Chapter XLVI: Sum Advise

Mi yung friend, yu are about tew begin life, and altho it may seem dredful impossibel tew yu, nevertheless yu will be liabel tew make sum mistakes while yu are scoring, or during the fust mile or two.

Let me mix up a little advise for yu tew take till yu git tew trotting stiddy.

Yu will observe the advise iz designed for yung gentlemen who show sum sighns ov speed, and also that i reazon right from the shoulder.

1. Treat the old man and the old woman as yure equals; smile when they exhort, and laff when they intreat, for no yung man kan hope for suckcess in ornamental walks ov life who don't wear the belt at home.

2. If yu kant raize a mustash, commit suiside at once and begin agin; for it iz better tew die than tew suffer disgrace.

3. Cultivate impudense--impudense iz a good substitute for bravery--only be a littel kerful tew pick yure customers when yu tri it on.

4. Keep a trotter and a fiteing rooster. Theze animals will let yu into the konfidense ov men who will watch over yure morals and nuss yure genius.

5. Avoid the old fogys; they are a miserabel set ov cowardly croakers, who, like a third-rate dorg, hav larnt what little they kno about virtew bi simply being overmatched in a fair fight.

6. Suspekt aul femail virtew. This will giv yu an eazy flow ov ambiguous language while in the sosiety ov the ladys, and enabel yu tew awake confusion, which yu kan kall sumthing else.

7. If yu git desprait, and must marry, marry for ducats--marrying for blud or for luv iz too sloppy for a man ov spirits. Luv iz a low pashun, and iz designed for 2-story houses on one ov the back streets; not for a brown stun front.

8. Bi aul means learn to sware, chaw, and smoke freely, and don't ever mistake rain water for milk punch, unless yu want a soft thing.

9. Call religion a stock jobber's pidgeon to ketch flatts with; say that virtew iz only the galvanized impotence ov cowards; that wisdum iz but an egg that iz addled; laff at aul things that are sollum, and sware that Backus and Venus are the only two gods fit tew be worshiped.

Yung man, cultivate aul the abuv graces, and add tew them what the ardor of yure genius may inspire, and if the hoss jockeys and pimps generally don't say you are a cuss ov the brightest hue, and if the devil don't make you sum flattering proposals, the days ov chivalry are positively over, and pudding and milk haz got more glory into it than a brandy smash, a rum sour, or even a thomas and jerry.

* * * * *

Yung man, (a fu words with yu in private,) let theze cheerful remarks settle down into you when yu git tew reflekting at 12 o'clock sum rainy nite.

Don't make a phool of yureself by trieing tew jump 65 feet at one jump, and land among the Berhoys at onst, but examine yure bild clussly and see if yu ain't better konstrukted for sumthing honest.

But if yu find that yu must go tew dispair, then put on aul the steam yu kan carry, and either bust or git thare az soon az possibel.

P.S.--When yu git thare, and hav had enuff ov it, just drop me a line, and i will see what kan be did for yu. But don't forgit one thing--that the road back iz 3 times az fur, and aul the way up hill besides.