Chapter II: A pontificating man with his arms outstretched in the shape (12)

[pg 114] THE CORN LAWS AND CHRISTIANITY. Doctor Chalmers refused to attend the synod of Clergymen gathered together to consider the relative value of the Big and Little Loaf, on the ground that the reverend gentlemen were beginning their work at the wrong end. Wages will go up with Christianity, says the Doctor; cheap corn will follow the dissemination of cheap Bibles. I know of no other road for the indefinite advancement of the working classes to a far better remuneration, and, of course, a far more liberal maintenance, in return for their toils, than they have ever yet enjoyedit is a universal Christian education. Such are the words of Doctor CHALMERS.

We perfectly agree with the reverend doctor. Instead of shipping Missionaries to Africa, let us keep those Christian sages at home for the instruction of the English Aristocracy. When we consider the benighted condition of the elegant savages of the western squares,when we reflect upon the dreadful scepticism abounding in Park-lane, May- fair, Portland-place and its vicinity,when we contemplate the abominable idols which these unhappy natives worship in their ignorance,when we know that every thought, every act of their misspent life is dedicated to a false religion, when they make hourly and daily sacrifice to that brazen serpent,

SELF!

when they offer up the poor mans sweat to the abomination,when they lay before it the crippled child of the factory,when they take from life its bloom and dignity, and degrading human nature to mere brute breathing, make offering of its wretchedness as the most savoury morsel to the perpetual craving of their insatiate god,when we consider all the manifold sins and wickednesses of the barbarians in purple and fine linen, of those pampered savages whose eyes are red with wine and whose teeth white with milk,we do earnestly hope that the suggestion of Doctor Chalmers will be carried into immediate practical effect, and that Missionaries, preaching true Christianity, will be sent among the rich and benighted people of this country,so that the poor may believe that the Scriptures are something more than mere printed paper, seeing their glorious effects in the awakened hearts of those who, in the arrogance of their old idolatry, called themselves their betters!

A universal Christian education! To this end, the Bench of Bishops meet at Lambeth; and discovering that locusts and wild honeythe Baptists dietmay be purchased for something less than ten thousand a year,and, after a minute investigation of the Testament, failing to discover the name of St. Peters coachmaker, or of St. Pauls footman, his valet, or his cook,take counsel one with another, and resolve to forego at least nine-tenths of their yearly in-comings. No! they exclaimand what apostolic brightness beams in the countenance of CANTERBURYwhat celestial light plays about the fleshy head of LONDONwhat more than saint-like beauty surprises the cowslip-coloured face of EXETERwhat lambent fire, what looks of Christian love play about and beam from the whole episcopal Bench!No! they crywe will no longer have the spirit oppressed by these cumbrous trappings of fleshy pride! We will promote an universal Christian educationwe will teach charity by examples, and live unto all men by a personal abstinence from the bickerings and malice of civil life. We will not defile the sacred lawn with the mud of turnpike actswe will no longer sweat in the House of Lords, but labour only in the House of the Lord!

Their Christian hearts sweetly suffused with sudden meekness, the Bishops proceedstaff in hand, and Bible under armfrom Lambeth Palace. How the people make way for the holy procession! Hackney-coachmen on their stands uncover themselves, and the drayman, surprised in his whistle, doffs his beaver to the reverend pilgrims. With measured step and slow, they proceed to Downing-street; the self-deputed Missionaries, resolved to give her Majestys ministers a Christian education. Sir ROBERT PEEL is immediately taken in hand by the Bishop of EXETER; who sets the Baronet to learn and exemplify the practical beauties of the Lords Prayer. When Sir ROBERT comes to give us this day our daily bread, he insists upon adding the words with a sliding scale. However, EXETER, animated by a sudden flux of Christianity, keeps the baronet to his lesson, and the Premier is regenerated; yea, is a brand snatched from the fire.

Lord LYNDHURST makes a great many wry mouths at some parts of the Decaloguewe will not particularise thembut the Bishop of London is resolute, and the new Lord Chancellor is, in all respects a bran-new Christian.

Lord STANLEY begs that when he prays for power to forgive all his enemies, he may be permitted to except from that prayerDANIEL OCONNELL. The Bishop is, however, inexorable; and OConnell is to be prayed for, in all churches visited by Lord STANLEY.

Several of the bishops, smitten by the heathen darkness of the great majority of the Cabinetaffected by their utter ignorance of the practical working of Christianityburst into tears. It will not be credited by those disposed to think charitably of their fellow- creatures, thatwe state the melancholy fact upon the golden word of the Bishop of EXETERseveral Cabinet ministers had never heard of the divine sentence which enjoins upon us to do to others as we would they should do unto us. Sir JAMES GRAHAM, for instance, declared that he had always understood the passage to simply runDo others; and had, therefore, in very many acts of his political life, squared his doings according to the mutilated sentence. All the Cabinet had, more or less, some idea of the miracle of the Loaves and the Fishes. Indeed, many of them confessed that with them, the Loaves and the Fishes had, during their whole political career, contained the essence of Christianity. Sir EDWARD KNATCHBULL, Lord ELLENBOROUGH, and GOULBURN declared that for the last ten years they had hungered for nothing else.

We cannot dwell upon every individual case of ignorance displayed in the Cabinet. We confine ourselves to the glad statement, that every minister from the first lord of the treasury to the grooms in waiting, vivified by the sacred heat of their schoolmaster Bishops, illustrate the great truth of Doctor CHALMERS, that the poor man can only obtain justice by a universal Christian education.

