Chapter IV: Front Matter (4)

Tops, you must be made to measure. Wellingtons, Hessians, Bluchers, Ankle-Jacks, and Highlows, can be chosen from, fitted, and tried on; but you must be measured for, lasted, back-strapped, topd, wrinkled and bottomed, according to order.

So it is with your proprietorsthe little men who ride the great running horses. Theres an impenetrable mystery about those little menthey are, we know that, but we know not how. Bill Scott is in the secretChifney is well aware of itJohn Day could enlighten the worldbut they wont! They know the value of being light characterstheir fame is as a feather, and downey are they, even as the illustration of that fame. They conspire together like so many little Frankensteins. The world is treated with a very small proportion of very small jockeys; they never increase beyond a certain number, which proves they are not born in the regular way: as the old ones drop off, the young ones just fill their places, and not one to spare. Whoever heard of a mob of jockeys, a glut of light-weights, or even a handful of feathers?no one!

Its like Freemasonryits an awful mystery! Bill Scott knows all about the one, and the Duke of Sussex knows all about the other, but the uninitiated know nothing of either! Jockeys are wondersso are their boots! Crickets have as much calf, grasshoppers as much ostensible thigh; and yet these superhuman specimens of manufactured leather fit like a glove, and never pull the little gentlemens legs off. Thats the extraordinary part of it; they never even so much as dislocate a joint! Jockey bootmakers are wonderful men! Jockeys aint men at all!

Look, look, look! Oh, dear! do you see that little fellow, with his merry-thought-like looking legs, clinging round that gallant bright chesnut, thorobred, and sticking to his ribs as if he meant to crimp him for the dinner of some gourmand curious in horse-flesh! There he is, screwing his sharp knees into the saddle, sitting well up from his loins, stretching his neck, curving his back, stiffening the wire-like muscles of his small arms, [pg 17]and holding in the noble brute he strides, as a saftey-valve controls the foaming steam; only loosing him at his very pleasure.

Look, look! theres the grey filly, with the other made-to-measure feather on her back; do you notice how she has crawled up to the chesnut? Mark, mark! his arms appear to be India-rubber! Mercy on us, how they stretch! and the bridle, which looked just now like a solid bar of wrought iron, begins to curve! See how gently he leans over the fillys neck; while the chesnuts rider turns his eyes, like a boiled lobster, almost to the back of his head! Oh, hes awake! he still keeps the lead: but the grey filly is nothing but a good un. Now, the Top- boots riding her have become excited, and commence tickling her sides with their flashing silver spurs, putting an extra foot into every bound. She gains upon the chesnut! This is something like a race! The distance-post is reached! The Top-boots on the grey are at work again. Bravo! the tip of the white nose is beyond the level of the opposing boots! Ten strides, and no change! She must win! No, she cant! Grey for ever! Chesnut for a hundred! Done! done!Magnificent!neck and neck!splendid!any bodys race! Bravo grey!bravo chesnut!bravo both! Ten yards will settle it. The chesnut rider throws up his armsa slight dash of blood soils the Day and Martinan earth-disdaining bound lands chesnut a winner of three thousand guineas! and all the world are in raptures with the judgment displayed in the last kick of the little mans TOP BOOTS.

FUSBOS.

HINTS ON MELO-DRAMATIC MUSIC. It has often struck us forcibly that the science of melo-dramatic music has been hitherto very imperfectly understood amongst us. The art of making the sound an echo of the senseof expressing, by orchestral effects, the business of the drama, and of forming a chromatic commentary to the emotions of the soul and the motions of the body, has been shamefully neglected on the English stage. Ignorant composers and ignoble fiddlers have attempted to develop the dark mysteries and intricate horrors of the melo-drama; but unable to cope with the grandeur of their subject, they have been betrayed into the grossest absurdities. What, for instance, could be more preposterous than to assign the same music for storming a fort, and stabbing a virtuous father! Equally ridiculous would it be to express the breaking of the sun through a fog, and a breach of promise of marriage; or the rising of a ghost, and the entrance of a ladys maid, in the same keys.

The adaptation of the different instruments in the orchestra to the circumstance of the drama, is also a matter of extreme importance. How often has the effect of a highly-interesting suicide been destroyed by an injudicious use of the trombone; and a scene of domestic distress been rendered ludicrous by the intervention of the double-drum!

If our musical composers would attend more closely than they have been in the habit of doing, to the minutiæ of the scene which is intrusted to them to illustrate, and study the delicate lights and shades of human nature, as we behold it nightly on the Surrey stage, we might confidently hope, at no very distant period, to see melo-drama take the lofty position it deserves in the histrionic literature of this country. We feel that there is a wide field here laid open for the exercise of British talent, and have therefore, made a few desultory mems. on the subject, which we subjoin; intended as modest hints for the guidance of composers of melodramatic music. The situations we have selected from the most popular Melos. of the day; the music to be employed in each instance, we have endeavoured to describe in such a manner as to render it intelligible to all our readers.

Music for the entrance of a brigand in the dark, should be slow and mysterious, with an effective double bass in it.

Ditto, for taking winean allegro, movement, with da capo for the second glass.

Ditto, for taking porter, beer, or any other inferior swipesa similar movement, but not con spirito.

Ditto, for the entrance of an attorneya coda in one sharp, 6-8 time. If accompanied by a client, an accidental flat may be introduced.

Ditto, for discovering a lost babbya simply affettuoso strain, in a minor key.

Ditto, for recognising a disguised counta flourish of trumpets, and three bars rest, to allow time for the countess to faint in his arms.

Ditto, for concealing a lover in a closet, and the sudden appearance of the father, guardian, or husband, as the case may bea prestissimo movement, with an agitated cadenza.

Ditto, for taking an oath or affidavitslow, solemn music, with a marked emphasis when the deponent kisses the book.

