Chapter LXXIII: Monograffs

THE INQUISITIVE MAN.

Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys and abuses, az askin questions.

I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze enny flesh.

Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained.

They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then awl reddy to begin agin.

They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing, if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.

The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz drouth.

They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.

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THE LAZY MAN.

Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.

Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.

It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.

I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.

Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.

If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.

Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.

But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one naturally.

I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.

In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz to die.

I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.

THE PERFEKT MAN.

It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach perfekshun with fust rate skill.

Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.

I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but onst a week.

Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a pleasant tune upon it.

The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.

Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.

THE FAULT-FINDING MAN.

Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the fault-finding man.

One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.

These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they lie about it.

I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.

Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.

Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the rest of his boddy.

They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.