The Bench of Bishops do not confine their labours to the instruction of the Cabinet. By no means. They have appointed prebends, deans, canons, vicars, &c., to teach the members of both houses of Parliament practical Christianity towards their fellow-men. Lord LONDONDERRY has sold his fowling-piece for the benefit of the poorhas given his shooting-jacket to the ragged beggar that sweeps the crossing opposite the Carlton Cluband resolving to forego the vanities of grouse, is now hard at work on The Acts of the Apostles. Colonel SIBTHORPafter unceasing labour on the part of Doctor CROLYhas managed to spell at least six of the hard names in the first chapter of St. Matthew, and can now, with very slight hesitation, declare who was the father of ZEBEDEES children!

An universal Christian education! Oh, reader! picture to yourself Londonfor one day onlyoperated upon by the purest Christianity. Consider the mundane interests of this tremendous metropolis directed by Apostolic principles! Imagine the hypocrisy of respectabilitythe conventional liethe allowed ceremonial deceitthe tricks of tradethe ten thousand scoundrel subterfuges by which the lowest dealers of this world purchase Bank-stock and rear their own pine-applesthe common, innocent iniquities (innocent from their very antiquity, having been bequeathed from sire to son) which men perpetrate six working-days in the week, and after, lacker up their faces with a look of sleek humility for the Sunday pewconsider all this locust swarm of knaveries annihilated by the purifying spirit of Christianity, and then look upon London breathing and living, for one day only, by the sweet, sustaining truth of the Gospel!

Had our page ten thousand times its amplitude, it would not contain the briefest register of the changes of that day!

There is a scoundrel attorney, who for thirty years has become plethoric on broken hearts. The scales of leprous villany have fallen from him; and now, an incarnation of justice, he sits with open doors, to pour oil into the wounds of the smittento make man embrace man as his brotherto preach lovingkindness to all the world, andwithout a feeto chant the praises of peace and amity.

Crib the stockbroker meets Horns a fellow-labourer in the same hempen walk of life. Crib offers to buy a little Spanish of Horns. My dear Crib, says Horns, it is impossible; I cant sell; for I have just received by a private hand from Cadiz, news that must send the stock down to nothing. I am a Christian, my dear Crib, says Horns, and as a Christian, how could I sell you a certain loss?

A mistaken, but well-meaning man, although a tailor, meets his debtor in Bow-street. A slight quarrel ensues; whereupon, the debtor (to show that the days of chivalry are not gone) kicks his tailor into the gutter. Does the tailor take the offender before Mr. JARDINE? By no means. The tailor is a Christian; and learning the exact measure of his enemy, and returning good for evil, he, in three days time, sends to his assailant a new suit of the very best super Saxony.

How many quacks we see rushing to the various newspaper offices to countermand their advertisements! What gaps in the columns of the newspapers themselves! Where is the sugary liethe adroit slanderthe scoundrel meanness, masking itself with the usage of patriotism? All, all are vanished, forthe Morning Herald is published upon Christian principles!

Let us descend to the smallest matters of social life. Will this gingham wash? asks Betty the housemaid of Twill the linen-draper. Twill is a Christian; and therefore replies, it is a very poor article, and it will not wash!

We are with Doctor Chalmers for Christianitybut not Christianity of one side. Pray for those who despitefully use you, say the Corn Law Apostles to the famishing; and then, cocking their eye at one another, and twitching their tongues in their mouths they addfor this is Christianity!

Q.

ENCOURAGEMENT OF NATIVE TALENT. Her Majesty has, it seems, presented the conductor of the Gazette Musicale with a gold medal and her portrait, as a reward for his constant efforts in the cause of music (vide Morning Post, Sept. 9). From this, it may be supposed, foreigners alone are deemed worthy of distinction; but our readers will be glad to learn, that Rundells have been honoured with an order for a silver whistle for PUNCH. His unceasing efforts in the causes of humbug, political, literary, and dramatic, having drawn forth this high mark of royal favour.

[pg 115] PUNCHS PENCILLINGSNO. X. A man holds a paper marked 'Her Majesty's Command to Dinner' THE DINER-OUT.

[pg 117] THE OMEN OUTWITTED: OR, HOW HIS REVERENCES HEELS TOOK STEPS TO SAVE HIS HEAD. So, Dick, I mean your reverence, you like the blessed old country as well as ever, eh, lad?

As well, ay, almost better. My return to it is like the meeting of long-parted friendsthe joy of the moment is pure and unalloyedall minor faults are forgottenall former goodness rushes with double force from the recollection to the heart, and the renewal of old fellowship grafts new virtues (the sweet fruits of regretted absence) upon him who has been the chosen tenant of our heart of hearts.

His reverences healththree times three (empty them heeltaps, Jack, and fill out of the fresh jug)now, boys, give tongue. Thats the raal thing; them cheers would wake the seven sleepers after a dose of laudanum. Bless you, and long life to you! Thats the worst wish youll find here.

I know that right well, uncle. I know it, feel it, and most heartily thank you all.

Enough said, parson. By dad, Dick, its mighty droll to be calling you, that was but yesterday a small curly-pated gossoon, by that clerical mouthful of a handle to your name. But do you find us altered much?

There is no change but Timesthat has fallen lightly. To be sure, yesterday I was looking for the heads of my strapping cousins at the bottom button of their well-filled waistcoats, and, before Jacks arrival, meant to do a paternal and patriarchal pat on his, at somewhere about that altitude; a ceremony he must excuse, as the little lad of my mind has thought proper to expand into a young Enniskillen of six feet three.