Ditto, for a lovers vowa tender, broken adagio.

Ditto, for kicking a low comedy mana brisk rapid stoccato passage, with a running accompaniment on the kettle-drums.

The examples we have given above will sufficiently explain our views; but there are a vast number of dramatic situations that we have not noticed, which might be expressed by harmonious sounds, such as music for the appearance of a dun or a devilmusic for paying a tailormusic for serving a writmusic for an affectionate embracemusic for ditto, very warmmusic for faintingmusic for coming-tomusic for the death of a villain, with a confession of bigamy; and many others too numerous to mention; but we trust from what we have said, that the subject will not be lost sight of by those interested in the elevation of our national drama.

THE RISING SUN. The residence of Sir Robert Peel has been so besieged of late by place-hunters, that it has been aptly termed the New Post Office.

THE PUNCH CORRESPONDENCE. In presenting the following epistle to my readers, it may be necessary to apprise them, that it is the genuine production of my eldest daughter, Julia, who has lately obtained the situation of ladys-maid in the house of Mr. Samuel Briggs, an independent wax and tallow-chandler, of Fenchurch-street, City, but who keeps his family away from business, in fashionable style, in Russell- square, Bloomsbury. The example of many of our most successful literary chiffonniers, who have not thought it disgraceful to publish scraps of private history and unedited scandal, picked up by them in the houses to which they happened to be admitted, will, it is presumed, sufficiently justify my daughter in communicating, for the amusement of an enlightened public, and the benefit of an affectionate parent, a few circumstances connected with Briggs family, with such observations and reflections of her own as would naturally suggest themselves to a refined and intelligent mind. Should this first essay of a timid girl in the thorny path of literature be favourably received by my friends and patrons, it will stimulate her to fresh exertions; and, I fondly hope, may be the means of placing her name in the same rank by those of Lady Morgan, Madame Tussaud, Mrs. Glasse, the Invisible Lady, and other national ornaments of the feminine species.[PUNCH. Russl Squear, July 14.

Dear PA,I nose yew will he angxious to ear how I get on sins I left the wing of the best of feathers. I am appy to say I am hear in a very respeckble fammaly, ware they keeps too tawl footmen to my hand; one of them is cawld John, and the other Pea-taw,the latter is as vane as a P- cock of his leggs, wich is really beutyful, and puffickly streightthough the howskeaper ses he has bad angles; but some pipple loox at things with only 1 i, and sea butt there defex. Mr. Wheazey is the ass-matick butler and cotchman, who has lately lost his heir, and cant get no moar, wich is very diffycult after a serting age, even with the help of Rowlands Madagascar isle. Mrs. Tuffney, the howsekeaper, is a prowd and oystere sort of person. I rather suspex that shes jellows of me and Pea-taw, who as bean throwink ships is at me. She thinks to look down on me, but she cant, for I hold myself up; and though we brekfists and ts at the same board, I treat with a deal of hot-tar, and shoes her how much I dispeyses her supper-silly-ous conduck. Besides these indyvidules, theres another dome-stick, wich I wish to menshun particlarwich is the paige Theodore, that, as the poat says, as bean

contrived a double debt to pay,

A paige at nighta tigger all the day.

In the mornink hes a tigger, drest in a tite froc-cote, top-boots, buxkin smawl-closes, and stuck up behind Master Ahghustusses cab. In the heavening he gives up the tigger, and comes out as the paige, in a fansy jackit, with too rose of guilt buttings, wich makes him the perfeck immidge of Mr. Widdycomb, that ice sea in the serkul at Hashleys Amphitheatre. The paiges bisiness is to weight on the ladies, wich is naterally light work; and being such a small chap, you may suppose they can never make enuff of him. These are all the upper servants, of coarse, I shant lower myself by notusing the infearyour crechurs; such as the owsmade, coke, edcett rar, but shall purceed drackly to the other potion of the fammaly, beginning with the old guvnor (as Pee-taw cawls him), who as no idear of i life, and, like one of his own taller lites, has only dipped into good sosiety. Next comes Missus:in fact, I ot to have put her fust, for the grey mayor is the best boss in our staybill, (Exkews the wulgarisrm.) After Missus, I give persedince to Mr. Ahghustuss, who, bean the only sun in the house, is natrally looked up to by everybody in it. He as bean brot up a perfick genelman, at Oxfut, and is consekently fond of spending his knights in le trou de charbon, and afterwards of skewering the streetstwisting double knockers, pulling singlebelles, and indulging in other fashonable divertions, to wich the low-minded polease, and the settin madgistrets have strong objexions. His Pa allows him only sicks hundred a-year, wich isnt above 1/2 enuff to keep a cabb, a cupple of hosses, and other thinks, which its not necessary to elude to here. Isnt it ogious to curb so fine a spirit? I wish you see him, Pa; such is, and such a pear of beutyful black musquitoes on his lipenuff to turn the hidds of all the wimming he meats. The other membranes of this fammaly are the 3 dortersMiss Sofiar, Miss Selinar, and Miss Jorgina, wich are all young ladyes, full groan, and goes in public characters to the Kaledonian bawls, and is likewise angxious to get off hands as soon as a feverable opportunity hoffers. Its beleaved the old guvnor can give them ten thowsand lbs. a-peace, wich of coarse will have great weight with a husband. Theres some Qrious stoaries goingLaw! theres Missuses bell. I must run up- stairs, so must conclewd obroply, but hope to resoom my pen necks weak.

Believe me, my dear Pa, Your affeckshnt JULIA PUNCH.

CHARACTERISTIC CORRESPONDENCE. The following notes actually passed between two (now) celebrated comedians:

Dear J, Send me a shilling.

Yours, B,

P.S.On second thoughts, make it two.

