel; and the grotesqueness of his attire contrasted strangely with the anguish depicted on his countenance. As I came forward, he slowly made way for melooked in my face imploringly, as if to gather from its expression some gleam of hope, and then stood aside, in an attitude of profound dejection.

Having felt the sufferers pulse, I was about to turn her head gently, in order to examine the nature of the wound, when a hustling noise behind me causing me to turn round, to my infinite dismay, I perceived Mr. Keeley, having pushed the bystanders on one side, in the act of performing a kind of Punchean dance upon the floor, accompanying himself with the vigorous chuckling and crowing peculiar to the hero whose habiliments he wore. I was horror-strickenconceiving that grief had suddenly turned his brain.

All at once, he made a spring towards me, and, seizing my arm, thrust me into a corner of the room, where he held me fast, exclaiming

Wretch! villain! restore me my wifethat talented woman your infernal arts have destroyed! You did for her!

Mr. Keeley, said I, struggling to release myself from his graspmy dear sir, pray compose yourself.

Unhappy traitor! he shouted, giving me an unmerciful tweak by the nose; Look at her silver skin laced with her golden blood!see, see! Oh, see!

This was rather too much, even from a man whose wits were astray. I began to lose patience, and was preparing to rid myself somewhat roughly of the madmans grasp, when a new phenomenon occurred.

The patient on the sofa, whom I had judged well nigh moribund, and consequently incapable of any effort whatever, all at once sat up with a sudden jerk, and gave vent to a series of the most ear-piercing shrieks that ever assailed human tympanum.

Oh! oh! Mon Dieu! je suis étouffée! levez-vous donc, monsieurnavez- vous pas honte!

I started upO misery!I had fallen asleep, and my head, resting against a pillar, had slipped down, depositing itself upon the expansive bosom of a portly French dame in the next box, who seemed, by her vehement exclamations, to be quite shaken from the balance of her propriety by the unlooked-for burthen I had imposed upon her; whilst a petit monsieur poured forth a string of sacres and sapristies upon my devoted head with a volubility of utterance truly astonishing.

I gazed about me with troubled and lack-lustre eye. Every lorgnette in the boxes was levelled at my miserable countenance; a sea of upturned and derisive faces grinned at me from the pit, and the gods in Olympus thundered from on highTurn him out; hes drunk!

This was the unkindest cut of allthus publicly to be accused of intoxication, a vice of all others I have ever detested and eschewed.

I cast one indignant glance around me, and left the theatre, lamenting the depravity of our nature, which is, alas! always ready to put the worst construction upon actions in themselves most innocent; for if I had gone to sleep in my own arm-chair, pray who would have accused me of inebriety?

How I got home I know not. As I hurried through the streets, a legion of voices, in every variety of intonation, yelled in my earsTurn him outhes drunk! and when I woke in the middle of the night, tormented by a raging thirst (produced, I suppose, by the flurry of spirits I had undergone), I seemed to hear screams, groans, and hisses, above all which predominated loud and clear the malignant denunciationTurn him outhes drunk!

Upon my subsequently mentioning the above adventure to Jack Withers, it will hardly be credited that this villain without shame at once roundly asserted that, when I left him on the afore-mentioned night, I was at least three sheets and three quarters in the wind; adding with praiseworthy candour, that he himself was so far gone as to be obliged, to the infinite scandal of his staid old housekeeper, to creep up stairs à quatre pieds, in order to gain his bedroom.

Now this latter may be true enough, for it is probable that friend Jack [pg 218]freshened his nip a trifle after my departure, seeing that he was always something of a drunken knave. As for his calumnious and scandalous declaration, that I was in the least degree tipsy, it is too ridiculous to be noticed. I scorn it with my heelsI was sobersober, cool, and steady as the north star; and he that is inclined to question this solemn asseveration, let him send me his card; and if I dont drill a hole in his doublet before hes forty-eight hours older, then, as honest Slender has it, I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else.

ARE YE SURE THE NEWS IS TRUE? We learn from good authority that Lord TAMBOFF STANLEY, in answer to a deputation from Scotland, assured the gentlemen who waited upon him that the subject of emigration was under the serious consideration of Her Majestys Ministers. We hope that those respectable gentlemen may soon resolve upon their departurewe care not what clime they wander to, so not again to this; or, as Shakspeare says, let them stand not upon the order of their going, but GO. The country, we take it upon ourselves to say, will remember them when they are gone; they have left the nation too many weighty proofs of their regard to be forgotten in a hurryCorruption, Starvation, and Taxation, and the National Debt by way of

A dancer shows her shapely calves. A HANDSOME LEGI SEE (LEGACY).

