Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (5)

The principal feature, or, rather mass of features, which enchain the beholder, is a whole-length portrait of a gentleman (par excellence) seated in a luxuriating, Whitechapel style of ease, the envy, we venture to affirm, of every omnibus cad and coachman, whose loiterings near this spot afford them occasional peeps at him. He is most decidedly the greatest cigar in the shopnot only the mildest, if his countenance deceive us not, but evidently the most full-flavoured. The artist has, moreover, by some extraordinary adaptation or strange coincidence, made him typical of the localitywe allude to the Bull-and-Mouthseated at a table evidently made and garnished for the article. The said gentleman herein depicted is in the act of drinking his own health, or that of all absent friends, probably coupling with it some little compliment to a favourite dog, one of the true Regent-street-and-pink-ribbon breed, who appears to be paying suitable attention. A huge pine-apple on the table, and a champagne cork or two upon the ground, contribute a gallant air of reckless expenditure to this spirited work. In reference to the artistic qualities, it gives us immoderate satisfaction to state that the whole is conceived and executed with that characteristic attention so observable in the works of this master333. We have forgotten the artists nameperhaps never knew it; but we believe it is the same gentleman who painted the great author of Jack Sheppard., and that the fruit-knife, fork, cork-screw, decanter, and chiaro-scuro (as the critic of the Art Union would have it), are truly excellent. The only drawback upon the originality of the subject is the handkerchief on the knee, which (although painted as vigorously as any other portion of the picture) we do not strictly approve of, inasmuch as it may, with the utmost impartiality, be assumed as an imitation of Sir Thomas Lawrences portrait of George the Fourth; nevertheless, we in part excuse this, from the known difficulty attendant upon the representation of a gentleman seated in enjoyment, and parading his bandana, without associating it with a veritable footman, who, upon the occasion of his Sunday out, may, perchance, be seen in one of the front lower tenements in Belgrave-square, or some such locale, paying violent attentions to the housemaid, and the hot toast, decorated with the order of the handkerchief, to preserve his crimson plush in all its glowing purity. We cannot take leave of this interesting work without declaring our opinion that the composition (of the frame) is highly creditable.

Placed on the right of the last-mentioned work of art, is a representation of a young lady, as seen when presenting a full-blown flower to a favourite parrot. There is a delicate simplicity in the attitude and expression of the damsel, which, though you fail to discover the like in the tortuous figures of Taglioni or Cerito, we have often observed in the conduct of ladies many years in the seniority of the one under notice, who, ever mindful of the idol of their thoughts and affectionsa feline companionmay be seen carrying a precious morsel, safely skewered, in advance of them; this gentleness the artist has been careful to retain to eminent success. We are, nevertheless, woefully at a loss to divine what the allegory can possibly be (for as such we view it), what the analogy between a pretty poll and a pol- yanthus. We are unlearned in the language of flowers, or, perhaps, might probe the mystery by a little floral discussion. We are, however, compelled to leave it to the noble order of freemasons, and shall therefore wait patiently an opportunity of communicating with his Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex. In the meantime we shall not he silent upon the remaining qualities of the work as a general wholethe young ladythe parrotthe polyanthus, and the chiaro-scuro, are as excellent as usual in this our most amusing painters productions.

As a pendant to this, we are favoured with the portrait of a young gentleman upon a half-holidayand, equipped with cricket means, his dexter-hand grasps his favourite bat, whilst the left arm gracefully encircles a hat, in which is seductively shown a genuine Duke. The sentiment of this picture is unparalleled, and to the young hero of any parish eleven is given a stern expression of Lords Marylebone ground. We can already (aided by perspective and imagination) see him before a future generation of cricketers, shoulder his bat, and show how games were won. The bat is well drawn and coloured with much truth, and with that strict observance of harmony which is so characteristic of the excellences of art. The artist has felicitously blended the tone and character of the bat with that of the young gentlemans head. As to the ball, we do not recollect ever to have seen one in the works of any of the old masters so true to nature. In conclusion, the buttons on the jacket, and the button-holes, companions thereto, would baffle the criticism of the most hyper-fastidious stab-rag; and the shirt collar, with every other detailnever forgetting the chiaro-scuroare equal to any of the preceding.

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE. We had prepared an announcement of certain theatricals extraordinary, with which we had intended to favour the public, when the following bill reached us. We feel that its contents partake so strongly of what we had heretofore conceived the exclusive character of PUNCH, that to avoid the charge of plagiarism, as well as to prevent any confusion of interests, we have resolved to give insertion to both.

As PUNCH is above all petty rivalry, we accord our collaborateurs the preference.

Red Lion Court, Fleet Street.

SIR,Allow me to solicit your kindness so far, as to give publicity to this bill, by placing it in some conspicuous part of your Establishment. The success of the undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, that I fear not your compliance in so good a cause.

I am, Sir, yours very obediently, C. MITCHELL

VIVANT REGINA ET PRINCEPS. THEATRE ROYAL ENGLISH OPERA HOUSE, WELLINGTON-STREET NORTH, STRAND. Conducted by the Council of the Dramatic Authors Theatre, established for the full encouragement of English Living Dramatists.

ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC. The generous National feelings of the British Public are proverbially interested in every endeavour to obtain a Free Stage and Fair Play. The Council of the Dramatic Authors Theatre seek to achieve both, for every English Living Dramatist. Compelled, by the state of the Law, to present on the Stage a high Tragic Composition IN AN IRREGULAR FORM (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard has been had to those elements of human nature, which must constitute the essential principles of every genuine Dramatic Production), they hope for such kind consideration as may be due to a work brought forward in obedient accordance with the regulations of Acts of Parliament, though labouring thereby under some consequent difficulties; the Law for the Small Theatres Royal, and the Law for the Large Theatres Royal, not being one and the same Law. If, by these efforts, a beneficial alteration in such Law, which presses so fatally on Dramatic Genius, and which militates against the revival of the highest class of Drama, should be effected, they feel assured that the Public will Participate in their Triumph.

On THURSDAY, the 26th of AUGUST, will be presented, for the First Time,

(Interspersed with Songs and Music).

MARTINUZZI. BY GEORGE STEPHENS, ESQ. Taken by him from his magnificent Dramatic Poem, entitled, The Hungarian Daughter.

The Solos, Duets, Chorusses, and every other Musical arrangement the Law may require, by Mr. DAVID LEE.

The following Opinions of the Press on the Actable qualities of the Dramatic Poem, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices.

Worthy of the Stage in its best days.The Courier.

Effective situations; if well acted, it could not fail of success.New Bells Messenger.

The mantle of the Elizabethan Poets seems to have fallen on Mr. Stephens, for we have scarcely ever met with, in the works of modern dramatists, the truthful delineations of human passion, the chaste and splendid imagery, and continuous strain of fine poetry to be found in The Hungarian Daughter.Cambridge Journal.

Equal to Goethe. All is impassioned and effective. The Poet has availed himself of every tragic point, and brought together every element; nor, with the exception, of Mr. Knowless Love, has there been a single Drama, within the last four years, presented on the Stage at all comparable.Monthly Magazine.

After which will be performed, also for the First Time, An Original Entertainment in One Act, Entitled

THE CLOAK AND THE BONNET! By the Author of Jacob Faithful, Peter Simple, &c. &c.

No Orders admitted.No Free List, the Public Press excepted.

Now for our penny trumpet.

THEATRICALS EXTRAORDINARY. READER,Allow us to solicit your kindness so far as to give publicity to the following announcement, by buying up and distributing among your friends the whole of the unsold copies of this number. The success of this undertaking will prove so advantageous to the public at large, and of so little benefit to ourselves, that we fear not your compliance in so good a cause.

Yours obediently, PUNCH.

VIVANT KANT ET TOMFOOLERIE. THEATRE ROYAL PERIPATETIC, WELLINGTON-STREET SOUTH, STRAND. Conducted by the Council of the Fanatic Association established for the full encouragement of Timber Actors and Wooden- headed Dramatists.

ADDRESS TO THE PUBLIC; OR, PUNCH BLOWING HIS OWN TRUMPET, The general National feelings of the British Public are proverbially interested in every endeavour to obtain a blind alley, and no Fantoccini. Compelled by the New Police Act to move on, and so present our high tragic composition by small instalments (in effecting which, nevertheless, regard has been hadThis parenthesis to be continued in our next), we hope for such kind consideration as may be due, when it is remembered that the law for the out-door PUNCH and the law for the in-door PUNCH is not one and the same law. Oh, law!

On SATURDAY, the 28th of AUGUST, will be presented,

(Interspersed with Drum and Mouth Organ),

PUNCHINUZZI, BY EGO SCRIBLERUS, ESQ. Taken from his magnificent Dramatic Poem, entitled, PUNCH NUTS UPON HIMSELF.

The following Opinions on the Actable qualities of Punchinuzzi, are selected from a vast mass of similar notices.

This ere play ud draw at ony fare.The late Mr. Richardson.

This happy poetic drama would be certain to command crowded and elegant courts.La Belle Assemblée.

We have read Punchinuzzi, and we fearlessly declare that the mantle of that metropolitan bard, the late Mr. William Waters, has descended upon the gifted author.Observer.

Worthy of the streets in their best days.Fudge.

No Orders! No Free List! No Money!!.

[pg 66] THE WHIGS LAST DYING SPEECH, AS DELIVERED BY THE QUEEN It is with no common pride that PUNCH avails himself of the opportunity presented to him, from sources exclusively his own, of laying before his readers a copy of the original draft of the Speech decided upon at a late Cabinet Council. There is a novelty about it which pre-eminently distinguishes it from all preceding orations from the throne or the woolsack, for it has a purpose, and evinces much kind consideration on the part of the Sovereign, in rendering this monody on departed Whiggism as grateful as possible to its surviving friends and admirers.

There is much of the eulogistic fervour of George Robins, combined with the rich poetic feeling of Mechi, running throughout the oration. Indeed, it remained for the Whigs to add this crowning triumph to their policy; for who but Melbourne and Co. would have conceived the happy idea of converting the mouth of the monarch into an organ for puffing, and transforming Majesty itself into a National Advertiser?

THE QUEENS SPEECH. MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

I have the satisfaction to inform you, that, through the invaluable policy of my present talented and highly disinterested advisers, I continue to receive from foreign powers assurances of their amicable disposition towards, and unbounded respect for, my elegant and enlightened Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and of their earnest desire to remain on terms of friendship with the rest of my gifted, liberal, and amiable Cabinet.

The posture of affairs in China is certainly not of the most pacific character, but I have the assurance of my infallible Privy Council, and of that profound statesman my Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, in particular, that the present disagreement arises entirely from the barbarous character of the Chinese, and their determined opposition to the progress of temperance in this happy country.

I have also the satisfaction to inform you, that, by the acute diplomatic skill of my never-to-be-sufficiently-eulogised Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, that, after innumerable and complicated negotiations, he has at length succeeded in seducing his Majesty the King of the French to render to England the tardy justice of commemorating, by a fête and inauguration at Boulogne, the disinclination of the French, at a former period, to invade the British dominions.

GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,

I have directed the estimates for the next fortnight to be laid before you, which, I am happy to inform you, will be amply sufficient for the exigencies of my present disinterested advisers.

The unequalled fiscal and arithmetical talents of my Chancellor of the Exchequer have, by the most rigid economy, succeeded in reducing the revenue very considerably below the actual expenditure of the state.

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,

Measures will be speedily submitted to you for carrying out the admirable plans of my Secretary of State for the Colonial Department, and the brilliant author of Don Carlos, for the prevention of apoplexy among paupers, and the reduction of the present extravagant dietary of the Unions.

I have the gratification to announce that a commission is in progress, by which it is proposed by my non-patronage Ministers to call into requisition the talents of several literary gentlemenall intimate friends or relations of my deeply erudite and profoundly philosophic Secretary of State for the Home Department, and author of Yes and No, (three vols. Colburn) for the purpose of extending the knowledge of reading and writing, and the encouragement of circulating libraries all over the kingdom.

My consistent and uncompromising Secretary of State for the Colonies, having, since the publication of his spirited Essays by a gentleman who has lately left his lodgings, totally changed his opinions on the subject of the Corn Laws, a measure is in the course of preparation with a view to the repeal of those laws, and the continuance in office of my invaluable, tenacious, and incomparable ministry.

CAUTION.We have just heard from a friend in Somerset House, that it is the intention of the Commissioners of Stamps, from the glaring puffs embodied in the above speech, to proceed for the advertisement duty against all newspapers in which it is inserted. For ourselves, we will cheerfully pay.

A German, resident in New York, has such a remarkably hard name, that he spoils a gross of steel pens indorsing a bill.

A NEW VERSION OF BELSHAZZARS FEAST. A slender man tries to get out of a chair while his boots run away. OLD GLORYS WHIG TOP-BOOTS REFUSING TO CARRY HIM TO THE DINNER TO CAPTAIN ROUS.

Such, we are credibly assured, was the determination of these liberal and enlightened leathers. They had heard frequent whispers of a general indisposition on the part of all lovers of consistency to stand in their masters shoes, and taking the insult to themselves, they lately came to the resolution of cutting the connexion. They felt that his liberality and his boots were all that constituted the idea of Burdett; and now that he had forsaken his old party and joined Peels, the tops magnanimously decided to forsake him, and force him to take toWellingtons. We have been favoured with a report of the conversation that took place upon the occasion, and may perhaps indulge our readers with a copy of it next week.

In the mean time, we beg to subjoin a few lines, suggested by the circumstance of Burdett taking the chair at Rouss feast, which strongly remind us of Byrons Vision of Belshazzar.

Burdett was in the chair

The Tories throngd the hall

A thousand lamps were there,

Oer that mad festival.

His crystal cup containd

The grape-blood of the Rhine;

Draught after draught he draind,

To drown his thoughts in wine.

In that same hour and hall

A shade like Glory came,

And wrote upon the wall

The records of his shame.

And at its fingers traced

The words, as with a wand,

The traitorous and debased

Upraised his palsied hand.

And in his chair he shook,

And could no more rejoice;

All bloodless waxd his look,

And tremulous his voice.

What words are those appear,

To mar my fancied mirth!

What bringeth Glory here

To tell of faded worth?

False renegade! thy name

Was once the star which led

The free; but, oh! what shame

Encircles now thine head!

Thourt in the balance weighd,

And worthless found at last.

All! all! thou hast betrayd!

And so the spirit passd.

[pg 67] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. VI. A man in a tophat mesmerises a lion seated in a throne while a ghost and a crowd of people watch. ANIMAL MAGNETISM: SIR RHUBARB PILL MESMERISING THE BRITISH LION.

[pg 69] SUPREME COURT OF THE LORD HIGH INQUISITOR PUNCH. PAT V. THE WHIG JUSTICE COMPANY. This is a cause of thorough orthodox equity standing, having commenced before the time of legal memory, with every prospect of obtaining a final decree on its merits somewhere about the next Greek Kalends. In the present term,

COUNSELLOR BAYWIG moved, on the part of the plaintiff, who sues in formâ pauperis, for an injunction to restrain the Whig Justice Company from setting a hungry Scotchmanone of their own creatures, without local or professional knowledgeover the lands of which the plaintiff is the legal, though unfortunately not the beneficial owner, as keeper and head manager thereof, to the gross wrong of the tenants, the depreciation of the lands themselves, the further reduction of the funds standing in the name of the cause, the insult to the feelings and the disregard of the rights of gentlemen living on the estate, and perfectly acquainted with its management; and finally, to an unblushing and barefaced denial of justice to all parties. The learned counsel proceeded to state, that the company, in order to make an excuse for thus saddling the impoverished estates with an additional incubus, had committed a double wrong, by forcing from the office a man eminently qualified to discharge its functionswho had lived and grown white with honourable years in the actual discharge of these functionsand by thrusting into his place their own needy retainer, who, instead of being the propounder of the laws which govern the estates, would be merely the apprentice to learn them; and this too at a time when the company was on the eve of bankruptcy, and when the possession which they had usurped so long was about to pass into the hands of their official assignees.

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.What authorities can you cite for this application?

COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.My lord, I fear the cases are, on the whole, rather adverse to us. Men have, undoubtedly, been chosen to administer the laws of this fine estate, and to guard it from waste, who have studied its customs, been thoroughly learned in its statistics, and interested, by blood and connexion, in its prosperity; but this number is very small. However, when injustice of the most grievous kind is manifest, it should not be continued merely because it is the custom, or because it is an old institution of the country.

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.I am quite astonished at your broaching such abominable doctrines here, sir. You a lawyer, and yet talk of justice in a Court of Equity! By Bacon, Blackstone, and Eldon, tis marvellous! Mr. Baywig, if you proceed, I shall feel it my duty to commit you for a contempt of court.

COUNSELLOR BAYWIG.My lord, in that case I decline the honour of addressing your lordship further; but certainly my poor client is wronged in his land, in himself, and in his kindred. It is shocking personal insult added to terrible pecuniary punishment.

LORD HIGH INQUISITOR.Serve him right! We dismiss the application with costs.

THE ADVANTAGES OF STYLE. Some of the uninitiated in the art and mystery of book-making conceive the chief tax must be upon the compilers brain. We give the following as a direct proof to the contraryone that has the authority of Lord Hamlet, who summed the matter up in three

Words! Words! Words!

In one column we give a common-place household and familiar termin the other we render it into the true Bulwerian phraseology:

Does your mother know you are out? Is your maternal parents natural solicitude allayed by the information, that you have for the present vacated your domestic roof? You dont lodge here, Mr. Ferguson. You are geographically and statistically misinformed; this is by no means the accustomed place of your occupancy, Mr. Ferguson. See! there he goes with his eye out. Behold! he proceeds totally deprived of one moiety of his visual organs! Dont you wish you may get it? Pray confess, are you not really particularly anxious to obtain the desired object? More tother. Infinitely, peculiarly, and most intensely the entire extreme and the absolute reverse. Quite different. Dissimilar as the far- extended poles, or the deep-tinctured ebon skins of the dark denizens of Sols sultry plains and the fair rivals of descending flakes of virgin snow, melting with envy on the peerless breast of fair Circassias ten- fold white-washed daughters. Over the left. Decidedly in the ascendant of the sinister. From the nobleman who is selected to move the address in the House of Lords, it would seem that the Whigs, tired of any further experiments in turning their coats, are about to try what effect they can produce with an old Spencer.

As the weather is to decide the question of the corn-laws, the rains that have lately fallen may be called, with truth, the reins of government.

SPORTING IN DOWNING STREET. COME OUTWILL YOU! The extraordinary attachment which the Whigs have displayed for office has been almost without parallel in the history of ministerial fidelity. Zoologists talk of the local affection of cats, but in what animal shall we discover such a strong love of place as in the present government? Lord John is a very badger in the courageous manner in which he has resisted the repeated attacks of the Tory terriers. The odds, however, are too great for even his powers of defence; he has given some of the most forward of the curs who have tried to drag him from his burrow some shrewd bites and scratches that they will not forget in a hurry; but, overpowered by numbers, he must come out at last, and yield the victory to his numerous persecutors, who will, no doubt, plume themselves upon their dexterity at drawing a badger.

PUNCHS EXTRA DRAMATIC INTELLIGENCE (BY THE CORRESPONDENT OF THE OBSERVER.) The dramatic world has been in a state of bustle all the week, and parties are going about declaringnot that we put any faith in what they saythat Macready has already given a large sum for a manuscript. If he has done this, we think he is much to blame, unless he has very good reasons, as he most likely has, for doing so; and if such is the case, though we doubt the policy of the step, there can be no question of his having acted very properly in taking it. His lease begins in October, when, it is said, he will certainly open, if he can; but, as he positively cannot, the reports of his opening are rather premature, to say the least of them. For our parts, we never think of putting any credit in what we hear, but we give everything just as it reaches us.

THE MONEY MARKET Tin is twopence a hundredweight dearer at Hamburgh than at Paris, which gives an exchange of 247 mille in favour of the latter capital.

A good deal of conversation has been excited by a report of its being intended by some parties in the City to establish a Bank of Issue upon equitable principles. The plan is a novel one, for there is to be no capital actually subscribed, it being expected that sufficient assets will be derived from the depositors. Shares are to be issued, to which a nominal price will be attached, and a dividend is to be declared immediately.

The association for supplying London with periwinkles does not progress very rapidly. A wharf has been taken; but nothing more has been done, which is, we believe, caused by the difficulty found in dealing with existing interests.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES. The Tories are coming into office, and the Parliament House is surrounded with scaffolds!

TO BAKERS AND FISHMONGERS. Want places, in either of the above lines, three highly practical and experienced hands, fully capable and highly accomplished in the arduous duties of looking after any quantity of loaves and fishes. A ten years character can be produced from their last places, which they leave because the concern is for the present disposed of to persons equally capable. No objection to look after the till. Wages not so much an object as an extensive trade, the applicants being desirous of keeping their hands in. Apply to Messrs. Russell, Melbourne, and Palmerston, Downing-street Without.

It is very odd, said Sergeant Channell to Thessiger, that Tindal should have decided against me on that point of law which, to me, seemed as plain as A B C. Yes, replied Thessiger, but of what use is it that it should have been A B C to you, if the judge was determined to be D E F to it?

CLEVER ROGUES. The Belfast Vindicator has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as a piece of silver plate of beautiful workmanship, by which means he disposed of the ticket for two-and-sixpence. The Tories are so struck with this display of congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their BOB, and having him described as a rare piece of vertu(e) première qualité in the expectation of securing a crown by it.

MUNTZ ON THE STATE OF THE CROPS. Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, grown his own mattresses, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of all prudent and hirsute individuals. He finds, by experience, that nine square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum. The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months. Mr. M. recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough with a cats- paw, and manure with Macassar.

The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford. Theodore Hook thinks that the more appropriate title for a Stair, in raising him a step higher, would have been Lord Landing-place, or Viscount Bannister.

[pg 70] LORD MELBOURNES LETTER-BAG. The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and scrubbing-brushes are at a premiuma little anticipative, it is true, of the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered this a work of absolute time and labour. That the change in office had long been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the unfortunate employés had saved up against the rainy day arrived. The routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to get rid of it. From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were extracted. We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed fragments. We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves. They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:

1. MY LORD,In the present critical state of your lordships situation, it behoves every lover of his country and her friends, to endeavour to assuage, as much as possible, the awkward predicament in which your lordship and colleagues will soon be thrown. My dining-rooms in Broad- street, St. Giless, have long been held in high estimation by my customers, for

The rear end of a bull, with a braided tail and striped stockings. BEEF A-LA-MODE;

and I can offer you an excellent basin of leg-of-beef soup, with bread and potatoes, for threepence. Imitated by all, equalled by none.

N.B. Please observe the addressBroad-street, St. Giless.

2. A widow lady, superintendent of a boarding-house, in an airy and cheerful part of Kentish Town, will be happy to receive Lord Melbourne as an inmate, when an ungrateful nation shall have induced his retirement from office. Her establishment is chiefly composed of single ladies, addicted to backgammon, birds, and bible meetings, who would, nevertheless, feel delighted in the society of a man of Lord Melbournes acknowledged gallantry. The dinner-table is particularly well furnished, and a rubber is generally got up every evening, at which Lord M. could play long penny points if he wished it.

Address S.M., Post-office, Kentish Town.

3. Grosjean, Restaurateur, Castle-street, Leicester-square, a lhonneur de prévenir Milord Melbourne quil se trouvera bien servi à son établissement. Il peut commander un bon potage an choux, trois plats, avec pain à discretion, et une pinte de demi-et-demi; enfin, il pourra parfaitement avoir ses sacs soufflés44. French idiomHe will be well able to blow his bags out!PUNCH, with the assistance of his friend in the showthe foreign gentleman. pour un schilling. La société est très comme-il-faut, et on ne donne rien au garçon.

4. (Rose-coloured paper, scented. At first supposed to be from a lady of the bedchamber, but contradicted by the sequel.)

Flattering deceiver, and man of many loves,

My fond heart still clings to your cherished memory. Why have I listened to the honied silver of your seducing accents? Your adored image haunts me night and day. How is the treasury?can you still spare me ten shillings?

YOURS, AMANDA.

5. JOHN MARVAT respectfully begs to offer to the notice of Lord Melbourne his Bachelors Dispatch, or portable kitchen. It will roast, bake, boil, stew, steam, melt butter, toast bread, and diffuse a genial warmth at one and the same time, for the outlay of one halfpenny. It is peculiarly suited for lamb, in any form, which requires delicate dressing, and is admirably adapted for concocting mint-sauce, which delightful adjunct Lord Melbourne may, ere long, find some little difficulty in procuring.

High Holborn.

6. May it plese my Lord,i have gest time to Rite and let you kno wot a sad plite we are inn, On account off your lordships inwitayshun to queen Wictory and Prince Allbut to come and Pick a bit with you, becos There is nothink for them wen they comes, and the Kitchin-range is chokd up with the sut as has falln down the last fore yeers, and no poletry but too old cox, which is two tuff to be agreerble; But, praps, we Can git sum cold meet from the in, wot as bin left at the farmers markut-dinner; and may I ask you my lord without fear of your

An official-looking man nabs another. TAKING A FENCE

on the reseat of this To send down sum ham and beef to metwo pound will be Enuffor a quarter kitt off pickuld sammun, if you can git it, and I wish you may; and sum german silver spoons, to complement prince Allbut with; and, praps, as he and his missus knos theyve come to Take pot- luck like, they wont be patickler, and I think we had better order the beer from the Jerry-shop, for owr own Is rayther hard, and the brooer says, that a fore and a harf gallon, at sixpence A gallon, wont keep no Time, unless its drunk; and so we guv some to the man as brort the bushel of coles, and he sed It only wanted another Hop, and then it woud have hopped into water; and John is a-going to set some trimmers in The ditches to kitch some fish; and, praps, if yure lordship comes, you may kitch sum too, from

Yure obedient Humbl servent and housekeeper,

MISSES RUMMIN.

7. MY LORD,Probably your cellars will be full of choke-damp when the door is opened, from long disuse and confined air. I have men, accustomed to descend dangerous wells and shafts, who will undertake the job at a moderate price. Should you labour under any temporary pecuniary embarrassment in paying me, I shall be happy to take it out in your wine, which I should think had been some years in bottle. Your Lordships most humble servant,

RICHARD ROSE, Dealer in Marine Stores. Grays-inn-lane.

LAYS OF THE LAZY. Ive wanderd on the distant shore,

Ive braved the dangers of the deep,

Ive very often passd the Nore

At Greenwich climbd the well-known steep;

Ive sometimes dined at Conduit House,

Ive taken at Chalk Farm my tea,

Ive at the Eagle talkd with Rouse

But I have NOT forgotten thee!

Ive stood amid the glittering throng

Of mountebanks at Greenwich fair,

Where I have heard the Chinese gong

Filling, with brazen voice, the air.

Ive joind wild revellers at night

Ive crouchd beneath the old oak tree,

Wet through, and in a pretty plight,

But, oh! Ive NOT forgotten thee!

Ive earnd, at times, a pound a week

Alas! Im earning nothing now;

Chalk scarcely shames my whitend cheek,

Grief has ploughd furrows in my brow.

I only get one meal a day,

And that one mealoh, God!my tea;

Im wasting silently away,

But I have NOT forgotten thee!

My days are drawing to their end

Ive now, alas! no end in view;

I never had a real friend

I wear a worn-out black surtout,

My heart is darkend oer with woe,

My trousers whitend at the knee,

My boot forgets to hide my toe

But I have NOT forgotten thee!

MATERNAL SOLICITUDE. The business habits of her gracious Majesty have long been the theme of admiration with her loving subjects. A further proof of her attention to general affairs, and consideration for the accidents of the future, has occurred lately. The lodge at Frogmore, which was, during the lifetime of Queen Charlotte, an out-of-town nursery for little highnesses, has been constructed (by command of the Queen) into a Royal Eccalleobion for a similar purpose.

A man takes a chicken into a cellar. FAMILIES SUPPLIED.

[pg 71] WIT WITHOUT MONEY: OR, HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING. BY VAMPYRE HORSELEECH, ESQ CHAPTER II. A clever fellow, that Horseleech! When Vampyre is once drawn out, what a great creature it is! These, and similar ecstatic eulogiums, have I frequently heard murmured forth from muzzy mouths into tinged and tingling ears, as I have been leaving a company of choice spirits. There never was a greater mistake. Horseleech, to be candid, far from being a clever fellow, is one of the most barren rascals on record. Vampyre, whether drawn out or held in, is a poor creature, not a great creatureopaque, not luminousin a word, by nature, a very dull dog indeed.

But you see the necessity of appearing otherwise.Hunger may be said to be a moral Mechi, which invents a strop upon which the bluntest wits are sharpened to admiration. Believe me, by industry and perseverancewhich necessity will inevitably superinducethe most dreary dullard that ever carried timber between his shoulders in the shape of a head, may speedily convert himself into a seeming Sheridana substitutional Sydney Smitha second Sam Rogers, without the drawback of having written Jacqueline.

Take it for granted that no professed diner-out ever possessed a particle of native wit. His stock-in-trade, like that of Field-lane chapmen, is all plunder. Not a joke issues from his mouth, but has shaken sides long since quiescent. Whoso would be a diner-out must do likewise.

The real diner-out is he whose card-rack or mantelpiece (I was going to say groans, but) laughingly rejoices in respectful well-worded invitations to luxuriously-appointed tables. I count not him, hapless wretch! as one who, singling out a friend, drops in just at pudding- time, and ravens horrible remnants of last Tuesdays joint, cognizant of curses in the throat of his host, and of intensest sable on the brows of his hostess. No struggle there, on the part of the children, to share the good mans knee; but protruded eyes, round as spectacles, and almost as large, fixed alternately upon his flushed face and that absorbing epigastrium which is making their miserable flesh-pot to wane most wretchedly.

To be jocose is not the sole requisite of him who would fain be a universal diner-out. Lively with the lightairy with the sparklingbrilliant with the blithe, he must also be grave with the seriousheavy with the profoundsolemn with the stupid. He must be able to snivel with the sentimentalto condole with the afflictedto prove with the practicalto be a theorist with the speculative.

To be jocose is his most valuable acquisition. As there is a tradition that birds may be caught by sprinkling salt upon their tails, so the best and the most numerous dinners are secured by a judicious management of Attic salt.

I fear me that the works of Josephus, and of his imitatorsof that Joseph and his brethren, I mean, whom a friend of mine calls The Miller and his menI fear me, I say, that these are well-nigh exhausted. Yet I have known very ancient jokes turned with advantage, so as to look almost equal to new. But this requires long practice, ere the final skill be attained.

Etherege, Sedley, Wycherley, and Vanbrugh are very little read, and were pretty fellows in their day; I think they may be safely consulted, and rendered available. But, have a care. Be sure you mingle some of your own dulness with their brighter matter, or you will overshoot the mark. You will be too wittya fatal error. True wits eat no dinners, save of their own providing; and, depend upon it, it is not their wit that will now-a-days get them their dinner. True wits are feared, not fed.

When you tell an anecdote, never ascribe it to a man well known. The time is gone by for dwelling uponDean Swift saidQuin, the actor, remarkedThe facetious Foote was onceThat reminds me of what SheridanHa! ha! Sydney Smith was dining the other day withand the like. Your ha! ha!especially should it precede the name of Sam Rogerswould inevitably cost you a hecatomb of dinners. It would be changed into oh! oh! too surely, and too soon. Verbum sat.

I would have you be careful to sort your pleasantries. Your soup jokes (never hazard that one about Marshal Turenne, it is really too ancient,) your fish, your flesh, your fowl jestsyour side-shakers for the side dishesyour puns for the pastryyour after-dinner excruciators.

Sometimes, from negligence (but be not negligent) or ill-luck, which is unavoidable, and attends the best directed efforts, you sit down to table with your stock ill arranged or incomplete, or of an inferior quality. Your object is to make men laugh. It must be done. I have known a pathetic passage, quoted timely and with a happy emphasis from a popular novelsay, Alice, or the MysteriesI have known it, I say, do more execution upon the congregated amount of midriff, than the best joke of the evening. (There is one passage in that thrilling performance, where Alice, overjoyed that her lover is restored to her, is represented as frisking about him like a dog around his long-absent proprietor, which, whenever I have taken it in hand, has been rewarded with the most vociferous and gleesome laughter.)

And this reminds me that I should say a word about laughers. I know not whether it be prudent to come to terms with any man, however stentorian his lungs, or flexible his facial organs, with a view to engage him as a cachinnatory machine. A confederate may become a traitora rival he is pretty certain of becoming. Besides, strive as you may, you can never secure an altogether unexceptionable individualone who will go the whole hyaena, and be at the same time the entire jackal. If he once start lion on his own account, furnished with your original roar, with which you yourself have supplied him, good-bye to your supremacy. Farewell, my trim-built wherryhe is in the same boat only to capsise you.

And the first lion thinks the last a bore,

and rightly so thinks. No; the best and safest plan is to work out your own ends, independent of aid which at best is foreign, and is likely to be formidable.

I may perhaps resume this subject more at large at a future time. My space at present is limited, but I feel I have hardly as yet entered upon the subject.

LAM(B)ENTATIONS. Ye banks and braes o Buckingham,

How can ye bloom sae fresh and fair,

When I am on my latest legs,

And may not bask amang ye mair!

And you, sweet maids of honour,come,

Come, darlings, let us jointly mourn,

For your old flame must now depart,

Depart, oh! never to return!

Oft have I roamd oer Buckingham,

From room to room, from height to height;

It was such pleasant exercise,

And gave me such an appetite!

Yes! when the dinner-hour arrived,

For me they never had to wait,

I was the first to take my chair,

And spread my ample napkin straight.

And if they did not quickly come,

After the dinner-bell had knolld,

I just ran up my private stairs,

To say the things were getting cold!

But now, farewell, ye pantry steams,

(The sweets of premiership to me),

Ye gravies, relishes, and creams,

Malmsey and Port, and Burgundy!

Full well I mind the days gone by,

Twas nought but sleep, and wake, and dine;

Then John and Pal sang o their luck,

And fondly sae sang I o mine!

But now, how sad the scene, and changed!

Johnny and Pal are glad nae mair!

Oh! banks and braes o Buckingham!

How can you bloom sae fresh and fair!

CHELSEA. (From our own Correspondent.) This delightful watering-place is filling rapidly. The steam-boats bring down hundreds every day, and in the evening take them all back again. Mr. Jones has engaged a lodging for the week, and other families are spoken of. A ball is also talked about; but it is not yet settled who is to give it, nor where it is to be given. The promenading along the wooden pier is very general at the leaving of the packets, and on their arrival a great number of persons pass over it. There are whispers of a band being engaged for the season; but, as there will not be room on the pier for more than one musician, it has been suggested to negotiate with the talented artist who plays the drum with his knee, the cymbals with his elbow, the triangle with his shoulder, the bells with this head, and the Pans pipes with his mouththus uniting the powers of a full orchestra with the compactness of an individual. An immense number of Margate slippers and donkeys have been imported within the last few days, and there is every probability of this pretty little peninsula becoming a formidable rival to the old- established watering-places.

[pg 72] THE DRAMA. FOREIGN AFFAIRS, OR, THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. Perhaps it was the fashion at the court of Queen Anne, for young gentlemen who had attained the age of sixteen to marry and be given in marriage. At all events, some conjecture of the sort is necessary to make the plot of the piece we are noticing somewhat probablethat being the precise circumstance upon which it hinges. The Count St. Louis, a youthful attaché of the French embassy, becomes attached, by a marriage contract, to Lady Bell, a maid of honour to Queen Anne. The husband at sixteen, of a wife quite nineteen, would, according to the natural course of things, be very considerably hen-pecked; and St. Louis, foreseeing this, determines to begin. Well, he insists upon having article five of the marriage contract cancelled; for, by this stipulation, he is to be separated from his wife, on the evening of the ceremony (which fast approaches), for five years. He storms, swears, and is laughed at; somebody sends him a wedding present of sugar-plumseverybody calls him a boy, and makes merry at his expensethe wife treats him with contempt, and plays the scornful. The hobble-de-hoy husband, fired with indignation, determines to prove himself a man.

At the court of Queen Anne this seems to have been an easy matter. St. Louis writes love-letters to several maids of honour and to a citizens wife, finishing the first act by invading the private apartments of the maiden ladies belonging to the court of the chaste Queen Anne.

The second act discovers him confined to his apartments by order of the Queen, having amused himself, while the intrigues begun by the love- letters are hatching, by running into debt, and being surrounded by duns. The intrigues are not long in coming to a head, for two ladies visit him separately in secret, and allow themselves to be hid in those never-failing adjuncts to a piece of dramatic intriguea couple of closets, which are used exactly in the same manner in Foreign Affairs, as in all the farces within the memory of manex. gr.:The hero is alone; one lady enters cautiously. A tender interchange of sentiment ensuesa noise is heard, and the lady screams. Ah! that closet! Into which exit lady. Then enter lady No. 2. A second interchange of tender thingsanother noise behind. No escape? None! and yet, happy thought, that closet. Exit lady No. 2, into closet No. 2.

This is exactly as it happens in Foreign Affairs. The second noise is made by the husband of one of the concealed ladies, and the lover of the other. Here, out of the old closet materials, the dramatist has worked up one of the best situationsto use an actors wordwe ever remember to have witnessed. It cannot be described; but it is really worth all the money to go and see it. Let our readers do so. The Affairs end by the boy fighting a couple of duels with the injured men; and thus, crowning the proof of his manhood, gets his wife to tolerateto love him.

The piece was, as it deserved to be, highly successful; it was admirably acted by Mr. Webster as one of the injured loversMr. Strickland and Mrs. Stirling, as a vulgar citizen and citizenessby Miss P. Horton as Lady Belland even by a Mr. Clarke, who played a very small partthat of a barberwith great skill. Lastly, Madlle. Celeste, as the hero, acquitted herself to admiration. We suppose the farce is called Foreign Affairs out of compliment to this lady, who is the only Foreign Affair we could discover in the whole piece, if we except that it is translated from the French, which is, strictly, an affair of the authors.

MARY CLIFFORD. If, dear readers, you have a taste for refined morality and delicate sentiment, for chaste acting and spirited dialogue, for scenery painted on the spot, but like nothing in nature except canvas and colourgo to the Victoria and see Mary Clifford. It may, perhaps, startle you to learn that the incidents are faithfully copied from the Newgate Calendar, and that the subject is Mother Brownrigg of apprentice-killing notoriety; but be not alarmed, there is nothing horrible or revolting in the dramait is merely laughable.

Mary Clifford, or the foundling apprentice girl, is very appropriately introduced to the auditor, first outside the gates of that noble charity-school, taking leave of some of her accidental companions. Here sympathy is first awakened. Mary is just going out to place, and instead of saying good bye, which we have been led to believe is the usual form of farewell amongst charity-girls, she sings a song with such heart-rending expression, that everybody cries except the musicians and the audience. To assist in this lachrymose operation, the girls on the stage are supplied with clean white apronstime out mind a charity- girls pocket-handkerchief. In the next scene we are introduced to Mr. and Mrs. Brownriggs domestic arrangements, and are made acquainted with their private charactersa fine stroke of policy on the part of the author; for one naturally pities a poor girl who can sing so nicely, and can get the corners of so many white aprons wetted on leaving her last place, when one sees into whose hands she is going to fall. The fact is, the whole family are people of tastepeculiar, to be sure, and not refined. Mrs. B. has a taste for starving apprenticesher son, Mr. Jolin B., for seducing themand Mr. B. longs only for a quiet life, a pot of porter, and a pipe. Into the bosom of this amiable family Mary Clifford enters; and we tremble for her virtue and her meals! not, alas, in vain, for Mr. John is not slow in commencing his gallantries, which are exceedingly offensive to Mary, seeing that she has already formed a liaison with a school-fellow, one William Clipson, who happily resides at the very next door with a baker. During the struggles that ensue she calls upon her hearts master, the journeyman baker. But there is another and more terrible invocation. In classic plays they invoke the godsin Catholic I ones, the saintsthe stage Arab appeals to Allahthe light comedian swears by the lord Harrybut Mary Clifford adds a new and impressive invocative to the list. When young Brownrigg attempts to kiss, or his mother to flog her, she casts her eyes upward, kneels, and placing her hands together in an attitude of prayer, solemnly calls uponthe governors of the Foundling Hospital!! Nothing can exceed the terrific effect this seems to produce upon her persecutors! They release her instantlythey slink back abashed and tremblingthey hide their diminished heads, and leave their victim a clear stage for a soliloquy or a song.

We really must stop here, to point out to dramatic authors the importance of this novel form of conjuration. When the history of Fauntleroy comes to be dramatised, the lover will, of course, be a bankers clerk: in the depths of distress and despair into which he will have to be plunged, a prayer-like appeal to the Governor and Company of the Bank of England, will, most assuredly, draw tears from the most insensible audience. The old exclamations of Gracious powers!Great heavens!By heaven, I swear! &c. &c., may now be abandoned; and, after Mary Clifford, Bob Acres tasteful system of swearing may not only be safely introduced into the tragic drama, but considerably augmented.

But to return. Dreading lest Miss Mary should really go and tell the illustrious governors, she is kept a close prisoner, and finishes the first act by a conspiracy with a fellow-apprentice, and an attempt to escape.

Mr. Brownrigg, we are informed, carried on business at No. 12, Fetter- lane, in the oil, paint, pickles, vinegar, plumbing, glazing, and pepper-line; and, in the next act, a correct view is exhibited of the exterior of his shop, painted, we are told, from the most indisputable authorities of the time. Here, in Fetter, lane, the romance of the tale begins:A lady enters, who, being of a communicative disposition, begins, unasked, unquestioned, to tell the audience a storyhow that she married in early lifethat her husband was pressed to sea a day or two after the weddingthat she in due time became a mother, and (affectionate creature!) left the dear little pledge at the door of the Foundling Hospital. That was sixteen years ago. Since then fortune has smiled, and she wants her baby back again; but on going to the hospital, says, that they informed her that her daughter has been just put apprentice in the very house before which she tells the storypart of it as great a fib as ever was told; for children once inside the walls of that noble charity, never know who left them there; and any attempt to find each other out, by parent or child, is punished with the instant withdrawal of the omnipotent protection of the awful governors. This lady, who bears all the romance of the piece upon her own shoulders, expects to meet her long-lost husband at the Ship, in Wapping, and instead of seeking her daughter, repairs thither, having done all the author required, by emptying her budget of fibs.