Chapter LVII: Philosophee Ov the Billings Familee,

AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.

I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.

If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a horse and carriage.

If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,) but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.

If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.

Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.

Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a yard."

If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil; suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az you are a mind to.

If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a yesterday's nuzpaper.

If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin, "that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."

Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one.

Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure tears would seek in vain for their pity.

Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav but little to do with it.

Never argu, and never be convinced.

But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure poverty.

Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz tung.

When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew glanders.

If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you are rich, ask him tew stand in it.

Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you kan git az well az he.

Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself.

Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it, and knose its impulses.

N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.