Hes a mighty fine boythe lady-killing vagabone! said the father, with a kind look of gratified pride; and then added, as if to stop the infection of the vanity, and theres no denying hes big enough to be better. Here a slight scrimmage at the door of the dining-room attracted the attention of the masther.

Whats the meaning of that noise, ye vagabones?

Spake up, Mickey.

Is it me? It is. Not at all, by no means. Let Paddy do it, or Tim Carroll; theyre used to going out wid the car, and dont mind spaking to the quality. Take yourselves out othat, or let me know what you want, and be pretty quick about it, too.

The result of this order was the appearance of Tim Carroll in the centre of the rooma dig between the shoulders, and vigorously-applied kick behind, hastening him into that somewhat uneasy situation, with a degree of expedition perfectly marvellous.

Spake out, what is it? Ahem! commenced Tim; you see, sir (aside), Ill be even wid you for that kick, you thief of the worldyou see, Paddy (bad manners to him) and the rest o the boys, was thinking that, owing to the change o climate, Master Richardthat is, his new riverencehas gone through by rason of laving England and comin hereand mighty could, no doubt, he was on the journeybe praised hes safethe boy, sir, was thinkin, masther dear, it was nothing but their duty, and what was due to the family, to ax your honours opinion about their takin the smallest taste of whiskey in life, jist to be drinking his riverences Masther Richards health, andSuccess to him! shouted the chorus at the door. Thats it! said the masther. And nothing but it! responded the chorus. Nelly, my jewel! take the kays and give them anything in dacency! Hurrah! smiling good luck to you, for ever and afther! Thatll do, boys! but stay: its Terence Conways wedding nightits a good tenant hes been to metake the sup down there, and youll get a dance; now be off, you devils!

Many thanks to your honour! chorused the delighted group; and I done that iligant, anyhow, muttered the gratified, successful, and, therefore, forgiving orator. Ill try again. Ahem! wouldnt the young gentlemen just step down for a taste? By all manes! was chimed at once; their hats were mounted in a moment, and off they set.

Terence Conways farm was soon reached; the barn affording the most accommodation for the numerous visitors, was fitted up for the occasion. It was nearly full, as Terence was a popular manone that didnt grudge the bit and sup, and never turned his back upon friend or foe. Loud and hearty were the cheers of the delighted tenantry, as the three sons of their beloved landlord passed the threshold. The appearance of the stranger was received with no such demonstrations of welcome; on the contrary, there was a sullen silence, soon after broken by suppressed and angry murmurs. These were somewhat appeased by one of the sons introducing his cousin, and endeavouring to joke the peasants into good-humour, by laughingly assuring them his reverence was but a bad drinker, and would not deprive them of much of the poteen; then passing his arm through the parsons, he led the way, as it afterwards turned out, rather unfortunately, to the top of the barn, and there, followed by his brothers, they took their seats.

The entrance of the Catholic priest (a most amiable man) at this moment attracted the entire attention of the party, during which time Tim Carroll elbowed his way to the place where his master was seated, and calling him partially aside, whispered, Master John, dear, tell his riverence, Master Richard, to go.

What for?

Sure, is not he entirely in black?

Well, what of it?

What of it? Houly Paul! the likes o that! If my skin was as hard as a misers heart, I wouldnt put it into a black coat, and come to a wedding in it; its the devils own bad omen, and nothing else!

You are right! What a fool I was not to tell Dick! Cousin, a word!

Here the clamour became somewhat louder, the priest taking an active part, and speaking rapidly and earnestly in their native tongue to the evidently excited peasantry. He suddenly broke from them, and hastening to the Protestant clergyman, grasped his hand, and, shaking it heartily, wished him health, long life, and happiness: and lifting a tumbler of punch to his lips, drank off nearly half its contents, exclaiming the customary, God save all here! He then presented the liquor to the stranger, saying in a low earnest voice, Drink that toast, sir!

This order was instantly complied with. The clear tones of the young mans unfaltering voice and the hearty cordiality of his utterance had a singular effect upon the more turbulent; the priest passed rapidly from the one to the other, and endeavoured to say something pleasant to all, but, despite his attempts at calmness, he was evidently ill at ease.

Tim Carroll again sidled up to his young master.

The boys mane harrum, sir, said Tim; but never mind, theres five of us here. Weve not been idle, weve all been taking pick o the sticks, and divil a stroke falls upon one of the ould ancient family widout showing a bruck head or a flat back for it.

What am I to understand by this? inquired the young stranger.

That youre like Tom Fergusson when he rode the losing horseyouve mounted the wrong colour; and, be dad, you are pretty well marked down for it, sir; but never mind, theres Tim Carroll looking as black as the inside of a sut-bag. Let him come on! he peeled the skin off them shins o mine at futball; maybe, I wont trim his head with black thorn for that same, if hes any ways obstropolis this blessed night.

Silence, sir! neither my inclination nor sacred calling will allow me to countenance a broil! I have been the first offenderto attempt to leave the room now would but provoke an attack; leave this affair to me, and dont interfere.

By the powers! if man or mortal lifts his hand to injure you, Ill smash the soul out of him! Do you think, omen or no omen, Ill stand by and see you harmed?not a bit of it! If you are a parson and a child of peace, I have the honour to be a soldier, and claim my right to battle in your cause.