A DOSE OF CASTOR. Peter Borthwick, late of the Royal Surrey Nautical, having had the honour of deep damnation conferred upon his taking off the character of Prince Henry, upon that occasion, to appear in unison with the text of the Immortal Bard, dressed the part in a most elaborate neck-or-nothing tile. Upon being expostulated with by the manager, he triumphantly referred to the description of the chivalrous Prince in which the narrator particularly states

A little fellow wears a big hat. I SAW YOUNG HARRY WITH HIS BEAVER ON.

CUTTING AT THE ROOT OF THE EVIL. Good heavens, Sir Peter, said Hobler, confidentially, to our dearly beloved Alderman, How could you have passed such a ridiculous sentence upon Jones, as to direct his hair to be cut off? All right, my dear Hobby, replied the sapient justice; the fellow was found fighting in the streets, and I wanted to hinder him, at least for some time, from again

Two cats fight. COMING TO THE SCRATCH.

TO PUNCH. We have received the following choice bit of poetic pathology from our old friend and jolly dog Toby, who, it seems, has taken to medicine. The dog, however, always had a great propensity to bark, owing doubtlessly to the strong tincture of canine there was in his constitution:

MY DEAR PUNCH,

Nothing convinces me more of my treacherous memory than my not recollecting you at the memorable New-boot Supper; for I certainly must have been as long in that society as yourself. Be that as it may, you have induced me to scrape together a few reminiscences in an imperfect way, leaving to you, from your better recollection, to correct and flavour the specimen to the palate of your readers, who have, most deservedly, every reliance upon your good taste and moral tendency. I have in vain tried to meet with the music of the good old days of Adam and Eve, consequently have lost the enjoyment of the chorusSing hey, sing ho! It would be too much to ask you to sing it, but perhaps you may too-te-too it in your next. May your good intentions to the would-be Æsculapius be attended with success.I remain, dear Punch, your old friend,

TOBY.

ASCITES. Abdomen swelld, which fluctuates when struck upon the side, sirs;

Face pale and puffd, and worse than that, with thirst and cough beside, sirs;

Skin dry, and breathing difficult, and pains in epigastrium,

And watchfulness or partial sleep, with dreams would strike the bravest dumb.

To curerestore the balance of exhalants and absorbents,

With squill, blue-pill, and other means to soothe the patients torments.

GRINDER. Sure this is not your climax, sir, to save from Davys locker!

STUDENT. Way, no,Id then with caution tapwhen first Id tied the knocker.

Sing hey! sing ho! if you cannot find a new plan,

In Puseyistic days like these, youd better try a New-man.

TYMPANITIS. The swelling here is differentsonorous, tense, elastic;

On it you might a tattoo beat, with fingers or with a stick.

Theres costiveness and atrophy, with features Hippocratic;

When these appear, theres much to fear, all safety is erratic.

Although a cordial laxative, mixd up with some carminative,

Might be prescribed, with morphia, or hops, to keep the man alive;

Take care his diets nutritive, avoiding food thats flatulent,

And each week let him have a dose of Punch from Mr. Bryant sent.

Sing hey! sing ho! &c.

ALARMING PROSPECTS FOR THE COUNTRY. It appears that no less than one hundred and sixty-four Attorneys have given notice of their intention to practise in the Court of Queens Bench; and eleven of the fraternity have applied to be re-admitted Attorneys of the Court. We had no idea that such an alarming extension was about taking place in

Three men force another to turn out his pockets. THE RIFLE CORPS.

ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER. A poor man went to hang himself,

But treasure chanced to find;

He pocketed the misers pelf

And left the rope behind.

His money gone, the miser hung

Himself in sheer despair:

Thus each the others wants supplied,

And that was surely fair.

We understand that Mr. Webster has solicited Sir Peter Laurie to make an early début at the Haymarket Theatre in the Heir (hair) at Law.

Madame Vestris has also endeavoured to prevail upon the civic mercy. Andrew to appear in the afterpiece of the Rape of the Lock.

[pg 219] THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE. CHAPTER X. WHEREIN THE READER WILL FIND GREAT CAUSE FOR REJOICING. A letter C with flowers trailing from it and an heron in its bowl. onducive as Uncle Peters suggestion might have been to the restoration of peace in the family of our hero, it was decided to be impracticable by several medical gentlemen, who were consulted upon the matter. After sundry scenes of maternal and grandmaternal distress, Agamemnon succeeded in obtaining the victory, and the heir was vaccinated accordingly with the most favourable result. The pustule rose, budded, blossomed, and disappeared, exactly as it ought to have done, and a few days saw the health of the infant Applebite insured in the office of Dr. Jenner.

