Chapter XVII: Billings on Pills

P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867.

DEAR DOKTER BONESETT:

Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.

I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov their size i ever contended with.

Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.

If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our risk.

In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,

JOSH BILLINGS.

* * * * *

POULTISS.

Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.

Theze pills are of rutes--rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.

These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and wens--destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness--will soothe the sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.

They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.

Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.

On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other--with a napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the rutes.

On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, "_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means, "_purely vegetabels_."

For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.

(Signed) BARNABASS BONESETT, M.D.