Chapter XXXVI: Dead Beats

No man ever jumps az fur az he kan, but once.

If the wicked really stand on slippery places, the best thing the rightyus kan do is to keep oph from the ice.

Thare is no religion in simply travelling 4 miles an hour, nor enny actual sin in a 2.40 gate.

"Position is everything;" position of a comma, for instanse. "Thare is a divinity that shapes our ends rough, hew them as we will."

If I was called upon to say how I thought the Devil looked and ackted, i should kompare him to the man who sells rum by the glass, and never drinks enny himself.

Wits are like hornets,--they hav but few intimates.

Thiefs are remarkabel for their taking _ways_;

Ragmen for their light _weighs_;

Dairymaids for their sweet _wheys_;

Boston for her _byways_.

Courting,--home on a furlough.

I maid up mi mind, more than 6 months ago, that this world wa'n't made for phools; and when i see a man determined tew go to the devil, i generly let him went.

Crippels ar always cross; thay ar nature's libels. I konsider marrying for money no better than stealing it.

I hav seen sum awful bad throte disseases completely cured in 3 days by simply jineing a temprance sosiety.

A pun, tew be irresistable, don't ought to flavor ov malis aforethought; but wants tew cum sudden and apt, like a rat out ov his hole.

How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.

Monuments are poor investments--the bad don't deserve them, and the good don't need them.

Thare is a grate menny stricktly honnest folks in this world; they wouldn't take a cent from enny man that didn't belong tew them, nor giv enny man a cent that didn't belong to them.

I consider cerimony principally an effort ov vanity, or a kind ov fashionable golden rule, which stimulates folks to do unto others as they would hav others do unto them.

Criticks are generally self-made men, and often poor jobs at that.

Thare is one happiness in me that haint grone an hour older sinst it was born, and that is--the fun of the thing.

The heathens worship wood and stone; christians worship Nevada bricks.

It ain't no credit tew a cow to giv a pail full ov milk, and then kick it over--nor any other man.