To which his friend replied

Dear B, I have but one shilling in the world.

Yours, J,

P.S.On second thoughts, I want that for dinner.

A young artist in Picayune takes such perfect likenesses, that a lady married the portrait of her lover instead of the original.

[pg 18] PUNCH AND PEEL. Arcades ambo. READER.God bless us, Mr. PUNCH! who is that tall, fair-haired, somewhat parrot-faced gentleman, smiling like a schoolboy over a mess of treacle, and now kissing the tips of his five fingers as gingerly as if he were doomed to kiss a nettle?

PUNCH.That, Mr. Reader, is the great cotton-plant, Sir Robert Peel; and at this moment he has, in his own conceit, seized upon the white wonder of Victorias hand, and is kissing it with Saint Jamess devotion.

READER.What for, Mr. PUNCH?

PUNCH.What for! At court, Mr. Reader, you always kiss when you obtain an honour. Tis a very old fashion, sirold as the court of King David. Well do I recollect what a smack Uriah gave to his majesty when he was appointed to the post which made Bathsheba a widow. Poor Uriah! as we say of the stag, that was when his horns were in the velvet.

READER.You recollect it, Mr. PUNCH!you at the court of King David!

PUNCH.I, Mr. Reader, I!and at every court, from the court of Cain in Mesopotamia to the court of Victoria in this present, flinty-hearted London; only the truth is, as I have travelled I have changed my name. Bless you, half the Proverbs given to Solomon are mine. What I have lost by keeping company with kings, not even Joseph Hume can calculate.

READER.And are you really in court confidence at this moment?

PUNCH.Am I? What! Havnt you heard of the elections? Have you not heard the shouts Io Punch? Doesnt my nose glow like coralarnt my chops radiant as a rainbowhath not my hunch gone up at least two inchesam I not, from crown to toe-nails, brightened, sublimated? Like Alexanderhe was a particular friend of mine, that same Alexander, and therefore stole many of my best sayingsI only know that I am mortal by two sensationsa yearning for loaves and fishes, and a love for Judy.

READER.And you really take office under Peel?

PUNCH.Ha! ha! ha! A good joke! Peel takes office under me. Ha! ha! Im only thinking what sport I shall have with the bedchamber women. But out they must go. The constitution gives a minister the selection of his own petticoats; and therefore there shant be a yard of Welsh flannel about her Majesty that isnt of my choice.

READER.Do you really think that the royal bedchamber is in fact a third house of Parliamentthat the affairs of the state are always to be put in the feminine gender?

PUNCH.Most certainly: the ropes of the state rudder are nothing more than cap-ribbons; if the minister havnt hold of them, what can he do with the ship? As for the debates in parliament, they have no more to do with the real affairs of the country than the gossip of the apple-women in Palace-yard. Theyre made, like the maccaroni in Naples, for the poor to swallow; and so that they gulp down length, they think, poor fellows, they get strength. But for the real affairs of the country! Who shall tell what correspondence can be conveyed in a warming-pan, what intelligencefor

There may be wisdom in a papillote

may be wrapt up in the curl-papers of the Crown? What subtle, sinister advice may, by a crafty disposition of royal pins, be given on the royal pincushion? What minister shall answer for the sound repose of Royalty, if he be not permitted to make Royaltys bed? How shall he answer for the comely appearance of Royalty, if he do not, by his own delegated hands, lace Royaltys stays? I shudder to think of it; but, without the key of the bedchamber, could my friend Peel be made responsible for the health of the Princess? Instead of the very best and most scrupulously- aired diaper, might notby negligence or design, it matters not whichthe Princess Royal be rolled in an Act of Parliament, wet from Hansards press?

READER.Dreadful, soul perturbing suggestion! Go on, Mr. PUNCH.

PUNCH.Not but what I think itif their constitution will stand damp paperan admirable way of rearing young princesses. Queen Elizabethmy wife Judy was her wet nursewas reared after that fashion.

READER.David Hume says nothing of it.

PUNCH.David Hume was one of the wonders of the earthhe was a lazy Scotchman; but had he searched the State Paper Office, he would have found the documents thereyes, the very Acts of Parliamentthe very printed rollers. To those rollers Queen Elizabeth owed her knowledge of the English Constitution.

READER.ExplainI cant see how.

PUNCH.Then you are very dull. Is not Parliament the assembled wisdom of the country?

READER.By a fiction, Mr. PUNCH.

PUNCHVery well, Mr. Reader; whats all the world but a fiction? I say, the assembled wisdom; an Act of Parliament is the sifted wisdom of the wisethe essence of an essence. Very well; know you not the mystic, the medicinal effects of printers ink? The devil himself isnt proof to a blister of printers ink. Well, you take an Act of Parliamentand what is it but the finest plaster of the finest brainswet, reeking wet from the press. Eschewing diaper, you roll the Act round the royal infant; you roll it up and pin it in the conglomerated wisdom of the nation. Now, consider the tenderness of a babys cuticle; the pores are open, and a rapid and continual absorption takes place, so that long before the Royal infant cuts its first tooth, it has taken up into its system the whole body of the Statutes.

READER.Might not some patriots object to the application of the wisdom of the country to so domestic a purpose?

PUNCH.Such patriots are more squeamish than wise. Sir, how many grown up kings have we had, who have shown no more respect for the laws of the country, than if they had been swaddled in em?

READER.Do you think your friend Sir Robert is for statute rollers?

PUNCH.I can answer for Sir Robert on every point. His first attack before he kisses handsand he has, as you perceive, been practising this half-hourwill be upon the women of the bedchamber. The war with Chinathe price of sugarthe corn-lawsthe fourteen new Bishops about to be hatchedtimbercottona property tax, and the penny postall these matters and persons are of secondary importance to this greater questionwhether the female who hands the Queen her gown shall think Lord Melbourne a very pretty fellow in his day; or whether she shall believe my friend Sir Robert to be as great a conjuror as Roger Bacon or the Wizard of the Northif the lady can look upon OConnell and not call for burnt feathers or scream for sal volatile; or if she really thinks the Pope to be a woman with a naughty name, clothed in most exceptionable scarlet. It is whether Lady Mary thinks black, or Lady Clementina thinks white; whether her father who begot her voted with the Marquis of Londonderry or Earl Greythat is the grand question to be solved, before my friend Sir Robert can condescend to be the saviour of his country. To have the privilege of making a batch of peers, or a handful of bishops is nothing, positively nothingno, the crowning work is to manufacture a ladys maid. Whats a mitre to a mob-capwhat the garters of a peer to the garters of the Lady Adeliza?

READER.You are getting warm, Mr. PUNCHvery warm.

PUNCH.I always do get warm when I talk of the delicious sex: for though now and then I thrash my wife before company, who shall imagine how cosy we are when were alone? Do you not remember that great axiom of Sir Robertsan axiom that should make Machiavelli howl with envythat the battle of the Constitution is to fought in the bedchamber.

READER.I remember it.

PUNCH.That was a great sentence. Had Sir Robert known his true fame, he would never after have opened his mouth.

READER.Has the Queen sent for Sir Robert yet?

PUNCH.No: though I know he has staid at home these ten days, and answers every knock at the door himself, in expectation of a message.

READER.They say the Queen doesnt like Sir Robert.

PUNCH.Im also told that her Majesty has a great antipathy to physicyet when the Constitution requires medicine, why

READER.Sir Robert must be swallowed.

PUNCH.Exactly so. We shall have warm work of it, no doubtbut I fear nothing, when we have once got rid of the women. And then, we have a few such nice wenches of our own to place about her Majesty; the Queen shall take Conservatism as she might take measleswithout knowing it.

READER.And when, Mr. PUNCHwhen you have got rid of the women, what do you and Sir Robert purpose then?

PUNCH.I beg your pardon: we shall meet again next week: its now two oclock. I have an appointment with half-a-dozen of my godsons; I have promised them all places in the new government, and theyre come to take their choice.

READER.Do tell me this: Who has Peel selected for Commander of the Forces?

PUNCH.Who? Colonel Sibthorp.

READER.And who for Chancellor of the Exchequer?

PUNCH.Mr. Henry Moreton Dyer!

[pg 19] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. II. A man in a lion's skin holding up the upper half of a smaller man. The bottom half of the small man remains on a bench marked TREASURY BENCH HERCULES TEARING THESEUS FROM THE ROCK TO WHICH HE HAD GROWN.

(MODERNIZED.)

APOLLODORUS relates that THESEUS sat so long on a rock, that at length he grew to it, so that when HERCULES tore him forcibly away, he left all the nether part of the man behind him.

[pg 21] THE ELECTION OF BALLINAFAD. (FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT.) We have been at considerable expense in procuring the subjoined account of the election which has just terminated in the borough of Ballinafad, in Ireland. Our readers may rest assured that our report is perfectly exclusive, being taken, as the artists say, on the spot, by a special bullet-proof reporter whom we engaged, at an enormous expense, for this double hazardous service.

BALLINAFAD, 20th JULY.

Tuesday Morning, Eight oclock.The contest has begun! The struggle for the independence of Ballinafad has commenced! Griggles, the opposition candidate, is in the field, backed by a vile faction. The rank, wealth, and independence of Ballinafad are all ranged under the banner of Figsby and freedom. A party of Griggles voters have just marched into the town, preceded by a piper and a blind fiddler, playing the most obnoxious tunes. A barrel of beer has been broached at Griggles committee-rooms. We are all in a state of the greatest excitement.

Half-past Eight.Mr. Figsby is this moment proceeding from his hotel to the hustings, surrounded by his friends and a large body of the independent teetotal electors. A wheelbarrow full of rotten eggs has been sent up to the hustings, to be used, as occasion requires, by the Figsby voters, who are bent upon

A fellow trying to pull a hog from a lake, but the rope broke GOING THE WHOLE HOG.

A serious riot has occurred at the town pump, where two of the independent teetotalers have been ducked by the opposite party. Stones are beginning to fly in all directions. A general row is expected.

Nine oclock.Polling has commenced. Tom Daly, of Galway, the fighting friend of Mr. Figsby, has just arrived, with three brace of duelling pistols, and a carpet-bag full of powder and ball. This looks like business. I have heard that six of Mr. Figsbys voters have been locked up in a barn by Griggles people. The poll is proceeding vigorously.

Ten oclock.State of the poll to this time:

Figsby 19 Griggles 22 The most barefaced bribery is being employed by Griggles. A lady, known to be in his interest, was seen buying half-a- pound of tea, in the shop of Mr. Fad, the grocer, for which she paid with a whole sovereign, and took no change. Two legs of mutton have also been sent up to Griggles house, by Reilly, the butcher. Heaven knows what will be the result. The voting is become seriousfour men with fractured skulls have, within these ten minutes, been carried into the apothecarys over the way. A couple of policemen have been thrown over the bridge; but we are in too great a state of agitation to mind trifles.

Half-past Twelve oclock.State of the poll to this time:

Figsby 27 Griggles 36 You can have no idea of the frightful state of the town. The faction are employing all sorts of bribery and intimidation. The wife of a liberal greengrocer has just been seen with the Griggles ribbons in her cap. Five pounds have been offered for a sucking-pig. Figsby must come in, notwithstanding two cart-loads of the temperance voters are now riding up to the poll, most of them being too drunk to walk. Three duels have been this morning reported. Results not known. The coroner has been holding inquests in the market-house all the morning.

Three oclock.State of the poll to this time:

Figsby 45 Griggles 39 The rascally corrupt assessor has decided that the temperance electors who came up to vote for the Liberal candidate, being too drunk to speak, were disentitled to vote. Some dead men had been polled by Griggles.

The verdict of the coroners inquest on those who unfortunately lost their lives this morning, has been, Found dead. Everybody admires the sagacious conclusion at which the jury have arrived. It is reported that Figsby has resigned! I am able to contradict the gross falsehood. Mr. F. is now addressing the electors from his committee-room window, and has this instant received a plumperin the eyein the shape of a rotten potato. I have ascertained that the casualties amount to no more than six men, two pigs, and two policemen, killed; thirteen men, women, and children, wounded.

Four oclockState of the poll up to this time:

Figsby 29 Griggles 41 The poll-clerks on both sides are drunk, the assessor has closed the booths, and I am grieved to inform you that Griggles has just been duly elected.

Half past Four oclock.Figsby has given Grigglcs the lie on the open hustings. Will Griggles fight?

Five oclock.His wife insists he shall; so, of course, he must. I hear that a message has just been delivered to Figsby. Tom Daly and his carpet-bag passed under my window a few minutes ago.

Half-past Five oclock.Two post-chaises have just dashed by at full speedI got a glimpse of Tom Daly smoking a cigar in one of them.

Six oclock.I open my letter to tell you that Figsby is the favourite; 3 to 1 has been offered at the club, that he wings his man; and 3 to 2 that he drills him. The public anxiety is intense.

Half-past Six.I again open my letter to say, that I have nothing further to add, except that the betting continues in favour of the popular candidate.

Seven oclock.Huzza!Griggles is shot! The glorious principles of constitutional freedom have been triumphant! The town is in an uproar of delight! We are making preparations to illuminate. BALLINAFAD IS SAVED! FIGSBY FOR EVER!

EPIGRAM. Lord Johnny from Stroud thought it best to retreat.

Being certain of getting the sack,

So he ran to the City, and begged for a seat,

Crying, Please to re-member Poor Jack!

CONUNDRUMS BY COL. SIBTHORP. Why is a tall nobleman like a poker?Because hes a highun belonging to the great.

Why is a defunct mother like a dog?Because shes a ma-stiff.

When is a horse like a herring?When hes hard rode.

EPIGRAM ON SEEING AN EXECUTION. One morn, two friends before the Newgate drop,

To see a culprit throttled, chanced to stop:

Alas! cried one as round in air he spun,

That miserable wretchs race is run.

True, said the other drily, to his cost,

The race is runbut, by a neck tis lost.

FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS. Lord John Russell has arrived at a convictionthat the Whigs are not so popular as they were.

Sir Peter Laurie has arrived at the conclusionthat Solon was a greater man than himself.

THE POET FOILED. To win the maid the poet tries,

And sonnets writes to Julias eyes;

She likes a versebut cruel whim,

She still appears a-verse to him.

A most cruel hoax has recently been played off upon that deserving class the housemaids of London, by the insertion of an advertisement in the morning papers, announcing that a servant in the above capacity was wanted by Lord Melbourne. Had it been for a cook, the absurdity would have been too palpable, as Melbourne has frequently expressed his opposition to sinecures.

ECCLESIASTICAL TRANSPORTATION. Now By Pl has beat the Whigs,

The Church cant understand

Why Botny Bay should be all sea,

And have no see on land.

For such a lamentable want

Our good Archbishop grieves;

Tis very strange the Tories should Remind him of the thieves!

EPIGRAM. An American paper tells us of a woman named Dobbs, who was killed in a preaching-house at Nashville, by the fall of a chandelier on her head. Bretts Patent Brandy poet, who would as soon make a witticism on a cracked crown as a cracked bottle, has sent us the following:

The light of life comes from above,

Old Dingdrum snuffling said;

The light came down on Peggy Dobbs,

And Peggy Dobbs was dead.

A man in Kentucky was so absent, that he put himself on the toasting- fork, and did not discover his mistake until he was done brown.

CONSISTENCY. No wonder Tory landlords flout

Fixd Duty, for tis plain,

With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill

Must go against the grain.

The anticipated eruption of Mount Vesuvius is said to have been prevented by throwing a box of Holloways Ointment into the crater.

[pg 22] THE SAILORS SECRET. In the yearlet me seebut no matter about the datemy father and mother died of a typhus fever, leaving me to the care of an only relative, and uncle, by my fathers side. His name was Box, as my name is Box. I was a babby in long clothes at that time, not even so much as christened; so uncle, taking the hint, I suppose, from the lid of his sea-chest, had me called Bellophron Box. Bellophron being the name of the ship of which he was sailing-master.

I shant say anything about my education; though I was brought up in

A Pirate Boarding Battle A FIRST RATE BOARDING-SCHOOL.

Its not much to boast of; but as soon as I could bear the weight of a cockade and a dirk, uncle got me a berth as midshipman on board his own ship. So there I was, Mr. Bellophron Box. I didnt like the sea or the service, being continually disgusted at the partiality shown towards me, for in less than a month I was put over the heads of all my superior officers. You may starebut its true; for I was mast-headed for a week at a stretch. When we put into port, Captain called me into his cabin, and politely informed me that if I chose to go on shore, and should find it inconvenient to return, no impertinent inquiries should be made after me. I availed myself of the hint, and exactly one year and two months after setting foot on board the Bellophron, I was Master Bellophron Box again.

Well, now for my story. There was one Tom Johnson on board, a foksell man, as they called him, who was very kind to me; he tried to teach me to turn a quid, and generously helped me to drink my grog. As I was unmercifully quizzed in the cockpit, I grew more partial to the society of Tom than to that of my brother middies. Tom always addressed me,Sir, and they named me Puddinghead; till at last we might be called friends. During many a night-watch, when I have sneaked away for a snooze among the hen-coops, has Tom saved me from detection, and the consequent pleasant occupation of carrying about a bucket of water on the end of a capstan bar.

I had been on board about a monthperhaps twowhen the order came down from the Admiralty, for the men to cut off their tails. Lord, what a scene was there! I wonder it didnt cause a mutiny! I think it would have done so, but half the crew were laid up with colds in their heads, from the suddenness of the change, though an extra allowance of rum was served out to rub them with to prevent such consequences; but the purser not giving any definite directions, whether the application was to be external or internal, the liquor, I regret to say, for the honour of the British navy, was applied much lower down. For some weeks the men seemed half-crazed, and were almost as unmanageable as ships that had lost their rudders. Well, so they had! It was a melancholy sight to see piles of beautiful tails with little labels tied to them, like the instructions on a physic-bottle; each directed to some favoured relative or sweetheart of the curtailed seamen. What a strange appearance must Portsmouth, and Falmouth, and Plymouth, and all the other mouths that are filled with sea-stores, have presented, when the precious remembrances were distributed! I wish some artist would consider it; for I think its a shame that there should be no record of such an interesting circumstance.

One night, shortly after this visitation, it blew great guns. Large black clouds, like chimney-sweepers feather-beds, scudded over our heads, and the rain came pouring down likelike winking. Tom had been promoted, and was sent up aloft to reef a sail, when one of the horses giving way, down came Tom Johnson, and snap went a leg and an arm. I was ordered to see him carried below, an office which I readily performed, for I liked the manand they dont allow umbrellas in the navy.

Whats the matter? said the surgeon.

Nothing particular, sir; ony Toms broke his legs and his arms by a fall from the yard, replied a seaman.

Tom groaned, as though he did consider it something very particular.

He was soon stripped and the shattered bones set, which was no easy matter, the ship pitching and tossing about as she did. I sat down beside his berth, holding on as well as I could. The wind howled through the rigging, making the vessel seem like an infernal Eolian harp; the thunder rumbled like an indisposed giant, and to make things more agreeable, a gun broke from its lashings, and had it all its own way for about a quarter of an hour. Tom groaned most pitiably. I looked at him, and if I were to live for a thousand years, I shall never forget the expression of his face. His lips were blue, andno matter, Im not clever at portrait painting: but imagine an old-fashioned Saracens Headnot the fine handsome fellow they have stuck on Snow Hill, but one of the griffins of 1809and you have Toms phiz, only it wants touching with all the colours of a painters palette. I was quite frightened, and could only stammer out, Why T-o-o-m!

Its all up, sir, says he; I must go; I feel it.

Dont be foolish, I replied; Dont die till I call the surgeon. It was a stupid speech, I acknowledge, but I could not help it at the time.

No, no; dont call the surgeon, Mr. Box; hes done all he can, sir. But its hereits here! and then he made an effort to thump his heart, or the back of his head, I couldnt make out which.

I trembled like a jelly. I had once seen a melodrama, and I recollected that the villain of the piece had used the same action, the same words.

Mr. Box, groaned Tom, Ive a-a-secret as makes me very uneasy, sir,

Indeed, Tom, I replied; hadnt you better confess the mur murder, I was a going to say, but I thought it might not be polite, considering Toms situation.

The ruffian, for such he looked then, tried to raise himself, but another lurch of the Bellophron sent him on his back, and myself on my beam-ends. As soon as I recovered my former position, Tom continued

Mr. Box, dare I trust you, sir? if I could do so, Im sartin as how I should soon be easier.

Of course, said I, of course; out with it, and I promise never to betray your confidence.

Then come, come here, gasped the suffering wretch; give us your hand, sir.

I instinctively shrunk back with horror!

Dont be long, Mr. Box, for every minute makes it worse, and then his Saracens Head changed to a feminine expression, and resembled the Belle Sauvage.

I couldnt resist the appeal; so placing my hand in his, Tom put it over his shoulder, and, with a ghastly smile, said, Pull it out, sir!

Pull what out?

My secret, Mr. Box; its hurting on me!

I thought that he had grown delirious; so, in order to soothe him as much as possible, I forced my hand under his shirt-collar, and what do you think I found? Why, a PIGTAILhis pigtail, which he had contrived to conceal between his shirt and his skin, when the barbarous order of the Admiralty had been put into execution.

A silhouette of a bulldog pulling a sailor's pigtail A NAUTICAL TALE.

SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL. No. II. You say you would find

But one, and one only,

Whod feel without you

That the revel was lonely:

That when you were near,

Time ever was fleetest,

And deem your loved voice

Of all music the sweetest.

Who would own her heart thine,

Though a monarch beset it,

And love on unchanged

Dont you wish you may get it?

You say you would rove

Where the bud cannot wither;

Where Arabys perfumes

Each breeze wafteth thither.

Where the lute hath no string

That can waken a sorrow;

Where the soft twilight blends

With the dawn of the morrow;

Where joy kindles joy,

Ere you learn to forget it,

And care never comes

Dont you wish you may get it?

SYLLABLES WHICH BREATHE OF THE SWEET SOUTH. JOEY HUME is about to depart for Switzerland: for, finding his flummery of no avail at Leeds, we presume he intends to go to Schaff-hausen, to try the Cant-on.

MARRIAGE AND CHRISTENING EXTRAORDINARY. We beg to congratulate Lord John Russell on his approaching union with Lady Fanny Elliot. His lordship is such a persevering votary of Hymen, that we think he should be named Union-Jack.

OMINOUS. LORD PALMERSTON, on his road to Windsor, narrowly escaped being upset by a gentleman in a gig. We have been privately informed that the party with whom he came in collision wasSir Robert Peel.

