Chapter LI: Milk, Whiskee and Beer

MILK.

I want tew say sumthing, ("_in petto_.")

I want tew say sumthing, ("_entre nous_,") in reference to milk az a ferterlizer.

Milk is spontaneous, ("_semper paratus_,") and haz did more tew encourage the growth ov the humin folks, ("_en passant_") than enny other liquid.

Milk iz lakteal, ("_bizarre_;") it iz also aquatick, while under the patronage ov milk venders, ("_errare humanum est_.")

Milk iz also misterious, ("_Le mot d'énigme_,") cokernut milk haz never bin solved yet.

Milk iz also another name for humin kindness, ("_comme il faut_.")

Milk and bred is a plesant mixtur.

So iz milk and rum ("_Bonne bouche_") mellow tew contend with in a hot day, ("_multum in parvo_") ("_id est_," "_multum_" rum, "_in parvo_" milk.)

Sumtimes, if milk iz allowed tew stand too long, ("_statu quo_,") a skum arizes tew the surface, ("_passim_,") which iz apt tew skare folks who live in citys, but it dus not foller, ("_non sequitur_,") that the milk iz nasty; this skum iz called cream bi folks who inhabit the kuntry, ("_magnus Apollo_.")

Cream iz the parent ("_pater familias_") ov butter, and butter iz 45 cents a pound, ("_ora pro nobis_.")

The most common milk in use, without doubt, ("_sans doute_") iz skim milk; skim milk iz made bi skinning the milk, ("_inter nos_,") this iz considered sharp praktiss, ("_coup de main_.")

Milk iz obtained from cows, hogs, woodchucks, sheep, squirrels, rats, and awl other animals that wear hair. Snakes and geese don't discharge milk, ("_lusus naturæ_.")

I forgot tew state in conclusion, ("_ultima Thule_,") that cow milk, if it iz well watered, brings 10 cents per quart, ("_Quod avertat Deus_.")

WHISKEE.

Whiskee iz the grate Amerikan bevridge.

It iz the granddaddy ov awl our licker.

Evrything that haz a good reliable drunk in it, iz at least couzin tew Whiskee or old Rie.

Whiskee haz done a grate deal for this kuntry, in the way ov penitentiary homes, and houses for the poor, and i suppose, if it want for whiskee, theze houses would aktually hav tew shut up.

They tell me that a bushell ov korn will make a gallon ov whiskee, and sum people, who are acquainted with statisticks, say, that a barrell ov whiskee will go further in a family, than a cow. I don't know exactly how fur a cow would go in a family, but i should think it would be eazier tew milk a barrell ov whiskee than a cow--still i hain't never figured on it, and it iz only guess-work with me.

A gentleman who haz travelled extensively thru the western states, sez that vast quantitys ov korn are raized thare, which iz made into whiskee, tew say nothing ov what iz annually wasted for bred. He sez thare iz lots ov people out west, who are better judges ov whiskee than they are ov water, and that you might easily phool them with poor water, but you couldn't with poor whiskee. They hav made whiskee a specialty aul their lives, and they kan't even go tew church Sundays, without a bottle ov it in their pockets. (I think he must hav lied when he made this last statement.)

In my honest opinyun, whiskee is seckund only tew original sin; it is the mill stun, hung upon the neck ov poor degraded humin nature, and if the devil was allowed leave ov absence for six months, tew visit this earth, the fust thing he would do, would be to lobby our legislatures for a repeal ov the excise laws, and then invest his pile in gin mills.

But since whiskee haz got into this world, I don't think it kan be got out, enny more than small pox kan, but it kan be made komparitively harmless, in the same way, and only in the same way, and that iz by constant vaccination. * * * *

BEER.

I hav finally cum tew the konclusion, that _lager beer_ iz not intoxikatin.

I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.

I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn't, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.

Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.

I never had so much experience, in so short a time.

If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.

If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.

In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn't hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn't wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enuff tew take the nex one when it cum, and that ain't aul; mi wife said i was az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.

If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.

Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when his bile want plumb.

I don't want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.

I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.