Maugre the pacific tone of the unfortunately-accoutered ecclesiastic, there was something of defiance in his flashing eye and crimson cheek, as he turned his brightening glance upon what might almost be called the host of his foes; and the nervous pressure which returned the grasp of his cousins sinewy hand, spoke something more of readiness for battle than could have been gathered from his expressed wishes.

If, Jack, it comes to that, why, as human nature is weakexcuse what I may feel compelled to do; but for the present pray oblige me by keeping your seat and the peace; or, if you must move and fidget about, go and make that pugnacious Tim Carroll as decent as you can.

Ill be advised by you, Dick; but look out! So saying, the stalwart young officer bustled his way to the uproarious Tim.

It was well he did so, or bloodshed must have ensued, as at that moment a tall and powerful man, brother-in-law to the bride, lifted his stick, and after giving it the customary twirl aimed a point-blank blow at the head of the ill-omened parson. The bound of an antelope brought the girl to the spot; her small hand averted the direction of the deadly weapon, and before the action had been perceived by any present, or the attempt could be resumed, she dropped a curtesy to the assailant, and in a loud voice, with an affected laugh, exclaimed

You, if you plaise, sir; and, turning quickly to the fiddler, continued: Any tune you like, Mr. Murphy, sir; but, good luck to you, be quick, or we wont have a dance to-night!

Clear the floor!a dance! a dance! shouted every one.

In a few seconds the angry scowl had passed from the flushed cheeks of Dan Sheeny, and there he was, toe and heeling, double shuffling, and cutting it over the buckle, to the admiration of all beholders. The bride was seated near the strangerhe perceived this, and suddenly quitting his place, danced up to her, and nodding, as he stopped for a moment, invited her to join him. She was ever light of foot, and, as she said afterwards, would have danced her life out but shed give the poor young gentleman a chance. Long and vigorously did Dan Sheeny advance, retire, curvette, and caper. The whiskey and exertion at length overcame him, and he left the lady sole mistress of the floor. By this time murmurs had again arisen, and all eyes were turned upon the intruder, who had been intently engaged observing the dancers. It was an accomplishment for which he had been celebrated previous to his taking orders, and the old feeling so strongly interested him, that he was absorbed in the pleasure of witnessing the activity and joyousness of the performers. He turned his head for an instanta heavy hand was laid upon his shoulder. On his starting up, he saw nothing but the smiling Norah pressing the arm of a tall peasant, and curtseying him a challenge to join her on the floor. He paused for a moment, then gaily taking her hand, advanced with her to the centre. All eyes were bent upon them, but there was no restraint in the young parsons manner. The most popular jig-tune was called forto it they went; his early-taught and well-practised feet beat living echoes to the most rapid bars. A foot of ground seemed ample space for all the intricate compilation of the raal Conamera capers. The tune was changed again and again; again and again was his infinity of steps adapted to its varying sounds: to use a popular phrase, you might have heard a pin drop. Every mouth was closed, every eye fixed upon his rapid feet; and, when at length wearied with exertion, the almost fainting girl was falling to the earth, her gallant partner caught her in his arms, and, like an infant, bore her to the open air, one loud and general cheer burst from their unclosed lips; a few moments restored the pretty lass to perfect health. Her first words were, Leave me, sir, and save yourself. It was too late; borne on the shoulders of the admiring mob, who, despite his suit of sables (now rendered innoxious by the varying colour of the crimson kerchief the young bride bound round his neck), he was soon seated in the chair of honour, and there, surrounded by his friends, finished the night the lion of the dance. And thus it was that his Reverences heels took steps to preserve his head.FUSBOS

[pg 118] TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT. OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY, SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS INSTITUTION. (Continued from our last.)

An important and advantageous arrangement in the transactions of the society, since its foundation, has been the institution of the classes for the acquisition of a general smattering of everything, more especially as concerning the younger branches of society. It is, however, much to be regretted, that the public examination of the juvenile members, upon the subjects they had listened to during the past course, did not turn out so well as the committee could have wished. The various professors had taken incredible pains to teach the infant philosophers correct answers to the separate questions that would be asked them, in order that they might reply with becoming readiness. Unfortunately the examiner began at the wrong end of the class, and threw them all out, except the middle one. We sub-join a few of the questions:

State the distance, in miles, from the Hanwell Lunatic Asylum to the Tuesday in Easter week, and show how long a man would be going from one to the other, if he travelled at the rate of four gallons a minute.

Required to know the advantages of giving tracts to poor people who cannot read, and how many are equivalent to a sliding-scale penny buster, in the way of nourishment.

Was Lord John Russell in his Windsor uniform, ever mistaken for a two- penny postman; if so, what great man imagined the affinity?

A smoking, drinking sailor sits atop a telescope marked 'BACCA'. The School of Design and Drawing has made very creditable progress, and the subscribers will be gratified in learning, that one of the pupils sent in a design for the Nelson Testamonial, which would in all probability have been accepted, had not the decision been made in the usual preconcerted underhand manner. Following the columnar idea of Mr. Railton, our talented pupil had put forth a peculiarly appropriate idea: the shaft would have been formed by a sea-telescope of gigantic proportions, pulled out to its utmost extent. On the summit of this Nelson would have been seated, as on the maintop, smoking his pipe, from which real smoke would have issued. This would have been produced by a stove at the bottom of the column, whose object was to furnish a steady supply of baked potatoes, uninfluenced by the fluctuations of the market, to the cabmen of Trafalgar-square, and the street-sweepers at Charing-cross. The artist who designed the elegant structure at Kings- cross, which partakes so comprehensively of the attributes of a pump, a watch-house, a lamp-post, and a turnpike, would have superintended its erection, and a carved figure-head might have been purchased, for a mere song, to crown the elevation. It would not have much mattered whether the image was intended for Nelson or not, because, from its extreme elevation, no one, without a spy-glass, could have told one character from anotherThiers from Lord John Russell, George Steevens from Shakspere, Muntz from the Duke of Brunswick, or anybody else.