[pg 23] CROSS READINGS. (REC.)

If you ever should be

In a state of ennui,

Just listen to me,

And without any fee

Ill give you a hint how to set yourself free.

Though dearth of intelligence weaken the news,

And you feel an incipient attack of the blues,

For amusement you never need be at a loss,

If you take up the paper and read it across.

(INTER ARIA DEMI LOQUI.)

Heres the Times, apropos,

And so,

With your patience, Ill show

What I mean, by perusing a passage or two.

(ARIA.)

Hem! Mr. George Robins is anxious to tell,

In very plain prose, hes instructed to sell

A vote for the countypacked neatly in straw

Set by Holloways Ointmenta limb of the law.

The army has had secret orders to seize

As soon as they canthe industrious fleas.

For amusement you never need be at a loss,

If you take a newspaper and read it across.

The opera opens withelegant coats

For silver and gold we exchange foreign notes

Specific to soften mortalitys ills

And cure Yorkshire bacontake Morisons pills.

Curious coincidencesteam to Gravesend.

Tale of deep interestmoney to lend

Louisa is waiting for William to send.

For amusement you never need be at a loss,

If you take a newspaper and read it across.

For relief of the Polesan astounding feat!

A respectable manfor a water will eat

The Macadamised portion of Parliament-street.

Mysterious occurrence!expected incog.

To be viewed by cards onlya terrible fog.

At eight in the morning the steam carriage starts

Takes passengers nowto be finished in parts.

For amusement you never need be at a loss,

If you take a newspaper and read it across.

Left in a cab, andthe number not known

A famous prize ox, weighing 200 stone

He speaks with a lisphas a delicate shape

And had on, when he quitted, a Macintosh cape.

For China direct, a finedealer in slops.

To the curious in shavingnew way to dress chops.

Repeal of the cornwas roasted for lunch

Teetotal beverage Triumph of PUNCH!

For amusement you never need be at a loss,

If you take a newspaper and read it across.

A CON. BY DUNCOMBE. Why are four thousand eight hundred and forty yards of land obtained on credit like a drinking song?Because its an-acre- on-tic.I think I had you there!

A WOOD CUT. A correspondent of one of the morning papers exultingly observes, that the wood-blocks which are about being removed from Whitehall are in excellent condition. If this is an allusion to the present ministry, we should say, emphatically, NOT.

REVENGE IS SWEET. The Tories in Beverley have been wreaking their vengeance on their opponents at the late election, by ordering their tradesmen who voted against the Conservative candidate to send in their bills. Mr. Duncombe declares that this is a mode of revenge he never would condescend to adopt.

If Farren, cleverest of men,

Should go to the right about,

What part of town will he be then?

Why, Farren-done-without!

WHAT HO! APOTHECARY. Cox, a pill-doctor at Leeds, it is reported, modestly requested a check for £10, for the honour of his vote. Had his demand been complied with, we presume the bribe would have been endorsed, This draught to be taken at poll time.

QUESTION BY THE DISOWNED OF NOTTINGHAM. Why do men who are about to fight a duel generally choose a field for the place of action?

ANSWER BY COLONEL SIBTHORP. I really cannot tell; unless it be for the purpose of allowing the balls to graze.

REVIEW. Two Prize Essays. By LORD MELBOURNE and SIR ROBERT PEEL. 8 vols. folio. London: Messrs. SOFTSKIN and TINGLE, Downing-street.

We congratulate the refined and sensitive publishers on the production of these elaborately-written gilt-edged folios, and trust that no remarks will issue from the press calculated to affect the digestion of any of the parties concerned. The sale of the volumes will, no doubt, be commensurate with the public spirit, the wisdom, and the benevolence which has uniformly characterised the career of their illustrated authors. Two more statesmanlike volumes never issued from the press; in fact, the books may be regarded as typical of all statesmen. The subject, or rather the line of argument, is thus designated by the respective writers:

ESSAY I.On the Fine Art of Government, or how to do the least possible good to the country in the longest possible time, and enjoy, meanwhile, the most ease and luxury. By LORD MELBOURNE.

ESSAY II.On the Science of Governing, or how to do the utmost possible good for ourselves in the shortest possible time, under the name of our altars, and our throne, and everybody that is good and wise. By SIR ROBERT PEEL.

We are quite unable to enter into a review of these very costly productions, an estimate of the value of which the public will be sure to receive from authority, and be required to meet the amount, not only with cheerful loyalty, but a more weighty and less noisy acknowledgment.

As to the Prize, it has been adjudged by PUNCH to be divided equally between the two illustrious essayists; to the one, in virtue of his incorrigible laziness, and to the other, in honour of his audacious rapacity.

TO THE LAUGHTER-LOVING PUBLIC. PUNCH begs to inform the inhabitants of Great Britain, Ireland, and the Isle of Dogs, that he has just opened on an entirely new line, an Universal Comic Railroad, and Cosmopolitan Pleasure Van for the transmission of bon mots, puns, witticisms, humorous passengers, and queer figures, to every part of the world. The engines have been constructed on the most laughable principles, and being on the high-pressure principle, the manager has provided a vast number of patent anti-explosive fun-belts, to secure his passengers against the danger of suddenly bursting.

The train starts every Saturday morning, under the guidance of an experienced punster. The departure of the train is always attended with immense laughter, and a tremendous rush to the booking-office. PUNCH, therefore, requests those who purpose taking places to apply early, as there will be no

A group of shadows leaping off of a bench RESERVED SEATS!

N.B.Light jokes booked, and forwarded free of expense. Heavy articles not admitted at any price.

? Wanted an epigrammatic porter, who can carry on a smart dialogue, and occasionally deliver light jokes.

CHANT. TO OLD FATHER TIME. Timeold Timewhither away?

