Chapter XXIV: Perkussion Caps

I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt.

Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.

But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustatch.

Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.

If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.

It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well dus.

We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.

Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.

If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.

Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when, if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite thru the hole.

Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived.

It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv them the butt end ov the trade.

Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the spit."

Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."

I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.

I beleave in suggar coated pills.--I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet and chissell.

The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.

I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the sider brandy alone.

"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.

As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.

The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.

"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.