THE MUSEUM. The museum of the institution has been gradually increasing in valuable additions, and donations are respectfully requested from families having any dust-collecting articles about their houses which they are anxious to get rid of.

The first curiosities presented were, of course, those which have formed the nucleus of every museum that was ever established, and consisted of South Sea Islanders paddles and spears, North American mocassins and tomahawks, and Sandwich (not in Kent, but in the Pacific Ocean) canoes and fishing-tackle. In addition, we have received the following, which the society beg to acknowledge:

The jaw-bone of an animal, supposed to be a cow, found two feet below the surface, in digging for the Great Western Railway, near Slough.

Farthing, penny, and sixpence, of the reign of George the Fourth.

Piece of wood from the red-funnel steam-boat sunk off the Isle of Dogs, in August, 1841, which had been under water nearly six days.

A variety of articles manufactured from the above, sufficient to build a boat twelve times the size, may be purchased of the librarian.

A floor-tile, in excellent preservation, from the old Hookham-cum-Snivey workhouse kitchen, before the new union was built.

Specimens of pebbles collected from the gravel-pits at Highgate, and a valuable series of oyster-shells, discovered the day after Bartholomew- fair, near the corner of Cock-lane.

A small lizard, caught in the Regents-park, preserved in gin-and-water, in a soda-water bottle, and denominated by the librarian a heffut.

LIBRARY. Advertisement half of a Times newspaper for March, 1838.

Playbill of the English Opera during Balfes management, supposed to be that of the memorable night when 16l. 4s. was taken, in hard cash, at the doors.

View of the Execution of the late Mr. Greenacre in front of Newgate, published by Catnach, from a drawing by an unknown artist. (Very rare!)

MS. pantomime, refused at the Haymarket, entitled Harlequin and the Hungarian Daughter; or, All My Eye and Betty Martinuzzi, with the whole of the songs, choruses, and incidental combats and situations. Presented by the author, in company with a receipt for red and green fire.

Bound copy of Sermons preached at Hookham-cum-Snivey Church, by the Reverend Peter Twaddle, on the occasions, of building a dusthole for the national schools; of outfitting the missionaries who are exported annually to be eaten by the Catawampous Indians; on the death of Mr. Grubly, the retired cheesemonger, who endowed the weathercock; and in aid of the funds of the newly-born-baby-clothes-bag-and-basket- institution: printed at the desire of his, he fears, in this instance, too partial parishioners, and presented by himself.

OUR FOREIGN RELATIONS. The treaty of the four powers, to which Chelsea, Battersea, Brompton, and Wandsworth are parties, and from which Pimlico has hitherto obstinately stood aloof, has at length been ratified by the re-entry of that impetuous suburb into the general views of Middlesex. We have now a right to call upon Pimlico to disarm, and to cut off its extra watchman with a promptitude that shall show the sincerity with which it has joined the neighbouring powers in the celebrated treaty of Kensington. It is already known that, by this document, Moses Hayley is recognised as hereditary beadle, and Abraham Parker is placed in undisturbed possession of the post of waterman on the coach-stand in the outskirts. We are not among those who expect to find a spirit of propagandism prevailing in the policy of the powers of Pimlico. The lamplighter who lights the district is a man of sound discernment, and there is everything to hope from the moderation he has always exhibited.

SIBTHORP ON THE CORN LAW. Sibthorp came out in full fig at Sir Robert Peels dinner. While he was having his hair curled, and the irons were heating, he asked the two-penny operator what was his opinion of the corn-law question. The barbers answer suggested the following con.:

Why am I like a man eating a particular sort of fancy bread?Because, answered the tonsor, you are having

A man gets his hair styled. A TWOPENNY TWIST

This reply made the Colonels hair stand on end, taking it quite out of curl.

FISH SAUCE. The boy Jones, in one of his visits to the Palace, to avoid detection, secreted himself up the kitchen chimney. The intense heat necessary for the preparation of a large dish of white-bait for her Majestys dinner compelled him to relax his hold, and in an instant he was precipitated among the Blackwall delicacies. The indignant cook immediately demanded his business there. Dont you see, observed the younker, Im

A boy tumbles into a large frying pan. ONE OF THE FRY?

[pg 119] PUNCHS INFORMATION FOR THE PEOPLE. NO. 4. NATURAL HISTORY. Definition.The history of naturalswhich chiefly include the human speciesand of simples (herbs), occupies the branch of science we are about to enlighten our readers upon. It treats, in fact, of animated nature; while physical historyinstead of being the history of Apothecaries Hall, as many supposedeals exclusively with inanimate matter.

