Chapter XXXIV: Josh Corresponds

_Jenkins_--Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov them are worth answering.

I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.

I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around loose, without enny dog to them.

But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the longest end.

The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.

Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.

So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.

As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more, and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.

A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a long-tailed dog is--this stands tew reason.

A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging ov aul kinds, is about played out.

If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail onto them behind.

I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would be better than nothing.

Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.

If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a dog, is by the neck.

In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the long-tailed dog.

That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I may as well split up for yu now as enny time.

Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.

They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu hav a mind to.

Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.

Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a rat's tail.

Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows better than that.

Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.

_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.

I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.

In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means sharp work, on the sly.

Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that owns the needle owns the pole.

And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.