Chapter LXXV: Cupid on a Raid

It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid iz for one ov hiz heft.

He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill bumbelbees at four paces.

This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.

I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover, at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.

He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.

I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz:

--> Ben Slocum, aged 19 years, weight about 190 pounds, and a good eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the garden.

--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent her.

--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling on Angeline Brown's forehead.

--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the counter.

--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No. 7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.

--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate pensil.

--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.

--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor, lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at Widow Stebbins's.

--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded, the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker, but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only worth 75 thousand.

--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange stripe in it.

--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times, and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.

--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.

--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver. This squeeze took place last Friday.

--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her cuzzin Tildy.

--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a crowd, from an opera glass.