Of genus, species, and orders.If, in the vegetable world, we commence with the buttercup, and trace all the various kinds and sizes of plants that exist, up to the pine (Norwegian), and down again to the hautboy (Cormacks Princesses); if, among the lower animals, we begin with a gnat and go up to an elephant, or select from the human species a Lord John Russell, and place him beside a professor Whewell, we shall see that nature provides an endless variety of all sorts of everything. Now, to render a knowledge of everything in natural history as difficult of acquirement as possible to everybody, the scientific world divides nature into the above-mentioned classes, to which Latin names are given. For instance, it would be vulgarly ridiculous to call a cat by its right name; and when one says cat, a dogmatic naturalist is justified in thinking one means a lion or tiger, both these belonging to the category of cats; hence, a cat is denominated, for shortness, felis Ægyptiacus; an ass is turned into a horse, by being an equus; a woman into a man, for with him she is equally homo.

Of this last species it is our purpose exclusively to treat. The variety of it we commence with is,

THE BARBER (homo emollientissimus.TRUEFIT). Physical structure and peculiarities.The most singular peculiarity of the barber is, that although, in his avocations, he always is what is termed a strapper, yet his stature is usually short. His tongue, however, makes up for this deficiency, being remarkably long,a beautiful provision of nature; for while he is seldom called upon to use his legs with rapidity, his lingual organ is always obliged to be on the run. His eyes are keen, and his wits sharp; his mouth is tinged with humour, and his hairparticularly when threatening to be graywith poudre unique. Manner, prepossessing; crop, close; fingers, dirty; toes, turned out. He seldom indulges in whiskers, for his business is to shave.

1. Habits, reproduction, and food.A singular uniformity of habits is observable amongst barbers. They all live in shops curiously adorned with play-bills and pomatum-pots, and use the same formulary of conversation to every new customer. All are politicians on both sides of every subject; and if there happen to be three sides to a question, they take a triangular view of it.

2. Reproduction.Some men are born barbers, others have barberism thrust upon them. The first class are brought forth in but small numbers, for shavers seldom pair. The second take to the razor from disappointment in trade or in love. This is evident, from the habits of the animal when alone, at which period, if observed, a deep, mysterious, melo-dramatic gloom will be seen to overspread his countenance. He is essentially a social being; company is as necessary to his existence as beards.

3. Food.Upon this subject the most minute researches of the most prying naturalists have not been able to procure a crumb of information. That the barber does eat can only be inferred; it cannot be proved, for no person was ever known to catch him in the act; if he does masticate, he munches in silence and in secret11. Not so of drinking. Only last week we saw, with our own eyes, a pot of ale in a barbers shop; and very good ale it was, too, for we tasted it..

Geographical distribution of barbers.Although the majority of barbers live near the pole, they are pretty diffusely disseminated over the entire face of the globe. The advance of civilization has, however, much lessened their numbers; for we find, wherever valets are kept, barbers are not; and as the magnet turns towards the north, they are attracted to the east. In St. Jamess, the shavers occupations gone; but throughout the whole of Wapping, the distance is very short

A man is hit on the head by a barber pole. FROM POLE TO POLE.

A LECTURE ON MORALITY.BY PUNCH. Moral philosophers are the greatest fools in the world. I am a moral philosopher; I am no fool though. Who contradicts me? If any, speak, and come within reach of my cudgel. I am a moral philosopher of a new school. The schoolmaster is abroad, and I am the schoolmaster; but if anybody says that I am abroad, I will knock him down. I am at home. And now, good people, attend to me, and you will hear something worth learning.

The reason why I call all moral philosophers fools is, because they have not gone properly to work. Each has given his own peculiar notions, merely, to the world. Now, different people have different opinions: some like apples, and others prefer another sort of fruit, with which, no doubt, many of you are familiar. Who shall decide when doctors disagree?

My system of morality is the result of induction. I am very fond of BaconI mean, the Bacon recommended to you by the Society for the Diffusion of Useful KnowledgeLord Bacon. I therefore study the actions of mankind, and draw my inferences accordingly. The people whose conduct I attend to are those who get on best in the world; for the object of all morality is to make ourselves happy, and as long as we are so, what, my good friends, does it signify?

The first thing that you must do in the study of morals is, to get rid of all prejudices. Bacon and I quite agree upon this point. By prejudices I mean your previous notions concerning right and wrong.

Dr. Johnson calls morality the doctrine of the duties of life. In this definition I agree. The doctor was a clever man. I very much admire the knock-down arguments that he was so fond of; it is the way in which I usually reason myself. Now the duties of life are two-foldour duty to others and our duty to ourselves. Our duty to ourselves is to make ourselves as comfortable as possible; our duty to others, is to make them assist us to the best of their ability in so doing. This is the plan on which all respectable persons act, and it is one which I have always followed myself. What are the consequences? See how popular I am; and, what is more, observe how fat I have got! Here is a corporation for you! Here is a leg! What think you of such a cap as this? and of this embroidered coat? Who says that I am not a fine fellow, and that my system is not almost as fine? Let him argue the point with me, if he dare!

Happiness consists in pursuing our inclinations without disturbance, and without getting into trouble. Make it, then, your first rule of conduct always to do exactly as you please; that is, if you can. I am not like other moralists, who talk in one way and act in another. What I advise you to do, is nothing more than what I practise myself, as you have very often observed, I dare say.

Be careful to show, invariably, a proper respect for the laws; that is to say, when you do anything illegal, take all the precautions that you can against being found out. Here, perhaps, my example is somewhat at variance with my doctrine; but I am stronger, you know, than the executive, and therefore, instead of my respecting it, it ought to respect me.

