Chapter XXVI: Amerikan Aristokrasy

VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS.

Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.

I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the present day among the nashuns ov the earth.

But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar privileges ov an aristokrasy.

We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.

Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as follers:

The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth just what their hides will bring.

The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man trieing tew walk a krack.

The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them smell ov greatness.

Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet, appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing up the same pole.

MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.