Chapter XLIII: Chips From the Butt Cut Ov Wisdum

Just about in proportion that a woman bekums famous away from home, she haz dun suthin she hadn't oughter.

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I don't think it will pay enny man tew be poor jist for the sake ov being a philosopher.

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The sharpest men hav the fewest ideas, but, like the sun-glass, they kan focus them quick, and the consequentz is, sumboddy gits burnt.

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Them hosses who ackt just az though they waz agoin to run away awl the time hardly ever do, but the dozy ones, when they do git started, kant run fast enuff to suit them.--It is sum so with the human critters.

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Ridicule iz the only successful persecution i kno ov.

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Tew git at the full sublimity ov a wimmins right lekturer, go tew her hum, and witness her old man striving to nuss their last baby, and notis what a dredful sloppy job he makes ov it.

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Avarice makes villins ov sum, and growling wretches ov all.

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Philosophy iz the art ov making ourselfs happy, but yet i find 7 times as mutch philosophy in the world az i do happiness.

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Marrying for love iz postponed for the present; in the mean time Cupid dips hiz arrows in petroleum and fires at brown stone fronts, just to keep hiz hand in.

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Pleazure iz just az natural az smelling; thare is az mutch joy in sliding down hill by moonlight, on a barrel stave, az there is 40 years afterwards, in bein principal stock-holder, and president ov a double track ralerode.

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We should make virtue our master, not our servant.

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Pitty is the poorest beggar ov the whole lot. "Pitty the sorrows ov a poor old man," iz a fust rate way tew hav the dogs set at you,--better, a good deal, be a little sassy.

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Generosity, az a general thing, haz more pride than kommon sense in it.

Even truth haz a ridickilous side tew it, which it iz always trieing to hide.

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Sum people lose twice when they bet; they bet without enny pluck, and lose without enny pluck. Yu kant kure laziness by bribery, nor shame; the only way to kure it, is tew skare it. Laziness is one ov those kind ov things that has no memory at all, and but an indifferent reccollection.

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"Early impreshuns are the most lasting"--the fust kiss, and the fust licking, cum under this hed.

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Reputashun is a good deal like a bond-fire, yu hav got tew keep pileing on the shavings. If you don't the flame will soon subdew.

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I was once asked if mi fourfathers was Englishmen. I told the illiterate cuss, who propagated the question, that i didn't hav but one father, and he was strictly ov the Massachewsetts purswashun.

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Good wit iz sumthing like good luck,--the more soon and unexpekted it iz, the better.