Be sure to keep a quiet conscience. In order that you may secure this greatest of blessings, never allow yourselves to regret any part of your past behaviour; and whenever you feel tempted to do so, take the readiest means that you can think of to banish reflection, or, as Lord Byron very properly terms it

The blight of life, the demon Thought!

You have observed that, after having knocked anybody on the head, I generally begin to dance and sing. This I do, not because I am troubled with any such weakness as remorse, but in order to instruct you. I do not mean to say that you are to conduct yourselves precisely in the same manner under similar circumstances; a pipe, or a pot, or a pinch of snuffin short, any means of diversionwill answer your purpose equally well.

Adhere strictly to truthwhenever there is no occasion for lying. Be particularly careful to conceal no one circumstance likely to redound to your credit. But when two principles clash, the weaker, my good people, must, as the saying is, go to the wall. If, therefore, it be to your interest to lie, do so, and do it boldly. No one would wear false hair who had hair of his own; but he who has none, must, of course, wear a wig. I do not see any difference between false hair and false assertions; and I think a lie a very useful invention. It is like a coat or a pair of breeches, it serves to clothe the naked. But do not throw your falsifications away: I like a proper economy. Some silly persons would have you invariably speak the truth. My friends, if you were to act in this way, in what department of commerce could you succeed? How could you get on in the law? what vagabond would ever employ you to defend his cause? What practice do you think you would be likely to procure as a physician, if you were to tell every old woman who fancied herself ill, that there was nothing the matter with her, or to prescribe abstinence to an alderman, as a cure for indigestion? What would be your prospect in the church, where, not to mention a few other little trifles, you would have, when you came to be made a bishop, to say that you did not wish to be any such thing? No, my friends, truth is all very well when the telling of it is convenient; but when it is not, give me a bouncing lie. But that one lie, object the advocates of uniform veracity, will require twenty more to make it good: very well, then, tell them. Ever have a due regard to the sanctity of oaths; this you will evince by never using them to support a fiction, except on high and solemn occasions, such as when you are about to be invested with some public dignity. But avoid any approach to a superstitious veneration for them: it is to keep those thin-skinned and impracticable individuals who are infected by this failing from the management of public affairs, that they have been, in great measure, devised.

Never break a promise, unless bound to do so by a previous one; and promise yourselves from this time forth never to do anything that will put you to inconvenience.

[pg 120] Never take what does not belong to you. For, as a young pupil who formerly attended these lectures pathetically expressed himself, he furnishing, at the time, in his own person, an illustration of the maxim

Him as prigs wot isnt hisn,

Ven as cotch must go to prisn!

But what is it that does not belong to you? I answer, whatever you cannot take with impunity. Never fail, however, to appropriate that which the law does not protect. This is a duty which you owe to yourselves. And in order that you may thoroughly carry out this principle, procure, if you can, a legal education; because there are a great many flaws in titles, agreements, and the like, the knowledge of which will often enable you to lay hands upon various kinds of property to which at first sight you might appear to have no claim. Should you ever be so circumstanced as to be beyond the control of the law, you will, of course, be able to take whatever you want; because there will be nothing then that will not belong to you. This, my friends, is a grand moral principle; and, as illustrative of it, we have an example (as schoolboys say in their themes) in Alexander the Great; and besides, in all other conquerors that have ever lived, from Nimrod down to Napoleon inclusive.

Speak evil of no one behind his back, unless you are likely to get anything by so doing. On the contrary, have a good word to say, if you can, of everybody, provided that the person who is praised by you is likely to be informed of the circumstance. And, the more to display the generosity of your disposition, never hesitate, on convenient occasions, to bestow the highest eulogies on those who do not deserve them.

Be abstemiousin eating and drinking at your own expense; but when you feed at another persons, consume as much as you can possibly digest.

Let your behaviour be always distinguished by modesty. Never boast or brag, when you are likely to be disbelieved; and do not contradict your superiorsthat is to say, when you are in the presence of people who are richer than yourselves, never express an opinion of your own.

Live peaceably with all mankind, if you can; but, as you cannot, endeavor, as the next best thing, to settle all disputes as speedily as possible, by coming, without loss of time, to blows; provided always that the debate promises to be terminated, by reason of your superior strength, in your own favour, and that you are not likely to be taken up for knocking another person down. It is very true that I, individually, never shun this kind of discussion, whatever may be the strength and pretensions of my opponent; but then, I enjoy a consciousness of superiority over the whole world, which you, perhaps, may not feel, and which might, in some cases, mislead you. I think, however, that a supreme contempt for all but yourselves is a very proper sentiment to entertain; and, from what I observe of the conduct of certain teachers, I imagine that this is what is meant by the word humility. You must, nevertheless, be careful how you display it; do so only when you see a probability of overawing and frightening those around you, so as to make them contributors to the great aim of your existenceself-gratification.

Be firm, but not obstinate. Never change your mind when the result of the alteration would be detrimental to your comfort and interest; but do not maintain an inconvenient inflexibility of purpose. Do not, for instance, in affairs of the heart, simply because you have declared, perhaps with an oath or two, that you will be constant till death, think it necessary to make any effort to remain so. The case stands thus: you enter into an agreement with a being whose aggregate of perfections is expressible, we will say, by 20. Now, if they would always keep at that point, there might be some reason for your remaining unaltered, namely, your not being able to help it. But suppose that they dwindle down to 19-1/2, the person, that is, the whole sum of the qualities admired, no longer exists, and you, of course, are absolved from your engagement. But mind, I do not say that you are justified in changing only in case of a change on the opposite side: you may very possibly become simply tired. In this case, your prior promise to yourself will absolve you from the performance of the one in question.