Scarcely had the anxious parents been relieved by this auspicious termination, when that painful disorder which renders pork unwholesome and children fractious, made its appearance. Had we the plague-pen of the romancist of Rookwood, we would revel in the detail of this domesticated pestilencewe would picture the little sufferer in the hour of its agonyand be as minute as Mr. Hume in our calculations of its feverish pulsations; but our quill was moulted by the dove, not plucked from the wing of the carrion raven.

And now, gentle reader, we come to a point of this history which we are assured has been anxiously looked forward to by youa point at which the reader, already breathless with expectation, has fondly anticipated being suffocated with excitement. We may, without vanity, lay claim to originality, for we have introduced a new hero into the world of fictiona baby three months oldwe have traced his happy parents from the ball-room to St. Georges church; from St. Georges church to the ball-room; thence to the doctors; and from thence to

THE END. Reproach us not, mamas?Discard us not, ye blushing divinities who have, with your sexs softness, dandled the heir of Applebite in your imaginations!Wait!Wait till we have explained! We have a motive; but as we are novices in this style of literature, we will avail ourselves, at our leave-taking, of the valedictory address of one who is more up to the swindle.

To the Readers of the Heir of Applebite.

DEAR FRIENDS,Having finished the infanto-biography upon which we have been engaged, it is our design to cut off our heir, and bring our tale to a close. You may want to know whyor if you dont, we will tell you.

We should not regard the anxiety, the close confinement, or the constant attention inseparable from a nursery, did we feel that the result was agreeable to you. But we have not done so. We have been strongly tempted to think, that after waiting from week to week, you have never arrived at anything interesting. We could not bear this jerking of our conscience, which was no sooner ended than begun again.

Most passages in a tale of any length depend materially for the interest on the intimate relation they bear to what has gone before, or what is to follow. We sometimes found it difficult to accomplish this.

Considerations of immediate profit ought, in such cases, to be of secondary importance; but, for the reasons we have just mentioned, we have (after some pains to resist the temptation) determined to abandon this scheme of publication.

Taking advantage of the respite which the close of this work will afford us, we have decided in January next to rent a second floor at Kentish Town.

The pleasure we anticipate from the realisation of a wish we have long entertained and long hoped to gratify, is subdued by the reflection that we shall find it somewhat difficult to emancipate our moveables from the thraldom of Mrs. Gibbons, our respected but over-particular landlady.

To console the numerous readers of PUNCH, we have it in command to announce, that on Saturday, Nov. 27th, the first chapter of a series under the title of the Puff Papers, appropriately illustrated, will be commenced, with a desire to supply the hiatus in periodical fiction, occasioned by the temporary seclusion of one of the most popular novelists of the day.

Dear friends, farewell! Should we again desire to resume the pen, we trust at your hands we shall not have to encounter a

A child tries to force his way through a fence. DISPUTED RETURN.

THE LAMBETH DEMOSTHENES. We are happy to find that Dr. Tully Cicero Burke Sheridan Grattan Charles Phillips Hobler Bedford has not been deterred by the late unsatisfactory termination to the public meeting called by him to address the Queen, from prosecuting his patriotic views for his own personal advantage. Dr. &c. Bedford has kindly furnished us with the report of a meeting called by himself, which consisted of himself, for the purpose of considering the propriety of petitioning the Throne to appoint himself to be medical-adviser-in-general to her Majesty, and vaccinator-in-particular to his little Highness the Prince of Wales.

At 10 oclock precisely Dr. &c. Bedford entered the little back parlour of his surgery, and advancing to the looking-glass over the mantel- piece, made a polite bow to the reflection of himself. After a few complimentary gestures had passed between them, Dr &c. Bedford hemmed twice, and in a very elegant speech proposed that Doctor &c. Bedford shoold take the cheer.

Dr. &c. Bedford rose to second the proposition. Dr. &c. Bedford said, Dr. &c. Bedford is a gentleman what I have had the honour of knowing on for many long ears. His medikel requirement are sich as ris a Narvey and a Nunter to the summut of the temples of Fame. His political requisitions are summarily extinguished. It is, therefore, with no common pride that I second this abomination.

Dr. &c. Bedford then bowed to his reflection in the glass, and proceeded to take his seat in his easy chair, thumping the table with one hand, and placing the other gracefully upon his breast, as though in token of gratitude for the honour conferred upon him.

Order being restored, Dr. &c. Bedford rose and said,

I never kotched myself in sich a sitchuation in my lifeI mean not that I hasnt taken a cheer afore, perhaps carried onebut it never has been my proud extinction to preside over such a meetingso numerous in its numbers and suspectable in its appearance. My friend, Dr. &c. Bedford, (Hear, hear! from. Dr. &c. Bedford,) his the hornament of natur in this 19th cemetary. His prodigious outlays

Voice without.Here they are, only a penny!

Dr. &c. Bedford.Order, order! Hishisyou know what I mean that shoold distinguish the fisishun and the orator. I may say the Solus of orators,renders him the most fittest and the most properest person to take care of the Royal health, and the Royal Infant Babby of these regions, (Hear, hear! from Dr. &c. Bedford.)

The Doctor then proceeded to embody the foregoing observations into a resolution, which was proposed by Dr. &c. Bedford, and seconded by Dr. &c. Bedford, who having held up both his hands, declared it to be carried nem. con.

Dr. &c. Bedford then proposed a vote of thanks to Dr, &c. Bedford for his conduct in the chair. The meeting then dispersed, after Dr. &c. Bedford had returned thanks, and bowed to his own reflection in the looking-glass.

[pg 220] A LEGEND OF THE TOWER (NOT LONDON). In the immediate vicinity of the pretty little town of Kells stands one of those peculiar high round towers, the origin of which has so long puzzled the brains of antiquaries. It is invariably pointed out to the curious, as a fit subject for their contemplation, and may, in fact, be looked upon as the great local lion of the place. It appears almost inaccessible. But there is a story extant, and told in very choice Irish, how two small dare- devil urchins did succeed in reaching its lofty summit; and this is the way the legend was done into English by one Barney Riley, the narrator, to whom I am indebted for its knowledge:

You see Masther Robert, sir,though its murduring high, and almost entirely quite aqual in stapeness to the ould ancient Tower of Babel, yet, sir, there is them living now as have been at the top of that same; be the same token I knew both o the spalpeens myself. Its grown up they are now; but whin they wint daws-nesting to the top there, the little blackguards werent above knee-high, if so much.

But how did they arrive at the summit?

Thats the wonder of it! but sure nobody knows but themselves; but the scamps managed somehow or other to insart themselves in through one of them small loopholeswhin little Danny Carroll gave Tom Sheeney a leg up and a back, and Tom Sheeney hauled little Danny up after him by the scruff o the neck; and so they wint squeedging and scrummaging on till, by dad, they was up at the tip-top in something less than no time; and the trouble was all they had a chance o gettin for their pains; for, by the hokey, the daws nest they had been bruising their shins, breaking their necks, and tearing their frieze breeches to tatters to reach, was on the outside o the building, and about as hard to get at as truth, or marcy from a thafe of a tythe proctor.

Hubbabboo, says little Danny; we are on the wrong side now, as Pat Murphys carroty wig was whin it came through his hat; what will we do, at all, at all?

Divil a know I know. It would make a parson swear after takin tythe. Do you hear the vagabones? Oh, then musha, bad luck to your cawings; its impedence, and nothing but it, to be shouting out in defiance of us, you dirty bastes. Danny, lad, youre but a little thrifle of a gossoon; couldnt you squeedge yourself through one o them holes?

What will I standor, for the matter o that, as Im by no manes particular,sit upon, whin I git outthat is, if I can?

Look here, lad, hear a dacent wordit will be just the dandy thing for yes entirely; go to it with a will, and make yourself as small as a little cock elven, and thin well have our revenge upon them aggravation thaves. How the puck he done it nobody knows; but by dad there was his little, ragged, red poll, followed by the whole of his small body, seen coming out o that trap-loop there, that doesnt look much bigger than a button-holeand thin sitting astride the ould bit of rotten timbers, and laffing like mad, was the tiny Masther Danny, robbing the nests, and shouting with joy as he pulled bird after bird from their nate little feather-beds. This is elegant, says he; heres lashins of em.

How many have you, says Tom Sheeney.

Seven big unsfull fledged, wid feathers as black as the priests breeches on a Good Fridays fast.

Seven is it?

It is.

Well, then, hand them in.

By no manes.

Why not?

Seein theyre as well wid me as you.

Give me my half thenthats your

Aisy wid you; whos had the trouble and the chance of breaking his good-looking neck but me, Mr. Tim Sheeney.

Devil a care I care; Ill have four, or Ill know why.

That youll soon do: I wont give em you.

Aint I holding the wood?

By coorse you are; but aint I sitting outside upon it, and by the same token unseating my best breeches.

I bid you take care; give me four.

Ha, ha! what a buck your granny was, Mistet Tim Sheeney; its three youll have, or none.

Then by the puck Ill let you go.

I defy you to do it, you murdering robber.

Do you! by dad; once more, give me four.

To blazes wid you; three or none.

Then there you go!

And, worse luck, sure enough he did, and that at the devils own pace.

At this moment I turned my eyes in horror to the Tower, and the height was awful.

Poor child,of course he was killed upon the spot?