Chapter XLVIII: Josh Corresponds

_Percy._--Did yu ever ride in the cars on a raw day, and have a mountaineer dive in from some cord wood station, and, taking a seat next in front ov yu, rush the window up, and half freeze yure liver out?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail tew say yes, or no.)

Didn't yu feel az tho yu would like to help to pitch the red-necked and tobacco-chawing curse out ov the windo?

(If yu answer this question, don't fail to say yes.)

But it iz no use tew plead with them; they must hav sum more north wind.

If yu should shut one ov these human refrigerators up in a 10-acre lot, and put the bars up tight, he would rave around till he tore down a pannel ov the fence, to let sum more fresh air into the lot.

When a half civilized humin critter wants enny thing, he wants it just az bad az a bear duz, and generally takes it in the same way.

_Bulwer._--Yu are right about it; the elektive telegraph iz verry kuriss. But did it ever ockur tew yu, in the solitude ov yure midnite hour, or when yu waz turning grindstone, or by the side ov the road, or the down hill ov life, or by the good old Moses, that the nerves waz the telegraff wires ov the humin boddy?

If this never haz ockured to yu, yure edikashun haz either bin tew mutch Latin, or else yu hav bin kept in a back lot, ware thare want mutch going on.

I tell yu that dispatches are flieing all the time from the 2 main offices, one ov which iz lokated in the hed, and the other of which iz in the stummuk.

The stummuk inquires, "When dinner will be reddy?" and iz told bi the branch offiss, at the noze, "in 20 minnitts."

The bigg toe learns from the operator at the stummuk offiss that "mock turtles and terrapins iz cumming in fast, and that old Gout may be expekted in a fu daze."

The head inquires ov the noze, "What yu blowing about?"

Answer, "Wet feet."

The eyes wants tew kno ov the stummuk, "What they shall do to stop running?"

Stummuk growls back, "Dam yure ize!"

Head sees sudden stars, and feels the shock ov an arthquake; telegraffs awl over the boddy for an explanation; gits the following dispatch, after a while, from one of the lower offices: "Been down hard on the ice."

Friend Bulwer, in the remarks ov the poet, I hold "that we are truly and wonderfully made."

_Lager._--Yure inquiry iz eazily dispozed ov. Lager Beer iz not intoxikating. A man bi the name ov Laubenheimersmitt, who keeps a saloon, told me so. He sed he had one ov the little barrells in him at that time, and waz aktually suffering for a drouth. I think he iz a man who kan be depended upon, for he showed me a bolona sarsage, which he sed had bin in the family 67 years. It waz aul kivvered with wrinkles. He sed it had a nu wrinkle each year, like a kow's horn. I asked him on what prinsipals the bolona sarsage waz bilt? he sed he couldn't tell me, that thare hadn't bin enny nu ones bilt for menny years, on account of the grate demand for hosses on the canal.

_Augustus._--Art haz improved natur, but whether sivilizashun haz improved moruls az mutch, I woodent like tu tell. Natur iz verry lucksuriant, and that iz what's the matter ov her. She iz like a punkin-vine, (grows without mercy,) and wood grow without punkins tew, but art kurbs the extravagunce, and makes the vines "sum punkins." Moruls ain't lucksuryant; they woodent be haff a crop if it wan't for sivilization; but like other things that are forced, they are made tu yeald so mutch, that the tree soon runs tu follyage and tawp, and don't bair mutch plums. I don't think the wirld haz got enny sivilizashun tew spare, but i dew think she haz got more than she kan manige well. I beleave in sivilizashun terribley; i wood like tu see even bares and woolfs and wildkats sivilizyed; but if sivilizashun only makes their hare softer, and only makes them growl less lowder, but makes their teeth sharper and their klaws longer, i think i like the heethen bare, for a steddy playmait, full az well az i dew the Christian bare.