Chapter XXXIX: Act III: , in which we find that, fortune having shuffled the cards, and (2)

The learned counsel said he would call witnesses to prove the blissful atmosphere in which the parties lived, until the defendant, like a domestic upas-tree, tainted and polluted it. That van was another Eden, until PUNCH, the serpent, entered. The lady was a native of Switzerlandyes, of Switzerland. Oh, that he (the learned gentleman) could follow her to her early home!that he could paint her with the first blush and dawn of innocence, tinting her virgin cheek as the morning sun tinted the unsullied snows of her native Jungfrau!that he could lead the gentlemen of the jury to that Swiss cottage where the gentle Félicité (such was the ladys name) lisped her early prayerthat he could show them the mountains that had echoed with her songs (since made so very popular by Madame Stockhausen)that he could conjure up in that court the goats whose lacteal fluid was wont to yield to the pressure of her virgin fingersthe kids that gambolled and made holiday about herthe birds that whistled in her paththe streams that flowed at her feetthe avalanches, with their majestic thunder, that fell about her. Would he could subpoena such witnesses! then would the jury feel, what his poor words could never make them feelthe loss of his injured client. On one hand would be seen the simple Swiss maidena violet among the rocksa mountain dovean inland pearla rainbow of the glaciersa creature pure as her snows, but not as cold; and on the other the fallen wifea monument of shame! This was a commercial country; and the jury would learn with additional horror that it was in the sweet confidence of a commercial transaction that the defendant obtained access to his interesting victim. Yes, gentlemen, (said Mr. P.,) it was under the base, the heartless, the dastardly excuse of business, that the plaintiff poured his venom in the ear of a too confiding woman. He had violated the sacred bonds of human societythe noblest ties that hold the human heartthe sweetest tendrils that twine about human affections. This should be shown to the jury. Letters from the plaintiff would be read, in which his heartor rather that ace of spades he carried in his breast and called his heartwould be laid bare in open court. But the gentlemen of the jury would teach a terrible lesson that day. They would show that the socialist should not guide his accursed bark into the tranquil seas of domestic comfort, and anchor it upon the very hearthstone of conjugal felicity. Noas the gentlemen of the jury were husbands and fathers, as they were fathers and not husbands, as they were neither one nor the other, but hoped to be boththey would that day hurl such a thunderbolt at the pocket of the defendantthey would so thrice-gild the incurable ulcers of the plaintiff, that all the household gods of the United Empire would hymn them to their mighty rest, and Hymen himself keep continual carnival at their amaranthine hearths. Gentlemen of the jury (said the learned counsel in conclusion), I leave you with a broken heart in your hands! A broken heart, gentlemen! Creations masterpiece, flawed cracked, SHIVERED TO BITS! See how the blood flows from itmark where its strings are cut and cutits delicate fibres violatedits primitive aroma evaporated to all the winds of heaven. Make that heart your own, gentlemen, and say at how many pounds you value the demoniac damage. And oh, may your verdict still entitle you to the blissful confidence of that divine, purpureal sex, the fairest floral specimens of which I see before me! May their unfolding fragrance make sweet your daily bread; and when you die, from the tears of conjugal love, may thyme and sweet marjoram spring and blossom above your graves!

Here the emotion of the court was unparalleled in the memory of the oldest attorney. Showers of tears fell from the gallery, so that there was a sudden demand for umbrellas.

The learned counsel sat down, and, having wiped his eyes, ate a sandwich.

There were other letters, but we have selected the least glowing. Mr. Charles Phillips then called his witnesses.

Peter Snooks examined: Was employed by plaintiff; recollected defendant coming to the van to propose a speculation, in which Madame Bonbon was to play with him. Defendant came very often when plaintiff was out. Once caught Madame Bonbon on defendants knee. Once heard Madame Bonbon say, Bless your darling nose! Was sure it was defendants nose. Was shocked at her levity, but consented to go for ginMadame found the money. Had a glass myself, and drank their healths. Plaintiff never beat his wife; he couldnt: they were of very uneven habits; she was seven feet four, plaintiff was four feet seven.

Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Plaintiff was dreadfully afflicted at infidelity of his wife: had become quite desperatenever sober since; was never sober before. On first night of the news plaintiff was quite delirious; took six plates of alamode beef, and two pots of porter.

Sarah Pillowcase examined: Was chambermaid at the Tinder-box and Flint, New Cut; had known defendant since she was a childalso knew plaintiffs wife. They came together on the 1st of April, about twelve at night. Understood they had been in a private box at the Victoria with an order. They had twelve dozen of oysters for supper, and eight Welch-rabbits: the lady found the money. Thought, of course, they were married, or would rather have died than have served them. They made a hearty breakfast: the lady found the money.

Cross-examined by Mr. Adolphus: Would swear to the lady, as she had once paid a shilling to see her.

(Here it was intimated by the learned judge that ladies might leave the court if they chose; it was evident, however, that no lady heard such intimation, as no lady stirred.)

Cross-examination continued: Yes, would swear it. Knew the obligation of an oath, and would swear it.

This ended the case for the plaintiff.

