Chapter LXI: Monograffs

THE NEAT PERSON.

Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.

When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.

I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi soup.

Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it awl over agin.

If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.

They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.

They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.

If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.

THE PHATT MAN.

Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy, and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.

I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew set down on.

I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and kiss him for mi ant.

And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me, to look at even.

I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.

Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did; they luv gravy tew well for that.

Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.

When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_ apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.

Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing that ain't good tew eat.

That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different religions, and only one gravy!"

In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew.