Chapter XL: Josh Billings and the Lektur Committy

Letters which pass from great men to great men are often wise to owlishness, and so successfully discursive as to treat beautifully upon everything but the point at "issoo."

SALT POINT, Feb. 0th, 1867.

J. BILLINGS, Esqr.:

I am instructed by our association to inquire ov you, and solicit a reply, if you could read a discourse before our lyceum this winter, and if so, at what time, on what subject, and upon what terms.

Most respectfully yours,

EZRA SMITH, Cor. Sec'y.

* * * * *

POKIPSY, Feb. 12th, 1867.

SMITH, MI DEAR:

This day, at 10 o'clock A.M., I cum in contact with your letter, and was real glad tew hear from yu. How do you like being Cor. Sek. ov a Ly-Associ'? It is a light, pretty bizziness, and don't require much capital.

Let me ask you if you are any relashun to Jake Smith, the hatter. If yu are, forgit it, for Jake is a common cuss.

The Smiths are a good family, and prevail more permiskus, than enny kind ov folks that i kno ov, but it would be unnatral in the highest if thare want sum, whare they was so thick, that was wuss than the rest.

Did yu ever read history, Ezra? If yu didn't yu will be serprised teu hear that John Smith married Pokerhontas, the dauter ov Powhattan, the injun boss.

The way this happened was so: Smith was about gitting slewed, when Pokerhontas went in, and fell flat on him. Old Powhattan giv it up, and Pokerhontas had Smith, and Smith settled down and went into the injin bizzness, in a small way, on his own hook.

This is the grist ov the story.

Tis one ov the most affektingest transactions on file.

Yu ought teu read history, Ezra; it will learn yu informashun, and give you a knolledge ov edukashun.

I forgot tew state, that John Smith lived somwhare in pensylvany, at the time his transakshun with Pokerhontas took place, and if he aint dead probably lives there now. Thare is one fust rate thing about history: it is alwus true; if it aint true, it aint history, so if yu larn it onst, yu never have tew unharness.

But most poetri, and piktorials, and novels, lie wuss than an east wind; the fuller a man gits ov them over night, the more room thare iz in him the next day, for sum more.

John Smith, who had the transaction with Pokerhontas, had an immense invoice ov boys; thare is 13 ov that name in our town this morning, besides several who hav either died or gone to Denver Citty.

Did it ever strike yu, Ezra, that death was one ov the most remarkable things that could happen tew a man?

A man may be ritch, and kno history just like slapjacks for breakfast, and be handsum, able tew lift a ton without thinking, but death beats awl these just as easy as biting crackers.

Death seems tew be as far as a man can git; when a man aquires that thoroughly, his ambishun seems tew be satisfied.

One man can be ritcher, and lift more than another, but he kant be enny more deader.

I am glad thare is one thing in this world, that is enuff for man.

Speaking ov man, Ezra, dew yu konsider him a suckcess yet, or has he got tew try again?

History has a good deal tew say about man, that don't allude tew his suckcess.

Adew, Ezra,

Yures, full ov oats,

JOSH BILLINGS.