Chapter LXIX: Philosophee on the Half Shell

I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the consarn at onst.

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I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is a boring in the rong plase.

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Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them your shame.

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Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.

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Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov the differences between learning and wisdom.

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Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the purpose ov strengthening their own plans.

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I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare, to save mi life.

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There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate tew criticise the song ov a bird.

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Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the tune.

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I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but didn't know exactly which way to pitch.

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Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.

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Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate it after it is writ.