Chapter LXXII: Sum Natral History

"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age, but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.

Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss with him.

The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for the New York daily * * * * *.

Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.

Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing besides.

Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.

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"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke.

She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.

They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.

They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.

They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.