Linger a moment with us, I pray;

Too soon thou spreadest thy wings for flight;

Dip, boy, dip

In the bowl thy lip,

And be jolly, old Time, with us to-night.

Dip, dip, &c.

Timeold Timethy scythe fling down;

Garland thy pate with a myrtle crown,

And fill thy goblet with rosy wine;

Fill, fill up,

The joy-giving cup,

Till it foams and flows oer the brim like mine. Fill, fill, &c.

Timeold Timesighing is vain,

Pleasure from thee not a moment can gain;

Fly, old greybeard, but leave us your glass

To fill as we please,

And drink at our ease,

And count by our brimmers the hours as they pass.

[pg 24] THE DRAMA ROMEO AND JULIET. Italy! land of love and maccaroni, of pathos and puppetstomb of Romeo and Julietbirth-place of Punch and Judyregion of romancecountry of the concentrated essences of all these;carnivalsI, PUNCH, the first and last, the alpha and omega of fun, adore thee! From the moment when I was cast upon thy shores, like Venus, out of the sea, to this sad day, when I am forced to descend from my own stage to mere criticism; have I preserved every token that would endear my memory to thee! My nose is still Roman, my mouth-organ plays the genteelest of Italian tunesmy scenes represent the choicest of Italian villasin choice Italian doth my devil swearto wit, shal-la- bella!

Longing to be still more reminded of thee, dear Italy, I threw a large cloak over my hunch, and a huge pair of spectacles over my nose, and ensconced myself in a box at the Haymarket Theatre, to witness the fourth appearance of my rival puppet, Charles Kean, in Romeo. He is an actor! What a deep voicewhat an interesting lispwhat a charming whinewhat a vigorous stamp, he hath! How hard he strikes his forehead when he is going into a ragehow flat he falls upon the ground when he is going to die! And then, when he has killed Tybalt, what an attitude he strikes, what an appalling grin he indulges his gaping admirers withal!

This is real acting that one pays ones money to see, and not such an unblushing imposition as Miss Tree practises upon us. Do we go to the play to see nature? of course not: we only desire to see the actors playing at being natural, like Mr. Gallot, Mr. Howe, Mr. Worral, or Mr. Kean, and other actors. This system of being too natural will, in the end, be the ruin of the drama. It has already driven me from the Stage, and will, I fear, serve the great performers I nave named above in the same manner. But the Haymarket Juliet overdoes it; she is more natural than nature, for she makes one or two improbabilities in the plot of the play seem like every-day matters of fact. Whether she falls madly in love at the first glance, agrees to be married the next afternoon, takes a sleeping draught, throws herself lifeless upon the bed, or wakes in the tomb to behold her poisoned lover, still in all these situations she behaves like a sensible, high-minded girl, that takes such circumstances, and makes them appear to the audiencequite as a matter of course! What let me ask, was the use of the authorwhose name, I believe, was Shaksperepurposely contriving these improbabilities, if the actors do not make the most of them? I do hope Miss Tree will no longer impose upon the public by pretending to act Juliet. Let her try some of the characters in Bulwers plays, which want all her help to make them resemble women of any nation, kindred, or country.

Much as I admire Kean, I always prefer the acting of Wallack; there is more variety in the tones of his voice, for Kean tunes his pipes exactly as my long-drummer sets his drum;to one pitch: but as to action, Wallackmore like my drummerbeats him hollow; he points his toes, stands a-kimbo, takes off his hat, and puts it on again, quite as naturally as if he belonged to the really legitimate drama, and was worked by strings cleverly pulled to suit the action to every word. Wallack is an honest performer; he dont impose upon you, like Webster, for instance, who as the Apothecary, speaks with a hungry voice, walks with a tottering step, moves with a helpless gait, which plainly shows that he never studied the parthe must have starved for it. Where will this confounded naturalness end?

The play is got up, as we managers call it, capitally. The dresses are superb, and so are the properties. The scenery exhibited views of different parts of the city, and was, so far as I am a judge, well painted. I have only one objection to the balcony scene. Plagiarism is mean and contemptibleI despise it. I will not apply to the Vice- Chancellor for an injunction, because the imitation is so vilely caricatured; but the balcony itself is the very counterpart of PUNCHS theatre!PUNCH.

MY FRIEND THE CAPTAIN. When a new farce begins with duck and green peas, it promises well; the sympathies of the audience are secured, especially as the curtain rises but a short time before every sober play-goer is ready for his supper. Mr. Gabriel Snoxall is seated before the comsstibles above mentionedhe is just established in a new lodging. It is snugthe furniture is neatbeing his own property, for he is an unfurnished lodger. A bachelor so situated must be a happy fellow. Mr. Snoxall is happya smile radiates his facehe takes wine with himself; but has scarcely tapped the decanter for his first glass, before he hears a tap at his door. The hospitable Come in! is answered by the appearance of Mr. Dunne Brown, a captain by courtesy, and Snoxalls neighbour by misfortune. Here business begins.

The ancient natural historian has divided the genus homo into the two grand divisions of victimiser and victim. Behold one of each class before youthe yeast and sweat-wort, as it were, which brew the plot! Brown invites himself to dinner, and does the invitation ample justice; for he finds the peas as green as the host; who he determines shall be done no less brown than the duck. He possesses two valuable qualifications in a diner-outan excellent appetite, and a habit of eating fast, consequently the meal is soon over. Mr. Browns own tiger clears away, by the ingenious method of eating up what is left. Mr. Snoxall is angry, for he is hungry; but, good easy man, allows himself to be mollified to a degree of softness that allows Mr. Brown to borrow, not only his tables and chairs, but his coat, hat, and watch; just, too, in the very nick of time, for the bailiffs are announced. What is the hunted creditor to do? Exit by the window to be sure.