Chapter LXXIV: Josh Does Up His Correspondence

"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az follers:

If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains, stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.

A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.

If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.

"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.

They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions.

Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz level, and duz bizz square, after dark.

Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a good bizzness.

The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.

I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me; I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.

Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one ov theze.

I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.

"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt, it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress.

They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az tight.

Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.

Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.

Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long, about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it.

"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants' Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.

He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.

He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o'clock this morning.

I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.

He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.

He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to hiz shoe.

He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll bet.

Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.

He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.

He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.

He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.

He don't seem tew cum back!

It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back.

My wife iz glad ov it.

I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.

My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.

Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.