Chapter LXXVIII: More Philosophy

THE SUSPICIOUS MAN.

Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over.

A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz generally a rogue.

What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell. It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as the germs ov fraud.

If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil.

If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught.

Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to.

Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the eazier.

THE WISE MAN.

Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud.

But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness.

These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no news.

Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as glorious as it is skase.

But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson, and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is when aul hands are asleep.

But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point out the mule that iz a going tew kick next.

Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov 1200 strings.

THE EFFEMINATE MAN.

The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.

He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night.

He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions.

He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick monkey with a blonde mustash.

He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a paper kite in a ded calm.

He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole.

He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's grasshopper.

He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.

He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.