And now, my good friends, before we part, let me beg of you not to allow yourselves to be diverted from the right path by a parcel of cant. You will hear my system stigmatised as selfish; and I advise you, whenever you have occasion to speak of it in general society, to call it so too. You will thus obtain a character for generosity; a very desirable thing to have, if you can get it cheap. Selfish, indeed! is not self the axis of the earth out of which you were taken? The fact is, good people, that just as notions the very opposite of truth have prevailed in matters of science, so have they, likewise, in those of morals. A set of impracticable doctrines, under the name of virtue, have been preached up by your teachers; and it is only fortunate that they have been practised by so few; those few having been, almost to a man, poisoned, strangled, burnt, or worse treated, for their pains.

But here comes the police, to interfere, as usual, with the dissemination of useful truths. Farewell, my good people; and whenever you are disposed for additional instruction, I can only say that I shall be very happy to afford it to you for a reasonable consideration.

A BOWER OF BLISS IN STANGATE. Oh, fly to the Bowerfly with me.OLD OR NEW SONG (I forget which).

If you take a walk over Waterloo-bridge, and, after going straight on for some distance, turn to the right, you will find yourself in the New- Cut, where you may purchase everything, from a secretaire-bookcase to a saveloy, on the most moderate terms possible. The tradesmen of the New- Cut are a peculiar class, and the butchers, in particular, seem to be brimming over with the milk of human kindness, for every female customer is addressed as My love, while every male passer-by is saluted with the friendly greeting of Now, old chap, what can I do for you? The greengrocers in this happy land earnestly invite the ladies to pull away at the mountains of cabbages which their sheds display, while little boys on the pavement offer what they playfully designate a plummy haporth, of onions to the casual passenger.

At the end of the New-Cut stands the Marsh-gate, which, at night, is all gas and ghastliness, dirt and dazzle, blackguardism and brilliancy. The illumination of the adjacent gin-palace throws a glare on the haggard faces of those who are sauntering outside. Having arrived thus far, watch your opportunity, by dodging the cabs and threading the maze of omnibuses, to effect a crossing, when you will find Stangate-street, running out, as some people say, of the Westminster-road; though of the fact that a street ever ran out of a road, we take leave to be sceptical.

Well, go on down this Stangate-street, and when you get to the bottom, you will find, on the left-hand, THE BOWER! And a pretty bower it is, not of leaves and flowers, but of bricks and mortar. It is not

A bower of roses by Bendermeres stream,

With the nightingale singing there all the day long;

In the days of my childhood twas like a sweet dream,

To sit mid the roses and hear the birds song.

That bower, and its music, I never forget:

But oft, when alone, at the close of the year,

I think is the nightingale singing there yet,

Are the roses still fresh by the calm Bendermere?

No, there is none of this sentimental twaddle about the Bower to which we are alluding. There are no roses, and no nightingale; but there are lots of smoking, and plenty of vocalists. We will paraphrase Moore, since we can hardly do less, and we may say, with truth,

Theres a Bower in Stangates respectable street,

Theres a company acting there all the night long;

In the days of my childhood, egadwhat a treat!

To listen attentive to some thundering song.

That Bower and its concert I never forget;

But oft when of halfpence my pockets are clear,

I think, are the audience sitting there yet,

Still smoking their pipes, and imbibing their beer?

Upon entering the door, you are called on to pay your money, which is threepence for the saloon and sixpence for the boxes. The saloon is a large space fitted up something like a chapel, or rather a court of justice; there being in front of each seat a species of desk or ledge, which, in the places last named would hold prayer-books or papers, but at the Bower are designed for tumblers and pewter-pots. The audience, like the spirits they imbibe, are very much mixed; the greater portion consisting of respectable mechanics, while here and there may be seen an individual, who, from his seedy coat, well-brushed four-and-nine hat, highly polished but palpably patched highlows, outrageously shaved face and absence of shirt collar, is decidedly an amateur, who now and then plays a part, and as he is never mistaken for an actor on the stage, tries when off to look as much like one as possible.

The boxes are nothing but a gallery, and are generally visited by a certain class of ladies who resemble angels, at least, in one particular, for they are few and far between.

But what are the entertainments? A miscellaneous concert, in which the first tenor, habited in a surtout, with the tails pinned back, to look like a dress-coat, apostrophises his pretty Jane, and begs particularly to know her reason for looking so sheyivulgo, shy. Then there is the bass, who disdains any attempt at a body-coat, but honestly comes forward in a decided bearskin, and, while going down to G, protests emphatically that Hes on the C (sea). Then there is the prima donna, in a pink gauze petticoat, over a yellow calico slip, with lots of jewels (sham), an immense colour in the very middle of the cheek, but terribly chalked just about the mouth, and shouting the Soldier tired, with a most insinuating simper at the corporal of the Foot-guards in front, who returns the compliment by a most outrageous leer between each whiff of his tobacco-pipe.

Then comes an Overture by the band, which is a little commonwealth, in which none aspires to lead, none condescends to follow. At it they go indiscriminately, and those who get first to the end of the composition, strike in at the point where the others happen to have arrived; so that, if they proceed at sixes and sevens, they generally contrive to end in unison.

Occasionally we are treated with Musards Echo quadrilles, when the solos are all done by the octave flute, so are all the echoes, and so is everything but the cada.