Mr. ADOLPHUS addressed the court for the defendant. He had not the golden tongueno, he was not blessed with the oratory of his learned friend. He would therefore confine himself to the common sense view of the question. He was not talking to Arcadian shepherds (he was very happy to see his own butcher in the jury-box), but to men of business. If there had been any arts practised, it was on the side of the plaintiffs wife. His client had visited the plaintiff out of pure compassion. The plaintiffs show was a failing concern; his client, with a benevolence which had marked his long career, wished to give him the benefit of his own attractions, joined to those of the woman. Well, the plaintiff knew the value of money, and therefore left his wife and the defendant to arrange the affair between them. Gentlemen of the jury, continued the learned counsel, it must appear to you, that on the part of the plaintiff this is not an affair of the heart, but a matter of the breeches pocket. He leaves his wifea fascinating, versatile creaturewith my client, I confess it, an acknowledged man of gallantry. Well, the result iswhat was to be expected. My learned friend has dwelt, with his accustomed eloquence, on his clients broken heart. I will not speak of his heart; but I must say that the man who, bereaved of the partner of his bosom, can still eat six plates of alamode beef, must have a most excellent stomach. Gentlemen, beware of giving heavy damages in this case, or otherwise you will unconsciously be the promoters of great immorality. This is no paradox, gentlemen; for I am credibly informed that if the man succeed in getting large damages, he will immediately take his wife home to his bosom and his van, and instead of exhibiting her, as he has hitherto done, for one penny, he will, on the strength of the notoriety of this trial, and as a man knowing the curiosity of society, immediately advance that penny to threepence. You will, therefore, consider your verdict, gentlemen, and give such moderate damages as will entirely mend the plaintiffs broken heart.

The jury, without retiring from the box, returned a verdict of Damages One Farthing!

We are credibly informedthough the evidence was not adduced in courtthat Monsieur Bonbon first suspected his dishonour from his wifes hair papers. She had most negligently curled her tresses in the soft paper epistles of her innamorato.

[pg 247] PUNCHS PENCILLINGS.No. XXI. A man with Cupid's wings sits in a chair picking his teeth with an arrow. A quiver is marked 'Protocols' CUPID OUT OF PLACE.

From a Sketch made in THE PALMERSTON GALLERY.

[pg 249] THE FETES FOR THE POLISHAND FATE OF THE BRITISH POOR. Charity begins at home, says, or rather said, an admirable old proverb; but alack! the adage, or the times, or both, are out of jointthe wholesome maxim has lost its forceand homes for Charity must now be far as the Poles asunder, ere the benign influence of the weeping goddess can fall upon its wretched supplicants.

In private life the neglect of a domestic hearth for the vainglorious squandering abroad of the means that could and ought to render that the chief seat of comfort and independence, calls down upon the thoughtless and heartless squanderer and abuser of his means the just indignation and merited contempt of every thinking and properly constituted mind. The Charity that does not begin at home is the worst species of unjustifiable prodigality, and the first step to the absolute ruin of the nearest and dearest for the sake of the profligate and abandoned. And no sophistry can justify the apparent liberality that deprives others of their just and urgent dues.

It may be and is most noble to feed the widow and to clothe the orphan; but where is the beneficence of the deed if the wife and children of the ostentatious donorthe victims of the performance of such actsare left themselves to endure misery and privations, from which his inadequate means cannot exempt the stranger and the givers own household!

The sparrow who unwittingly rears the cuckoos spurious offspring, tending with care the ultimate destroyer of its own young, does so in perfect ignorance of the results about to follow the misplaced affection. The cravings of the interloper are satisfied to the detriment of its own offspring; and when the full-fledged recipient of its misplaced bounty no longer needs its aid, the thankless stranger wings its way on its far-off course, selfishly careless of the fostering bird that brought it into life; and this may be looked upon as one of the results generally attendant upon a blind forgetfulness of where our first endeavours for the amelioration of the wants of others should be made.

It has ever been the crying sin of the vastly sympathetic to weep for the miseries of the distant, and blink at the wretchedness their eyesif not their heartsmust ache to see. Their charity must have its proper stage, their sentiments the proper objects,and their imaginations the undisturbed right to revel in the supposititious grievances of the far- off wretched and oppressed. The poor black man! the tortured slave! the benighted infidel! the debased image of his maker! the sunken bondsman! These terms must be the Open sesame for the breasts from whence spring bibles, bribes, blankets, glass beads, pocket-combs, tracts, teachers, missions, and missionaries. Oppression is what they would put down; but then the oppression must be of foreign manufacture. Your English, genuine home-made article, though as superior in strength and endurance as our own canvas is to the finest fold of gauze-like cambric, is in their opinion a thing not worth a thought. A half oppressed Caffre is an object of ten thousand times more sympathy than a wholly oppressed Englishman; a half-starved Pole the more fitting recipient of the same proportion of actual bounty to a wholly starving peasant of our own land of law and liberty.

Let one-tenth the disgusting details so nobly exposed in the Times newspaper, as to the frightful state of some of our legalised poor law inquisitions, appear as extracts from the columns of a foreign journal, stating such treatment to exist amongst a foreign population, and mark the result. Why, the town would teem with meetings and the papers with speeches. Royal, noble, and honourable chairmen and vice chairmen would launch out their just anathemas against the heartless despots whose realms were disgraced by such atrocities. Think, think of the aged poor torn from their kindred, caged in a prison, refused all aid within, debarred from every hope without,think of the flesh, the very flesh, rotting by slow degrees, and then in putrid masses falling from their wretched bones: think, we say, on thisthen give what name you can, save murder, to their quickly succeeding death.

Fancy childrenchildren that should be in their primeso caged and fed that the result is disease in its most loathsome form, and with all its most appalling consequences! No hope! no flight! The yet untainted, as it were, chained to the spot, with mute despair watching the slow infection, and with breaking hearts awaiting the hourthe momentwhen it must reach to them!

We say, think of these thingsnot as if they were the doings in England, and therefore legalised matters of coursebut think of them as the arts of some despot in a far-off colony, and oh, how all hearts would burnall tongues curse and call for vengeance on the abetors of such atrocities!

The supporters of the rights of man would indeed pour forth their eloquent denunciations against the oppressors of the absent. The poetry of passion would be exhausted to depict the frightful state of the crimeless and venerable victim of tyranny, bowing his grey hairs with sorrow to the grave; while the wailing of the helpless innocents different indeed in colour, but in heart and spirit like ourselves, being sprung from the one great source, would echo throughout the land, and find responses in every bosom not lost to the kindly feelings of good-will towards its fellows! Had the would-be esteemed philanthropists but these foreign cues for passion, they would indeed

Drown the stage with tears,

And cleave the general ear with horrid speech;

Make mad the guilty, and appal the free;

Confound the ignorant; and amaze, indeed,

The very faculties of eyes and ears.

But, alas! there is no such motive; these most destitute of Destitutions children are simply fellow-countrymen and fellow- Christians. Sons of the same soil, and worshippers of the same God, they need no good works in the way of proselyzation to save them from eternal perdition; consequently they receive no help to keep them from temporal torture.

To convince themselves that these remarks are neither unwarrantably severe, nor in the slightest degree overcharged, let our readers not only refer to the revolting doings chronicled in the Times, but let them find the further illustration of this foreign penchant in the recent doings at the magnificently-attended ball given in behalf of the Polish Refugees, and consequently commanding the support of the humane, enlightened, and charitable English; and then let them cast their eyes over the cold shoulder turned towards a proposition for the same act of charity being consummated for the relief of the poverty-stricken and starving families of the destitute and deserving artisans now literally starving under their very eyes, located no farther off than in the wretched locality of Spitalfields! An opinionand doubtless an honest oneis given by the Lord Mayor, that any attempt to relieve their wants, in the way found so efficacious for the Polish Refugees, would be madness, inasmuch as it would, as heretofore, prove an absolute failure. Reader, is there anything of the cuckoo and the sparrow in the above assertion? Is it not true? And if it is so, is it not a more than crying evil? Is it not a most vile blot upon our lawsa most beastly libel upon our creed and our country? Is no relief ever to be given to the immediate objects who should be the persons benefited by our bounty? Are those who, in the prosperity proceeding from their unceasing and ill- paid toil, added their quota to the succour of others, now that poverty has fallen on them, to be left the sport of fortune and the slaves of suffering? Do good, we say, in Gods name, to all, if good can be done to all. But do not rob the lamb of its natural dueits mothers nourishmentto waste it on an alien. There is no spirit of illiberality in these remarks; they are put forward to advocate the rights of our own destitute countrymento claim for them a share of the lavish commiseration bestowed on othersto call attention to the desolation of their hearthsthe wreck of their comfortsthe awful condition of their starving and dependent familiesand to give the really charitable an opportunity of reserving some of their kindnesses for home consumption. Let this be their just object, and not one among the relieved would withhold his mite from their suffering fellows in other climes. But in Heavens name, let the adage root itself once more in every Englishmans heart of hearts, and once more let Charity begin at home!

THE FIRE AT THE ADELPHI THEATRE. Yates was nearly treating the enlightened British public with an antidote to the vast receptacle of 8,000 tons of water, by setting fire to the saloon chimney. Great as the consternation of the audience was in the front, it was far exceeded by the alarm of the actors behind the curtain, for they are so sensible of the managers daring genius, that they concluded he had set fire to the house in order to convert the space usually devoted to illusion into the area of reality. The great Mr. Freeborn actually rushed out of the theatre without his rouge. Little Paul drank off a glass of neat water. Mr. John Sanders was met at the end of Maiden Lane, with his legs thrust into the sleeves of his coat, and the rest of his body encased in the upper part of a property dragon; whilst little round Wilkinson was vainly endeavouring to squeeze himself into a wooden waterspout. Had he succeeded he might have applied for the reward offered by the Royal Society for a method of

A man holds up a broken hoop, part of which has been straightened into an L shape. SQUARING THE CIRCLE.

[pg 250] THE CRIMES OF EATING. Two whales 'kiss' to form a letter S. ir Robert Peel and her Majestys Ministers have, we learn, taken a hint in criminal jurisprudence from his Worship the Mayor of Reading, and are now preparing a bill for Parliament, which they trust will be the means of checking the alarming desire for food which has begun to spread amongst the poorer classes of society. The crime of eating has latterly been indulged in to such an immoderate extent by the operatives of Yorkshire and the other manufacturing districts, that we do not wonder at our sagacious Premier adopting strong measures to suppress the unnatural and increasing appetites of the people.

Taking up the sound judicial views of the great functionary above alluded to, who committed Bernard Cavanagh, the fasting man, to prison for smelling at a saveloy and a slice of ham, Sir Robert has laid down a graduatedwe mean a slidingscale of penalties for the crime of eating, proportioning, with the most delicate skill, the exact amount of the punishment to the enormity of the offence. By his profound wisdom he has discovered that the great increase of crime in these countries is entirely attributable to over-feeding the multitude. Like the worthy Mr. Bumble, in Oliver Twist, he protests it is meat and not madness that ails the people. He can even trace the origin of every felony to the particular kind of food in which the felon has indulged. He detects incipient incendiarism in eggs and fried baconhomicide in an Irish stewrobbery and house-breaking in a basin of mutton-brothand an aggravated assault in a pork sausage. Upon this noble and statesmanlike theory Sir Robert has based a bill which, when it becomes the law of the land, will, we feel assured, tend effectually to keep the rebellious stomachs of the people in a state of wholesome depletion. And as we now punish those offenders who break the Queens peace, we shall, in like manner, then inflict the law upon the hungry scoundrels who dare to break the Queens Fast.

We have been enabled, through a private source, to obtain the following authentic copy of Sir Roberts scale of the offences under the intended Act, with the penalty attached to each, viz.:

For penny rolls or busters Imprisonment not exceeding a week. For bread of any kind, with cheese or butter Imprisonment for a month. For saveloys, German sausages, and Black puddings One month's imprisonment, with hard labour. For a slice of ham, bacon, or meat of any kind Imprisonment for three months, and exercise on the treadmill. For a hearty dinner on beef and pudding Transportation for seven years. For do. with a pot of home-brewed ale. Transportation for life. As these offences apply only to those who have no right to eat, the wealthy and respectable portion of society need be under no apprehension that they will be exposed to any inconvenience by the operation of the new law.

NOBODY CARES AND* WELLINGTON has justified his claim to the sobriquet of the iron Duke by the manner in which he treated the deputation from Paisley. His Grace excused himself from listening to the tale of misery which several gentlemen had travelled 500 miles to narrate to him, on the plea that he was not a Minister of the Crown. Yet we have a right to presume that the Queen prorogued Parliament upon his Graces recommendation, so if he be not one of Peels Cabinet what is he? We suppose

A man who is all nose. * NOBODY NOSE.

HINTS HOW TO ENJOY AN OMNIBUS. On getting in, care neither for toes or knees of the passengers; but drive your way up to the top, steadying yourself by the shoulders, chests, or even faces of those seated.

Seat yourself with a jerk, pushing against one neighbour, and thrusting your elbow into the side of the other. You will thus get plenty of room.

If possible, enter with a stick or umbrella, pointed at full length; so that any sudden move of the bus may thrust it into some ones stomach. It will make you feared.

When seated, occupy, if possible, the room of two, and revenge the treatment you have received on entering, by throwing every opposition in the way of a new-comer, especially if it be a woman with a child in her arms. It is a good plan to rest firmly on your umbrella, with your arms at right angles.

Open or shut windows as it suits you; men with colds, or women with toothaches, have no business in omnibuses. If they dont like it, they can get out; no one forces them to ride.

Young bucks may stare any decent woman out of countenance, put their legs up along the seats, and if going out to dinner, wipe the mud off their boots on the seats. They are only plush.

If middle-aged gentlemen are musical or political, they can dislocate a tune in something between a bark and a grumble, or endeavour to provoke an argument by declaring very loudly that Lord R or the Duke is a thorough scoundrel, according to their opinion of public affairs. If this dont take, they can keep up a perpetual squabble with the conductor, which will show they think themselves of some importance.

Ladies wishing to be agreeable can bring lap dogs, large paper parcels, and children, to whom an omnibus is a ship, though you wish you were out of their reach.

Conductors should particularly aim to take up laundresses returning with a large family washing, bakers and butchers in their working jackets, and, if a wet day, should be particular not to pull up to the pathway.

For want of space, the following brevities must suffice:Never say where you wish to stop until after you have passed the place, and then pull them up with a sudden jerk. Keep your money in your waistcoat-pocket, and button your under and upper coat completely, and never attempt to get at it until the door is opened, and then let it be nothing under a five-shilling piece. Never ask any one to speak to the conductor for you, but hit or poke him with your umbrella or stick, or rap his hand as it rests on the door. He puts it there on purpose. Always stop the wrong omnibus, and ask if the Paddington goes to Walworth, and the Kennington to Whitechapel: you are not obliged to read all the rigmarole they paint on the outside. Finally, consider an omnibus as a carriage, a bed, a public-house, a place of amusement, or a boxing-ring, where you may ride, sleep, smoke, chaff, or quarrel, as it may suit you.

PETER THE GREAT (FOOL?) The following colloquy occurred between a candidate for suicidal fame and the Citys Peter Laureate:

So, sir, you tried to hang yourself, did you?

In course I did, or I should not have put my head in the noose.

You had no business to do so.

I did it for my pleasure, not for business.

Ill let you see, sir, you shant do it either for fun or earnest.

Are you a Tory, Sir Peter?

A Tory, sir! No, sir; Im a magistrate.

Ah, thats why you interfere; you must be a low Rad, or you wouldnt prevent a man from

A man holds a paddle up to a woman. DOING WHAT HE LIKES WITH HIS HONE.

THE WISE MAN OF THE EAST. SIR PETER LAURIE begs Punch to inform him, which of Arabias Children is alluded to in Moores beautiful ballad,

Farewell to thee, Arabys daughter.

He presumes it is Miss Elizabeth, commonly called Bess-Arabia.

[pg 251] SONGS OF THE SEEDY.No. VII. I love the night with its mantle dark,

That hangs like a cloak on the face of the sky;

Oh what to me is the song of the lark?

Give me the owl; and Ill tell you why.

It is that at night I can walk abroad,

Which I may not do in the garish day,

Without being met in the streets, and bored

By some cursed dun, that I cannot pay.

No! no! night let it ever be:

The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!

Then tempt me not with thy soft guitar,

And thy voice like the sound of a silver bell,

To take a stroll, where the cold ones are

Who in lanes, not of trees but of fetters11. Fetter-lane is clearly alluded to by the poet. It is believed to be the bailiffs quarter., dwell.

But wait until night upsets its ink

On the earth, on the sea, and all over the sky,

And then Ill go to the wide worlds brink

With the girl I love, without feeling shy.

Oh, then, may it night for ever be!

The owl! the owl! the owl! is the bird for me!

But you turn aside! Ah! did you know,

What by searching the office youd plainly see,

That Im hunted down, like a (Richard) Roe,

Youd not thus avert your eyes from me.

Oh never did giant look after Thumb

(When the latter was keeping out of the way)

With a more tremendous fee-fo-fum

Than Im pursued by a dread fi-fa.

Too-whit! too-whit! is the owls sad song!

A writ! a writ! a writ! when mid the throng,

Is ringing in my ears the whole day long.

Ah me! night let it be:

The owl! the stately owl! is the birdyes, the bird for me!

POPISH RED-DRESS. The Examiner states that there is no such fabric as scarlet cloth made in Ireland. If this be true, the Lady of Babylon, who is said to reside in that country, and to be addicted to scarlet clothing, must be in a very destitute condition.

A SPOON CASE. A well-dressed individual has lately been visiting the lodging-house keepers of the metropolis. He engages lodgingsbut being, as he says, just arrived from a long journey, he begs to have dinner before he returns to the Coach-Office for his luggage. This request being usually complied with, the new lodger, while the table is being laid, watches his opportunity and bolts with the silver spoons. Sir Peter Laurie says, that since this practice of filching the spoons has commenced, he does not feel himself safe in his own house. He only hopes the thief may be brought before him, and he promises to give him his dessert, by committing him without

Two cats fight over a plate of scraps. STANDING UPON CEREMONY.

A DAB FOR LAURIE. SIR PETER LAURIE, on a recent visit to Billingsgate for the purpose of making what he calls a pisciatery tour, was much astonished at the vigorous performance of various of the real live fish, some of which, as he sagely remarked, appeared to be perfect Dabs at jumping, and no doubt legitimate descendants from some particularly

A satisfied-looking fish smoking a pipe. MERRY OLD SOLE.

SIBTHORPS CORNER. If old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the deficiency?To a gin-palace, because there they re-tail bad spirits.

Mr. G., who has a very ugly wife, named Euphemia, was asked lately why his spouse was the image of himselfand, to his great annoyance, discovered that it was because she was his Effie-G22. I could make better than the above myself. E.G.In what way should Her Majesty stand upon a Bill in Parliament so as to quash it?By putting her V-toe (veto) on it.PRINTERS DEVIL..

I floored Ben-beau DIsraeli the other day with the following:Ben, said I, if I were going to buy a violin, what method should I take to get it cheap? Benjie looked rather more foolish than usual, and gave it up. Why, you ninny, I replied, I should buy an ounce of castor-oil, and then I would get a phial in (violin). I think I had him there.

Why is a female of the canine species suckling her whelps like a philosophic principle?Because she is a dogma (dog-ma).

What part of a horses foot is like an irate governor?The pastern (pa- stern).

Why is the march of a funeral procession like a turnpike?Because it is a toll-gait (toll-gate).

Who is the greatest literary star?The poet-aster.

Why is an Israelite named William Solomons similar to a great public festival?Because he is a Jubilee (Jew-Billy).

Why are polished manners like a pea-jacket?Because they are address (a dress).

Why are swallows like a leap head-over-heels?Because they are a summer set (a somerset).

CUTTING IT RATHER SHORT. The unexpected adjournment of the Court of Queens Bench, by Lord Denman, on last Thursday, has filled the bar with consternation.What is to become of our clients? said Fitzroy Kelly.And of our fees? added the Solicitor General.I feel deeply for my clients, sighed Serjeant Bompas.We all compassionate them, brother, observed Wilde.In short, one and all declare it was a most arbitrary and unprecedented curtailment of their little termand, to say the least of it,

A man sweats while playing a trumpet. A MOST DISTRESSING BLOW.

NATIONAL DISTRESS. The Tee-totallers say that the majority of the people are victims to Bacchus. In the present hard times they are more likely to be victims to

A man holds up an empty jug. JUG O NOUGHT(JUGGERNAUT.)

[pg 252] SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.No. 12. Away! away! ye hopes which stray

Like jeering spectres from the tomb!

Ye cannot light the coming night,

And shall not mock its gathering gloom;

Though dark the cloud shall form my shroud

Though danger league with racking doubt

Away! away! ye shall not stay

When all my joys are up the spout!

I little knew when first ye threw

Your brightning beams on coming hours,

That time would see me turn from thee,

And fly your sweet delusive powers.

Now, nerved to woe, no more Ill know

How hope deferrd makes mortal sick;

The gathering storm may whelm my form,

But I will suffer like a brick!

LAURIES RAILLERY. When Sir Peter Laurie had taken his seat the other morning in that Temple of Momus, the Guildhall Justice Room, he was thus addressed by Payne, the clerkI see, Sir Peter, an advertisement in the Times, announcing the sale of shares in the railroad from Paris to ROUEN; would you advise me to invest a little loose cash in that speculation? Certainly not, replied the Knight, nor in any other railway,depend upon it, they all lead to the same terminus, RUIN. Payne, having exclaimed that this was the best thing he had ever heard, was presented by our own Alderman with a shilling, accompanied with a request that he would get his hair cropped to the magisterial standard.

A MEETING OF OLD ACQUAINTANCES. At the sale of the library of the late Theodore Hook, a curious copy of The Complete Jester was knocked down to our own Colonel. Delighted with his prize, he ran home, intending to lay in a fresh stock of bons mots; but what was his amazement on finding that all the jokes contained in the volume were those with which he has been in the habit of entertaining the public these last forty years! Sibby declares that the sight of so many old friends actually brought the tears into his eyes.

PUNCHS THEATRE. LOVE EXTEMPORE. As the hero of a romantic play is obliged to possess all the cardinal virtues and all the intellectual accomplishments, so the hero of a farce is bound to be a fool. One of the greatest, and at the same time one of the best fools it has been our pleasure to be introduced to for some time is Mr. Titus Livingstone, in the new farce of Love Extempore.

Mr. Titus Livingstone possesses an excellent heart, a good fortune, and an uncommon stock of modesty. His intellects are, however, far from brilliant; indeed, but for one trait in his character he would pass for an idiot,he has had the good sense never as yet to fall in love! In fact, the farce is founded upon that identical incident of his life which occasioned him to suppose that he had taken the tender passion extempore.

Some sort of villany seems absolutely necessary to every species of play. To continue the parallel we commenced with between tragedy and farce, we observe that in the former he is usually such a person as Spinola, in Nina Sforza, whilst a farce-villain turns out to be in most instances an intriguing widow, a lawyer, or a mischievous young lady. The rogue in Love Extempore is Mrs. Courtnay, a widow, who, with the assistance of Sir Harry Nugent, contrives a plot by which the hitherto insensible Livingstone shall fall a victim to love and her friend Prudence Oldstock; with whose mother and sister the widow and her co-intriguant are staying on a visit.

The moment fatal to Livingstones virgin heart and unrestrained liberty arrives. He calls to pay a morning visit, and instantly the deep design is put into execution. Sir Harry begins by a most extravagant puff preliminary of the talents, accomplishments, virtues, beauty, disposition, endowments, and graces belonging to the enchanting Prudence. He and the widow exhibit her drawings,Livingstone is in raptures, or pretends to be (for he is not an ill-bred man). What a piercing expression flashes from those studies of eyes (in chalk)! what an artistical grouping of legs! what a Saracens-head-upon-Snow-hill- like ferocity frowns from that Indian chief!

At this juncture the captivating artist is herself introduced. Mr. Livingstones modesty strikes him into a heap of confusion. He sighs and looks, and looks and sighs again,he does not know what to say, or how to say it; so that the trembling bachelor may become a wise and good lover. He stutters and hems in the utmost distress; to increase which, all his tormentors turn up the stage, leaving him to entertain the lady alone. The sketches naturally suggest a topic, and, plunging in medias res at once, he vehemently praises her legs! The lady is astonished, and the mamma alarmed; but having explained that the allusion was to the drawings, he is afterwards punished for the blunder by being threatened with a song. Though at a loss to find out what he has done to deserve such an infliction, he submits; for he is very sleepy, and sinks into a chair in an attitude of supposed attention, but really in a posture best adapted for a nap. When the song is ended the applause of course comes in; this awakens Livingstone in a fright; he starts, and throws down a harp in his fall.

After this contretemps, the villany of the widow and her ally takes a different turn. In a love affair there are generally two parties; and Miss Prudence has got to be persuaded that she is in love. This it is not difficult to accomplish, she being no more overburdened with penetration than the gentleman they are so kind as to say she is in love with. So far all goes on well: for she is soon convinced that she is enamoured to the last extremity.

Livingstone having a sort of glimmering that the danger so long averted at length impends over himthat he is falling into the trap of love, with every chance of the fall continuing down to the bottomless pit of matrimony, determines to avert the catastrophe by flight. The pair of villains, however, set up a cry of Stop thief, and he is brought back. Sir Harry appeals to his feelings. Good gracious! is he so base, so dishonourable, so heartless, to rob an innocent, unsuspecting, and accomplished girl of her heart, and then wickedly desert her! Oh, no! In short, having already persuaded the poor man that he is in love, Sir Harry convinces him that he would also be a deceiver; and Livingstone would have returned like a lamb to the slaughter but for a new incident.

He has an uncle who is engaged in a law-suit with some of Mrs. Courtnays family. To bring this litigation to an amicable end it has been proposed that Livingstone should marry the widows sister. Here is a discovery! So, the deep widow has been unwittingly plotting against her own sister! Things must be altered; and so they are, in no time, for she persuades the easy hero that Nugent is in love with Prudence himself; but, finding she adores her new lover, has magnanimously given up his claims in his favour. This has the desired effect, for Livingstone will have no such noble sacrifice made on his account. He seeks Sir Harry; who, discovering the double design of the profound widow, talks as immensely magnanimous as they do in classic dramas. In short, both play at Romans till the end of the piece; the hero and heroine being at last fully persuaded that they have each really fallen in Love Extempore!

This idea of persuading two persons into the bonds of loveof having all the courting done at second-hand, is admirably worked out. Livingstone is a well-drawn character; so well, so naturally painted, that he hardly deserves to be the hero of a farce. Although exceedingly soft, he is a well-bred foolthough somewhat fat (for the actor is Mr. David Rees); he is not altogether inelegant. The gentleman who does the theatrical metaphysics in the Morning Herald has described him as a capital specimen of physical obesity and moral teunity,33. Sic, actually, in the dramatic article of that paper, Wednesday, 24th ult. which we quote to save ourselves trouble, for the force of description can no further go. Prudence is also inimitablea march-of-intellect young lady without brains, who knows the names of the five large rivers in America, and how many bones there are in the gills of a turbot. In Miss P. Hortons hands her mechanical acquirements were done ample justice to. The cold unmeaning love scene was rendered mainly by her acting

A man has fallen through ice and stands to his waist in water. A N-ICE SITUATION.

In fine, the farce is altogether a leaven of the best material most cleverly worked up.

A PERFECT VACUUM PROVED. MR. HALSE, the gentleman who has during the last week been lecturing upon Animal Magnetism, having stated that one of his patients, while under the magnetic influence, could see her own inside, the Marquis of Londonderry, anxious to test the truth of the assertion, requested the lecturer to operate upon him, and being thrown into the Mesmeric sleep, looked into the inside of his own head, and declared he could see nothing in it.

A CON BY OCONNER. Why ought the Children of a Thief to be burnt?Because their Pa steals (theyre pastiles).

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 1. DECEMBER 11, 1841. [pg 253] THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT. 11.HOW MR. MUFF CONCLUDES HIS EVENING. A fellow forms a letter E with a bag and a string. ssential as sulphuric acid is to the ignition of the platinum in an hydropneumatic lamp; so is half-and-half to the proper illumination of a Medical Students faculties. The Royal College of Surgeons may thunder and the lecturers may threaten, but all to no effect; for, like the slippers in the Eastern story, however often the pots may be ordered away from the dissecting-room, somehow or other they always find their way back again with unflinching pertinacity. All the world inclined towards beer knows that the current price of a pot of half-and-half is fivepence, and by this standard the Medical Student fixes his expenses. He says he has given three pots for a pair of Berlin gloves, and speaks of a half-crown as a six-pot piece.

Mr. Muff takes the goodly measure in his hand, and decapitating its spuma with his pipe, from which he flings it into Mr. Simpsons face, indulges in a prolonged drain, and commences his narrativemost probably in the following manner:

You know we should all have got on very well if Rapp hadnt been such a fool as to pull away the lanthorns from the place where they are putting down the wood pavement in the Strand, and swear he was a watchman. I thought the crusher saw us, and so I got ready for a bolt, when Manhug said the blocks had no right to obstruct the footpath; and, shoving down a whole wall of them into the street, voted for stopping to play at duck with them. Whilst he was trying how many he could pitch across the Strand against the shutters opposite, down came the pewlice and off we cut.

I had a tight squeak for it, interrupts Mr. Rapp; but I beat them at last, in the dark of the Durham-street arch. Thats a dodge worth being up to when you get into a row near the Adelphi. Fire away, Muffwhere did you go?

Right up a court to Maiden-lane, in the hope of bolting into the Cider- cellars. But they were all shut up, and the fire out in the kitchen, so I ran on through a lot of alleys and back-slums, until I got somewhere in St. Giless, and here I took a cab.

Why, you hadnt got an atom of tin when you left us, says Mr. Manhug.

Devil a bit did that signify. You know I only took the cabId nothing at all to do with the driver; he was all right in the gin-shop near the stand, I suppose. I got on the box, and drove about for my own diversionI dont exactly know where; but I couldnt leave the cab, as there was always a crusher in the way when I stopped. At last I found myself at the large gate of New Square, Lincolns Inn, so I knocked until the porter opened it, and drove in as straight as I could. When I got to the corner of the square, by No. 7, I pulled up, and, tumbling off my perch, walked quietly along to the Portugal-street wicket. Here the other porter let me out, and I found myself in Lincolns Inn Fields.

And what became of the cab? asks Mr. Jones.

How should I know!it was no affair of mine. I dare say the horse made it right; it didnt matter to him whether he was standing in St. Giless or Lincolns Inn, only the last was the most respectable.

I dont see that, says Mr. Manhug, refilling his pipe.

Why, all the thieves in London live in St. Giless.

Well, and who live in Lincolns Inn?

Pshaw! thats all worn out, continues Manhug. I got to the College of Surgeons, and had a good mind to scud some oyster shells through the windows, only there were several people aboutfellows coming home to chambers, and the like; so I pattered on until I found myself in Drury- lane, close to a coffee-shop that was open. There I saw such a jolly row!

Mr. Muff utters this last sentence in the same ecstatic accents of admiration with which we speak of a lovely woman or a magnificent view.

What was it about? eagerly demand the rest of the circle.

Why, just as I got in, a gentleman of a vivacious turn of mind, who was taking an early breakfast, had shied a soft-boiled egg at the gas-light, which didnt hit it, of course, but flew across the tops of the boxes, and broke upon a ladys head.

What a mess it must have made? interposes Mr. Manhug. Coffee-shop eggs are always so very albuminous.

Once I found some feathers in one, and a ftal chick, observes Mr. Rapp.

Knock that down for a good one! says Mr. Jones, taking the poker and striking three distinct blows on the mantel-piece, the last of which breaks off the corner. Well, what did the lady do?

Commenced kicking up an extensive shindy, something between crying, coughing, and abusing, until somebody in a fustian coat, addressing the assailant, said, he was no gentleman, whoever he was, to throw eggs at a woman; and that if hed come out hed pretty soon butter his crumpets on both sides for him, and give him pepper for nothing. The master of the coffee shop now came forward and said, he wasnt a going to have no uproar in his house, which was very respectable, and always used by the first of company, and if they wanted to quarrel, they might fight it out in the streets. Whereupon they all began to barge the master at once,one saying his coffee was all snuff and duckweed, or something of the kind; whilst the other told him he looked as measly as a mouldy muffin; and then all of a sudden a lot of half-pint cups and pewter spoons flew up in the air, and the three men began an indiscriminate battle all to themselves, in one of the boxes, fighting quite permiscus, as the lady properly observed. I think the landlord was worst off though; he got a very queer wipe across the face from the handle of his own toasting-fork.

And what did you do, Muff? asks Mr. Manhug.

Ah, that was the finishing card of all. I put the gas out, and was walking off as quietly as could be, when some policemen who heard the row outside met me at the door, and wouldnt let me pass. I said I would, and they said I should not, until we came to scuffling, and then one of them calling to some more, told them to take me to Bow-street, which they did; but I made them carry me though. When I got into the office they had not any especial charge to make against me, and the old bird behind the partition said I might go about my business; but, as ill luck would have it, another of the unboiled ones recognised me as one of the party who had upset the wooden blockshe knew me again by my dd Taglioni.

And what did they do to you?

Marched me across the yard and locked me up; when to my great consolation in my affliction, I found Simpson, crying and twisting up his pocket-handkerchief, as if he was wringing it; and hoping his friends would not hear of his disgrace through the Times.

What a love you are, Simpson! observes Mr. Jones patronisingly. Why, how the deuce could they, if you gave a proper name? I hope you called yourself James Edwards.

Mr. Simpson blushes, blows his nose, mutters something about his card- case and telling an untruth, which excites much merriment; and Mr. Muff proceeds:

The beak wasnt such a bad fellow after all, when we went up in the morning. I said I was ashamed to confess we were both disgracefully intoxicated, and that I would take great care nothing of the same humiliating nature should occur again; whereupon we were fined twelve pots each, and I tossed sudden death with Simpson which should pay both. He lost and paid down the dibs. We came away, and here we are.

The mirth proceeds, and, ere long, gives place to harmony; and when the cookery is finished, the bird is speedily converted into an anatomical preparation,albeit her interarticular cartilages are somewhat tough, and her lateral ligaments apparently composed of a substance between leather and caoutchouc. As afternoon advances, the porter of the dissecting-room finds them performing an incantation dance round Mr. Muff, who, seated on a stool placed upon two of the tressels, is rattling some halfpence in a skull, accompanied by Mr. Rapp, who is performing a difficult concerto on an extempore instrument of his own invention, composed of the Scotchmans hat, who is still grinding in the Museum, and the identical thigh-bone that assisted to hang Mr. Muffs patriarchal old hen!

SIGNS OF THE TIMES. The times are hard, say the knowing ones. Hard indeed they must be when we find a DOCTOR advertising for a situation as WET-NURSE. The following appeared in the Times of Wednesday last, under the head of Want Places. As wet-nurse, a respectable person. Direct to DOCTOR P, C Common, Surrey. What next?

[pg 254] THE PUFF PAPERS. CHAPTER II. The Giants Stairs. (CONTINUED.) Well, says he, youre a match for me any day; and sooner than be shut up again in this dismal ould box, Ill give you what you ask for my liberty. And the three best gifts I possess are, this brown cap, which while you wear it will render you invisible to the fairies, while they are all visible to you; this box of salve, by rubbing some of which to your lips, you will have the power of commanding every fairy and spirit in the world to obey your will; and, lastly, this little kippeen11. A little stick., which at your word may be transformed into any mode of conveyance you wish. Besides all this, you shall come with me to my palace, where all the treasures of the earth shall be at your disposal. But mind, I give you this caution, that if you ever permit the brown cap or the kippeen to be out of your possession for an instant, youll lose them for ever; and if you suffer any person to touch your lips while you remain in the underground kingdom, you will instantly become visible, and your power over the fairies will be at an end.

Well, thinks I, theres nothing so very difficult in that. So having got the cap, the kippeen, and the box of salve, into my possession, I opened the box, and out jumped the little fellow.

Now, Felix, says he, touch your lips with the salve, for we are just at the entrance of my dominions.

I did as he desired me, and, Dharra Dhie! if the little chap wasnt changed into a big black-looking giant, sitting afore my eyes on a great rock.

Lord save us! says I to myself, its a marcy and a wondher how he ever squeezed himself into that weeshy box. Why thin, Sir, says I to him, maybe your honour would have the civilitude to tell me your name.

With the greatest of pleasure, Felix, says he smiling; Im called Mahoon, the Giant.

Tare an agers! are you though? Well, if I thoughtbut he gave me no time to think; for calling on me to follow him, he began climbing up the Giants Stairs as asy as Id walk up a ladder to the hay-loft. Well, he was at the top afore you could cry trapstick, and it wasnt long till I was at the top too, and there we found a gate opening into the hill, and a power of lords and ladies waiting to resave Mahoon, who I larned was their king, and who had been away from his kingdom for twenty years, by rason of his being shut up in the box by some great fairy-man.